Halloween is nearly over

Halloween is nearly over, by the time you read this it might be over where you are.
There is little to fear from ghosts, goblins, vampires, witches, werewolves or zombies now… at least until next year.
Halloween is basically little more than a candy holiday. Kid love it because they get to dress up and go door to door receiving free candy. The rest of us enjoy the day after, when all the good special candy is marked down in the stores, like candy corn and mellow creme pumpkins.
Enjoy the candy, enjoy the cats crossing your paths, fear not the vampires and werewolves, the zombies will wait until next Halloween.

I hope everyone has had a safe and fun Halloween. I’ll leave you with a joke:

A guy answers his door, there’s a bunch of trick or treaters. As he hands out the candy, he asked “how’s tricks?”

Halloween costumes, part two- last minute ideas

Now for an unscheduled post:

No, I didn’t forget about the second part of my costume ideas. This post is just focused on last minute ideas. While these costume ideas are simple and leave much to be desired, nearly everyone should be able to do any of these ideas in a matter of minutes.

As I mentioned in a post earlier this week regarding werewolf safety tips, an old suit with a hat and tossing a sliver coin makes a good, easy, costume that also serves a purpose.

If you have only a few minutes to create a costume and nothing ready, don’t panic. Grab a can of food and pull the pockets out of your clothes, you are now a broke can opener. Any pet owner will understand it.

Have a few more minutes? Take an old sheet or shirt two, toss them over your shoulders, add a length of rope and you are laundry on a clothesline in strong wind.

Wear an old, ripped pair of jeans, a ratty shirt and sprinkle them with ketchup, congraulations, you’re now a cat groomer.

A smear of ketchup on your neck and you’re the victim of a vampire.

If all else fails, just be yourself, no one else can be you so you have the most unique, original costume possible.

Tips to thwart a vampire

Tonight I’m going to show you several ways to thwart the attack of a vampire. These tips are all but fool proof. If used together, I can promise you that any vampire will have a tough time bitting your neck.

A neck like a steel trap

The first key to defending oneself from an attack by a vampire is to realize that they have many weaknesses. The main weakness of vampires is the fact that they bite necks to draw blood. While that might not sound like much of a weakness, just how do you think a vampire would feel if his or her victim had a ring of steel around their neck?
Which is the first key, a steel collar. A snug fitting steel collar will most likely deter any vampre, if they try to bite the neck of anyone wearing such a collar, they will soon find themselves in need of new teeth.
While you might be tempted to try something a little less hard, such as a thick winter scarf, realize that such things can be removed or possibly bitten through.
If you refuse to have a steel (or other metal) collar around yur neck, there are a few other tips.

Marinated or basted

An excellent alternative to a steel collar is to remember one of a vampires other weaknessed, garlic.
Garlic is said to repel vampires, so eating a lot of garlic is a good start. Even better is to rub your neck with butter or oil infused with garlic. Not only will this deter any vampire, it’ll also give help dry skin.
As anyone knows who has read Dracula or watched any of the movies, garlic flowers will help keep you safe, however they can be removed all to easily, so I recommend skipping the flowers and going with a direct application of butter or oil, however simply rubbing your neck and throat with a clove of garlic will still help.
When used in conjunction with a steel collar, no vampire should even consider you prey.

What about a baked potato?

One more weakness of vampires is that they die when a stake is driven through their heart. While not a sure fire way to tell if someone is a vampire, it’s still helpful to know.
If you have to go out at night, alway carry a number of stakes with you. Any kind of stake will work, even possibly a steak.
A steak will always work if you happen to come across a vampire and a werewolf, simply toss the steak at the vampire and the werewolf should attack the vampire, giving you plenty of time to escape.

A bright idea

The last deadly weakness of vampires is sunlight. It’s well known that no vampire can survive the sun’s rays.
Which brings to mind this question: If the sun has the power to destroy a vampire, what about the advanced lightbulbs we have today? It’s worth a try, just carry around a powerful flashlight with a full spectrum light bulb and you’ll have one last weapon to fight a vampire with.

One more thing…

One word of warning, vampires have the power to hypnotize their victims. It’s believed that it is done by the victim looks into the vampire’s eyes. The trick is not to look a vampire in his or her eye. Pirates may have an advantage in this regard, at least those with eye patches.

