How to ruin any food: Bread

Tonight I’m going to show you how to ruin bread. It’s not very hard, but it will go hand in hand with the jelly I ruined for you last Saturday. After you read this post you will be able to make bread that is as strange as the jellies and jams you we made last week. Are you ready?

 

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

History

Continuing with my habit of selecting foods that date back to antiquity, we have bread. One of the oldest prepared foods on Earth.

The history of bread is more or less the history of ground grains, or flour.

Flour dates back around 30,000 years, give or take a few years.

Flour was only roughly ground until around 800 B.C when milling was invented and refined.

However it wasn’t until around 300 years B.C. that the Egyptians began making yeast in quantity to leaven the bread, or make it rise if you prefer. Since then, bread basically remained the same  until 1928 when it was sliced. However there may be some interesting developments with bread soon, they are billed as… you know the rest.

 

What it is

It’s bread. Flour and water mixed with yeast and baked. One of the simplest foods in existence and also still quite tasty.

 

How to ruin it

Ruining bread might seem hard as it is such a simple food, however there are many ways to ruin it as you will soon see.

 

The simplest way to ruin bread is to use a grain or flour that you don’t enjoy, for me that would be rye flour.

Another way to ruin bread is to liberally use food coloring to give it an odd off-color. Not many people would find bright red bread tasty.

Green bread also is a nasty looking color for bread.

An interesting idea is to divide a batch of bread into two, than dye one half green and the other blue. Once the dough has risen once, carefully mix the two halves back together. You don’t to combine them so much that the colors become one color. Let it rise once more before baking. You should get something very unappetizing.

 

You can also try adding flavors to your bread. Add two flavors that have no reason to be in bread together: Try Anice and Cumin, Cayenne and Nutmeg, Garlic and Molasses or Apple and Onion.

You can also try to add other things into your bread that might seem odd, for instance:

Bacon and doughnuts: Simply cook your bacon and crumble it int the bread dough. Rip a day old doughnut into small pieces and mix it in as well.

Sauerkraut and Apples: Chop your apples into small pieces first, make sure the sauerkraut doesn’t make your dough too wet, add extra flour if needed.

 

There you go, a number of ways to ruin bread! Give it some thought and come up with your own way, feel free to share it in the comments!

Thanks for reading, I hope you’ll join me again next week when we ruin another food!

Jokes for September 17th

I’m taking a bit of a break from my blog this week, but I couldn’t keep from posting a few jokes. These might be mostly old ones, but I still like them.

Remember this joke:

A city slicker was visiting a farm, he asked the farmer how things were growing,the farmer said everything was coming up roses. The city slicker congratulated the farmer, to which the farmer said “Thing is, I planted beets.”

It’s harvest time now, so I came up with this:

A city slicker visited a farm n mid-september, he got to talking with the farmer and inquired about the crop.
“I’m having a bumper crop this year,” the farmer replied.
“Glad to hear it, Think next year will be as good?”
“I hope not!” The farmer exclaimed, “What am I going to do with all these dang bumpers?”

Or do you think this one is better?

A man drove nearly two hundred miles looking for a junkyard that was said to have the last part he needed to finish his 1926 motorcycle. After searching for the junk yard for hour, he spied a farmer and stopped to ask where the junkyard was. He got to talking to the farmer who commented that he was having a bumper crop that year.
When the man asked about the junkyard, the farmer replied “This used to be that junkyard until I bought it last year. Why do you think I’m digging up so many danged bumpers?”

I still like these jokes as well:

A paranoid rich man died, he left instructions that only a laughing ghost talker could manage to tell his heirs where his will was. After several months of searching, the courts reluctantly admitted that they couldn’t find a happy medium.

What did people call the wannabe actor who was fired from a peach preserve factory?
A canned ham!

John loved cucumbers until the day he woke up in a vat of salt and vinegar and exclaimed “I’m pickled!”

