How to ruin any food: A summer meal

Tonight I’m going to show you how to ruin your end of summer meal. Even though I dislike the idea of people calling this weekend the end of summer, I’m going to show you the best way to ruin such a meal. As a side thought, those in the southern hemisphere who are just about to begin their summer can use this same meal to get their summer off to a ruined start.

Shall we begin?

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

Order of meal

The first thing we need to do is set the order of the meal.

You normally begin your meal in this order:

  1. Beverage
  2. Salad
  3. Main course
  4. Dessert

However if you really want to ruin it, try something like this:

  1. Salad
  2. Dessert
  3. Beverage
  4. Main course

This has the benefit of confusing your taste buds. Having a beverage right after desert is part of ruining the meal, as you are expecting something really sweet and instead you get a sour drink, which in turn ruins the main course even more than we normally do.

 

Salad

 

We have several choices for a salad. We can use a normal salad with either of these dressings:

 

To a bowl of mayonnaise,  add a can of root beer, a bottle of ketchup, pepper to taste, Limburger cheese, a cup of vinegar, two table spoons of olive oil, a potato (mashed), an anchovies and half an onion.

 

Orange juice,  apple juice, onion juice and tomato juice mixed with a jar of strawberry jam ( this dressing  will most likely be banned in most states).

 

Next we should give everyone a change to have coleslaw instead, I suggest this recipe:

 

Make a sauce base with cottage cheese and anchovies.

Add the following seasonings to taste:

Curry  powder

Nutmeg

Chili powder

Minced licorice

 

Mix kale, onions and potato with the sauce and add a half cup of cabbage.

 

Now we have the salad done and can move on.

 

Dessert

As it is an end of summer meal, we have to have ice cream.

 

For those who want a simple bowl of ice cream, I suggest an avocado bacon ice cream with raspberry sauce on top.

Ice cream sandwiches are another mus for the end of summer. Here is a recipe that I recommend, feel free to make any additions you wish.

Make fresh bread, add blue or green food coloring. Even better is to separate your dough into two, add green food coloring to one and blue to the other. Form your doughs into one loaf, slightly mixing the two doughs together to make it one while keeping the colors mostly separate.

When your bread is baked, the finished product should resemble molded bread.

Slice your bread when its cool. Fill it with this simple Neapolitan ice cream:

Tomato in replace of the Strawberry, Oyster sauce for the Chocolate and Vodka instead of Vanilla.

 

Now I’m sure that you might have to humor someone who doesn’t find either of those two ice cream options tasty. For them you can make either of the following ice cream sundaes:

 

Replace  the vanilla ice cream with avocado ice cream, cover in hot sauce and serve a mango on top.

 

Use tomato ice cream, spaghetti sauce and a meatball replaces the cherry.

 

Beverage:

Can there be any beverage that says summer like Lemonade? Serve this lemonade after your dessert:

 

Grapefruit juice, tomato, onion juice and hot sauce. Mix well and serve with salmon ice cubes.

 

Main course:

Now we come to the main course, the piece de resistance so to speak.

Fried chicken is always a good place to start. Add these seasonings to your batter or flour:

Beet powder

Curry powder

Cumin powder

Brown sugar

Anise

 

After your chicken is fried, have any of these sauces ready to dip it into:

Sweet and sour sauce

Chocolate sauce

Soy sauce

 

Next you’ll want your hot dogs ready. Use the same recipe you used for the ice cream sandwiches bread for your buns. Use the following toppings:

Many people like chili on their hotdogs, make a batch of chili with chocolate chips instead of beans, season it with cinnamon instead of peppers and add anchovies to it.

Chocolate syrup: thick and tasty, but not a normal topping  for a hotdog.

Replace onions with chopped pineapple.

Butterscotch: everyone loves butterscotch, right?

Pickled beets.

Pickled apples.

Apple sauce.

 

No summer cookout is complete without the burgers. Use the same buns as above, only round.

For your burger:

Cook a patty, carefully slice it in two, hollow out the center and place a juicy beet slice inside, seal it back up with cheese and watch as your ‘guest’ bites into it. This should satisfy anyone who wants a ‘rare’ burger.

 

Grind anchovies, rutabaga and parsnips together, mix with your normal patty mix and see what you come up with.

 

Season your patty mix with soy sauce, salsa, Worcestershire sauce and Parmesan cheese. Serve smothered in ketchup and barbecue sauce.

