How to ruin any food: Turkey sandwich

Tonight we’re going to look at ruining a turkey sandwich. While a few months ago I did a post on ruining sandwiches (http://wp.me/p3pFIg-c7), right now many people are struggling with a tremendous amount of leftover turkey and I figured you might need to know how to ruin turkey sandwiches.

Shall we get started?

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

What it is:

A turkey sandwich at best is a nice slice of turkey breast between two slices of bread, perhaps with a condiment of your choice or salt and pepper.

 

How to ruin it:

While sandwiches in general are easy to ruin, turkey sandwiches tend to be even easier than most.

Let’s break it down and ruin each part:

 

      Bread:

The bread is the first thing most people will come into contact with on a sandwich, half the battle of ruining a sandwich is in the bread. Consider a type of bread that is as far from normal as possible, a few suggestions include:

A nice crisp flat bread, it should be as thin as possible so that after the first bite is taken it begins to fall apart.

A very soft white bread, it should be soft enough the every bite turns into a gummy mess and dries out the mouth.

A hard, dry bread with seeds in it, this will have the added bonus of drying out the eater’s mouth while the seeds will get stuck in their teeth, also if the bread is hard enough the jaws will begin to ache after a few bites.

 

Turkey:

The turkey is perhaps the most important thing in this sandwich, it can make or break the sandwich. Unfortunately there is not much you can do to the turkey without risking it being deadly to the sandwich eater. However I do have a few suggestions.

Dry turkey, it’s a sad fact of life that some parts of a turkey will be dry. A sandwich is the perfect place to use the dry turkey, it’ll help ruin it in combination with dry bread.

Tough turkey, another sad fact of life is that some turkey is just tough. Not every turkey will be tough, but you should be able to scrape together enough tough turkey to annoy whoever you give the sandwich to.

Small scrapes of turkey, a good sandwich has large slices of turkey, the small bits of turkey that you’d normally save for a cat are ideal to ruin a sandwich.

 

Toppings/Condiments:

The last place to ruin a turkey sandwich is the toppings. This can require a lot of thought to get just right, however I’ve got a few ideas to get you started:

Raspberry jam: Who has ever heard of jam on a turkey sandwich?

Peanut butter: Again, something unheard of can only help ruin a sandwich.

Gravy: You’ve got some left over, admit it, add it on top of your crisp bread and you’ll easily ruin a sandwich!

Cranberry sauce and mustard: This combination is bad enough to ruin a sandwich on its own!

Marshmallow cream: Gooey and sweet, everything a good sandwich needs, just not on top of turkey.

 

Add any of these ideas together and you’ve got yourself a perfectly ruined sandwich!

 

I’ve got a bonus treat for your cat:

Take leftover turkey, mix it with turkey broth, add a few teaspoons of catnip. Mix in a bit of butter, spread on a slice of bread, cover with whipped cream or sour cream and sprinkle a garnish of extra catnip on top.  Your cat will enjoy this.

 

Thanks for reading and I hope you’ll join me again next Saturday night when I ruin another helpless food.

Please feel free to comment with your own suggestions on ruining a turkey sandwich.

 

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