Random thoughts about cats for July 21

Cats, sweet lovable cats. Cats are the most incredible creatures in the world, but you likely knew that already, they’re also the most frustrating creatures in the world, but you know that already.

Cats play hard… If you can call it playing that is…

Even as the mysterious creatures can seem to be in a fight to the death, you glance the them and they look at you, it’s that moment you realize they are merely playing… Or insane.

Cats can see wonder in everyday objects. A simple door can become a toy two of them can play with.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if a cat is just exhausted or hurt with how they play.

Even with all the hardships of being around cat, a little bit of catnip will soon ease the way.

Thanks for reading!

HoW to ruin any food: A look at food names

Tonight I thought I’d try something a bit different. Instead of looking at different ways to ruin a food, I thought I’d high light a few foods that come pre-ruined.

While this list may be slightly controversial, I feel that it’s mostly true.

A list is the best way to get started, so…

 

  • Rutabaga: Do you really want to ruta a bega?
  • Turnips: Turn nips, something that nips as you turn?
  • Brussels sprouts: A sprouted city?
  • Cauliflower: California flowers?
  • Lima beans: Beans from Lima? Really? Couldn’t you be a bit more globally accepting? Are beans from Lima really that much better? What if you grow them in Texas?
  • Field corn: Doesn’t all corn grow in fields? This just happens to be nearly inedible.

 

What about foods and drinks that are named funny?

  • Walnuts: Nuts that grow on walls? Or nuts from Walmart? Either way…
  • Gin: Are you drinking or playing cards?
  • Bamboo shoots: Do you really want to mess with food that packs heat?
  • Coleslaw: Slaw made from coal? Or is it coal from Slovakia?
  • Mac and cheese: Don’t you think Mac’s a little annoyed about being covered in cheese? Isn’t he a truck driver too?
  • Bloody Mary’s: Are you a cannibal or something?
  • Blackened anything: Blackened? I thought it was burnt.
  • Kumquat: Isn’t that a kind of exercise?
  • Wine: Yes, wine. I know what you’re thinking -Why would anyone complain about wine?  Wine’s great, you say, I’m crazy you say. Well, let’s quit whining about wine, okay?
  • Brandy: Is it a drink or another cannibal thing?
  • Sloppy Joes: Are you describing a food or poor table manners?
  • Hot dogs: Don’t leave them in a car, just give them some water a shade… hmm? It’s not a pet? Oh…
  • Corn Dogs: What, couldn’t you find a German shepherd to watch your corn?
  • Nacho tortilla chips: You use tortilla chips to make nachos, not the other way around.

Pastas are just as bad…

  • Vermicelli: I’d rather have them in my garden.
  • Linguine: Little tongues? More cannibals!
  • Penne: I’d be using one now if I didn’t have my keyboard.
  • Orecchiette: Little ears? Is everyone a cannibal now?

 

While I could go one for quite a while, I think this is enough for tonight.

Thanks for reading and eat well… only hopefully not like a cannibal even though so much food sounds like it is.

Next week we’ll return to our normal ruining of food.

Feel free to comment.

Cook like a cat

Tonight I’ll show you how to cook like a cat would.

Salad

Everyone loves a salad, even cats. A salad composed of wheat grass and catnip with an egg dressing is superb.

Another option is a fruit salad with whipped cream. A cat friendly option is to exclude the fruit.

Main course

The one thing every meal would be incomplete without is gravy. Every cat loves gravy… come to think of it, so do most humans.

Tuna is another option for picky cats. Most other kinds of fish are also acceptable… only no catfish please.

Cats are carnivorous, its a fact. They enjoy any kind of meat. Don’t think that cats dislike big game… a buffalo is fair game if you have enough large cats.

Desserts

No meal is complete without dessert. Dessert is one meal that is extraordinarily simple for cats: Catnip ice cream.
If you cannot find catnip flavored ice cream, simply take vanilla ice cream and sprinkle catnip liberally on top.
Some cats will accept plain vanilla ice cream as well.

Thanks for reading, I hope you’ve enjoyed this.
Feel free to comment.

Jokes for July 16th

Once more it’s Wednesday night and I’ve got a few jokes for you.
This week I’ve decided to present to you a collection of my favorite jokes from previous Wednesdays.
i hope you get another chuckle from these jokes.

Why did the author go digging in his garden?
He was looking for bookworms!

Long ago there was a cowboy called Slim, in addition to riding herd, he worked at maintaining the telegraph line as an electrician . Eventually Slim retired and went east to visit his cousin in New York.
Slim was warmly received until his cousin asked him why he left the west and Slim replied ” I’m delightfully deranged.”

