How to ruin any food: French toast

Tonight we’re going to ruin french toast.  French toast is an interesting food, bread dipped and fried with powdered sugar and/or syrup poured over it, it should offer several interesting ways to be ruined.

Are you ready?

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

 The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

History:

Interestingly enough french bread does not have its origins in France, it actually dates back to the days of Ancient Rome. The earliest reference to french toast is said to be in a 4th century cook book.

In France, French toast is known as pain perdu, which translates as lost bread due to how it normally is made with stale bread.

 

What it is:

French toast is basically a slice of bread (normally stale or day old bread) that has been dipped into a milk and egg mixture and fried, it is typically served with powdered sugar and syrup on top, though some countries have their own way of serving it that can be savory as well.

 

Interesting information:

More interesting information on french toast, both the history and some variations can be found at the following sites:

http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2010/11/french-toast-was-not-invented-in-france/

http://www.foodreference.com/html/a-french-toast-history.html

http://www.cheftalk.com/t/8142/the-origin-of-the-french-toast

 

How to ruin it:

Obviously ruining french toast will take a bit of forethought, there are several ways to ruin it, from the bread, the toppings, the dipping liquid and even the frying.

 The Bread:

To ruin the bread, I’d like to first refer you my earlier post on ruining bread: https://mageowl.wordpress.com/2014/09/21/how-to-ruin-any-food-bread

With french toast, also consider using bread that wouldn’t normally lend itself to something sweet, like rye bread, onion rolls and any bread with seeds in it.

The next way to use the bread to ruin french toast is to only use the crusts, just cut the hard crust off a full loaf of bread, including the heels of course. Few people enjoy bread crusts after all.

Milk and egg dip:

The milk and egg dip is one of the most important parts of french bread, it softens the bread. Luckily it is also very easy to ruin.

First off, use sour milk, if you don’t have any or don’t want to, consider these alternatives:

  • Sour cream
  • Lemonade
  • Root beer
  • Guacamole
  • Alfredo sauce
  • Hot sauce
  • Salsa
  • Spaghetti sauce
  • Ginger ale
  • Molasses

Any of those will do, however you need to make sure you pair them with the right toppings, for example: you don’t want to pair spaghetti sauce dipped french bread with Parmesan cheese and meatballs.

As for the egg part of the dip, there are really only two options: cream Easter eggs or eggplant. Either one will help ruin it, only remember to pair it with the toppings carefully.

Frying:

While frying french bread doesn’t sound like a likely candidate for ruining french bread, I do have a tip or two for you:

  1. Over cook it, a blackened slice of french toast is almost perfectly ruined.
  2. Olive oil has a bit of a taste to it, more so than most other oils, use it carefully and you’ll ruin your french toast easily.
Toppings:

Here’s where the fun lies, the toppings! This is where anything and everything can happen. You can perfectly ruin your french toast before you even get here, but this part can add that one bit of something that you were missing.

On the other hand, if you only want to use toppings to ruin your french toast, that’s fine as well, though it’s much more fun to mix all of these options together to make one extra ruined piece of french toast.

Just remember to pair these toppings carefully with any of the other things you did to ruin the french toast. A few of these were in also in the dipping section.

I’ve divided this section up to help you a bit.

                Liquid toppings:
  • Chocolate syrup
  • Spaghetti sauce
  • Cheese sauce
  • Italian dressing
  • French dressing
  • Ranch dressing
  • Blue cheese dressing
  • Carrot juice
  • Root beer
  • Ginger ale
  • Alfredo sauce
  • Hot chocolate
  • Hot sauce
  • Salsa
  • Mustard
                Dry toppings:
  • Meatballs and Parmesan cheese
  • Flour
  • Cornstarch
  • Celery seeds
  • Dill seeds
  • A diced hotdog
  • Onion (diced or sliced)
  • Diced pepper
  • Chocolate chips
  • Crushed tortilla chips
  • Pretzels
  • Potato chips

I think that is a good list. I think that any of these changes should easily be able to ruin your next batch of french toast.

Thanks for reading, I hope you’ve enjoyed this post as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Please feel free to leave any suggestions for future foods I should ruin in the comments.

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