Jokes for July 30th

Thanks for joining me again this Wednesday evening. I’ve got a few jokes for you tonight, they might not be great jokes, but it think you’ll get a few chuckles from them.

what do…

What do you eat to lose weight on a beach?
Sea food (See food).

What do you get if a feline is offered food it doesn’t like?
A new can of food… Quickly!

What do you see in the middle of the sea?
Water.

What does a lion and a cactus have in common?
You don’t want to cross either one of them.

What do you call an old teak carving of Anne Boleyn?
An Anne-teak

Tonight’s odd joke

A dishonest politician decided he would do anything to get elected. He tried everything to raise his rating, finally he decided to risk everything and called a press conference in the fair grounds.
When the reporters arrived they saw the politician racing down the track, suddenly they saw that he was trying to pole vault. The politician smoothly sailed into the air, but instead of landing safely, he became tangled end in the pole. The headlines noted that the politician had vaulted to the top of the pole.

Finish the jokes

It’s back, my favorite feature of my joke post! It’s your turn to finish these jokes.Get your funny bone warmed up and get busy!

Why did the chicken buy a horse?

A bishop, a knight and a king climbed onto a pirate ship captained by Blue Beard himself. Blue Beard took one look at them and…

Cat jokes

What do you get if a cat bites you?

Cat nip!

Why did the cat cross the road?

To catch a chicken.

What does a cat call a shoe lace?

A toy.

A failed joke

Which president did a lot of laundry?

George Washington.

Thanks for reading, I hope you laughed at one of these jokes tonight.
Please let me know which jokes you prefered, I’m always interested in making my jokes better. I you hated a certain joke I’d be interested in knowing why as well.
Thanks again! I’ll have a new batch of jokes next Wendesday.

How to keep a cat amused

A cat is an unique creature, as such all cats need unique entertainment. Below you will find a few helpful hints to aid you in entertaining a a cat.

The lazy way:

A pool of catnip. If your cat likes catnip (what cat doesn’t?), a liberal amount of catnip will keep him or her entertained for hours.

The normal way:

A toy that you toss to your cat, he bats it around until he get bored and decides to take the toy to another room. The next step involves you running after the cat in a vain attempt to recover the toy. Don’t lose hope, you will get the toy back once your cat grows bored again.

A harder way:

Devise an elaborate maze to send a cat toy through, build it while your cat supervises and knocks things over. Don’t stop her, she’s having more fun than she will when the maze in complete.

The hard way:

Set fragile objects along various tables, sprinkle catnip around each object. Lure your cat near one of the objects with a toy, then sit back and watch as your cat enjoys tossing the objects off the tables.
Make sure you remove the broken objects before your cat plays with them again.

Thanks for reading. I’ll cover ways to play with two cats in a future post. Please feel free to share any ideas you have about keeping a cat entertained.

Wacky musings and logic for July 28th

Tonight I have some more wacky logic and thoughts for you. Let’s begin with wacky musings

Wacky musings

You hear people say that something drives them batty, what f a cat drives someone crazy? Would they be driven catty?

If you tap dance in a bar, are you dancing on a beer tap?

If you are washing your clothes and your house burns down, would you tell people you lost your shirt?

Wacky Logic

A car is an automobile.

A tune is a song.

Therefore a Cartoon is a singing car.

Thanks for reading, I hope you got a chuckle from these!
Fell free to comment.

How to ruin any food: Ice Cream Cones

Tonight we’re looking at ice Cream Cones and how to ruin them. This is strictly ice cream cones tonight, not floats or sundaes… we did those in previous posts.

Before we begin, I want to offer these normal words of warning:

 

WARNING: DO NOW READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY FOOD!

The rest of this post is designed to be humorous and is not intended to be taken seriously. Any attempt to ingest the substance described in the following paragraphs is not suggested and should be avoided. You’ve been warned.

 

History of tonight’s food:

 

The origins of ice cream cones are almost as confusing as most of the foods I’ve looked at over the past few months, of course.

Depending on the source, you can find claims about cones being used for ice cream as far back as the 1770s… though I really doubt George Washington had an ice cream cone before each battle.

In the U.S. we can credit the 1904 world fair in St. Louis for introducing us to the ice cream cone, though the story of how it was invented at the worlds fair can vary a bit from source to source. Suffice to say a waffle was rolled into a cone and paired with a scoop of ice cream, an act that spawned a new delicacy.

 

The most complete site I’ve found regarding the history of ice cream cones is:

http://whatscookingamerica.net/History/IceCream/IceCreamCone.htm

Another interesting site is: http://www.ideafinder.com/history/inventions/icecreamcone.htm

 

What it is:

 

An ice cream cone is simply a pastry in a cone shape, be it a traditional waffle cone or any other kind of cone you can think of.

