How to destroy classic movies: Gone With the Wind, take two

It’s Friday night and that means we’re going to remake yet another classic movie.
Remember each remaining Friday in May I’ll show you another way that Gone With the Wind could be remade.
Last week we remade it using only three key parts of the plot and adding in a tornado, tonight we’ll be doing something entirely different.
Let’s get started.

The plot:

Tonight we’re going to focus on another aspect of the movie… The war, the only key part of the movie we didn’t use last week, the rest of the plot will remain the same to allow for the most artistic license.
The five points:

1: The main actress is named Scarlet and her romantic counter in Rhett Butler.
2: The one phrase Scarlet says that everyone remembers is in the scene where she is standing on a hill saying “As god is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again.”
3: Rhett’s most memorable phrase is “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
4: The burning of Atlanta.
5: Civil War.

Our movie:

We start with a burst of gun fire and several explosions, along with the date, which is sometime in the distant (or not so distant) future.
A bit of background gets established next:
1: This is a future USA.
2: This civil war began as a series of protests.
3: The protests began after the government ruled that tomatoes could no longer be used in preparing pizzas.
4: A number of states ruled that the Feds couldn’t regulate tomato usage.
5: A number of states declared themselves neutral and refused to send troops into the pro tomato states.
6: Further complicating things was that the ‘1 percent’ hired mercenaries for protection and became a third front in the war.
7: A forth front broke out as the pro tomato states became divided on the issue of goat cheese on pizzas.

These should be outlined as new stories, battle scenes, ect.
With those fact fully outlined, we realize that this is going to be a long movie, cue product placement with a gusto (which is not a pizza topping).
Next we see our heroine, Major Scarlet, talking at a peace conference with her mother’s ex butler, Rhett, whom Scarlet nearly married before learning that he supported goat cheese on pizzas (Scarlet is an anti-goat cheese, pro tomato rebel).

Talks break down, the war continues. Fronts move back and forth with no one gaining my ground, until the key battle, near (where else?) Atlanta.
All four sides invade and destroy all of Atlanta.

Another peace conference ensues after Atlanta is abandoned.
Rhett and Scarlet meet again, again they disagree about pizza.
Rhett says “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn… about pizza unless it has anchovies on it.”
Suddenly the peace conference is under attack. Scarlet takes cover, pulling out her cell phone to order air support, looks at it a curses, “As god is my witness, my next phone will be a (product placement opportunity)!” She shouts as the building is leveled.

Somehow Scarlet survives, as does Rhett, but the war is over, all sides lost as English troops invaded and reclaimed the colonies and everything else, becoming a super power with practically no losses and declare that they put down the revolution after all… Also that if you like your pizza, you can keep your pizza.

Scarlet and Rhett marry, argue over which British tv show is the best.
The end.

So what do you think? Do you think this plot is better than last weeks? Did I end it too quickly? Let me know what you think.


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