How to ruin any food: Beverages: Hot Chocolate

Tonight a tragic event will occur, I’m going to ruin Hot Chocolate. If you’ve read my blog before you’ll know how much I enjoy hot chocolate, I talk about it nearly every week. Tonight I’m going to ruin it. I humbly apologize to everyone who loves a nice cup of hot chocolate.

As always, just a quick note about this post before we begin:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

 The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation. Any attempt to ingest the substances described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

History:

Hot chocolate has been around for a long time, centuries in fact. The first chocolate drink was made by the Mayans, though it wasn’t until the Aztecs had been conquered by the Spaniards that a drink similar to what we know today began to take form.

The Mayans drank a chocolate drink made from cacao beans, chili peppers and wine. This drink lasted through the time of the Aztecs.

The Spanish added sugar to the drink, but milk seems to have been added by the English some time during the 1700s, thus bringing to us today the drink we know as hot chocolate.

What it is:

Hot chocolate is basically any chocolaty drink with milk and sugar served hot, however some people insist that there is a difference between hot chocolate and hot cocoa, depending on whether its made from cocoa powder or melted chocolate.

Whipped cream or marshmallows are commonly added on top of hot chocolate, though some people may prefer a dusting of cinnamon.

How to ruin it:

Ruining hot chocolate isn’t the easiest thing to do, however I’m going to do my best.

Regardless of whether you’re melting chocolate or using cocoa powder, the chocolate part can’t really be changed significantly.

The milk can be changed, however. The simplest way to change it is to use soured milk, which can be made with a bit of lemon juice or vinegar. To ruin hot chocolate, you’ll want the sourest milk possible.

Next consider what else can be added to the hot chocolate without being seen, perhaps a bit of root beer with the milk, another possibility would be soy sauce as it won’t be too visible, there are many other options as well.

Another way to ruin hot chocolate would be to make it closer to what the Aztecs drank; no milk or sugar, just chocolate and water with some hot sauce. If you want to spice it up a notch, puree a ghost pepper and add it.

The topping is by far the easiest place to ruin a cup of hot chocolate, no matter how you like to top it.

If you enjoy a sprinkling of cinnamon on top, substitute curry powder or cumin.

If you like whipped cream, use sour cream instead.

If you enjoy marshmallows on top, first moisten the marshmallows and roll them in powdered horseradish.

Now if you have a cup of hot chocolate ready, marshmallows all ready melting and suddenly decide that you need to ruin it, don’t worry, I’ve got a way for you to ruin it:

Pour a small amount of vinegar over the top and stir slightly, you’ll want to add enough vinegar so you think you’re eating a salt and vinegar potato chip.

 

Now we have ruined hot chocolate. Never again will anyone look at a nice cup of hot chocolate without wondering if someone has ruined it.

Thanks for reading.

Join me again next Saturday when I’ll be ruining another food.

 

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