How to destroy a classic movie: King Solomon’s mines

Are you ready for another adventure in remaking classic movies in modern Hollywood? I know I am, I’ve got a movie that’s been remade a time or two, but I think we can do it better. Let’s get started.

First the basic overview:

It’s rather complicated as it is from a novel, but I’ll boil it down to the bare facts, which is all were interested in anyway.

Set in Africa, three adventurers set off to find another man who vanished while searching for, what else, King Solomon’s Mines.
They encounter wild animals, violent natives and have a few adventures before finding a village that holds the secret of the mines location. They help overthrow the chief of that village, kill off a large portion of the former chiefs loyalists before finding the mine.
They get trapped in the mine and are forced to find another way out, then they take their leave of the village and head home.

You can read a bit more about the plot of the novel on Wikipedia

Now while that’s a good basic plot, let’s work up a few changes that would allow this movie not only to be remade today, but also become a big hit.

First the name, while not a bad name for the original, we need something a bit more catchy, so we’ll call it The mine of the Emperor, it’s a bit better and that’s all we need.

Next the location, Africa isn’t the mysterious, magical place it was a hundred years ago, now it’s just a plane ride away. Thus we’re limited to the north or south poles or another world, you do know what we’ll choose, don’t you? We’ll choose another planet, let’s use Mars.

Now that we’ve got a title and a location, we need the history of the mine: we need an emperor, so let’s say that Julius Caesar discovered a portal to Mars while invading Egypt, it’s been lost to time, only a single reference to it on an ancient monument in Cairo exists, it had been covered up for some reason until the monument was damaged and this reference was discovered.
The missing scientist decoded it, stole a space ship and flew to Mars to get rich.
Now our five heroes are embarking on their rescue mission after decoding the reference for themselves, the map that the missing scientist left didn’t hurt either.

On the journey to Mars we can throw in a meteor show, damage the ship and preform a space walk to repair it. It’s during this space walk that we’ll kill off one of the heroes, he or she will get struck from the hull by an asteroid seconds before reentering the craft safely.

Next we’ll have our heroes land, disembark from their ship a few hundred miles from the mine. You might be asking why not land close to the mine, but if we did that we’d lose a lot of the action.

Now our remaining four heroes are trudging through the sand, one stumbles and damaged his suit, it looks like he’s dead, but no! His comrades just manage to repair his suit in time, they’re all safe… Unless you count the Martian zombie that’s about to attack.
Now we’re down to three heroes, one of which has a damaged suit, plus now they know that there are dangers on Mars.

After a few more near misses that make the viewers wonder if any of them will reach the mine, not to mention why they think a single scientist could survive, they reach a small bubble of air and are greeted by a Roman legion.
They are arrested, tried for trespassing and sentenced to a year in the mines, where they are reunited with the missing scientist.

During their work shifts they plan how to escape, all while a guard looks on. Without paying attention.
Finally, after a solid week of planning and preparing, they set their devilish plan in motion, regain their space suits, damage the bubble on air the Romans live in, which also allows the Martian zombies to invade.
As valiant Roman centurions fight the zombies, the heroes and rescued scientist discover the portal Caesar used to set up the mine and use it, emerging in Egypt, right during a terrorist attack that seals the portal forever.
The end?

I hope that you’ve enjoyed this remaking of a classic, I know I enjoyed writing it. Please let me know your thoughts below.
Thanks for reading!

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