How to ruin any food: Gingerbread men and other Christmas cookies

Tonight we are going to be ruining gingerbread men and other Christmas cookies. I know, it’s a crumbly thing to do, but hey, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

Shall we get started?

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

History of Gingerbread men and Christmas cookies:

Gingerbread men have a long history, gingerbread has an even longer history. Ginger seems to have been added to cake/bread dough almost as early as it was discovered. As such it fits into this series of posts quite well. If you’re interested in much more information on gingerbread, men and otherwise, I suggest these sites:

http://easteuropeanfood.about.com/od/crossculturaldesserts/a/gingerhistory.htm

http://ezinearticles.com/?Fun-Christmas-Facts—The-History-of-Gingerbread-Men&id=5368665

As for Christmas cookies in general, I wasn’t able to find any definitive source for when they really originated, save for the assumed fact that gingerbread was likely one of the first kinds of cookies made for Christmas.

 

What they are:

Gingerbread men are gingerbread cookies cut into the rough shape of a human figure and decorated with frosting or other edible sweets, such as candied fruits or candy.

Other Christmas cookies tend to be much simpler, normally a sugar cookie cut into a cheerful shape and frosted, occasionally with sprinkles on top.

 

How to ruin them:

First we’ll tackle gingerbread men.

 The dough:

Gingerbread is fairly simple to make, a lot of ingredients, but nothing too strange, like wise the process of making the dough is straight forward. This helps as we have a much easier time ruining it if we don’t have to worry about special directions to follow.

A normal gingerbread calls for molasses and ginger. Instead of this, simply take several cans of ginger ale and boil it down into a thick syrup. To get the normal dark color, add a can of root beer or Worcestershire sauce.

Cloves and cinnamon are also staples in gingerbread. Use cinnamon candies instead and just toss in whole cloves, its much more health if you have to chew through something don’t you think?

You can always throw nearly anything else you have into the gingerbread, the strong taste of ginger is easily capable of hiding other flavors. You might consider adding broccoli to your gingerbread, I only suggest you chop it finely.

Cutting gingerbread men:

Don’t limit yourself to normal looking gingerbread men, make gingerbread zombies by leaving off a limb or the head.

 Frosting them:

The frosting in the best way to ruin gingerbread men. Use of cayenne powder is strongly encouraged. If you need a dark-colored frosting just use soy sauce. Red frosting? Tomato paste works great.

If you decided to go for zombie gingerbread men or some kind of mutated gingerbread men, don’t worry about where you put the features, be creative and mix it up. Eyes on the right foot? No problem.

 

Sugar cookies:

Sugar cookies pose problems for everyone, it’s hard to make them that aren’t ruined no matter what you’re going for, so why mot just have some fun?

The dough doesn’t offer many opportunities to ruin these cookies, so use a normal recipe.

Cutting shapes:

The shapes of the cookies can help ruin them. Consider digging out Halloween cookie cutters, there’s nothing like biting into a witch on a broomstick on Christmas eve.

Pumpkins are also good, as are nearly any other cutters that aren’t Christmas in nature.

Baking:

Over bake them, it doesn’t much matter as long as they aren’t burned, if you do burn them, just say that you made gingerbread cookies.

You should manage to get a nice, hard cookie that can nearly break your tooth, that’s what you’re looking for in a ruined cookie.

 Frosting:

Frosting sugar cookies is the best place to ruin them. Change the frosting by adding any of these:

  • Tomato paste
  • Cola
  • Root beer
  • Curry powder
  • Garlic
  • Onion powder
  • Cumin

Any one of those will ruin the frosting quite well, two or more might result in the universe being destroyed along with the cookie.

Instead of sprinkles, try using granulated garlic or onion powder. Coffee grounds can also be used in moderation, as can pepper flakes if you desire to add a bit of spice to your cookies.

Any of these suggestions should work with any other kind of cookies you might want to ruin for Christmas.

 

There you go, sure-fire ways to ruin gingerbread men and sugar cookies.

Thanks for reading and I hope you’ll join me again next Saturday night when I ruin another helpless food.

Please feel free to comment with your own suggestions on ruining gingerbread men and other Christmas cookies.

 

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