 

Now create a ‘healthy’ burger  by placing a normal patty between two thick slices of pumpkin with guacamole on top, serve with a tub of melted butter.

 

Last but not least, no matter what you serve, you’re going to need a side dish, which has to be french fries, nothing else can go with everything else. Luckily I’ve got you covered. Try these on for size again:

Instead of salt consider coating them in:

Vinegar powder.
Onion powder.
Garlic powder.
Cumin powder.
Cocoa powder

 

Instead of ketchup, try these:

Mustard.
Tomato puree without any seasonings.
Sweet and sour sauce.
Guacamole.

 

There you have it, the perfect way to ruin an end of summer cookout. I hope you enjoyed this post and I thank you for joining me again this Saturday night.

Join me again next week when I return to ruining a single food.

Please leave any comments, I’d love to hear your thoughts about ruining food, I’ll take suggestions for next weeks food as well.

 

Random thoughts for August 29th

Welcome once again to my random thoughts. The horrors of my mind in other words. I hope you enjoy your visit.

This weekend everyone is looking at the ‘End of Summer’, which is not an episode of Doctor Who, no matter how much it sounds like one.

Even though everyone is calling this weekend the end of summer, we really have a few more weeks until Fall begins, just enough time to wonder how hard of a winter it will be before the snow starts flying.

Will a cat-proof terra cotta pot ever be invented? For those of us who prefer not to use plastic pots and have cats that like to run around, I hope so.

Cats play rough with one another, sometime you think they might be out to kill one another, only when it’s too late do you realize the real target is the food you’re carrying.

Cat treats, they are supposed to be just that, treats for cats, but as soon as a cat knows they are there, they turn into another source of food… if the cat like them, if not they get thrown away.

Have you noticed that the unrest in the world never ends? One place flares up while another simmers down until it flares up again, it seems like a perpetual cycle.

For hundreds if not thousands of years, humans have kept trying to predict the future, it’s never really worked. In this day and age you’d think we’d be wiser, but we aren’t. Today we pay people to predict the weather… it still doesn’t work.

Blogging is hard work, it’s even harder when you don’t have any ideas.

Thanks for reading, I hope you’re looking forward to tomorrow night when I ruin some food for the end of summer!

Jokes for August 27th

Thanks for joining me tonight. It’s time for another post filled with bad jokes. I have some jokes for you tonight that I think are pretty good, or bad depending on how you look at it.

Whys

Why do magicians never get elected to office?
Because everyone already knows they are experts at hiding things.

Why don’t cars get lonely?
They have carpets (car pets)

Why did two hockey players buy a costume store?
So they could have a face-off.

Whats

What did the ear of corn say as it was being cooked?
The heat is on.

What happens when you cross a pirate parrot?
You end up walking the plank.

Jokes

A famous sport star past his prime recently put his house up for sale, when the real estate agent asked why, he pointed to the ceiling and said “My fans don’t like me anymore.”

When the famous golfer went to buy art for his new mansion, no painting dealer would do business with him as he was know for getting holes in one.

Which is funnier?

Why did the successful gambler buy a sponge factory?
Because he wanted to really clean up.

Why did the successful Gamber build a soap factory next to the race track?
So he could really clean up.

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed these jokes.

Ice cream and summer

As this coming weekend is the ‘end of summer’ as everyone insists on calling it (even though we still have until September 20th before fall begins) it’s nearing the time to hang the old ice cream scoop up until next year… or is it?
Who says that ice cream is a summer treat and not something to eat year round? Not I!
I feel that many people think ice cream is mostly a summer treat because there haven’t been enough advantages in ice cream deserts geared toward fall and winter. I have a few suggestions:

Create a Fall leafs flavor, it should be a colorful swirl of fall colors, the flavor should be something that seems fall like.

A pumpkin shaped cake or cookie that can be filled with pumpkin flavored ice cream.

They make cookies in seasonal shapes, why not ice cream sandwiches in the same shapes? Just imagine eating a ghost shaped ice cream sandwich on holloween? A snowman during December?

What do you think? Should ice cream be a mainstay all year long? I’m curious what you think.
I may have a few more ideas over the coming weeks or months on this topic.
Thanks for reading!

What we learned in Doctor Who episode ‘Deep Breath’

Following up on my post from last Friday, I have a few answers to my questions.

