How the U.S government could change its image

Many people have discussed how the U.S government can restore its image, I’m going a step further, here’s a few ideas how they can become a interesting entity that everyone in the world wants to watch (in a good way).

Use it’s hackers to find and patch all holes in Windows XP and release them to the public (this also would allow them to spy on everyone using XP).

Use it’s drones to do instant replay for MLB, it could spell savings at the ticket window. If it works well it could be expanded to the NFL as well.

Spy on the spies spying on the spies who are spying on the spies that spy on the first spies.

Use the NSA to learn how the tax code works by spying on the IRS (this would takes years).

Change the names of departments to something more fun (eg: NSA becomes National Agency Securing Things Secret, or N.A.S.T.Y. The CIA could be called Spies R Us.)

Make all IRS workers dress as vampires year round (since they suck the life out of tax payers.)

Make all CIA agents were trench coats and dark glasses, also supply them with exploding pens and other spy gadgets.

Make all U.S. Ambassadors talk like human beings, if that’s too hard, at least have them greet every person they meet with ‘live long and prosper’ (that alone would make a lot of fans).

Rename all military branches, instead of an army, call it them minutemen (in reference the the revolution) the navy could become sea pirates and the air force would be jet setters.

Thanks for reading, I hope you got a chuckle or two. Feel free to comment below.

Random thought for April 14th

What this world needs is people who say what they mean and don’t decide to say the opposite a minute later.
This problem is wide spread, much wider than most people realize. For instance, have you listened to weather forecasters? I’ve heard them a few days ago say that the snow I here in Denver wouldn’t stick to the pavement or sidewalks and ten seconds later he said to be careful shoveling it… If that isn’t confusing I don’t know what is.
Then you have people saying that something can be done one day, the next they say it can’t be done, the thing is nothing has changed.
I truly believe that this world would be a nicer place if everyone said what they meant the first time around.

Thanks for reading, I apologize for complaining, tomorrow we’ll return to normal blogging, we’ll have humor, or something about the NSA, or maybe both.

How to ruin any meal: Desserts

This month we’re looking at how to ruin any meal. I am referring to cooking any meal, what you do after cooking a meal to enjoy or ruin it is entirely up to you. Tonight we’re looking at desserts, those wonderful things that finish up a meal and is remembered longer than the meal itself.

Before we begin, I feel compelled to offer these words once more:

 

WARNING: DO NOW READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY FOOD!

The rest of this post is designed to be humorous and is not intended to be taken seriously. Any attempt to ingest the substance described in the following paragraphs is not suggested and should be avoided. You’ve been warned.

 

Just like meals, desserts are subjective, what I think ruins it other might think sounds wonderful and vise versa.

Desserts can be made with nearly anything, a simple piece of fruit with sugar, cream or honey can be called dessert, conversely a dessert can take hours to make, it could consist of layers of cake with ice cream between and frosting on top for instance, you can go overboard making caramel sauce and shaping chocolate into elaborate shapes if you so desire, there really isn’t any right or wrong way to create a desert… until this post anyway.

Now that I’ve explained what everyone all ready knew, I can get down to the good stuff!

 

We’re going to look at several desserts we can ruin tonight, from the simple to the complex, we’re not leaving anything to chance, in fact I’ve got so many ideas I might need a second post!

 

First, we should the simple dessert to ruin, such as a simple piece of fruit with honey or sugar. At first glance this should be too simple to ruin, but all we need to do is to expand our view slightly, that and remember that a lot of things we normally think of as vegetables are technically fruits. Take the tomato for example, it’s a fruit because of how it grows, if we simply cover a sliced tomato with honey, we’ve created something marginally disgusting, but we’re not going to stop there!

Get small cherry tomatoes, if anyone ask what’s for dessert (as someone undoubtedly will), tell them cherry love apples (love apple being another name for tomatoes, the origin of which is in some disagreement), this will get everyone thinking of something sweet. Next we’re going to create a creamy sauce for over the tomatoes, it should resemble whipped cream, but it should have a tart taste, such a dessert will be considered ruined by anyone.

 

If you want to create a fancier dessert, make tomato ice cream (recipes are widely available), next make yourself some raspberry syrup, some butterscotch topping and a fudge topping, make sure everyone gets equal amounts of these toppings on their ice cream, the blend of flavors should turn the strongest stomachs, also this will be a dessert sweeping the nation within weeks of being discovered by famous chefs, when used in conjunction with last weeks recipes it should cement your position as a world-class chef with a TV show.

