How to ruin any food: Ice cream

As you may have noticed, I’ve slightly changed the title of this series of posts, it’s gone from ruining meals to ruining foods. The reasons behind this change are simple, I feel that this new title better reflects what I’m doing and also it allows me a bit more flexibility. Where as before I’ve tried to mostly stick to foods that could be meals in and of themselves, now I’ll be able to focus on individual foods and look at how we might be able to ruin them.

Tonight we’re looking at ice cream and how to ruin it. This is strictly ice cream tonight, not sundaes or floats or sandwiches… those are going to be looked at in future posts.

Before we begin, I’ want to offer these normal words of warning:

 

WARNING: DO NOW READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY FOOD!

The rest of this post is designed to be humorous and is not intended to be taken seriously. Any attempt to ingest the substance described in the following paragraphs is not suggested and should be avoided. You’ve been warned.

 

Ice cream, creamy, sweet, sticky ice cream, one of summer’s delights.

Ice cream has a long history, most historians cite references of snow mixed with flavored water as the first ice cream, however this post focuses on true ice cream with cream in  it, which appears to have originated around the 15th and 16th centuries as the point where real ice cream appeared, though it might have been made earlier, history tends to be a bit vague with food dates.

Rumors tell of Italian duchess Catherine de’ Medici bring Italian chefs to Paris for ice cream, another tale has Charles the 1st of England bribing his own chef to keep the secret of ice cream, but these may be little more than rumors and tales.

A definition of ice cream is claimed to have existed in the Oxford English Dictionary in 1744, the same year the Governor of Maryland is said to have mentioned it in a letter.

Since then ice cream has exploded in popularity, obviously. I could keep citing facts about ice cream, but I wouldn’t have enough time to ruin it.

 

Just for the sake of clarity, I love ice cream, I don’t know of anyone who doesn’t.  Many of my ideas to ruin ice cream are probably edible and might even be quite palatable… once you’ve gotten over the oddness of them. Others are so strange I’m not beyond claiming them to be lethal.

 

Now on to the ruining of ice cream!

We can ruin ice cream one of two ways, toppings or flavors. Each one has certain upsides, so I’ll attempt to give you enough ideas to ruin it either way.

 

Ice cream flavors: (These all use the regular base you’d make plain vanilla from)

 

Avocado.

Bacon.

Radish-lemon

Tomato (I know it’s real, but still!)

Pickle

Anchovy

Mustard

Horseradish

Pickled Herring

Red Herring.

 

Toppings:

To make this list easier, I’ve divided it between sauces and other toppings.

 

Sauces

 

Ketchup

Mustard

Worcestershire sauce

Mayonnaise

Salsa

Spaghetti sauce

Gravy

Cheese sauce

Olive oil

 

Other toppings:

 

Chopped celery

Pepperoni chunks

Cherry tomatoes

Paprika

Cheese curds

Minced garlic

Sautéed onions

Jalapenos

 

I think that’s enough to give you some ideas on what to avoid, don’t you?

Thanks for reading, I hope you’ve enjoyed this post as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it. I hope you aren’t too disgusted by my twisted ideas.

I hope you’ll be looking forward to next week, where we’ll ruin some other food.

Please leave you comments below

 

 

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