Tonight I must warn all of you about a recent revelation I’ve had. There is a dark secret linking the CIA, NSA, FBI and Cats!
We already know that the CIA, NSA, FBI are acronyms, but there is a much more sinister thing hidden in those acronyms. First of all, CIA has a second meaning: Cat Information Agency. Yes, I’ve come to realize that Cats are in complete control of the government intelligence agencies.
If you take the ‘C’ in CIA, the ‘S’ in NSA and the ‘I’ in FBI, you get ‘CSI’, only this CSI doesn’t mean anything about crime scenes, instead it stands for ‘Cat Society of Information’, a super secret division of the Cat Counsel that oversees the way the world is run by us humans.
This society is mainly concerned with creating bad jokes, such as “Two flowers are in a bar, having a drink, the only turns to the other (which is a rose) and asked, ‘You got a light, bud?'” in an attempt to create confusion, lower the collective intelligence and generally make us better servants.
I believe that most, if not all, cats are part of the CSI, or at least report to it, informing their leaders if we’re not supplying enough catnip and treats. If we’re found lacking, a squad of black cats are sent to scare us back in line, our own superstitious fear of black cats being enough to make the majority of humans toe the line, abet unconsciously.
Seeing that I was smarter than the average human, the cat who confides in me admitted that my fears were correct, but she laughed as she told me that there wasn’t anything I could do to change things. She also explained that the CSI was more than capable of forcing humankind to bow to their wished, like they had once done in ancient Egypt.
Even if there is no hope for humans to rule ourselves, I have come up with a five point plan to gain us some measure of autonomy:
- Keep plenty of catnip on hand for any and all cats.
- Give your cat enough treats to keep her stated and happy.
- Scratch your cats ears well, if they love it, they won’t complain about you.
- Only give cats the best treats, catnip and cream, they will appreciate feeling like royalty.
- Pet cats often, the more attention we give them, the less they’ll give the CSI.
With your help, I believe that we can keep the CSI out of our lives.
By the way, be careful with your passwords, if your cat gets them, you never know when you’ll start blogging about how great a certain kind of catnip is.
Thanks for reading and please feel free to comment.