Thanks for reading and I hope these tips will help keep you safe from vampires this halloween
Please feel free to share your own tips in the comments..

Jokes for Wednesday, October 29th- Halloween time!

t’s Wednesday night again, not only that but Halloween is nearly upon us! With that in mind, I’ve come up with some the the strangest, most confusing and hopefully funny halloween themed jokes you’ll ever hear.

Pumpkin guts

Jack L. Antrn was a very respectable CEO of the Squash canner co until one morning while he was inspecting the plant he managed to stumble over a guardrail and land in the waste bin. He was unhurt, but he issued only one comment:”Pumpkin guts.”

How do you stop a charging werewolf?
Toss a bucket of pumpkin guts in its path.

A witch happened upon a vampire and a werewolf who were having a heated debate. When she asked what they were arguing about, the vampire and werewolf replied “Pumpkin guts!”

Once there was a young jack o lantern who was unable to compete at sports, after weeks of careful consideration his doctor reach a conclusion, he had no pumpkin guts.

Witches way

The werewolf family always made sure to invite a witch along when they took a long trip, whenever they got lost they could just ask “Witch way?”.

Shortly before dawn one day, a vampire was hurriedly flying back to his coffin in bat form when he ran into a witch, literally. The witch lost her broom in the crash, the vampire was disorientated. The vampire, in desperation, grabbed the witch and asked “Witch way up?”

Vampire humor

Did you hear that Dracula hired a werewolf to run a steamroller over his patch of turnips?
He had to, he couldn’t squeeze blood from a turnip himself.

Why did vampires enjoy the company of gangsters in the 1930s?
They loved a good blood bath.

What did the vampire hunter do when he had a run of good luck playing poker?
He raised the stake.

Why do vampires avoid butcher shops?
They don’t like the steaks.

Ghost hosts

When a family of ghosts moved into a new house they threw a party. It wasn’t much of a party, it lacked spirit.

A ghost wanted to change how people saw him, so he went to a party, but no matter how hard he tried, he just wasn’t the life of the party.

Bob the ghost had befriended a medium who was forced to quit doing seances do to lack a lack of people interested in contacting ghosts. In an attempt to cheer up the medium, Bob threw a party for her. Despite inviting other ghosts, witches, vampires and even a zombie, nothing could raise the medium’s spirits.

I hope you’ve enjoyed these jokes.
Please feel free to comment or share a halloween joke of your own.
Thanks for reading!

Tips for defending against a werewolf

Last week I offered a few tip for the zombie apocalypse. Tonight I’m going to explain how you can easily defend yourself against a werewolf. I hope you enjoy.

As anyone who has watched the Wolfman from 1941, you’ll be aware that anyone can be turned into a werewolf by being bitten by another, standard werewolf knowledge, but the key part comes next “when the wolfbane blooms and the moon is bright’. The key to defeating werewolves forever is to eliminate all wolfbane so it never blooms again, however that is something that shouldn’t be attempted for ethical reasons.
Everyone knows that silver is the only thing that can kill a werewolf, regular bullets and weapons can’t hurt them. So you should surround yourself with silver.
If you learn to toss a silver coin, all you need is a suit and you can look like a 1930s gangster, thus giving you a thin line of defense against a werewolf.
Few people will be able to battle a werewolf with anything silver, so a much better idea is to take Theodore Roosevelt’s advice and carry a large stick, in addition you should carry a large steak. When you encounter any number of werewolves you’ll be ready. Toss the stick as far away as you can, with luck the werewolf or wolves you’re facing will chase it, if not, toss the large steak and take off running while the werewolves fight over it. You have a slight chance to get away.
Now most people know about killing a werewolf with a silver bullet. However from what I’ve been able to find out, most werewolves prefer brandy and vodka over beer.
In conclusion, your best bet to be safe from werewolves is to build yourself a room out of silver and seal yourself inside whenever the moon is full.

Thanks for reading, I hope you’ve enjoyed this pot. Next I’ll tackle vampires on Thursday.
Have any tips to protect yourself from werewolves? Please comment.

