How to ruin any food: Cranbery sauce

As the fall days begin to grow colder, who doesn’t think about cranberry sauce, if only in passing? The tart cranberry literally stewed in its own juices until it begins to thicken? This is one of the foods no winter holiday is complete without… and I’m going to ruin it. Ready to get started?

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

History:

Cranberry sauce is perhaps one of the most mysterious foods that I have attempted to ruin. The history of  cranberries is an old and interesting one, but I’m much more interested in bring you the history of cranberry sauce, something that doesn’t exist as far as I can find. The only fact I’ve seen quoted in several places is that General Ulysses S. Grant ordered it served to his troops during a siege in 1864.

 

What it is:

Cranberry sauce is basically a sauce made from cranberries that had been boiled in sugar-water until they pop, after a few minutes the juice thickens and you get cranberry sauce.

 

How to ruin it:

While this is a very simple dish, most people take it a step farther and add other spices and juices to change the taste. This gives us an edge in ruining it.

The water or juice:

Changing the water or juice added to the water is the first place we look to ruin cranberry sauce.

Consider replacing the water with ginger ale, it’ll give your cranberry sauce a very interesting taste to say the least.

Root beer is an even better choice, it’s a different color and much stronger flavor, few people will enjoy root beer cranberry sauce.

Another interesting idea is to use onion juice in place of the water, this would be best done in a well ventilated area, unless you like the smell of onions in which case have fun.

If you would rather add juice to the cranberry sauce after the base sauce is made, consider the following:

Tomato juice

Carrot juice

Cherry juice

Strawberry juice

Lemonade

Anything that doesn’t normally say cranberry to the masses, use your imagination and let me know what you come up with.

Another way to ruin it:

Some recipes call for adding spices to the cranberry sauce, consider any of the following:

Garlic powder

Cumin powder

Curry powder

Cayenne powder

 

I think these are more than enough ways to ruin cranberry sauce, don’t you?

Thanks for reading and I hope you’ll join me again next Saturday night when I ruin another helpless food.

Weather terminology explained

Tonight I’m going to explain the secrets behind weather terminology, these are the secrets that that weather forecasters (a.k.a. meteorologists) don’t want you to know.

Partly cloudy
There might be enough clouds to hide the sun, but you could still see some light.

Partly sunny
There should be some sun, but there should be a few clouds… unless the sun is obscured, in which case the sn is out somewhere within a few hundred miles.

Isolated showers
There’s going to be rain, or at least a few drizzles, you might not see them, most people might not, but somewhere within the county or country there will be rain showers.

Flurries
We’re going to get snow! It just might not be much and you might not see t, unless we get a foot of snow, in which case it’s all due to a change in the jet stream and not how I read the data.

Breezy
Batten down the hatches! The wind is going to blow and nothing is safe, but it’s not windy yet!

Thanks for reading, I hope you’ve enjoyed this post.
If you’d like to see some other weather terminology defined, let me know in the comments.

Wacky wisdom

Tonight I’ve got a few choice bits of wisdom for you, or at least what sounds like wisdom:

When the weather turns cold, start a fire.

If you wonder if the NSA is listening to you, just imagine if you were a fly on their wall.

Don’t confuse candles with candies.

The only time you should steal is during a baseball game and you’re on base.

Winter is all about snow busness.

The best package handlers are boxers.

‘The best advice I can give any tailor is not to get hung up with hangers.’

A plant stand is not a good place to sit.

If the book gets thrown at you, read it. Yu might learn something.

Food should be good, when it is, eat it.

I hope you’ve enjoyed these few bits of ‘wisdom’. Feel free to cmment.
Thanks for reading!

Jokes for November 19th

It’s Wednesday night again, time for another batch of jokes! Tonight I’ve got a bunch of jokes, both good and bad, that I’m eager to share with you!

Whats

What did the submarine captain do when he retired?
He bought a dive.

What did Dr. Van Helsing serve for Thanksgiving?
Stakes.

What did the baseball pitcher turned judge say to the outfielder before throwing the book at him?
You’re way off base.

Jokes

A world famous cyber thief took sick and when to see a famous doctor. The doctor examined the thief. After careful consideration, the doctor said “Take one tablet an hour and call me in the morning.”

The captain of a submarine retired and opened up a hardware store that only took orders online. Things were going well until one day when a retired enemy admiral turned contractor came in to pick up his order. The retired sub captain asked for his order, the admiral replied “Sink, sink!”

