Tips for a Zombie Apocalypse

Zombie apocalypse… it’s a term thrown around often right now, but few people have good, real life tips about one. Here are a few tips of mine, whether they are good or not we won’t know until such an event occours.

The worst time for a zombie apocalypse is around halloween, just because most people won’t realize that it’s a real apocalypse and not just a riot with people dressed up like zombies.
Once zombies are overrunning the world, the time to prepare will be over. You need to gather your stashes in advance.
First off you should have a secure place to live, with windows as narrow as possible, think arrow slits as were used in medieval castles, no zombie will be able to get through those.
Next you’ll want a secure upper floor, one that can be completely isolated from the rest of the building. Remember, without access to a floor, no zombies can reach you. If your building is built from steel, stone or perhaps brick, you’ll be much safer as well, these structures are build strong enough that even a sea of undead won’t be able to knock it over.

When you are outside four safe house, you should always carry several gallons of some kind of oil. An oil slick (even vegetable oil) wll slow down those zombies!
Also a torch is something you should carry, a dried out zombie will be just as vulnerable to fire as any monster from an old movie.
If you make sure you have a long term food supply, even jut a few months, you should be safe, the undead won’t be able to survive too long, if nothing else they will run out of prey after a few weeks at most- except for anyone following these tips.

Now to turn everything around, a few tips for those of you who might find yourselves undead zombies intent of killing all living humans:

Cheaply built homes will be vulnerable to attack by multiple zombies, use the largest zombies as rams to batter down doors.
Watch out for armed humans, let the foolish zombies around you take them out, just be ready to dispose of those zombies quickly yourself, remember that the undead don’t play by any rules.
Avoid politicians and tax collectors, they are another kind of undead already and might be more dangerous than any humans you encounter.

I’d offer more tips for zombies, however I’m not rooting for them to win.
Thanks for reading, I hope you’ll keep an eye out for related posts early next week.

Jokes for October 22nd

Thanks for joining me again this fine Wednesday night, I hope you’re ready for a few halloween themed jokes tonight!

Whys

Why didn’t the necromancer jockey win more races?
Because he didn’t have a ghost of a chance.

Why are vampires lousy card sharks?
They have trouble with the stakes.

Why do vampires never eat at barbecue resturants?
The chefs always have steaks.

Who

Who eats turkey on Halloween?
Gobble-ins

Jokes

A young Van Helsing dreamed of being a world famous poker player. However every time he tried to play, he found the chairs too high for him, he couldn’t quite reach the stakes.

Remember these?

Why is a vegetarian used car salesman like a vampire?
They both hate stakes.

Why did the vampire run a bank?
It ran in the blood.

Dr van Helsing was addressing a group of sport fans, he gave them this sage piece of advice: “It’s best to watch baseball games during the day, that way you know that any bats you see flying aren’t vampires.”

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed these jokes.

Halloween costumes, part one

I promised you an interesting post this week and here it is!
Halloween is drawing near, so it’s about time for you to decide on an interesting costume, here are a few suggestions:

The simple

1:

Get a suit, tie and vampire teeth along with a briefcase. You are now either a vampire bankster (yes I know that’s an oxymoron).

2:

Remember those old cell phone comercials? Just get a bluetooth ear piece and walk around saying something like: “Signal strength test. NSA bug 4 is working.” Now you’re an NSA bug tester.

Cat’s always make things better

1:

While this costume takes a bit more work, its a lot better:

Build a tiny seat behind your head, place strings attached to each of your limbs like a marionette leading to the seat. Now the hard part is placing your cat in the seat.
While this isn’t exactly a costume, it does show just who is in control.

2:

This next cat related idea takes a little bit of imagineation, but it’ well worth it, you should get at least a chuckle or two:

All you need is an empty cat food can or treat package. You are now a used up treat or food dispenser.

I hope you’ve enjoyed these ideas, I’ll have a few more for you later this week.
Thanks for reading and please feel free to comment.

Fall leafs

Fall leafs, is there anything as mysterious as leaves crunching underfoot?
We’re finally far enough into Fall that many leaves have fallen from their trees.
Dry leaves crunching under foot, rustling against one another as you kick them out of your way. Can you think of anything as relaxing to do wile you wonder what’s going to happen next in your favorite comic book?
Will the heroes urrvive? Will the arch enemy fail once again? Will some animal outwit the poor hunter?
The answer to all those questions is yes, if it’s not you aren’t reading a normal comic book.
While comic books are semi formulaic, there is something quite relaxing about reading them, so what if the endings are seldom a big surprise, it’s the journey of flipping page after page, reading panel after panel, that can distract you from the cares of the world for a time.
These are the days of fall that are among the pleasantest, of Fall and possibly the entire year.
However it is the last half of October, which means that people become strange, they say and act unusual, perhaps they are merely excited about Halloween and are getting into the mood early… or perhaps they are falling under the spell of an evil witch, a blood thirsty vampire or even are about to suddenly become an undead zombie!
Yes, these are the best days of the year, just keep a stake at the ready, a pail of water near and something silver at hand. You can never be too careful.
If you don’t feel like taking those precautions, sit down with a cup of hot chocolate and a favorite comic book with your doors locked. Just keep the wolfsbane in the windows and you should be fine.

