How to ruin any meal: Pancakes

On this Saturday we’re once again looking at how to ruin any meal, I’m referring to cooking any meal, what you do after cooking it to either enjoy or ruin it is entirely up to you.
Tonight our sights are set on pancakes; plain,  simple and fluffy pancakes.

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

First off a bit of history. Pancakes in one form or another have been enjoyed as far back in time as the ancient Greeks and Romans… just think, when you eat a pancake, you’re eating something similar to what Julius Caesar ate.

The poet Cratinus (died 420 B.C) is credited with being the first to record them in his writing.
Know by several name, such as flapjacks, hotcakes, johnny cakes, griddle cakes, and undoubtedly many other regional names, these are enjoyed by countless people everyday.

Now it’s up to us to ruin them.

 

Now to ruin this staple of breakfast, we can do it in multiple ways, the batter, the syrup/topping, both or by changing how we cook them. I think we have our hands full tonight!

 

Batter:

The following items can be added to the batter to help ruin the pancakes:

Garlic.

Sage.

Jalapenos.

Habaneros.

Onions.

Radishes.

Anchovies.

Avocados.

Pepper corns.

Turnips.

 

Cooking:

The following ways can be used to ruin a pancake while cooking it. You can either use plain pancake batter or add any or all of the ingredients above:

 

Deep fry them, this might turn out a pancake that resembles a doughnut more than a pancake.

Boil them, this might not even work, but it would be worth a try, using salt water might give them a salty taste, you could tell everyone that you got the recipe from an old salt of a sailor.

Pout the batter on a cookie sheet with sides, bake in the over until golden brown, flip and bake for five more minutes. Use scissors to cut into shape, or use a pizza cutter to cut triangles out. Brush with oil for an oily taste.

 

Syrup\topping:

Some people only use syrup on their pancakes, while other people might cover their flap jacks in so much else that you wouldn’t know that a griddle cake was at the bottom.

To get around this problem, as the chef and host, you can insist on serving ready to eat johnny cakes, pre-topped. Here are some choices that will ruin any pancake:

 

Salsa: nice thin salsa straight from a jar, or thick and chunky salsa, it’s your choice. Recommended to be served with a sweet hotcakes.

 

Alfredo sauce: cheesy and not something ever tried with pancakes before.

 

Hot sauce: A bottle of hot sauce is every chefs friend, why not add it to breakfast? Suggested with sweet pancakes or flapjacks with sage.

 

Chocolate syrup: another old standby, serve with anchovies griddle cakes and no one will be asking for seconds.

 

Sour cream: use with chocolate syrup and most people will assume it’s ice cream… it’ll be something no one will ever forget.

 

Gravy: who doesn’t like gravy? Why doesn’t everyone use it on everything?

 

Spaghetti sauce: tomatoes are a fruit, fruit always goes with pancakes, right?

 

And finally, guacamole: when everything else fails, a dollop of guacamole on sweet flapjacks with a little honey drizzled over it is sure to please no one.

 

That’s how you ruin pancakes, griddle cakes, flapjacks, johnny cakes or whatever else you might call them. I hope you’ve enjoyed our journey tonight, I know I’ve had fun.

Join me again next week when we see how to ruin another meal or part of a meal!

Thanks for reading!

 

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