How to ruin any meal: Sandwiches

This month we’re looking at how to ruin any meal, I’m referring to cooking any meal, what you do after cooking it to either enjoy or ruin it is entirely up to you.
Tonight we’re looking at sandwiches, simple, yet time-honored and elegant in a way. Sandwiches can be as simple as a slice of cheese between two slices of bread (or one slice cut in to for that matter), or they can be as complex as … well as complicated as you can imagine really.

Wikipedia has a fascinating article about sandwiches, I fully recommend reading it, whether or not its entirely correct I doubt anyone knows, but it’s still interesting reading:

Shall we begin?

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:


The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.


Now that that’s out-of-the-way, lets look at the basics of sandwiches and how those can be skewed just enough to ruin it.

Bread and filling, that’s what a sandwich boils down to. While most people most likely just take two slices of bread and go from there, you could also have special bread or even a flat bread if you wish. It’s hard to ruin bread for a sandwich, but we’ll do our best.

The best way to ruin the bread is to make it yourself, I’d recommend this even if you don’t want to ruin a meal, it gives you more control over what’s in it and its more satisfying when you go to eat it.

Every culture has its own take on bread, so to make a sandwich disgusting, I’d suggest going with a type of bread as far from the type of food you are putting inside, I also suggest a sweet bread that could almost be desert in itself. Please note that not all people will dislike it, a number will call it a fusion sandwich and declare it the best thing they have ever eaten, if you run across any of these people, ask them to help you start a restaurant that serves those sandwiches.


Now for the filling:

While nearly anything can go into a sandwich, most sandwiches include sliced meat, cheese and some kind of sauce. Cold sandwiches will also have greens thrown on normally.

While it’s hard to ruin something like this, it’s not impossible. The easiest way is to get the chewiest meat that you can, extra fat is a bonus in the ruination count. Also consider adding meat and cheese that do not normally go together, say chicken and Limburger, or ham and pepper jack. A liberal amount of ketchup can’t hurt either, the sloppier the better, remember that messy is not normally good with foods people pick up.

Also consider serving a hot sandwich cold or a cold sandwich hot, nothing is worse than hot, wilted lettuce, or cold melted  cheese, not to mention a tomato slice that’s been heated up and let to cool.


On some sandwiches you’ll see an olive on a toothpick stuck on the top, that’s pathetic, try a chocolate covered cherry or a lemon on a skewer, much fancier and less appetizing.


Presentation is also part of the meal, while some sandwiches require nothing more than a simple plate to be served on, you are trying to ruin a meal here, you want to go the extra mile, serve your sandwiches on the most garish plates you can find, with a pool of a nauseating light green sauce seeming to ooze out of the sandwich, bonus points if it looks like it’s oozing from when you stuck a decoration in it.


I was going to tackle salad dressing tonight, I know I promised last week, but writing this  about ruining sandwiches has made me lose interest in ruining any other food this week, next week we’ll tackle that and maybe something else.

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this, please feel free to comment below.



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