How to wreck havoc on the stock market

Tonight I’ll reveal the secrets to controlling at least part of the stock market, it won’t work for every stock, maybe not even very many, but the stocks that my secrets work for will be going up and down at your whim.


The first step in controlling a part of the stock market is to create a persona for yourself, you don’t need  much, pages and profiles on all the major social networks is a must, also a catchy name, if you don’t have a catchy name you’ll never get anywhere. You need to create a name that sticks in people’s minds, a name that just says ‘expert!’, on the other hand a very plain or even funny name can also work. For instance, you could call yourself John Doe, it’s a name everyone has heard, a name that no one believes is real, it’s not ideal, but it’s workable.

Next you need to set yourself up as an expert, write a few papers about the stock market and you’ll be all set. Note: you don’t have to even understand what a stock is, just write a few pages of theory with words and phrases like “Dividend”, “P to E ratio”, “Income”, “Debit”,  “Fee”, “Investment”, “Tax Shelter” and “Year over year gain” to name a few.

These papers will become your foundation, critical to your success,  so name  them well, a name such as “Paper on the relationship of P\E to unemployment” works well.

If you have some kind of past in an industry that sounds like it might have something to do with the financial biz, you have an ace, it’s not as hard as it sounds to connect a company to a financial institute, don’t forget, even banks have toilets and as such need plumbers. Even if you’ve only worked in the nuclear waste industry you can still claim connections, you’ve kept your money in a bank, right? Plus if you were in the nuclear waste biz, you have a hazy connection to congress and thus can claim inside information on Congressional Investigations that are forth coming, which is great for a foundation for your endeavor.


Now that you’ve laid the foundation for your success, it’s time to select the target of your manipulations. This is the most critical part of your plan, don’t jump on the first stock you find, but also don’t latch onto a stock no one has ever heard of.

Tech stocks are normally semi-volatile, so they are always a good choice, let’s take a look at a fictional company in the tech industry, we’ll call it Viking Electronics.

Viking Electronics is the industry leader in wireless belt buckles, they also make the V-Hat, a viking helmet that connects to a online search engine that tracks your every movement for a secret governmental agency.

Now let’s say that you want to lower their stock price enough so you can buy a million shares, it’s currently trading at $1000.00 a share.

The first thing you do is declare that Viking Electronics is doomed because everyone all ready has their products.

The next day you reveal that a Congressional Investigation on Viking’s choice of parking lot contractor is forth coming, you should also strongly hint that they might get broken up because of the probe.

On the third day you will express doubt that Viking can over come its lack of innovation as it’s been three weeks since they released an update to any of their products.

Day four sees you leaking an email supplied by a ‘confidential source that wasn’t authorized to speak’ on Vikings plan to fire all of its workers and give the CEO all the money.

Day five dawns with a new rumor of Viking supplying terrorists with advanced weaponry.

Day six and seven sees a recap of the previous days news and a hint at something even worse being revealed Monday morning.

Day eight, Monday, arrives with Viking Electronics seeing its stock price plummeting to an all time low of $6.09 a share. You disclose that you’ve talked to members of foreign governments who are planning on banning all Viking products and freezing their assists, hint that the United Nations might be holding a special meeting to discuss sanctions against Vikings… just ignore that fact that it’s regarding the raids of modern Vikings sailing from Norway.

Day nine sees the stock price at 1¢, you invest all of your money, start reporting an amazing turn around for Viking Electronics.

Continue for a week reporting amazing new inventions that are forth coming, contracts with every government in the world and the fact that the gadgets that Viking makes are going to bring about world peace and end hunger, pretty soon you’ll be the richest person in the world… or in jail.


I hope you’ve found this post helpful!

Thanks for reading!

Please note that this has been meant as humor and I do not in any way suggest that anyone follow these plans or attempt to manipulate the stock market for any reason whatsoever. Thank you.

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