Cats

Jane excitedly called up a famous scientistic paper to announce a world shaking discovery.
“I’ve discovered something that can change its mass to be as light a a feather or as heavy as a boulder!”
The scientists were appropriately intrigued and asked for more details.
“It’s a cat,” Jane replied.

What activity are cats adept at?
Laps.

Thank’s for reading, I hope you enjoyed these jokes tonight.

How to give a cat a lap

o you want to get your cat to enjoy your lap. It’s a noble effort, and you will find that your cat will enjoy it. Some cats are natural lap cats, other cats might need a bit of convincing. Here are a few tips to help your reluctant cat enjoy your lap:

1: Wash your clothes in catnip: Forget soap, use catnip, the more the better.

2: Cover your lap in treats: Your cat might not get on your lap, but once they are stated you will be able to pick her up and place her on your lap with little resistance.

3: Sit in the only sunny spot in your house, your cat will follow.

4:Pour a bag of catnip on your lap. Your cat will enjoy your lap, or rather the catnip on it.

If your cat doesn’t like your lap, you can keep trying, just be prepared for your cat showing you his claws, you’ll also get to feel them quite well.
However most cats enjoy sitting on a human’s lap.
Far harder is getting them off, that requires even more catnip, toys, treats and promises of future laps.

Thanks for reading.

A slight warm up

As the Polar Vortex retreats for the moment, everyone can let out a sigh of relief as warmer weather returns for a while.
When the weather changes like this, I’m reminded of comic books, either a mini-series within a regular series, where the evil doer(s) pretend to be defeated, but really have just unleashed a doomsday weapon, or when a character that was killed of is revealed to still be alive and fighting super criminals under a new name.
Even if you don’t see parallels between weather events and comic books, you likely started growing (at least slightly) used to the colder weather.
The only unfortunate thing about the warmer weather is that you have fewer reasons to drink as much hot chocolate.
The coming weeks will offer more chances for hot chocolate, as well as comic books to read.
With this late year warm up, you can read any kind of comic books you enjoy, everything goes well right now, in fact with the upcoming holidays, you might want to get as much comic reading time in as you can.
Enjoy the weather, enjoy the comic books and keep drinking that hot chocolate no matter what.
Thanks for reading!

How to ruin any food: Pumpkin pie

It’s that time of fall when pumpkin pies are found in abundance. the simple pumpkin pie is something that nearly everyone has tried at some point in their lives; you might like them or you might hate them, but you have tried them I’d be willing to guess.

Tonight we’ll be looking at the history of the humble pumpkin pie and how to ruin it. I hope you’re ready for some fun!

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

History:

The history of pumpkin pie is an interesting one. While pumpkins are native to north America, it seems that the first true pumpkin pie originated somewhere in France in the 1650s or there about. Though with anything that long  ago, it is doubtful that we will ever know just who was the first person to place a pumpkin filling into a pie crust.

Before then it is assumed that pumpkins were mostly eaten as a pudding.

If you’re interested in a few interesting facts I’d suggest these sites:

The Wikipedia page on pumpkin pies: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pumpkin_pie has several interesting facts about pumpkins as well as mentioning poems and songs about pumpkin pies from the 1800s.

Another site filled with more information then you’ll ever want to read is http://whatscookingamerica.net/History/PieHistory/PumpkinPie.htm

 

What it is:

A pumpkin pie is basically a pumpkin custard baked in a pie crust. Normally made with evaporated milk, a number of variations exist, from sweetened condensed milk to honey and cream.

Typically you’ll want to serve it with whipped cream or a dollop of ice cream.

 

How to ruin:

At first glance ruining pumpkin pie seems hard to do, most people have never made one from scratch, so it can seem a bit magical. However I assure you that it is all too easy to ruin a pumpkin pie, as you will soon learn.

The pie crust:

The pie crust is the base of a pumpkin pie and the best place to begin. While good pies need a light flaky crust, we’ll want a heavy, tough, chewy crust that bends more than crumbles. So basically do everything against your crust recipe. Add extra butter, cut back on the flour and add extra water.

The filling:

A dirty little secret known to only the people who pay attention to such things is the fact that canned pumpkin isn’t really just pumpkin, it also contains regular squash!

This opens a number of ways to ruin a pumpkin pie, namely to use any kind of squash that you can find. Have a spaghetti squash? Throw it in! Have zucchini instead? That’s great, they are all squash. It’ll  just have a bit different taste and texture… which is exactly what we’re looking for here. Your pumpkin pie will turn out green if you’re lucky.

Another trick is not to add any eggs to the filling, that’ll change your pie as well.