1. Will it take place right after what we saw on the Christmas special, or will it jump into the future, as the fiftieth anniversary episode did from the last episode of last season?

Yes it did, or at least shortly there after, I think all we missed was a T-Rex chasing the TARDIS.

2. What kind of relationship will Capaldi’s Doctor have with his companion Clara?

This question is still being answered, but for the most part it seems like it’s going to be more like what we saw between between Rose tyler and the ninth Doctor. In fact there was quite a bit of similarity to the episode “End of the World”, from going for chips and the Doctor not having any money.

3. What will the new TARDIS look like? It’s been remodeled from what’s said in one of the trailers.

This was one of the bigger let downs, while it might be slightly changed, I really didn’t notice any major changes, though we didn’t get much of a change to see it.
Personally I’d like to see it a bit brighter like it used to be, however everything is darker on TV right now.

4. What will the new Doctor’s catch phrase be? All I can assume is it’ll be something new that we haven’t heard before.

Nothing stood out as a catch phrase in the first episode, though I suppose that “I’m Scotish!” could be the new catch phrase, though I hope not,
Personally, I much prefer a single word catch phrase

While there was much more to the episode, I really can’t say much without any spoilers, though I assume most interested people have all ready watched it.
However I want to point out that in “The girl in the Fireplace”, the Doctor never learned the name of the ship the time windows were opening on, therefore learning that the Marie Antoinette was the sister ship of the Madam de Pompadour would mean nothing to the Doctor.

Over all I thought it was a good episode, a little week in a few parts but otherwise a strong story. New new Doctor looks like he might be a very interesting version.

Thanks for reading and feel free to share your thoughts.

How to ruin any food: Beverages: Lemonade

Tonight we’re looking at Lemonade and how to ruin it. First off, I know lemonade is really a beverage and not a food, however most people drink something when they eat food. I realized that beverages are one spot I’ve neglected over this series of posts. Now I aim to correct that.

Before we begin, I want to offer these normal words of warning:

WARNING: DO NOW READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY FOOD!

The rest of this post is designed to be humorous and is not intended to be taken seriously. Any attempt to ingest the substance described in the following paragraphs is not suggested and should be avoided. You’ve been warned.

 

History.

The history of lemons is a complicated one. Trying to determine when lemonade was first invented is just as hard, if not harder.

It seems that the first recorded mention of drinking lemon juice and possible lemonade is from Egypt sometime before the tenth century. That said, some murals have been found dating from Ancient Roman times that seem to depict lemons, one can only assume that is there were lemons in Ancient Rome that they were sweetening the juice to drink.

I fear we shall never know just when or where lemonade was invented.

 

What it is.

The simplest lemonade is composed of  lemon juice, water and sugar. However some lemonade is mixed with other fruits or flavors.

 

How to ruin it.

While it may seem hard to ruin something that has been mixed with numerous other fruits and flavors, I still believe that we can do it. Let’s find out:

 

    Change the juice:

First off let’s simplify a bit. A lemon is a citrus fruit, therefore any citrus fruit can be substituted. Consider using grapefruit juice and calling it lemonade.

 

      Add to it:

Here is a list of other fruits that few (if any) people would ever think to add to lemonade:

  • Kiwi
  • Tomato (it’s really a fruit, go ahead and look it up)
  • Habanero (Peppers are fruits too…)
  • jalapeno
  • Cocona (look it up, it tastes like tomatoes and lemons all ready, or so it’s said)
  • Salak fruit (it’s also known as snake fruit… just telling people they are drinking snake fruit lemonade will ruin it!)

 

Non fruit additives:

Adding non-fruits to lemonade? Why not, it’ll help ruin it.

  • Bacon (Everyone is all ready adding bacon to everything else so why not?)
  • Horseradish
  • Soy sauce
  • Worcestershire sauce
  • Ketchup (It’ll add that longed for ‘pink’ color, more or less)
  • Mustard (Why not?)
  • Pickle relish
  • Hot sauce
  • Mango salsa (There’s no other use for it)
  • Melted butter
  • Onion juice
  • Puree salmon

That’s about all I can come up with tonight, but I’m sure that there are many more things we could add to lemonade to ruin it.

 

Catade

Yes, I’ve got a recipe for a drink for cats, you knew I would, right?

It’s very simple, in fact anyone can do it. It has two ingredients.

