How to destroy a classic movie: Singin’ in the Rain

It’s Friday night and time to ruin another classic movie!
Tonight’s going to be a bit of a challange, as it’s the first musical that I’ve tried to destroy. Now before I begin, I’ll admit that I’ve always enjoyed Singin’ in the Rain, mostly because it’s a look at the early movie industry as it changed from silent movies to talkies.

The plot:

A famous actor in silent movies struggles to adjust to to the new talking movies, along with his long time costar, a famous actress who has the most annoying voice in the world, but who finds her career in jeopardy because of her voice.
In waltzes a young woman who steals the spotlight, the famous actor’s heart and annoys the famous actress by throwing a cream pie in her face.
The young woman, now an aspiring actress, agrees to lend her voice to a movie to save the famous actors career, but chaos ensues when the famous actress finds out and decides to ruin the aspiring actress’s career.
You can, of course, read the full plot line on the Wikipedia page here:

Now we’ve got a lot of work to update and ruin this movie, so let’s get to it.
We’ve got to update the title, update the plot, set it in a new location and create new tensions, also we’ll work in some musical numbers.
The title isn’t to hard, we want to make it clear that it’s a remake, so it’ll remain four words long and the words must sound similar, so let’s break it down word for word. We’ll change Singin’ to Dancin’, in to on, the remains and Rain becomes Snow, now we’ve got Dancin’ on the Snow, it’s a great title, it suggests comedy, references the original, and gives us enough leeway that we can do nearly anything.

Let’s set our remake in Australia, why, you ask? Because you don’t see movies set in Australia from Hollywood, plus even though they get snow there, most people likely don’t know that (I had too look it up, I admit it).

Now that we’ve got a title and a setting, we move onto plot.
We’ll set it in the near future, when smell-o-vision has been invented. As all actors and actresses struggle to adjust, limiting their perfume and cologne, one actress refuses, instead using enough perfume to know an elephant out. An actor who owes his career to said actress, finds himself adapting to the new format easily, though he knows the actress will be the doom of his career by proxy.
Meanwhile, an aspiring actress is making waves, launches her own brand of perfume formulated for smell-o-vision and becomes a force to be reckoned with.
All three meet, the aspiring actress spritzs the famous actress in anger while singing, endears herself to the actor.
The actor, now hopelessly in love, blackmails his boss into using the aspiring actress’s smell instead the the famous actress’s, thus saving his career and spring boarding the aspiring actress to stardom.
Everything goes fine, until the famous actress uncovers the plot and decides to do her own blackmail, stealing passwords for social media sites and posting how pleased the studio was with her perfume, calling herself the best smelling actress in all of Australia, ect.
Finally the truth comes out in an autograph session, where numerous fans ask if she nearly drowned in an accident at the perfume factory.
Then we see the aspiring actress (who’s now famous) and the actor looking at a billboard advertising there latest show ‘Roses are Sweet’ on a hilltop.

Now for the musical numbers.
We’ve got lots of places we can put in song and dance numbers, we’ll need several smell related songs, at least on dance scene at the perfume factory where the aspiring actress dances between mounds of flowers while singing about them.
We may as we’ll make use of the humor in the idea by having a song about Limburger. While we’re doing humor, we can add a song about smelly feet for laughs.
One song could be called ‘Success is sweet’ or ‘Nothing smells better than success’. We could also have ‘Stinky boots’, ‘Perfumed Skunk’ and ‘Clear the Air’.

I truly believe that this movie might have been produced in the golden age of musicals, I don’t think that it could be made today, mostly because we don’t have the talent anymore, we don’t have character actors anymore, or at least not enough to make a great movie.

I hope that you’ve enjoyed destroying a musical for a change, I know I did.
Please let me know what you think about tonight’s effort to destroy a classic movie, I’d enjoy hearing what you thought.
Thanks for reading!


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