How to destroy classic movies: Ben Hur

It’s Friday night and that men’s it’s time to remake another classic movie in modern blockbuster fashion.
Tonight we’re going to remake the classic Ben Hur.
To make it easier, we’re going to reuse a few tricks we used last month on Gone With the Wind.
Let’s get started.

The plot:

Anyone who has seen either the silent or the 1959 version will undoubtedly remember the chariot race, most likely you don’t remember much in anything else about it. I watched the 1959 version a few years back and I don’t recall much else about it. While I could either rewatch the movie or look up the plot on Wikipedia or any other site, instead we’ll just stay with the chariot race as our focus.

Our movie:

While simple titles are nice, our remake needs a bit different title, I’ve come up with two.

1. Ben Hur: racing through time!
2. Ben Hur: from chariots to star ships.

While both titles sound good, I think the second one sounds more like a documentary, so we’ll go with option 1 , Ben Hur: Racing through time!
The plot in our movie is racing, chariot racing in particular.

We start our movie with a chariot race, Ben Hur is in the race, he fights to overcome a loose wheel, sabotaged reins and a lack of skill, surprisingly he still manages to come in third.
Next we get to see him currying his team (no, not that type of curry!), repairing his reins and so forth. Note that this is mostly filler scenes, there is no real plot development taking place and it could very well be cut before the movie is completed.
The next scene is another chariot race, this time Ben Hur wins the race and is treated to all the honors entitled to the winner.
Now we jump ahead a few hundred years, the next few scenes involve multiple kinds of races. From every kind of horse racing invented, to foot racing, bicycle racing and yacht racing. Each race is won by Ben Hur, always in period clothing of course.
Next we see the first car races, where we watch Ben Hur travel across country in his automobile, breaking down and repairing it himself (this is a very good place to get some product placement in if you can convince companies that were around back then to do it), as always Ben Hur wins the race.
We go from car racing to airplane racing, as the early days of aviation were filled with enterprising flyers willing to build and fly their planes in competitions there are plenty of options here.
Then we come to the early days of drag racing as well as the first car races that resemble what we have today. These scenes are quick, flashy and feature cars exploding in flames, just what people want to watch!
Next we zoom into the future with the first Earth to Mars race, twelve ships have entered the competition, one of which is flown by none other than Ben Hur, who is the underdog this time.
We watch as the ships blast off from Earth, enter orbit and fly straight towards the moon, turning away just in time to use the moon’s gravity to assist the. In gaining speed.
The flight to Mars isn’t boring either, from meteor shows that threaten to destroy all twelve ships (at least one or more should explode in enormous special effect ridden fireballs), space pirates or aliens (why not both?) also attack the racers. Ship wide computer glitches also affect our hero’s ship, but he manages to survive and repair his ship without loosing to much time.
Finally we see Mars drawing near, Ben Hur and two other ships are neck and neck, it looks like the race might be a three way tie, but one of the ships is armed and intent on winning Jo matter the cost, it destroys the ship without our hero in it. Ben Hur twists his ship away from the laser blasts, but the evil doer comes after him. With skilled maneuvers, Ben Hur manages to lure the enemy into the path of an asteroid, destroying it and ensuring that he wins the race.
Ben Hur lands on Mars victorious and we fade back to the chariot race we started with, zoom in on Ben Hur as he seems to watch the future, he smiles and the screen goes black.

I hope you’ve enjoyed remaking Ben Hur with me, I know I enjoyed it.
Feel free to comment, I’m always interested in your opinion.


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