How to ruin any meal: Desserts

This month we’re looking at how to ruin any meal. I am referring to cooking any meal, what you do after cooking a meal to enjoy or ruin it is entirely up to you. Tonight we’re looking at desserts, those wonderful things that finish up a meal and is remembered longer than the meal itself.

Before we begin, I feel compelled to offer these words once more:

 

WARNING: DO NOW READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY FOOD!

The rest of this post is designed to be humorous and is not intended to be taken seriously. Any attempt to ingest the substance described in the following paragraphs is not suggested and should be avoided. You’ve been warned.

 

Just like meals, desserts are subjective, what I think ruins it other might think sounds wonderful and vise versa.

Desserts can be made with nearly anything, a simple piece of fruit with sugar, cream or honey can be called dessert, conversely a dessert can take hours to make, it could consist of layers of cake with ice cream between and frosting on top for instance, you can go overboard making caramel sauce and shaping chocolate into elaborate shapes if you so desire, there really isn’t any right or wrong way to create a desert… until this post anyway.

Now that I’ve explained what everyone all ready knew, I can get down to the good stuff!

 

We’re going to look at several desserts we can ruin tonight, from the simple to the complex, we’re not leaving anything to chance, in fact I’ve got so many ideas I might need a second post!

 

First, we should the simple dessert to ruin, such as a simple piece of fruit with honey or sugar. At first glance this should be too simple to ruin, but all we need to do is to expand our view slightly, that and remember that a lot of things we normally think of as vegetables are technically fruits. Take the tomato for example, it’s a fruit because of how it grows, if we simply cover a sliced tomato with honey, we’ve created something marginally disgusting, but we’re not going to stop there!

Get small cherry tomatoes, if anyone ask what’s for dessert (as someone undoubtedly will), tell them cherry love apples (love apple being another name for tomatoes, the origin of which is in some disagreement), this will get everyone thinking of something sweet. Next we’re going to create a creamy sauce for over the tomatoes, it should resemble whipped cream, but it should have a tart taste, such a dessert will be considered ruined by anyone.

 

If you want to create a fancier dessert, make tomato ice cream (recipes are widely available), next make yourself some raspberry syrup, some butterscotch topping and a fudge topping, make sure everyone gets equal amounts of these toppings on their ice cream, the blend of flavors should turn the strongest stomachs, also this will be a dessert sweeping the nation within weeks of being discovered by famous chefs, when used in conjunction with last weeks recipes it should cement your position as a world-class chef with a TV show.

 

Now we come to the best ruining of a dessert in tonight’s post, brownies. Brownies are one of the best desserts in existence, but they are far from foolproof or ruination proof.

First off we want to reduce the sugar to practically none, replace it and most of the butter with pineapple. Instead of chocolate, use instant coffee. use ground peas instead of flour, add a cup of raisins  and a few unshelled peanuts for fiber. A pinch of baking powder and two slightly scrambled eggs mixed in will complete your brownie batter. Bake for an hour or until it starts to burn, you want a nice blackened crust on the bottom.

One word of warning, there is undoubtedly at least one person with odd enough taste buds that will just love these brownies, don’t pay them any attention,, but if you can get them to plug these brownies to a cable channel, you stand a good chance to becoming a dessert chef in a restaurant with your own show.

 

One more quick way to ruin any dessert, add bacon to it without changing anything.

 

I hope you’ve enjoyed this post, I hope you got a laugh or two…  I also hope you don’t try any of these ‘recipes’.  I hope that you’ll join me again next week, when we try to ruin pizzas and perhaps something else!

Feel free to comment.

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