 

Ways to ruin it:

 

At first glance you might think that it would be hard to ruin an ice cream cone, but with just a bit of ingenuity it’s not hard at all.

Here are a few funny ways to begin:

 

Put the ice cream under the cone.

Hold the cone on your nose while you get a scoop of ice cream.

Toss the cone to someone else just after you drizzle chocolate syrup on top.

 

Now let’s get serious and really start ruining ice cream cones!

 

    Full replacements:

 

Replace  the cone with a paper mache cone, it’s a good source of fiber.

 

Use a taco shell instead.

 

Take your favorite pasta, cook it and form the limp noodles into a cone shape, let it dry and serve with a scoop of tomato ice cream in it.

 

Deep fry a tortilla and fill it with jalapeno ice cream or sour cream, place pickled jalapenos on top.

 


Toppings:

 

Hot sauce

Mustard

Ketchup

Sweet and sour sauce.

Jalapeno fudge.

 

That’s about all the ideas I have tonight on how to ruin an ice cream cone, however I have two cones that any cat will enjoy:

 

Vanilla ice cream, sprinkle with catnip and place an anchovy under the ice cream. Any cat would love this cone.

 

Another cone for a cat would be to make the cone with catnip added, catnip ice cream and top with a sprinkle of catnip. Serve cold and watch out, your cat will be ready to think a speck of lint is an army of mice for it to defeat.

 

I hope you’ve enjoyed this post, I enjoyed writing it. I hope that you won’t try any of these, though I think all the flavors I have listed could be created with a little work.

I hope you’ll join me again next week, when another unsuspecting food will face ruination.

Thanks for reading and feel free to comment.

 

 

Baking with cats

First off, this post is about baking with cats that are curious about what you’re doing. I just wanted to clear up any confusion a normal person wouldn’t have had.

So you want to bake with cats in your home. It’s not hard, you just have to factor in a few delays.
Let’s take brownies as an example:

Without cats a batch of brownies takes about ten to fifteen minutes to whip up before putting them in the oven, with cats… well… let’s break it down a bit first:

Measure out butter, let cat(s) test it for freshness: Ten minutes.

Measure out cocoa power with cat(s) wrapping around your legs, spill nearly as much as you need: 10 minutes.

Chase down cat(s) and dust off cocoa powder they rolled in: 25 minutes.

Measure out flour: 1 minute.
Hide your laughter as your black cat turns white with flour: 5 minutes.
Clean off cat: 20 minutes.
Clean and bandage claw marks: 10 minutes.

Grease pan with butter: 2 minutes.
Keep cat away from pan while you pour in batter: 5 minutes.

Not listed in the above break down is the amount of time you will spend letting your cat(s) lick butter off your fingers.
As you can see, it does take a bit longer to back with a cat in the house, however the benefits vastly outweigh the extra time you will spend.

Thanks for reading, I hope you got a chuckle or two!
Feel free to comment with your experiences baking with cats!

Jokes for July 23rd

Thanks for joining me on this fine Wednesday night, I’ve got a few new joke and a few old jokes. I hope you enjoy.

What kind of music do cats like?
String music.

What happens if a cat gets into a vat of butter while being chased by a dog?
It gives the dog the slip.

A billionaire was traveling with his dog, an official stopped him and demanded to know if his dog had papers, the billionaire replied “Papers? Who has papers these days? I’ll have you know my dog owns three news channels!”

It was the fight of the century, triple layer chocolate cake vs Gelato. They were evenly match through the first five rounds, in the sixth round it looked like the cake had finally found Gelato’s weakness, but Gelato fought bravely on. In the seventh round Gelato managed win win the match on a TKO. When asked later how it had won, it replied “Ice creamed it.”

A chicken was the only survivor of a shipwreck, it finally makes it to an island. Deciding to search the isle for signs of life, the chicken walked from one end of the isle to the other and back again. When it returned to where it started it hadn’t found a single sign of life, but suddenly a native leaped out of the bushes and exclaimed in perfect English “Here’s the double crosser!”

An amazed traveler visited a zoo with a large storeroom of musical insterments. When he asked who played them, the zoo keeper explained that the animals played them. “The reptiles are only good at playing scales, elephants love the trumpets… The Avians aren’t that good, their playing is for birds, but the cats play most of the rest pretty good.”
The amazed traveler asked how the cats were better, to which the zoo keeper said, “All cats love any kind of strings.”

Thanks for reading, I hope you’ve enjoyed these jokes!
I’ll try to make next weeks all new jokes.

