As Thanksgiving day is upon us once more, I thought that I’d share the true history of the occasion (note, I apologize to anyone who might get upset at the following lines).
There are several places where I could start, however, as I don’t wish to waste time doing research, I’ll begin at the beginning.
The pilgrims came to these shores not to escape religious persecution, but for the rumored bargains. They had been told of stores that never closed and where nothing was back ordered… However, when confronted by the harsh reality that they were several centuries early, they realized that they had gotten more than they had bargained for.
When in the course of human events, in 1776, the Brittish declared that all stores be closed on the last Friday of November, George Washington gathered up his band of brave bargain hunters (who thought nothing of facing down natives on the warpath just to save two pence on the latest toy) and declared that these united colonies were free and independent states that could have businesses open whenever they wanted to.
After the Brittish discovered that we had better sales on red coats than anywhere else in the world, they quickly signed trade agreements over turkey sandwiches. George Washington declared the following day a day of thanksgiving and bargain hunting.
Benjamin Franklin tried to coner the market in eagles, thinking to make a fortune selling them for food, suggestion that the turkey be made the national bird. He suffered a major financial setback until he managed to turn him farm into a turkey farm.
The next major event that helped established Thanksgiving day was the War of 1812, when the Brittish considered changing their uniforms from red to teal. That war lasted until an enterprising tailor from Ohio made a deal to supply the Brittish with an extra ten percent off all uniforms purchased on the last Friday in November.
In 1860, rival traders, one from the northern states and one from the southern states were fighting to get a contract away from the other to supply a small fort called Sumpter. The two traders ended up ending fire on one another, an act the brought the northern states into battle with the southern states, it started a war that lasted for several years.
During that war, several notable things happened, all but one of which is outside the scope of this post. The one thing worth mentioning is the great speech at Gettysburg by Abraham Lincoln, where he called for lower prices and longer shopping hours at the local mall, which he also tried to get funding to invent.
After the war was over, president Lincoln declared the last Thursday in November a day of thanksgiving… And a night of shopping. Unfortunately, Mr Lincoln was shot and killed while attending the Ford Bargan bonanza.
During the past century, people began enjoying a day off with their family, fortunately things have been changing lately and we’re going back to being a people dedicated to shopping and getting the best bargains on items we would never buy otherwise.
Now we are lucky enough to have businesses opening up early Thanksgiving morning, with frozen dinners, no one has to waste time fixing an elaborate meal, or even eating such a meal. A few minutes in front of a microwave followed by a few more minutes in front of a tv watching football are all that are needed before people can head out (or back out) to spend money on bargains.
It’s a great time we live in, where people can spend a holiday shopping instead of being forced to spend time with family.
Happy Thanksgiving! Here’s to the bargain!