 

Now we come to the best ruining of a dessert in tonight’s post, brownies. Brownies are one of the best desserts in existence, but they are far from foolproof or ruination proof.

First off we want to reduce the sugar to practically none, replace it and most of the butter with pineapple. Instead of chocolate, use instant coffee. use ground peas instead of flour, add a cup of raisins  and a few unshelled peanuts for fiber. A pinch of baking powder and two slightly scrambled eggs mixed in will complete your brownie batter. Bake for an hour or until it starts to burn, you want a nice blackened crust on the bottom.

One word of warning, there is undoubtedly at least one person with odd enough taste buds that will just love these brownies, don’t pay them any attention,, but if you can get them to plug these brownies to a cable channel, you stand a good chance to becoming a dessert chef in a restaurant with your own show.

 

One more quick way to ruin any dessert, add bacon to it without changing anything.

 

I hope you’ve enjoyed this post, I hope you got a laugh or two…  I also hope you don’t try any of these ‘recipes’.  I hope that you’ll join me again next week, when we try to ruin pizzas and perhaps something else!

Feel free to comment.

How to destroy a classic movie: Singin’ in the Rain

It’s Friday night and time to ruin another classic movie!
Tonight’s going to be a bit of a challange, as it’s the first musical that I’ve tried to destroy. Now before I begin, I’ll admit that I’ve always enjoyed Singin’ in the Rain, mostly because it’s a look at the early movie industry as it changed from silent movies to talkies.

The plot:

A famous actor in silent movies struggles to adjust to to the new talking movies, along with his long time costar, a famous actress who has the most annoying voice in the world, but who finds her career in jeopardy because of her voice.
In waltzes a young woman who steals the spotlight, the famous actor’s heart and annoys the famous actress by throwing a cream pie in her face.
The young woman, now an aspiring actress, agrees to lend her voice to a movie to save the famous actors career, but chaos ensues when the famous actress finds out and decides to ruin the aspiring actress’s career.
You can, of course, read the full plot line on the Wikipedia page here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Singin%27_in_the_Rain

Now we’ve got a lot of work to update and ruin this movie, so let’s get to it.
We’ve got to update the title, update the plot, set it in a new location and create new tensions, also we’ll work in some musical numbers.
The title isn’t to hard, we want to make it clear that it’s a remake, so it’ll remain four words long and the words must sound similar, so let’s break it down word for word. We’ll change Singin’ to Dancin’, in to on, the remains and Rain becomes Snow, now we’ve got Dancin’ on the Snow, it’s a great title, it suggests comedy, references the original, and gives us enough leeway that we can do nearly anything.

Let’s set our remake in Australia, why, you ask? Because you don’t see movies set in Australia from Hollywood, plus even though they get snow there, most people likely don’t know that (I had too look it up, I admit it).

Now that we’ve got a title and a setting, we move onto plot.
We’ll set it in the near future, when smell-o-vision has been invented. As all actors and actresses struggle to adjust, limiting their perfume and cologne, one actress refuses, instead using enough perfume to know an elephant out. An actor who owes his career to said actress, finds himself adapting to the new format easily, though he knows the actress will be the doom of his career by proxy.
Meanwhile, an aspiring actress is making waves, launches her own brand of perfume formulated for smell-o-vision and becomes a force to be reckoned with.
All three meet, the aspiring actress spritzs the famous actress in anger while singing, endears herself to the actor.
The actor, now hopelessly in love, blackmails his boss into using the aspiring actress’s smell instead the the famous actress’s, thus saving his career and spring boarding the aspiring actress to stardom.
Everything goes fine, until the famous actress uncovers the plot and decides to do her own blackmail, stealing passwords for social media sites and posting how pleased the studio was with her perfume, calling herself the best smelling actress in all of Australia, ect.
Finally the truth comes out in an autograph session, where numerous fans ask if she nearly drowned in an accident at the perfume factory.
Then we see the aspiring actress (who’s now famous) and the actor looking at a billboard advertising there latest show ‘Roses are Sweet’ on a hilltop.