A paranoid rich man died, with his dying breath he revealed that only a laughing ghost talker could manage to tell his heirs where his will was. After several months of searching, the courts reluctantly admitted that they couldn’t find a happy medium.

What did people call the wannabe actor who was fired from a peach preserve factory?
A canned ham!

What happened when the salad saw the peanut dressing?
It was shell shocked!

Three nuts run into a bar in Nevada, they were arrested on suspicion of running a shell game.

A man walked into a truck stop and ordered a hamburger, ad an after thought he added “Hold the pickle.”
A few moments later, Harry, the truck stop’s harried short order chef whose was very hairy, came marching out on the kitchen and thrust a dripping cucumber into the man’s hand, saying “Hold your own pickle!”

Jack went to a taco joint south of the border for lunch, after he had eaten he noticed a rabbi, a cardinal and a cleric making something together behind the counter, curious he asked the proprietor, Jose.
Jose opened his mouth to reply, but a ninja fell from the ceiling, pressed a dirk to Jose’s throat and asked what he wanted on his tombstone.
Being a person who always answered any questions asked him, and knowing that he had only one more chance to speak before he died, answered both questions at one by saying “Holy guacamole!”
Jose was astounded when the ninja laughed, handed him an avocado pizza and left peacefully.

New joke

I wouldn’t feel right without offering one new joke, no matter how bad it is, so here you go:

Joe was excited when he went to the airport, he thought TSA stood for Taco Society of America. When told he was wrong, he asked why all airports have a society insides them devoted to antique cars.

I hope you enjoyed these jokes, next week I’ll try to have all news jokes. sorry for any typos.
Thanks for reading!

A few random thoughts about cats

Has anyone realized that cats would be great spies? Here are a few reasons:

1.They can go anywhere without anyone noticing.
2. If they are discovered, all they would have to do is to roll over and bat some yarn.
3. With their natural ninja like reflexes, they are ready for anything.
4. They can climb anything that they can’t jump on.
5.With modern technology, any collar could be out fitted with a voice transmitter.

With that said, the only drawback is that a string or bag of catnip could turn any cat into a double agent.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s amazing how high cats can jump, when you see them jump you realize just much that tail helps their balance.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s also amazing to see just how brave and unconcerned some cats are. When you knock things over and they don’t even glance up, you can tell that they feel right at home and safe.
It does make you wonder just what they’d do if something dangerous was coming towards them however.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some cats have such soft fur while other cats fur isn’t nearly as soft, it’s amazing that there is such a difference between cats.

Thanks for reading, feel free to comment.

Odd observations

Here’s an odd observation:

Everyone knows what a car is,
Everyone knows what a pet is,
So what exactly is a carpet?
A pet for cars? A way to pet a car?
No, it’s manmade fur for your floor.

You get to brush it (vacuum it).
You get to clean it.
You get to care for it.

With that in mind, carpet is almost like a pet, only it doesn’t eat.

Strawberries are not made from straw, they don’t taste like straw and the strawberry plant is not straw.

To paraphrase the Bard: A strawberry by any other name would still not be straw.

Thanks for reading, sorry I didn’t have anything more interesting tonight.

How to ruin any food: Hot Dogs

Tonight we’re looking taking a break from ice cream and looking at how to ruin hot dogs. At first glance the humble hot dog seems like an easy food to ruin, but we’ll find out in just a few moments.

Before we begin, I want to offer these normal words of warning:

 

WARNING: DO NOW READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY FOOD!

The rest of this post is designed to be humorous and is not intended to be taken seriously. Any attempt to ingest the substance described in the following paragraphs is not suggested and should be avoided. You’ve been warned.

 

History of tonight’s food:

 

While a single thought about hot dogs would seem to suggest little odd about them, a bit of digging into their storied history shows that the origin of the hot dog is as confusing as any food I’ve tackled here before.

Even the century that they were invented in is uncertain. One legend says that in 1484 in Frankfurt Germany the hot dog was invented, another tale claims that it was invented in the 1690s in Coburg, Germany, yet a third claim cites 1805 in Vienna, Austria, the term ‘wiener’  was first used. No matter which story is correct,  one thing is indisputable, the fact that nearly everyone has eaten a hotdog.

The hotdog bun is also a confusing item, but I’m not looking at that tonight.

It is a fact that after hot dogs were served on Coney Island, N.Y. it has been an unstoppable force to be reckoned with.

 

What it is:

 

Everyone knows what a hot dog is, right? It’s a kind of sausage in a bun with toppings on it.