Jack went to a taco joint south of the border for Lunch, after he had eaten he noticed a rabbi, a cardinal and a cleric making something together behind the counter, curious he asked the proprietor, Jose.
Jose opened his mouth to reply, but a ninja fell from the ceiling, pressed a dirk to Jose’s throat and asked what he wanted on his tombstone.
Being a person who always answered any questions asked him, and knowing that he had only one more chance to speak before he died, answered both questions at one by saying “Holy guacamole!”
Jose was astounded when the ninja laughed, handed him an avocado pizza and left peacefully.

I hope you’ve enjoyed these jokes. I’ll be back coming up with lots of jokes next week.
Thanks for reading!

How to ruin any food: Jams and jellies

Tonight I thought I’d continue to tackle seasonal foods, this time with jams and jellies. I classify these as seasonal as this is the time of year many fruits are ready to be used for jam and jelly making.

This should be an interesting task, ruining jams and jellies, but I doubt it’ll be very hard. Shall we begin?

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

What it is:

Quite simply, jam is what you get into when you try to write a post about something you don’t know anything about… oh, not that kind of jam?

All kidding aside, jam is a spread made from fruit with limited waste.

Jelly is quite similar to jam, however it utilizes the juice of the fruit without the rest of the flesh and seeds.

 

History:

As you should realize by now, while I’ll try to give you a few key facts about the history of tonight’s foods, it isn’t a simple thing to do as they have been eaten for so long that no one knows how they were invented for the most part.

From what records survive, the ancient Romans enjoyed jams, in fact one Marcus Gavius Apicius in the first century A.D. wrote a cookbook that had jam recipes in it, more about which can easily be found, here is the Wikipedia article about it http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apicius

Jam was not very well-known until after the crusades, mostly because sugar was not as prevalent as it is today.

As for Jelly, very little information is available from what I’ve found, only that the word derives from the french word gelée.

 

 

How to ruin it:

ruining jams and jelly takes a steady hand, deviate from your recipe too much and it won’t work, the jelly might not set or it might be too thin or thick. How ever it is possible if you are brave.

 

 Dye jelly!

Use a few drops of food coloring, just imagine eating green strawberry jelly. Purple apple jam, or even blue raspberry jam!

This isn’t too hard to do and pretty safe as you won’t be using more than a few drops of your food coloring.

 

Does this jam taste funny?

Yes, season your jam. Use just a little bit to keep from risking your jam or jelly setting up. A few drops of flavoring shouldn’t hurt how it sets up, but it should change the taste perfectly! Imagine biting into what looks like raspberry jam and finding that it has a strong mint taste.

 

Strange jams and jellies:

 

Everyone else is doing it now, pepper jelly, tomato jelly, you name it and someone had tried to make it. Now it’s your turn.

While this is a bit riskier than simply adding a bit to a proven recipe, it shouldn’t be too hard for you to create a new jam or jelly based on what you have.

Consider two or more flavors. Try Mango and Cherry. Apple and Tomato. Strawberry, blueberry and raspberry. The sky is the limit if you have the patience and skill.

 

These ideas should give you a good start to ruining your next batch of jam or jelly

I’d like to know if you have any tips or suggestions for ruining jams or jellies.

Thanks for reading, I hope you’ve enjoyed tonight’s post.

The best time of the year?

We’re getting down to the last days of summer now. It’s starting to be easier to see the signs that Fall and Winter is coming. However there are a few good things that are happening right now:

1: Hot chocolate in the morning, Lemonade in the afternoon.
2: The sun goes down early, which is a great excuse to waste the evenings doing what you want without feeling like you need to be busy.
3: It’s warm enough for hot dogs and cool enough (some days) for soup.
4: You can still eat ice cream while reading comic books.
5: You can drink hot chocolate while reading comic books.
6: You don’t need ice for your water.

These are all good reasons to enjoy this time of year, however it isn’t perfect by any means. We have to worry about how rough of a winter it might be, or how mild.
We have to realize that next week we might be shoveling two feet of snow, or that we might not have any snow until December.
There is no perfect time of day to have hot chocolate and ice cream at the same time. If you do try it, any comic book you’re reading will most likely be ruined, I do not suggest this.
I suppose that the one thing that this time of year is good for a meal of soup, salad and sandwish.