Halloween is coming, relax

Halloween is coming, it’s almost here in fact. There are just a few more days until the horrors of the night, disguised of candy hungry children, will arrive… or is it children disguised as the horrors of the night?
If you dread the sound of your doorbell ringing because you’ve all ready eaten all of the candy you bought, here are a few ways you can enjoy the next few days.:

Games

There’s nothing better than to waste a few minutes of your day playing a game to relax. Many game have released ‘halloween themed’ versions recently. Unfortunately most of these games seem to think just sticking a few pumpkins here and there makes it a halloween theme. Two game stand high above the rest:

1. HayDay: While this game takes much more attention than some others, they have decent halloween decorations. With tombstones, pumpkins, ghosts and animals in costumes along with other things (including a low spooky fog), it’s well worth the time.

2. Angry Gran Run: This game has gone well past placing a few random pumpkins. With floating skulls, spiders and much more, it has become an amazingly fun game to play.

I play HayDay everyday, I admit it, so of course I’m saying that it’s worth playing. However I hadn’t played Angry Gran Run for a few months before noticing the halloween update. I enjoyed it much more than I expected and I can see myself making it a standard part of my game playing. It’s developer has made major leaps since I last played it that take it far from a Temple Run knockoff.
Oddly enough TempleRun2 hasn’t had an update for Halloween yet, I’m hopeful that they might have one at the last minute.

Books

What’s better than sitting back and reading a good book? For halloween there are a few classics that are must reads.

1. Frankenstein: The book is nothing like any of the movies. I can’t say that it’s better or worse. The story shows much more of the monster’s side of events.
It’s worth reading at least once.
2: Dracula: What other book is a must read before Halloween? It’s an interesting book, a bit slow in parts. This book is also nothing like the movies that have been made, though that is not a bad thing. If you like bats, medical mysteries and vampires you should read t now.

There are many other classic books worth reading right now, the Invisible Man, Varney the Vampire and nearly any other victorian era horror stories, however these two are among the best known.

Movies

What’s Halloween without watching a good old horror movie?
The old Universal horror movies are all great spooky movies to watch. The many Dracula movies from the 1930s are a great place to begin. The Frankenstein series from the same era should be read as well. The Wolfman, the Invisible Man are two other 1930s horror movie series that everyone should watch.
Looking for something in color with a bit more horror? Check into the Hammer horror films from the 1950s. Most of them star the great Peter Cushing and all deserve to be watch.

Thanks for reading.
Have any suggestions? Please comment.

How to ruin any food: Candy corn

Candy corn, the best vegetable in the world. All kidding aside,  nearly everyone loves candy corn, after all what’s not to like?

Tonight I’m taking a lighthearted look at how you could ruin candy corn, a nearly impossible task, but one I feel quite able to accomplish.

Shall we get started?

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

History:

Candy corn is a strain of candy that was bred thousands of years ago when an enterprising genius crossed sugarcane with a strain of corn that was all ready extra sweet. It was lost for thousands of years until a few seeds were found in a lost pyramid in 1880.

All kidding aside, candy corn is one of the odd foods that I’ve  selected over the past months, as its history can be traced, more or less.

It’s generally agreed that it was first made by the Wunderlee Candy Company in Philadelphia, PA sometime in the 1880s, though the exact year is unknown.

However it was the  Goelitz Candy Company that managed to make candy corn popular. It is also credited by some for saving the Goelitz company until they invented the Jelly Belly jelly bean.

Regardless, it is a wonderful candy that  we can enjoy.

More facts can be found at http://www.hauntedbay.com/history/candycorn.shtml

and numerous other sites.

 

What it is:

It’s candy shaped like corn kernels. The kernel is divided in three parts, each part is a different color, yellow, orange and white normally.

 

How to ruin it:

Now we come to the fun part: how to ruin a perfect candy.

I don’t expect everyone to make their own candy corn so they can ruin it from the ground up, there are plenty of other ways to ruin it. Some might be quite tasty too.

 

Baked corn:

This would work, but it’ll all melt into one unappetizing lump.

Creamed corn

This dish might not be too bad depending on how you make it. I’d recommend using ice cream if you want it to be enjoyable. Otherwise I’d suggest adding sage and diced onion to it to give it a bit of a bite.

Corn chowder

A must taste soup. The candy corn will make it sweet, if you add the creamed corn you’d also season it and add a nice creamy texture as well.

Corn bread

Candy corn bread, so good you don’t even need jam or jelly! However the corn might settle to the bottom and burn, which only ruins it.

Candy corn on the cob:

Take a bread stick just out of the oven and roll it in candy corn. Serve with butter and ground pepper.