Now for the musical numbers.
We’ve got lots of places we can put in song and dance numbers, we’ll need several smell related songs, at least on dance scene at the perfume factory where the aspiring actress dances between mounds of flowers while singing about them.
We may as we’ll make use of the humor in the idea by having a song about Limburger. While we’re doing humor, we can add a song about smelly feet for laughs.
One song could be called ‘Success is sweet’ or ‘Nothing smells better than success’. We could also have ‘Stinky boots’, ‘Perfumed Skunk’ and ‘Clear the Air’.

I truly believe that this movie might have been produced in the golden age of musicals, I don’t think that it could be made today, mostly because we don’t have the talent anymore, we don’t have character actors anymore, or at least not enough to make a great movie.

I hope that you’ve enjoyed destroying a musical for a change, I know I did.
Please let me know what you think about tonight’s effort to destroy a classic movie, I’d enjoy hearing what you thought.
Thanks for reading!

Jokes for April 9th

Tonight we’ve got jokes for the technically inclined, though I hope everyone can enjoy these.

What is a computer’s favorite zombie show?
The walking XP.

What do Apple’s mobile devices have to display before they are ready shipping?
iOS, therefore I am.

What brand of tech devices won’t doctors use?
Apple, you know what they say everyday about apples and doctors…

A laptop and a printer walk into a bar, they quickly leave because they couldn’t find a driver.

A computer suddenly realized how to use a mouse, the explanation? It just clicked.

Did you know that computers, tablets and smartphones are all picky about who uses them?
They all screen their users.

How do computers eat?
They take a byte and nibble*.

Did you hear about the idiot who became a spy? The first thing he did after being issued a computer was to download some spyware.

Thanks for reading, I hope you had a chuckle. Feel free to comment below.

*a nibble is half a byte, it’s an old tech term that’s not used anymore.

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Is the Zombie Apocalypse upon us?

Is today the day that we’re overwhelmed by zombies?
As you no doubt have heard by now, Microsoft has declared Windows XP dead, however millions of computers will continue running it (including mine). Since these computers have been declared dead, but are still running, wouldn’t you agree that they are ‘undead’?
In the coming days I expect to see hordes of Windows XP computers shambling down the streets, printing demands for CPUs as they do.
This brings up an interesting question, how do you kill a zombie computer? Can you shoot it? I’m sure a lot of people have wanted to do that anyway over the years. I’m forced to assume that a more drastic step might be needed, such as brandishing a CD with Linux on it in front of the zombies webcam… Wait a minute, that would be for a computer vampire, wouldn’t it?
We’re all doomed, vampire computers are going to be sucking the bytes out of our computing devices! All computers will soon be running Windows XP as they become infected.

While I write this tune in cheek, I’m still going to keep my iPad within arms reach… Just in case. Now where did I leave that silver mouse pad?

Thanks for reading, feel free to comment below.

R.I.P Micky Rooney

The great actor Mickey Rooney has died.
One of the best actors ever, Mickey Rooney will always be remembered for staring in several movies with Judy Garland, along with playing Andy Hardy.
He was an actor who had so many wonderful roles that it is hard to select one role to call his best, though many point to Andy Hardy as his best remembered role.
From Shakespeare’s Puck to a criminal mastermind (well kind of), a jockey and horse trainer, he could play any role and play it well.
Mickey Rooney truly was an actor like no other and will be missed.

My 200th post!

This is my 200th post on my blog.
I wish I had something interesting to write about 200, but I don’t, it’s just another post for all intents.
If I had thought about this post in advance, I could have 200 jokes, or 200 movies to watch, but I didn’t, those will have to wait until my 300th post.
I only have one thing I can mention, my last 199 posts plus this one are the best on my blog, I heartily suggest that you read each one 200 times… Unless you’ve got something better to do, in which case just read them once.
In all seriousness, I want to thank all of my readers or reading my blog and I hope to write a better post for my 300th post.

Thanks again for evading my blog.

How to ruin any meal

This month we’ll be looking at how to ruin any meal. I am referring to cooking any meal, what you do after cooking a meal to enjoy or ruin it is entirely up to you.

Before we begin, I feel compelled to offer these words:

 

WARNING: DO NOW READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY FOOD!

The rest of this post is designed to be humorous and is not intended to be taken seriously. Any attempt to ingest the substance described in the following paragraphs is not suggested and should be avoided. You’ve been warned.

 

If you are still reading, let’s get going.

The first thing you should know about ruining food is that it is subjective, what I think ruins a meal might be what you think makes that meal, I won’t say that you’re wrong (but I can think it).