 

How to ruin it:

 

The best way to ruin a hot dog is by changing the toppings on it, even though many people would claim that any hotdog is already ruined just because it is a hot dog.

 

Ketchup is a standard topping, one that we can replaced with crushed raspberries, strained and thickened slightly until it is nearly the same consistency of ketchup.

 

Mustard is another typical topping, while not as easy to replace, we can do our best with Avocado paste dyed yellow, while it’s not necessarily a way to ruin it in and of itself, it will confuse most people.

 

Many people like chili on their hotdogs, consider making a batch of chili with chocolate chips instead of beans, season it with cinnamon instead of peppers and add anchovies to it.

 

Other toppings to consider:

 

Chocolate syrup: thick and tasty, but not a normal topping  for a hotdog.

Replace onions with chopped pineapple.

Butterscotch: everyone loves butterscotch, right?

Pickled beets.

Pickled apples.

Apple sauce.

Barbeque sauce.

Pop Rocks.

Cherry jam.

Diced turnips.

 

One last way to ruin it would be to pre-cook the hotdog and freeze it, then serve it frozen, no one likes a cold hot dog… though I guess that would technically be an ice dog.

 

I hope you’ve enjoyed this post, I enjoyed writing it. I hope that you won’t try any of these, though if you do I’d like to hear about your reaction.

I hope you’ll join me again next week, when another unsuspecting food will face ruination.

Would you like me to tackle potato salad? Something else with ice cream? Or do you have a suggestion for me? Let me know!

Thanks for reading and feel free to comment.

 

 

How to destroy a classic movie: Creature from the Black Lagoon

It’s Friday night again and we’re going to have some fun redoing a classic movie again.
Tonight I’ve chosen Creature from the Black Lagoon to rewrite. While it’s a great movie, I think we can make it a blockbuster flop tonight.

The plot

As you most likely already now, the plot of the original movie is a half-man, half-fish creature that is found somewhere up the Amazon… and not the website either.
An archeologist/professor finds a fossilized hand of the creature, sends details back and gets an expedition sent to search for the rest of the skeleton, however a living creature has found the group the arcologist/professor left behind to keep an eye on the fossil and killed them.
The expedition is trapped when the creature builds a dam behind their boat and starts to attack the scientists while he waits to kidnap the single woman aboard.

Our movie

Our first task is to change the name, while the original tile is a fine title, we’re going to add a bit of humor to our movie.
Our new title: Creature from the Black Legume.

A tomb is discovered in an uncharted part of the Amazon, a team of specialists are airlifted in to explore the tomb. After unsealing the tomb, the specialists are stunned to find that the only thing the tomb contains is a single black bean.
One year later, in a green house in North Dakota (or wherever you want to set it), a scientist has received the black legume and has planted it.
That night there is a lighting storm that hits the greenhouse, awakening the bean, or rather the creature inside it.
When the scientist arrives the next morning, the greenhouse is in ruins, only the single legume is unharmed, but it’s grown quite large, the scientist soon realizes that the legume is feeding of the other plant, unfortunately he doesn’t realize that it’s also feeding on anything that it can until his assistant is killed by the plant.
A special team of mercenaries is sent in to destroy the legume, but before they can, an alien invasion begins.
The aliens are too tough for humans to defeat and our only hope is to convince the aliens to attack the legume and hope they destroy each other.
Little do the scientists and generals know that the legume is actually an alien being who was trapped on Earth millennia ago and the aliens are there to rescue it.
Th black legume enters the alien ship and departs, leaving behind no sign of it’s existence… except for a single strand of DNA a scientist finds an begins to grow a new legume.
The End

I hope you’ve enjoyed this remake, I know I’ve had fun writing it.
Feel free to comment on this or suggest a movie for next week.
Thanks for reading.

Random thoughts for July 10th

If cats made sense:

The world would end
It would rain when you wanted it to
Ice cream would be free
Faster than light travel would be a reality (for humans, cats already are that fast.)

Translation of two cats interacting:

Merger! -Let’s play!
Mergerr! -Get away from me!
Merrger! – Let’s chase one another!
Meerger! -Stop pulling my tal!!
Meargeeerr! – We’ve almost have those humans confused, the catnip is ours!
Merger-iss! – We’re good for 3:30 in the morning, right? We’ll race!

If everyone could just get along for a week, I’m afraid that we’d find that we couldn’t stand it.

when it’s 83º at ten in the evening, you know that summer is in full swing.

Thanks for reading. I hope you’ve enjoyed this post.