How to ruin any meal: Pizza

This month we’re looking at how to ruin any meal, I’m referring to cooking any meal, what you do after cooking it to either enjoy or ruin it is entirely up to you.
Tonight we’re looking at pizzas. Who doesn’t enjoy pizza? Who also doesn’t already know how some people ruin it. Let’s see what we can do ourselves, shall we?

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:


The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

Pizza, a wonderful food, a disc of dough piled high with toppings such as tomato sauce, cheese, peppers, onions, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms, olives and anchovies to name a few.
Now some of you out there will say it’s not possible to ruin such a simple dish, but as they say, where there’s a will there’s a way. Others of you will agree with me that a lot of people have already ruined pizza. Regardless of which camp you are in, let’s forge ahead and see what nauseating creations we can come up with.

The first option to ruin a pizza is in the cheese, it’s something relatively easy, it doesn’t require any other changes and everyone has access to cheeses. Consider a simple change from Mozzarella to Monterrey Jack cheese, it’s so subtle that no one will notice any difference in appearance, but once they taste it… For a more interesting case, try a white cheddar cheese, the smell might be off a bit, but the other toppings should cover it up. If you really want to change it and don’t mind if everyone knows that something is up, try Limburger.

Another way to ruin a pizza would be to change the toppings completely, such as a ‘Hawaiian’ pizza, which sadly is a real thing with ham and pineapple, though personally I’d think mangoes, pineapple and fish would be more authentic.
One thing that I haven’t heard of is a Chinese pizza, a quick search turns up a few ideas about one, but not like I’ve come up with. Take a regular pizza crust, spread sweet and sour sauce on it (in lieu of the tomato sauce), add your favorite sprouts, sprinkle on fried rice and your favorite Chinese entry (kung pow chicken, fried shrimp, etc), cover with Nguri cheese.


As we’re exploring strange pizzas, let’s go one step further in our attempt to create the worlds most disgusting pizza that will ruin any meal, yes, I’m talking about the dreaded ‘Fusion’ pizza. The key here is to select two or more countries that have nothing to do with Italy. Tonight let’s take Russia, France and Hawaii.

From France we’ll take a wine and tomato sauce, from Hawaii we’ll take pineapples and bananas, from Russia we’ll take Caviar, Vodka and Bryndza cheese. Mix the Vodka with the caviar and spread on top of the tomato wine sauce from France, add the pineapples and bananas, cover with the cheese and serve cold.


If anyone who tries one of these pizzas actually enjoys it, I’d suggest marooning them on a tropical isle with a pound of butter and a frying pan, return in a month and you most likely will encounter a world-famous restaurant.


I’m sorry I’m not getting to anything else tonight, but this post is running long, we might just have to continue this series of how to’s into next month, what do you think? I’m interested in your opinions.

Next week we’ll see what we can do to sandwiches and either fried foods or salad dressing. Do you have an opinion which? Let me know!

Thanks for reading. I hope you’ve enjoyed this!



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