Thanks for reading.

How to ruin and food: Onion soup

Tonight I’m taking a look at how to ruin onion soup. While I could focus on soups in general, I’m going to save a few soups for later this winter.

Onion soup is popular, this is also the time of year where fresh onions are plentiful and many people are thinking about making soup out of them.

Are you ready to continue?

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

History:

Onion soup is one of the oldest meals around, as are soups in general. Once again it is a food that is nearly impossible to date, as adding anything to a pot of water (even before actual pots were invented) to make it go further is just natural.

Onions have been eaten by humans for as long as history records, so alas I cannot shed any light on the history of onion soup, though I suspect that there are many interesting things hidden in the dark edges of history.

 

What it is:

Onion soup is a soup made from onions, normally with a beef broth and other seasonings. Commonly served with cheese melted on top.

 

How to ruin it:

Ruining Onion soup isn’t as hard as you might think, and it can be done in a variety of ways, the broth, the seasonings and even the onion to a lesser degree.

The Broth

The easiest way to ruin onion soup is to use root beer instead of the broth.

Don’t like root beer? Try ginger ale.

If those two ideas aren’t good enough for you, consider these:

  •  Ice tea
  • Ketchup (as a bonus around Halloween you can apologize to your guests about a ‘slight bit of blood’ that might have gotten into the soup).
  • Soy sauce
  • Hot sauce

 

The Seasonings

Seasonings need t be strong enough to pierce the onion flavor to be tasted. Onion soup doesn’t really need spices if you enjoy the flavor of onions. However for our task of ruining onion soup the spices are key.

  • Licorice
  • Anice
  • Vanilla
  • Peppermint
  • Spearmint

Any other strong spice that doesn’t fit with onions also will work.

The Onions

Changing the onion is a bit harder, however it can be accomplished in a few ways.

First off don’t cook the onions, just cut them in large pieces and wait until the rest of the soup is hot, put the onions in just before serving, most people won’t enjoy the taste of raw onions.

Another way to change the onions is to forget them, use lemon slices instead, or potatoes.

 

Consider the following recipe as another way to ruin onion soup.

 

5 cups Broth

1 teaspoon of onion flakes

4 Potatoes, cubed

3 large tomatoes, crushed

2 large carrots, chopped

1 bell pepper, sliced

Thyme to taste

Sage to taste

Pepper to taste

Celery, two stalks

 

Cook it however long you want and call it onion soup. Just make sure to comment on how strong the onions are, your guests will be confused if nothing else.

 

Thanks for joining me tonight, I hope this has given you a few new ideas for ruining onion soup.

Have any ideas of your own on how to ruin onion soup? Please share them in the comments.

I hope you’ll join me again next Saturday night as I ruin another food. Thanks for reading!

Random thoughts for October 17th

Is it just me or am I making a habit of these random thoughts posts?

Some weeks fly, some weeks crawl, but every weekend is quicker than a cat chasing a mouse.

Halloween is n excellent time to give yourself a fright. Haunted houses are popular, as are horror moves, but those are minor horrors. If you really want a scare, check your investment fees.

Cats are funny creatures, they can sleep all day, all night (o nearly that much) only to were themselves out within an hour of being awake- which means they can start all over.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, how many books would it take to buy a famous painting?

Language is an odd thing, or more to the point slang is odd. If you get fired your canned, which is bad, but everyone loves canned peaches.
Another turn of phrase that confuses me is cutting the mustard. Really, if the mustard is so thick it needs to be cut, wouldn’t you just try another jar?

Thanks for reading, next week I’ll have a few interesting posts for you.

Jokes for October 15th

I hope everyone is having a monstrously good week. Tonight I’ve got jokes that will make you laugh, some might make you groan (okay most of them will) and even one or two that I’d like to say will scare you, but I won’t say that.
Here we go, halloween themed jokes to get you ready.

Whats

What happened when the black cat walked passed a mirror?
It crossed it’s own path.

What did the lycanthrope say on a cloudy night?
Were’s the moon?

Joke

A lycanthrope, a wizard and a vampire walk into a bar for a parting drink after a wild adventure.
They begin talking about the future.
“I’m going to build myself a tower,” the wizard exclaimed.
“I’m going back to Translyvania,” The Vampire decided after a few beers.
“Me?” the lycanthrope asked after the wizard inquired as to where he was going, “You wonder were I see myself in the future? I’m going to become a stockbroker, I here there’s plenty of wolves on Wall Street.”

Vampires

Why do baseball players like vampires?
They know every bat has a use.

Why do sport teams always make sure they have at least one vampire on their team
To suck the life out of the other team.

Why do Vampires make the best assasians?
They are always out for blood.

That’s it for tonight, I hope you enjoyed these jokes!

Cats need comfort

Cats need comfort, it’s that simple. Cats want comfort, they demand it and they take it.
Cats don’t demand much comfort wise, just a soft blanket, good catnip and plenty of sun to sleep in.