Water

Catnip

 

You can always surprise your cat by substituting chicken broth for the water.

 

Thanks for reading, I hope you’ve enjoyed these ideas on for to ruin lemonade.

I hope you’ll  join me again next week when I attempt to ruin another beloved food.
Please leave any comments, I’d love to hear your thoughts about ruining food, I’ll take suggestions for next weeks food as well

Tomorrow (Saturday, August 23rd) is the day we’ve all been waiting for!

It is finally here, the day we’ve been waiting for all year. It looks like nothing will stop tomorrow from arriving, no astroids threatening civilization (not that we’d really have to worry about those), no alien invasion (again, we know we wouldn’t have to worry about that either), not even any mad scientists trying to reverse the aging process.
Yes, it looks like well all be able to enjoy the first episode of the new season of Doctor Who tomorrow.

Soon we’ll see if the new Doctor, Peter Capaldi (number twelve or fourteen depending on how you count them,) can live up to the storied history of the Doctor.
We’ll also find out soon just how the continuity with previous seasons will be dealt with.

While many people may have read every rumor, every leak and even vague hints about the new season, I have read very little, only watching a few trailers.
Here are the main questions I have for tomorrow’s episode:

1. Will it take place right after what we saw on the Christmas special, or will it jump into the future, as the fiftieth anniversary episode did from the last episode of last season?
2. What kind of relationship will Capaldi’s Doctor have with his companion Clara?
3. What will the new TARDIS look like? It’s been remodeled from what’s said in one of the trailers.
4. What will the new Doctor’s catch phrase be? All I can assume is it’ll be something new that we haven’t heard before.

Thanks for reading, I hope you’re looking forward to the new episode tomorrow as much as I am.
I’ll leave you with one last word of advice: Run!

Random thoughts for August 21st

It’s time for another round of randomly selected thoughts from my mind… you’ve been warned.

The old saying is that ‘no news is good news’ so does that mean we should all stop watching or reading any news?

If you give a cat a a half cup of catnip, is there anything left in an hour?

It seems like the weather still can’t settle down and behave, or perhaps it’s the weather forecasters that can’t seem to get it right.

Everywhere you look there are political ads, it’s enough to make anyone wish that the Roman Empire hadn’t fallen… wouldn’t you rather deal with well built roads than political ads?

I find it amazing that the ancient Roman where able to build roads that are still around today, while we’re lucky if a new road lats ten years without needing a lot of repairs.

I’m really looking forward to the season premiere of Doctor Who this saturday, I’ve been eagerly waiting for months. I’m not yet sure how the new Doctor will stack up with the past few, but I’ve got high hopes.

Thanks for reading, I hope you found something interesting in this.

Jokes for August 20th

Tonight I’ve got several new jokes for you. They aren’t good jokes, but I think you might get a few laughs out of them. I hope you enjoy.

Whats

What’s the difference between a weather forecaster and a politician?

One talks about hot breezes, the other talks hot air.

What does a slow race car and a politician have in common?

They both go a mile a minute.

What do you can a fish that lives in the desert?

Sandy.

What sport is played in the kitchen?

Bowling

Whys

Why did the parrot quote Shakespear?

The real question is if the parrot was a bee or not a be.

Why did the baseball club fill it’s stands with blowers?

They needed more fans.

Why did the bookshelf keep losing it’s books?

The cat scared the Dickens out of it.

Joke
.

A gypsy, a beggar and a cleric walked past a bar.
“What a gip, they don’t serve werewolves,” the gypsy said in disgust as he glanced at a sign in the bar window.
“I beg to differ,” the beggar began but the cleric interrupted shouting “Holy flying androids!” as he ducked a smartphone.

That’s it for tonight. I hope at least one of these got you to chuckle.
Do you think these jokes stink? Are these gut busters? Let me know what you think! I’m always interested.
Thanks for reading!

Time flys…

Some days time flys, though I can’t say what kind of bird it flys like.
I suppose that it might fly more like an airplane, or a helicopter.
Tonight I’m asking your thoughts of this subject. How do you think time flys? Like an eagle, swift and gracefully.
Like a crow, jumping from place to place in search of food.
Like a jet? Like a bi-plane?
Slow and clumsy like a chicken?
Or is time more like a penguine? Flightless?

Let me know what you think.
Thanks for reading my rambling thought.