Which is worse?

Tonight we’re looking at which is worse:

Extremely hot weather or a crazy cat?

Six feet of snow or a crazy cat?

An annoyingly loud bird outside your window or an annoyed cat?

A horrible baseball team* or two cats plotting to drive you insane?

A near home run that’s caught or a cat leaping at an imaginary fly on your head?

Stale potato chips or a cat who thinks your feet are toys?

A dead pen or a cat trying to play with the pen in your hand?

Thanks for reading! I hope you got a chuckle out of these.

*you know who you are, Rockies!

Random thoughts about cats for July 21

Cats, sweet lovable cats. Cats are the most incredible creatures in the world, but you likely knew that already, they’re also the most frustrating creatures in the world, but you know that already.

Cats play hard… If you can call it playing that is…

Even as the mysterious creatures can seem to be in a fight to the death, you glance the them and they look at you, it’s that moment you realize they are merely playing… Or insane.

Cats can see wonder in everyday objects. A simple door can become a toy two of them can play with.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if a cat is just exhausted or hurt with how they play.

Even with all the hardships of being around cat, a little bit of catnip will soon ease the way.

Thanks for reading!

HoW to ruin any food: A look at food names

Tonight I thought I’d try something a bit different. Instead of looking at different ways to ruin a food, I thought I’d high light a few foods that come pre-ruined.

While this list may be slightly controversial, I feel that it’s mostly true.

A list is the best way to get started, so…

 

  • Rutabaga: Do you really want to ruta a bega?
  • Turnips: Turn nips, something that nips as you turn?
  • Brussels sprouts: A sprouted city?
  • Cauliflower: California flowers?
  • Lima beans: Beans from Lima? Really? Couldn’t you be a bit more globally accepting? Are beans from Lima really that much better? What if you grow them in Texas?
  • Field corn: Doesn’t all corn grow in fields? This just happens to be nearly inedible.

 

What about foods and drinks that are named funny?

  • Walnuts: Nuts that grow on walls? Or nuts from Walmart? Either way…
  • Gin: Are you drinking or playing cards?
  • Bamboo shoots: Do you really want to mess with food that packs heat?
  • Coleslaw: Slaw made from coal? Or is it coal from Slovakia?
  • Mac and cheese: Don’t you think Mac’s a little annoyed about being covered in cheese? Isn’t he a truck driver too?
  • Bloody Mary’s: Are you a cannibal or something?
  • Blackened anything: Blackened? I thought it was burnt.
  • Kumquat: Isn’t that a kind of exercise?
  • Wine: Yes, wine. I know what you’re thinking -Why would anyone complain about wine?  Wine’s great, you say, I’m crazy you say. Well, let’s quit whining about wine, okay?
  • Brandy: Is it a drink or another cannibal thing?
  • Sloppy Joes: Are you describing a food or poor table manners?
  • Hot dogs: Don’t leave them in a car, just give them some water a shade… hmm? It’s not a pet? Oh…
  • Corn Dogs: What, couldn’t you find a German shepherd to watch your corn?
  • Nacho tortilla chips: You use tortilla chips to make nachos, not the other way around.

Pastas are just as bad…

  • Vermicelli: I’d rather have them in my garden.
  • Linguine: Little tongues? More cannibals!
  • Penne: I’d be using one now if I didn’t have my keyboard.
  • Orecchiette: Little ears? Is everyone a cannibal now?

 

While I could go one for quite a while, I think this is enough for tonight.

Thanks for reading and eat well… only hopefully not like a cannibal even though so much food sounds like it is.

Next week we’ll return to our normal ruining of food.

Feel free to comment.

Cook like a cat

Tonight I’ll show you how to cook like a cat would.

Salad

Everyone loves a salad, even cats. A salad composed of wheat grass and catnip with an egg dressing is superb.

Another option is a fruit salad with whipped cream. A cat friendly option is to exclude the fruit.

Main course

The one thing every meal would be incomplete without is gravy. Every cat loves gravy… come to think of it, so do most humans.

Tuna is another option for picky cats. Most other kinds of fish are also acceptable… only no catfish please.

Cats are carnivorous, its a fact. They enjoy any kind of meat. Don’t think that cats dislike big game… a buffalo is fair game if you have enough large cats.

Desserts

No meal is complete without dessert. Dessert is one meal that is extraordinarily simple for cats: Catnip ice cream.
If you cannot find catnip flavored ice cream, simply take vanilla ice cream and sprinkle catnip liberally on top.
Some cats will accept plain vanilla ice cream as well.

Thanks for reading, I hope you’ve enjoyed this.
Feel free to comment.