Candy corn grits:

Just roughly chop candy corn and use as you would normal grits.

 

I hope these ideas will help you ruin candy corn for everyone you know this Halloween.

Please share any ideas you have for ruining candy corn in the comments.

Thanks for reading. I hope you’ll join me again next Saturday night as I ruin another food. Thanks for reading!

Tips for a Zombie Apocalypse

Zombie apocalypse… it’s a term thrown around often right now, but few people have good, real life tips about one. Here are a few tips of mine, whether they are good or not we won’t know until such an event occours.

The worst time for a zombie apocalypse is around halloween, just because most people won’t realize that it’s a real apocalypse and not just a riot with people dressed up like zombies.
Once zombies are overrunning the world, the time to prepare will be over. You need to gather your stashes in advance.
First off you should have a secure place to live, with windows as narrow as possible, think arrow slits as were used in medieval castles, no zombie will be able to get through those.
Next you’ll want a secure upper floor, one that can be completely isolated from the rest of the building. Remember, without access to a floor, no zombies can reach you. If your building is built from steel, stone or perhaps brick, you’ll be much safer as well, these structures are build strong enough that even a sea of undead won’t be able to knock it over.

When you are outside four safe house, you should always carry several gallons of some kind of oil. An oil slick (even vegetable oil) wll slow down those zombies!
Also a torch is something you should carry, a dried out zombie will be just as vulnerable to fire as any monster from an old movie.
If you make sure you have a long term food supply, even jut a few months, you should be safe, the undead won’t be able to survive too long, if nothing else they will run out of prey after a few weeks at most- except for anyone following these tips.

Now to turn everything around, a few tips for those of you who might find yourselves undead zombies intent of killing all living humans:

Cheaply built homes will be vulnerable to attack by multiple zombies, use the largest zombies as rams to batter down doors.
Watch out for armed humans, let the foolish zombies around you take them out, just be ready to dispose of those zombies quickly yourself, remember that the undead don’t play by any rules.
Avoid politicians and tax collectors, they are another kind of undead already and might be more dangerous than any humans you encounter.

I’d offer more tips for zombies, however I’m not rooting for them to win.
Thanks for reading, I hope you’ll keep an eye out for related posts early next week.

Jokes for October 22nd

Thanks for joining me again this fine Wednesday night, I hope you’re ready for a few halloween themed jokes tonight!

Whys

Why didn’t the necromancer jockey win more races?
Because he didn’t have a ghost of a chance.

Why are vampires lousy card sharks?
They have trouble with the stakes.

Why do vampires never eat at barbecue resturants?
The chefs always have steaks.

Who

Who eats turkey on Halloween?
Gobble-ins

Jokes

A young Van Helsing dreamed of being a world famous poker player. However every time he tried to play, he found the chairs too high for him, he couldn’t quite reach the stakes.

Remember these?

Why is a vegetarian used car salesman like a vampire?
They both hate stakes.

Why did the vampire run a bank?
It ran in the blood.

Dr van Helsing was addressing a group of sport fans, he gave them this sage piece of advice: “It’s best to watch baseball games during the day, that way you know that any bats you see flying aren’t vampires.”

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed these jokes.

Halloween costumes, part one

I promised you an interesting post this week and here it is!
Halloween is drawing near, so it’s about time for you to decide on an interesting costume, here are a few suggestions:

The simple

1:

Get a suit, tie and vampire teeth along with a briefcase. You are now either a vampire bankster (yes I know that’s an oxymoron).

2:

Remember those old cell phone comercials? Just get a bluetooth ear piece and walk around saying something like: “Signal strength test. NSA bug 4 is working.” Now you’re an NSA bug tester.

Cat’s always make things better

1:

While this costume takes a bit more work, its a lot better:

Build a tiny seat behind your head, place strings attached to each of your limbs like a marionette leading to the seat. Now the hard part is placing your cat in the seat.
While this isn’t exactly a costume, it does show just who is in control.

2:

This next cat related idea takes a little bit of imagineation, but it’ well worth it, you should get at least a chuckle or two:

All you need is an empty cat food can or treat package. You are now a used up treat or food dispenser.

I hope you’ve enjoyed these ideas, I’ll have a few more for you later this week.
Thanks for reading and please feel free to comment.