How to destroy a classic movie: A Guy Named Joe

It’s Friday night and time to destroy another classic movie by imagining how Hollywood might remake it. I truly believe I’ve got a winner here tonight, it could easily be a blockbuster remake!
It’s got everything you need, romance, death, war and enough science fiction to make anyone happy. Without further ado, let’s get to it!

First a brief synopsis of the movie:
A guy named Joe.
In the original version, we have a guy named Pete, a guy named Ted and a woman named Dorinda, I don’t think there is really a guy named Joe in the movie, but that’s besides the point.
Dorinda is Basically engaged to Pete, but it’s during WWII and Pete gets shot down and killed, Dorinda tries to go on with her life.
Pete gets sent back to Earth to watch over Ted, helping him learn how to fly and so forth, it’s going all right until Ted meets Dorinda and sparks fly, Pete’s not happy, but as he’s dead there’s not much he can do about it.
Dorinda steals Ted’s plane after he’s assigned a dangerous mission, Pete ends up helping her fly the mission, after which Dorinda returns to Ted and Pete leaves.

You can read more on the Wikipedia page :

I think we can make the movie much better.

First let’s reverse the gender roles and give the movie a new name: A Girl Named Zoe.

Next the setting: in the distant future, Mars has been terraformed and turn into a paradise, Earth is ruled by an evil dictator who controls the food supply. Mars has revolted and is holding its own, with a few stations and scouts placed to give warning in the event that Earth launches an attack.
On one of these stations we meet Henry and Rachel. Rachel is assigned to a scout ship while Henry flys a freighter between Mars and the station with supplies.
The day before Rachel’s stint is over and she can return to Mars and her painting, she goes on a routine scout mission, only this time it’s not routine as an Earth invasion fleet intercepts her scout, a lopsided battle ensues that ends with Rachel being killed and her scout disabled.
However Rachel’s mind was connected to the scouts computer (which is illegal) and her mind survives. Mars fights off the Earth invasion fleet, retrieves the disabled scout and repairs it without realizing that Rachel’s mine is trapped inside the scouts computer.
The repaired scout is assigned to Julie Heathcliff, a rookie pilot who quickly finds herself in trouble as on her first mission the scout is chased by two attack craft from Earth, only Rachel mind, which is now in control of the scout’s computer, saves the scout and returns them to Mars.
Rachel learns that Julie Heathcliff is now engaged to Henry, she’s faced with a decision on what to do, she considers taking Julie on a suicide attack, but finally realizes that she’s dead and can’t do such a thing to an innocent woman like Julie.
By then a large attack fleet is sent from Earth and Rachel finds herself in the position of having to sacrifice herself to save Julie Heathcliff and Henry (whom is also on the scout for some reason).
Now the scout is in the midst of battle and only Rachel’s fast reflexes are keeping it intact. Suddenly Julie Heathcliff finds the mental interface and dons it, resulting in the first face to face confrontation between reach and Julie, surprise, anger and shouting result, but quickly feminist as the scout comes under attack again. As the scout comes under fire again, a failure in some circuit results in an electronic backlash that scrambles the scouts computer and slams Julie and Rachel into one person and back into Julie’s body.

For the finish we have three options:

1: Mars fights off Earth, insures their independence and everyone lives happily ever after.
2: Mars is wiped out by Earth in massive explosions and everyone from Mars dies, including Julie/Rachel and Henry.
3: Julie/Rachel becomes one person, but dies, we never find out what happens in the war.
4: As the battle rages, the sun explodes suddenly, destroying both fleets and all of humanity.
5: An uneasy truce is established, Julie/Rachel becomes a secret weapon of Mars and Henry is killed because dead men tell no tales.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this look at how a classic movie could be updated. Please feel free to comment. Thanks for reading!

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