How to ruin any food: Bread

Tonight I’m going to show you how to ruin bread. It’s not very hard, but it will go hand in hand with the jelly I ruined for you last Saturday. After you read this post you will be able to make bread that is as strange as the jellies and jams you we made last week. Are you ready?

 

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

History

Continuing with my habit of selecting foods that date back to antiquity, we have bread. One of the oldest prepared foods on Earth.

The history of bread is more or less the history of ground grains, or flour.

Flour dates back around 30,000 years, give or take a few years.

Flour was only roughly ground until around 800 B.C when milling was invented and refined.

However it wasn’t until around 300 years B.C. that the Egyptians began making yeast in quantity to leaven the bread, or make it rise if you prefer. Since then, bread basically remained the same  until 1928 when it was sliced. However there may be some interesting developments with bread soon, they are billed as… you know the rest.

 

What it is

It’s bread. Flour and water mixed with yeast and baked. One of the simplest foods in existence and also still quite tasty.

 

How to ruin it

Ruining bread might seem hard as it is such a simple food, however there are many ways to ruin it as you will soon see.

 

The simplest way to ruin bread is to use a grain or flour that you don’t enjoy, for me that would be rye flour.

Another way to ruin bread is to liberally use food coloring to give it an odd off-color. Not many people would find bright red bread tasty.

Green bread also is a nasty looking color for bread.

An interesting idea is to divide a batch of bread into two, than dye one half green and the other blue. Once the dough has risen once, carefully mix the two halves back together. You don’t to combine them so much that the colors become one color. Let it rise once more before baking. You should get something very unappetizing.

 

You can also try adding flavors to your bread. Add two flavors that have no reason to be in bread together: Try Anice and Cumin, Cayenne and Nutmeg, Garlic and Molasses or Apple and Onion.

You can also try to add other things into your bread that might seem odd, for instance:

Bacon and doughnuts: Simply cook your bacon and crumble it int the bread dough. Rip a day old doughnut into small pieces and mix it in as well.

Sauerkraut and Apples: Chop your apples into small pieces first, make sure the sauerkraut doesn’t make your dough too wet, add extra flour if needed.

 

There you go, a number of ways to ruin bread! Give it some thought and come up with your own way, feel free to share it in the comments!

Thanks for reading, I hope you’ll join me again next week when we ruin another food!

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