So there you have it, this may be a great time of year, but is it the best time of the year? that is a question that doubt will ever be answered definitively.
What do you think?
Thanks for reading!

How cats see things

Cats see the world differently from us humans, here are a few examples:

If a cat can see you, you can see the cat, even if he is behind you.

If a cat ignores you, you can’t see her.

If you’re doing something that isn’t related to food, you must want to play.
What else is there to do besides eat and play? Or hunt…

If you are doing something with food, it had better be for your cat. Why else would you have food?

Doors serve no purpose and should be left open no matter what; how else can your cat go where he or she wants anytime day or night?

Bags of cat food are fair game, game claws can help with. As a cat thniks, if the top don’t open, rip the side.

Thee time between your foot lifting from one step to setting down on the next is more than enough time for a cat to slip under it.

Human’s like nothing more than to be tripped, it’s a fun game.

There is no such thing as cat proof, it’s just a challange.

Nothing is too high for a cat, if there is something fun up there.

A cat’s claws are always quicker than human hands, even if they don’t know what you’re doing.

Thanks for reading, I hope you’ve enjoyed this post.
Please feel free to share your experiences of how cats see the world.

Jokes for September 20th

It’s time for more jokes! Somedays its hard to come up with jokes, but I’m not going to let you down. I’ve got several new jokes that should be either good enough or bad enough to give you a laugh. I hope you enjoy these.

Whens

When did the athlete discover that he was better suited to be a demolition expert?
When his coach told him to hit the showers

When a baseball bat records a song, is it automatically a hit?

Who…

Who do fruits turn to for help?
Lemons, they are always in lemonaid.

Who wins during a boxing match between clothing?
It always ends in a tie.

Cat jokes

A cat walks onto a dairy farm. It watches as a farmer milks a cow. Thinking to get himself some fresh milk he walks toward the farmer and trips him. The farmer scolds the cat and puts him in the barn with a religious text. As the cat explores, he discovers a way into the attached chicken coop. With a grin, the cat thinks “I’ve got a wing and a prayer now!”

Apple and doctor jokes

If an apple gets drunk, is it sauced?

An apple was kicked out of a bar because he was sauced.

A doctor went skydiving. While his parachute deployed perfectly, a gust of wind forced him off course. A few weeks later he was found nearly starved to death in the middle of an orchard. When asked why he hadn’t just picked some fruit to eat, he explained that he had spent those weeks surrounded by apples, proving once again, apples keep doctors away.

A doctor vanish on vacation. After a multinational manhunt, he was found celebrating in a bar with a piece of fruit. The official story was that an apple a day kept the doctor away.

remember this one?

A joke from one of my earlier joke posts:

Two melons had fallen in love and we’re planning on running away to get married, before they did, the decided to confide In their friend, a walnut.
After hearing their plans, the walnut burst out laughing as he said “you two crack me up, you to, cantaloupe.”

Thanks for reading. I hope at least one of these jokes cracked you up.
I’ll have more new jokes next week.

What if… September 9th

Tonight I’m sharing a few what ifs with you. These are intended to give you a chuckle and just maybe a bit of food for thought.

What if…

Summer lasted all year round?

Moving boxes were just boxers who moved around the ring?

This post made sense?

Keyboards always worked right and didn’t skip letters on occasion?

Blog posts were easy to write?

We went back to where clouds that only contained rain or snow?

Humans used common sense more often?

New was actual news and not just rehashed leftover stories from a week ago?

Directions made sense?

I had consistently good ideas for my blog?

Thanks for reading.

Things cats have no use for

Tonight I’m sharing with you a few things that cats have no use for. I’m also including for your delight a brief reason why they don’t need these items.