The key to picking the right blanket for your cat is three fold:
1. Thickness: The thicker the better, better to knead, better to curl up on and easier for your cat to form it into what they want.
2. Flexability: Cat’s like to be able to adjust the blanket to their personal preference.
3. Thread count: While not what you might think of at first, it’s important to select a blanket that is well made, you want it to last a long time for your cat.

Catnip can be hard to choose as well. You can choose it based on price of course, but you should get the best quality catnip as you can, you do want the best for your cat, don’t you?
Don’t limit yourself to just catnip, most cats also love other spices, it’s a matter of trial and error, but I do recommend checking to make sure certain spices are safe for cats, many are but you don’t want to take chances.

Now we come to the most important thing for your cat’s comfort, a place in the sun. You need to choose a nice place with plenty of sun all year long, it should be out of the way (you don’t want to have to jump over your cat do you?) and it should have plenty of fun stuff for your cat around it, such as plants on the window sill, these will provide plenty of fun if your cat gets bored or hungry.

Now that you have the keys to making your cat comfortable, go to it! Find that sunny window, that fine catnip and a blanket that will make your cat purr.

Thanks for reading!

Cool nights, warm days of Fall

Now we are arriving at that point of Fall in which the nights get cool but the days are still warm, most of the time anyway.
Leaves are turning colors and falling rapidly, in most places, though some trees stubbornly hold on to green leaves, silently challenging Fall to do its worst.
The sound of crunching leaves underfoot bring to mind thoughts of candy, apples and hot chocolate.
It is also roughly half way through October, which means that everyone is starting to think about Halloween. Everywhere look you can see the specter of Halloween; front yards have suddenly become graveyards, everyone is digging the skeletons out of their closets and ghosts become commonplace. Black cats appear on doorstops, walls and anywhere you can dream of, all for the hope of giving someone a momentary fright.
Also pumpkin flavored everything is staring at you from anywhere you look.
In my opinion the best pumpkins are mellow cream ones at this time of the year, however many people enjoy pumpkin flavored everything.
I suggest that you avoid flavoring your hot chocolate pumpkin, instead have a nice pumpkin muffin with your hot chocolate while reading a spooky comicbook.
What kind of comic books are spooky? with a little work you can find many classic horror stories that have been adapted, such as Dracula, or you can find other, unique stories that are great spooky reads, or you can just find a comic book that makes you laugh.
Isn’t that the most important thing anyway? A laugh while you relax?

Thanks for reading.

How to ruin any food: Mashed potatoes

Tonight I’m taking aim at mashed potatoes. My goal is to pummel them into a pulp that doesn’t resemble a potato at all.. whoops, I guess that’s the description of mashed potatoes.

While many if not most people like or love potatoes in every form, some few like myself dislike potatoes in most forms. It is to these people that this post is aimed.

Shall we begin?

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

History:

Mashed potatoes were first invented when a caveman was chased from his fire by a mammoth passing through. The mammoth likely stomped the potatoes flat, the caveman not having any other food for the day discovered that mashed potatoes were much better tasting than regular potatoes. This discovery spawned a short-lived industry of mammoth herding solely to crush potatoes.

While that likely didn’t happen, there really isn’t a definitive time when potatoes were first mashed, it’s another one of those foods whose origin is lost to the depths of time.

 

What it is:

Mashed potatoes are simply that: potatoes that have been mashed into a pulp and perhaps flavored with some butter and/or cream added.

 

How to ruin it:

While such a simple food is always harder to ruin, we still have several possibilities open to us, from the potato itself to whatever seasonings you desire to put with them.

The Tuber:

The potato is just a tuber, so any root crop can be substituted. Consider using turnips, onions,  parsnips or even sweet potatoes or yams.

Just imagine sitting down to a bowl of mashed onions and gravy, or mashed turnips and butter. That’s a great way to ruin mashed potatoes in a single blow, even if you enjoy onions I doubt anyone would like them that much.

Seasonings:

Most mashed potatoes are seasoned, consider these odd seasoning or flavoring pairs to add to regular mashed potatoes:

Honey and Cayenne

Garlic and Raspberry

Sour milk and cocoa

Sage and Peach

Sugar and Vinegar

Vinegar and Olive oil

Margarine and anchovies

Avocado and vinegar

 

Really crazy ideas:

Now let’s get really crazy and ruin them by mixing several things together!

 

Sweet potatoes with anchovies

Yams with Garlic and cocoa powder

Turnips with marshmallows

Parsnips with Avocado

 

         Toppings:

Mashed potatoes aren’t complete without a topping, from butter to gravy. Try these on for your ruining taste:

 

Marshmallow cream

Chocolate syrup (not with sweet potatoes or yams, that might taste good).

Hot sauce

Salsa

Spaghetti sauce

Sweet and sour sauce

Hot chocolate with marshmallows

Melted ice cream

Caramel sauce

 

There you go, that’s how you ruin mashed potatoes! I hope you’ve enjoyed tonight’s adventure in ruining mashed potatoes.

Have any ideas of your own on how to ruin mashed potatoes? Please share them in the comments.

I hope you’ll join me again next Saturday night to ruin another food. Thanks for reading!