 

Tonight let’s cover the basics steps of taking a favorite meal and changing it so much that it’s unrecognizable.

Let’s take Chili for an example. It’s a simple dish, but there are almost unlimited whats to ruin it, you can find many recipes online that focus of ruining it, however those recipes will say that they are the best chili in the world, this is an out right lie, it’s only in there because the ‘chef’ who created it thinks that if they make a wonderful dish so disgusting that no one will ever eat it, they will win a cooking show and become famous over night.

The base of chili is meat and beans. Peppers and other seasonings to flavor it and make it spicy.

To ruin it we eliminate all of those, or at least seriously reduce or change them. Pinto beans are the best beans for chili, so if you wish to destroy the dish, use white and navy beans instead.

Instead of ground beef, use bacon and salmon. Using these makes it ‘trendy’ and adds flavors that are nearly guaranteed to disgust anyone when mixed with the following ingredients.

Next is the tomatoes in the chili, we can’t eliminate them, so we’ll do the next best thing and substitute ketchup instead, make sure it’s a sickening sweet ketchup as well.

Add rice, corn and ravioli, throw in some eggplant, avocados and cabbage, season with celery, basil and sage.

Instead of using peppers to make it spicy, add soy sauce and honey to give it an ‘unique’ ‘fusion’ flavor.

Now you’ve created something that doesn’t even resemble chili and is nearly inedible, tout it as healthy and trendy and you’ll be a wealthy chef in a few weeks with your own cooking show, wonder knife and cookware.

next week we will skip to dessert.

 

I thank those few who read this far, I don’t blame those who didn’t. I hope you got a tiny chuckle out of this.

Feel free to comment, I’d like to know if you think I should continue this series of how to posts.

How to destroy a classic movie: His girl Friday

Tonight we’re going to attempt to destroy the great classic His Girl Friday. This is a difficult movie to destroy, mostly because newspapers are disappearing and also the fact that what newspapers are still around don’t do there own reporting on major news stories.

First off we’ll take a look at the plot:
Cary Grant plays the editor of a newspaper, his wife divorced him, but returned to the newspaper office to gloat that she was getting married again to someone with no connection to the newspaper industry.
However Cary Grant’s character has other plans, he involves his ex wife in a wacky adventure to get a convicted murderer a reprieve from his execution the next morning with the promise to buy insurance from the ex wife’s fiancé.
The murderer makes a daring escape during a final mental exam, touching off a wacky ending.

You can read a more detailed plot outline on Wikipedia here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/His_Girl_Friday

Now our first order of business it to update the title, a few simple tweaks should suffice, let’s try, His Gal Sunday.
Next the location, we’re obviously not going to use any city you’d expect, while we’re at it, let’s set it in space, if we put it on a space station orbiting Jupiter, we also get a reason that old fashioned journalism is around.
Now we’re ready to get started:

We’ll keep the ex wife angle, only we’ll make the fiancé a smuggler, to make it even more interesting, let’s make salsa illegal, it’s smuggled onto the station and sold for a thousand bucks a jar.
The editor of our newspaper agrees to buy a thousand jars if his ex wife will do one last story, a story on the only survivor of a starship that he was accused of destroying, he admits guilt, only our editor believes he’s innocent, a victim of mental unease.
The ex wife convinces the convict that it was his addiction to salsa that caused the disaster.
The convict escapes, using the commodores ray gun to blast his way to freedom, the commodore denies that it was his ray gun.
Chaos should ensue, shootouts that get no where, then the convict is discovered hiding in his own cell.

Now we come to the end of the movie, I don’t have a good ending… Other than the original one, so we’ll just do what any good director would do, we’ll ensure that special effects can be used to an extreme unheard of before, imagine this:

During the final show down, a meteor storm hits the station, explosions wrack the station as they impact, then the nuclear reactor is compromised.
Alarms blare, red lights flash, fires breach out everywhere, people run fleeing through corridors that are engulfed in flames.
Even as the explosions and fires rage, the stand off continues, the foolish commodore declares that he’ll kill the convict if it’s the last thing he does, those are of course the commodore’s last words, he’s hit by a meteor right after he utters those words.
The station breach apart in a gigantic explosion and the screen goes black.

I think that we managed to ruin a great movie tonight, I hope you enjoyed the ride! Feel free to comment if you’d like.