How to ruin any food: Cranbery sauce

As the fall days begin to grow colder, who doesn’t think about cranberry sauce, if only in passing? The tart cranberry literally stewed in its own juices until it begins to thicken? This is one of the foods no winter holiday is complete without… and I’m going to ruin it. Ready to get started?

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

History:

Cranberry sauce is perhaps one of the most mysterious foods that I have attempted to ruin. The history of  cranberries is an old and interesting one, but I’m much more interested in bring you the history of cranberry sauce, something that doesn’t exist as far as I can find. The only fact I’ve seen quoted in several places is that General Ulysses S. Grant ordered it served to his troops during a siege in 1864.

 

What it is:

Cranberry sauce is basically a sauce made from cranberries that had been boiled in sugar-water until they pop, after a few minutes the juice thickens and you get cranberry sauce.

 

How to ruin it:

While this is a very simple dish, most people take it a step farther and add other spices and juices to change the taste. This gives us an edge in ruining it.

The water or juice:

Changing the water or juice added to the water is the first place we look to ruin cranberry sauce.

Consider replacing the water with ginger ale, it’ll give your cranberry sauce a very interesting taste to say the least.

Root beer is an even better choice, it’s a different color and much stronger flavor, few people will enjoy root beer cranberry sauce.

Another interesting idea is to use onion juice in place of the water, this would be best done in a well ventilated area, unless you like the smell of onions in which case have fun.

If you would rather add juice to the cranberry sauce after the base sauce is made, consider the following:

Tomato juice

Carrot juice

Cherry juice

Strawberry juice

Lemonade

Anything that doesn’t normally say cranberry to the masses, use your imagination and let me know what you come up with.

Another way to ruin it:

Some recipes call for adding spices to the cranberry sauce, consider any of the following:

Garlic powder

Cumin powder

Curry powder

Cayenne powder

 

I think these are more than enough ways to ruin cranberry sauce, don’t you?

Thanks for reading and I hope you’ll join me again next Saturday night when I ruin another helpless food.

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