How to ruin any food: Applesauce

Tonight I thought I’d tackle a food that is a bit more seasonal than most of the ones I’ve done before, Applesauce.

Applesauce is another of those foods that you either love or hate, though you may change your mind at any time. Tonight I’ll attempt to change your mind by ruining it. Shall we begin?

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

History

Applesauce… a simple food, one that is most likely as confused history wise as any I’ve ruined so far.

Most likely the first caveman to drop an overripe apple and discover it was still edible was the one who first made applesauce.

The history of apple sauce is nearly unknown, however… I did manage to find one site that has an… unique take on the history of applesauce:

http://mirror.uncyc.org/wiki/Applesauce

I suggest that you don’t take that site with more than a grain of salt, however you may prefer two or three grains of salt depending on your sense of humor.

 

What it is

Applesauce is basically puree apples, it is normally sweetened with either sugar or honey. Cinnamon is a typical seasoning added to it, others can be added that complement the apples, such as allspice and perhaps nutmeg.

 

How to ruin it

That brings us to tonight’s challenge, how to ruin applesauce. It’s not hard at all, as you will soon see.

 

Apples:

Use tomatoes instead of apples, there is a reason that tomatoes were once called love apples.

 

Sweeteners:

Consider using molasses instead of sugar or honey, its distinctive taste will help ruin applesauce.

 

Seasoning:

This is the easiest and best way to ruin applesauce. Changing the seasonings or adding to them will vary the ways you can ruin applesauce. By changing the seasonings around with every batch you make, you should be able to ruin applesauce differently every night for a week at least.

 

  • Cumin
  • Black pepper
  • Garlic powder
  • Onion powder
  • Soy sauce
  • Worcestershire sauce
  • Hot sauce
  • Cayenne pepper powder

 

Other tips:

If you applesauce is too thick, consider thinning it with any of the following:

 

  • Root beer
  • Ginger ale
  • Cola
  • Lemonade
  • Orange juice
  • Tomato juice

 

These ideas should give you a good start to ruining your next batch of applesauce.

I’d like to know if you have any tips or suggestions for ruining applesauce/

Thanks for reading, I hope you’ve enjoyed tonight’s post.

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7 thoughts on “How to ruin any food: Applesauce

  1. I’ve made award-winning applesauce from scratch for decades with nothing but two ingredients (no sugar!) and a pinch of secret spices. People go apeshit over it and I use it again in cakes, spoonbreads, and cookies.

    Life is too short to eat boring applesauce with boring people. More for us.

    Like

  2. Pingback: How to ruin any food: Apple sauce revisited | Mageowl's Blog

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