How to ruin any food: Guacamole

Guacamole, a dish that sounds like an insult.  Tonight we’re looking at this simple dish, like it or hate it, you have undoubtedly encountered it sometime during your culinary explorations. Tonight we’ll take it and ruin it, by the time we’re finished you’ll never look at it the same way again… are you ready to begin?

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

 The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

History:

Guacamole is a dish that traces its history to the Aztecs. After they were conquered by Spanish Conquistadors, guacamole managed to travel to Europe, however a lack of avocado trees caused its adoption to be stunted away from Mexico until the twentieth century.

 

What it is:

Guacamole at it’s most basic is mashed avocados with a bit of onion, tomato and other seasonings mixed in. More complicated versions exist.

 

How to ruin it:

Now we come to the fun part, ruining it!

First off, we’ll start with the avocados themselves, while there isn’t much we can do to them, we can bake them until they dry out and burn, which is a good beginning.

Let’s move to the other ingredients that normally go into guacamole. We have tomatoes, peppers, lemon juice, onions, maybe garlic and cilantro.

Cilantro is one herb that people either love or hate, if you know the people you’re serving it to do not like cilantro, use as much as you possibly can, otherwise it’s your choice.

Tomatoes give us a few interesting options, we could roast them, but that won’t really affect our guacamole, we can choose extra sweet tomatoes, or the most acidic tomatoes we can find. I’d recommend basing your choice on what extra ingredients you plan on using.

Peppers, now here’s one thing that will help ruin our guacamole, at least for many people. We want to get the hottest peppers possible, I’d recommend at least ten ghost peppers finely chopped, per cup of avocado, even those of us who like our food spicy and can enjoy hot peppers will find that a bit much.

Onions, just get the strongest possible.

Garlic, the more the merrier.

Now we can get to our interesting additions, any of these should change the taste of your guacamole even if you start with normal guacamole.

  • Chocolate chips
  • Peas
  • Marsh mellows
  • Carrots
  • Pineapple (diced)
  • Sage
  • Rosemary
  • Apples (diced)
  • Grapefruit
  • Oatmeal
  • Potatoes (diced or chopped)
  • Mozzarella cheese
  • Bananas
  • Pears
  • Candy sprinkles
  • Bleu cheese

If you add three or more of those items, you’ll find yourself with an interesting guacamole that you can safely call ruined.

One last thing you can do is to change what you serve it with. Instead of tortilla chips, use one of the following:

  • Vanilla wafers
  • Slices of apples
  • French fries
  • Ribs
  • Kale chips
  • Watermelon

 

If you want to get really fancy, try the following recipe, though it might be a stretch to call it guacamole:

 

Mash two potatoes and two bananas. Mix in a tablespoon each of ginger, black pepper, rosemary and Worcestershire sauce.

Add enough green food coloring to make it look like an avocado was used. Add in a half cup of root beer. Stir in two scoops of mint chocolate chip ice cream until the mixture has an even consistency.

Dice one avocado and sprinkle on top, serve with your favorite meal or as a side dish with tortilla chips.

 

I hope these idea help you the next time you’re looking to ruin a batch of guacamole.

I hope this leaves you looking forward to next Saturday when I’ll be ruining another food. Thanks for reading!

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4 thoughts on “How to ruin any food: Guacamole

      1. I love your food ruining posts – they’re great for my diet. 😀 The taste of the peas is virtually undectable in guacamole so if you ever have a shortage of avos and a big party happening they’re perfect.

        Like

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