Tonight I’m going to show you how to ruin your end of summer meal. Even though I dislike the idea of people calling this weekend the end of summer, I’m going to show you the best way to ruin such a meal. As a side thought, those in the southern hemisphere who are just about to begin their summer can use this same meal to get their summer off to a ruined start.
Shall we begin?
Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:
WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.
The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.
Order of meal
The first thing we need to do is set the order of the meal.
You normally begin your meal in this order:
- Main course
However if you really want to ruin it, try something like this:
- Main course
This has the benefit of confusing your taste buds. Having a beverage right after desert is part of ruining the meal, as you are expecting something really sweet and instead you get a sour drink, which in turn ruins the main course even more than we normally do.
We have several choices for a salad. We can use a normal salad with either of these dressings:
To a bowl of mayonnaise, add a can of root beer, a bottle of ketchup, pepper to taste, Limburger cheese, a cup of vinegar, two table spoons of olive oil, a potato (mashed), an anchovies and half an onion.
Orange juice, apple juice, onion juice and tomato juice mixed with a jar of strawberry jam ( this dressing will most likely be banned in most states).
Next we should give everyone a change to have coleslaw instead, I suggest this recipe:
Make a sauce base with cottage cheese and anchovies.
Add the following seasonings to taste:
Mix kale, onions and potato with the sauce and add a half cup of cabbage.
Now we have the salad done and can move on.
As it is an end of summer meal, we have to have ice cream.
For those who want a simple bowl of ice cream, I suggest an avocado bacon ice cream with raspberry sauce on top.
Ice cream sandwiches are another mus for the end of summer. Here is a recipe that I recommend, feel free to make any additions you wish.
Make fresh bread, add blue or green food coloring. Even better is to separate your dough into two, add green food coloring to one and blue to the other. Form your doughs into one loaf, slightly mixing the two doughs together to make it one while keeping the colors mostly separate.
When your bread is baked, the finished product should resemble molded bread.
Slice your bread when its cool. Fill it with this simple Neapolitan ice cream:
Tomato in replace of the Strawberry, Oyster sauce for the Chocolate and Vodka instead of Vanilla.
Now I’m sure that you might have to humor someone who doesn’t find either of those two ice cream options tasty. For them you can make either of the following ice cream sundaes:
Replace the vanilla ice cream with avocado ice cream, cover in hot sauce and serve a mango on top.
Use tomato ice cream, spaghetti sauce and a meatball replaces the cherry.
Can there be any beverage that says summer like Lemonade? Serve this lemonade after your dessert:
Grapefruit juice, tomato, onion juice and hot sauce. Mix well and serve with salmon ice cubes.
Now we come to the main course, the piece de resistance so to speak.
Fried chicken is always a good place to start. Add these seasonings to your batter or flour:
After your chicken is fried, have any of these sauces ready to dip it into:
Sweet and sour sauce
Next you’ll want your hot dogs ready. Use the same recipe you used for the ice cream sandwiches bread for your buns. Use the following toppings:
Many people like chili on their hotdogs, make a batch of chili with chocolate chips instead of beans, season it with cinnamon instead of peppers and add anchovies to it.
Chocolate syrup: thick and tasty, but not a normal topping for a hotdog.
Replace onions with chopped pineapple.
Butterscotch: everyone loves butterscotch, right?
No summer cookout is complete without the burgers. Use the same buns as above, only round.
For your burger:
Cook a patty, carefully slice it in two, hollow out the center and place a juicy beet slice inside, seal it back up with cheese and watch as your ‘guest’ bites into it. This should satisfy anyone who wants a ‘rare’ burger.
Grind anchovies, rutabaga and parsnips together, mix with your normal patty mix and see what you come up with.
Season your patty mix with soy sauce, salsa, Worcestershire sauce and Parmesan cheese. Serve smothered in ketchup and barbecue sauce.
Now create a ‘healthy’ burger by placing a normal patty between two thick slices of pumpkin with guacamole on top, serve with a tub of melted butter.
Last but not least, no matter what you serve, you’re going to need a side dish, which has to be french fries, nothing else can go with everything else. Luckily I’ve got you covered. Try these on for size again:
Instead of salt consider coating them in:
Instead of ketchup, try these:
Tomato puree without any seasonings.
Sweet and sour sauce.
There you have it, the perfect way to ruin an end of summer cookout. I hope you enjoyed this post and I thank you for joining me again this Saturday night.
Join me again next week when I return to ruining a single food.
Please leave any comments, I’d love to hear your thoughts about ruining food, I’ll take suggestions for next weeks food as well.