Night vision goggles (cats can see purr-fectly well in the dark as it is)
Mouse traps (traps take the fun out of the hunt after all)

Stop signs (If you’re going a hundred mile per hour, you can’t see the signs… besides who ever thought to put stop signs in a hallway anyway?)

Broccoli (Come on, does anyone like the stuff? No self respecting cat would either!)

Radio (Cats believe that they can sing better than any human… however they would like to know if it’s a small person or a mouse that can talk in those speakers.)

Balls of yarn (Cats believe that all yarn should be free from balls and it is their duty to free all yarn from lives of roundness.)

Books (The only purpose of books is to distract humans from serving cats, a fact that all cats know from birth.)

Closed doors (Doors are to be open, otherwise why would they be able to open?)

I hope this post has helped you understand your cat a bit better, f not, I hope you at least got a chuckle or two.
Thanks for reading and please feel free to comment.

How to ruin any food: Applesauce

Tonight I thought I’d tackle a food that is a bit more seasonal than most of the ones I’ve done before, Applesauce.

Applesauce is another of those foods that you either love or hate, though you may change your mind at any time. Tonight I’ll attempt to change your mind by ruining it. Shall we begin?

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

History

Applesauce… a simple food, one that is most likely as confused history wise as any I’ve ruined so far.

Most likely the first caveman to drop an overripe apple and discover it was still edible was the one who first made applesauce.

The history of apple sauce is nearly unknown, however… I did manage to find one site that has an… unique take on the history of applesauce:

http://mirror.uncyc.org/wiki/Applesauce

I suggest that you don’t take that site with more than a grain of salt, however you may prefer two or three grains of salt depending on your sense of humor.

 

What it is

Applesauce is basically puree apples, it is normally sweetened with either sugar or honey. Cinnamon is a typical seasoning added to it, others can be added that complement the apples, such as allspice and perhaps nutmeg.

 

How to ruin it

That brings us to tonight’s challenge, how to ruin applesauce. It’s not hard at all, as you will soon see.

 

Apples:

Use tomatoes instead of apples, there is a reason that tomatoes were once called love apples.

 

Sweeteners:

Consider using molasses instead of sugar or honey, its distinctive taste will help ruin applesauce.

 

Seasoning:

This is the easiest and best way to ruin applesauce. Changing the seasonings or adding to them will vary the ways you can ruin applesauce. By changing the seasonings around with every batch you make, you should be able to ruin applesauce differently every night for a week at least.

 

  • Cumin
  • Black pepper
  • Garlic powder
  • Onion powder
  • Soy sauce
  • Worcestershire sauce
  • Hot sauce
  • Cayenne pepper powder

 

Other tips:

If you applesauce is too thick, consider thinning it with any of the following:

 

  • Root beer
  • Ginger ale
  • Cola
  • Lemonade
  • Orange juice
  • Tomato juice

 

These ideas should give you a good start to ruining your next batch of applesauce.

I’d like to know if you have any tips or suggestions for ruining applesauce/

Thanks for reading, I hope you’ve enjoyed tonight’s post.

Quotes from Caesar’s cat

While everyone has heard of Julius Caesar, few people have heard of his cat, known as Cattus Caesar. Yes, it’s a lost fact that Caesar never went anywhere without his trust cat. In fact, shortly after Caesar marched into Rome in49 B.C. his cat declared to all Roman cats: (note: This is the english translation of ancient Roman cat languge) I came, I slept, I ate.
During one of Caesar’s many trips to Eqypt, his cat is supposed to have said: I came, I slept, I was worshipped.
While these quotes might make it sound as those he was a lazy cat, it’s not true, as these quotes show:

Mice die many times before their actual deaths.

In war, events of importance are the result of trivial pounces.

It is easier to find mice who will volunteer to die, than to find those who are willing to play with patience.

I divide all mice into three parts.

All Gaul is divided into three parts, but all mice belong to me.

Unfortunately, Cattus Caesar died the same day Julius Caesar died, He was killed by another cat who had claimed to be his friend, he is said to have died after sayin: Et tu, Tom?

Thanks for reading. Please feel free to comment.