Now we come to one more part of the filling that deserves a section to itself:

              The seasonings:

While normally you’d just use the ambiguous ‘pumpkin pie spice’ mix or put one together yourself, I have a few suggestions for you:

  • Curry powder, this will add a unique taste.
  • Chili powder, a hint of chili in your pie, mmmm.
  • Garlic and onion, is there anything these two can’t improve?
  • Cumin powder, it’ll add that spicy flavor all pies need.
  • Paprika, it’ll add a bit of color.
  • Hot chocolate mix, doesn’t chocolate improve everything?

    The topping:

Yes, the topping. While a dad of ice cream or whipped cream improves everything, we’re looking to ruin everything instead.

Onion dip, it’ll change everything about your pie and ruin it in one step.

Sour cream will also add that unique quality that doesn’t fit with pies.

If you must remain true to the normal toppings but still want something different, try onion ice cream. If you want to remain with whipped cream, add a few drops of green and blue food coloring after you finish whipping it, that should look strange enough to ruin it.

 

I think that’s enough ways of ruining pumpkin pies for tonight, though I’d love to hear your thoughts, have you ever ruined a pumpkin pie?

I hope you’ll join me again next Saturday night as I ruin another food. Thanks for reading!

 

Wacky thoughts- November 13th

Once more I’m diving into the world of wacky thoughts:

Imagine if weather forecasters named all storms after famous generals? And they used military terms for the results:

Just think, if that happened you’d be likely to hear something like this: Julius Caesar is launching an all out assault on California. Expect squads of snow attacking at all hours.

Politicians could be used for other weather events, like the jet stream and fronts, it would make sense since they are all full of hot air anyway.

Socks should only come in three colors: Red sox, white sox and black sox.

Imagine if all new shows were required to begin and end each show with a joke. The number of people hired to come up with jokes would drastically reduce unemployment.

It would be amusing if everyone who deals with literature for a living was called a bookie.

Thanks for reading.

Jokes for November 12th

It’s Wednesday night again, a cold one to be sure, but that’s not deterring me from offering you a few jokes.

Whats

What did the rain storm say about the snow storm that was following it?
He’s a flake.

What did the meteorologist say as she studied the radar while the snow storm moved in?
Icy you!

What do you get if you cross a snow storm with a whirlpool?
A polar vortex.

Huhs?

How do you stop a raging snow storm?
Toss it in a polar vortex.

How does a seance leader like her steak?
Medium.

How do you stop a vampire snowman?
A well done steak in the heart.

Remember these?

A chicken was the only survivor of a shipwreck, it finally makes it to an island. Deciding to search the isle for signs of life, the chicken walked from one end of the isle to the other and back again. When it returned to where it started it hadn’t found a single sign of life, but suddenly a native leaped out of the bushes and exclaimed in perfect English “Here’s the double crosser!”

Why was the mechanic a great chef? He knew his oils!

is this funny?

A man was trying to avoid a lion in the middle of New York, he kept running until he found himself in a bar somewhere in Morocco, he asked the bartender if he knew how to make a lion vanish.
The bartender thought for a moment, then nodded and burst into song.

Thanks for reading, I hope you’ve enjoyed at least one of these jokes.
Please feel free to comment.

Cats on a snowy day

As fall begins to slowly transition into winter, you will find that your cat won’t really enjoy the colder weather. In fact cats hate cold weather. There are a few things you can do for your cat, they won’t suddenly love winter, but at least they will be happier.

1: Cover your cat with a blanket. It’s a well known fact that cats love to be warm. Some cats also enjoy being tucked under a blanket to stay warm, but not all. If you’re not sure if your cat likes to be under a blanket, be prepared to be clawed.

2: A cup of hot chocolate for yourself while you give your cat a lap. I suggest a gigantic mug as your cat will spend most of a day on your lap if you let him or her.

3: Play a game with your cat. You have undoubtedly found some food that you and your cat both love, it’s just something that happens. Take that food and hide it, it won’t take your cat long to find it, but it’ll give you the chance to make another cup of hot chocolate.

4: A few cats actually enjoy winter, if your cat is one, go outside and play in the snow, watch as your cat chases snowflakes, build snow mice for your cat to pounce on.

5: play with your cat, this is very important, it’ll keep your cat warm and help them forget about the weather for a while.

6: If none of these tips work, move to a warmer climate, your cat will love it and you’ll never have to deal with snow again.

Do you have any suggestions for helping a cat ignore the cold? Please leave any tips in the comments.
Thanks for reading and keep warm.