How to ruin any meal: Shish kebabs

Tonight we’re once again looking at how to ruin any meal, I’m referring to cooking any meal, what you do after cooking it to either enjoy or ruin it is entirely up to you.

Tonight we’re going to attack shish kebabs, by the time we’re done, either we shall have successfully ruined them, or we will have a winning idea that will bring us millions.

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

Now that I’ve got that out-of-the-way, let’s look at just what a shish kebab is and a bit of its history, which is vast.

While the original meaning of the word is from a Turkish dish of lamb roasted in an open fire,  the history of it is even more interesting. The word Shish comes from Turkey, while Kebab is a bit muddled, it may be Syrian in origin,  or Persian. However the idea behind kebabs is much older, as interments for cooking skewers of meat have been found that date from before the 17th century BC. Even Homer mentions something similor to kebabs in his stories.

Sinclair Lewis mentioned Kebabs in his novel Our Mr. Wrenn, where the dish is encountered in an Armenian restaurant.

The addition of vegetables to the skewers is relatively modern, according to some experts, however I’m of the opinion that it would have depended on what was available on any given day, however I have nothing to support my theory.

For an interesting array of regional variations of kabab, I refer you to Wikipedia’s page on Kebabs http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kebab

 

Now on to the destruction of shish kebabs!

 

The quickest way to ruin a shish kebab is to change what is on the skewers. While the most common way to make one is to place a cube of meat followed by one or more vegetables, more meat and repeat until the skewer is full, we have a few adjustments to make (please note that you most likely should cook them after putting them together):

 

Option one: Take an anchovy, place it on the skewer, follow it  with a strawberry, a potato and a Brussels sprout, repeat until skewer is full.

 

Option two: Take the worst chunk of meat you can find, full of fat and gristle, chop it into cubes, place one cube on skewer, follow with a chunk of onion, a slice of apple, a cube of watermelon, repeat until skewer is full.

 

Option three:

Take a strawberry, impale it on a skewer follow with a small onion, a cherry tomato, a chunk of ham and a thick slice of cucumber. Repeat until skewer is full.

 

Option four:

Slice a doughnut into four chunks, place the first chunk on a skewer, follow it with a strawberry, a marshmallow, a chocolate chip cookie and a fig. Place the second doughnut chunk on the skewer, follow it with a miniature candy bar, a kiwi and  a cherry. Put the third doughnut chunk of the skewer, follow it with a mango, a chocolate truffle and a chunk of a banana. Eat the fourth chunk of doughnut… for quality control of course.

 

Option five:

Place a chunk of ham on your skewer, follow with one chunk of each of the following in any order:  pepperoni, salami, ham and beef jerky, repeat until skewer is full.

 

There you go, five ways to create shish kebabs that will ruin them for you and your guests!

Do you want a sixth? Of course you do, this isn’t really a way to ruin it, but more of a fun desert:

 

Take a single scoop of each of your favorite ice creams, place next to one another on a plate, insert a plastic straw through them, cover in melted (but barely warm) chocolate chips and freeze until all flavors of ice cream are solid once more and stay when you pick up the straw.

 

There you go, six ways to ruin or otherwise change shish kebabs!

Thanks for reading, I hope you’ve enjoyed this post as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it.

I hope you’ll be looking forward to next week, where we’ll ruin some other meal or part of a meal, rest assured it won’t be doughnuts again.

Feel free to offer your thoughts on shish kebabs below.

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