How to ruin any meal: burgers

Tonight, once again, we’re looking at how to ruin any meal, I’m referring to cooking any meal, what you do after cooking it to either enjoy or ruin it is entirely up to you.
Tonight our victim is the mild-mannered, unsuspecting burger. Meek and uninteresting, the hamburger thought to avoid our sharp eyes by blending in, however we have it surrounded and soon we shall make mincemeat out of it… not literally mincemeat… that could be interesting however…

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

Special Warning: While fast food executives will undoubtedly steal these ideas once they see them, that alone does not make the following ideas tasty or healthy.

 

Now that the warnings are done, let’s look at just what a hamburger normally is: Ground burger formed into a patty and placed between a bun at the simplest.

The history of the hamburger is mostly conjecture, no one is quite sure if originated in Germany or here in the U.S.A. However we can all agree that it does exist, regardless of what you use to make one.

If you are of a mind, you can spend time trying to deduce where the hamburger originated, that is out of the scope of this blog post, we’re only interested in how one can take a simple burger and make it something few people would eat.

 

As we begin, we should set down a few rules: We don’t care what you use as a base, ground beef, buffalo, turkey or vegetables. We are not trying to kill anyone with our disgusting burgers, nor do we want to do anything illegal, all we want to do is to ruin a meal.

Now let’s begin.

 

The easiest way to make a burger that is disgusting is not to cook it, however too many people would eat it and become sick, so we’ll discard that idea.

Next we have an interesting idea: make a burger out of ham. Grind the ham and pack it together (you might need to use some kind of binder), serve as you would any burger. As you will use cooked ham, there is no need to heat it back up unless you want to.

 

That’s about the only way to ruin a burger that would satisfy a purest, but as I don’t care about them, we’ll add disgusting things to our patty and see what we can come up with.

 

Season a patty with garlic, cloves, ginger, avocado, fresh sage and rosemary. This combination should be enough to ruin any appetite.

 

Cook a patty, carefully slice it in two, hollow out the center and place a juicy beet slice inside, seal it back up with cheese and watch as your ‘guest’ bites into it. This should satisfy anyone who wants a ‘rare’ burger.

 

Grind anchovies, rutabaga and parsnips together, mix with your normal patty mix and see what you come up with.

 

Season your patty mix with soy sauce, salsa, Worcestershire sauce and Parmesan cheese. Serve smothered in ketchup and barbecue sauce.

 

Now let’s create a ‘healthy’ burger  by placing a normal patty between two thick slices of pumpkin with guacamole on top, serve with a tub of melted butter.

 

Take whatever kind of patty you like, cooked, place it on a homemade bun… the bun must have blue or green food coloring added to the dough to make it look thoroughly molded.

 

‘Blacken’ a patty, place on a ‘blackened’ bun, serve with ‘blackened’ onions and sautéed pickles.

 

I think that’s enough ideas to keep you for a week. I hope you’ve enjoyed this post, I know I enjoyed writing it.

I hope you’ll join me again next week when we wreak havoc on another meal.

Feel free to share your ideas below!

 

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