How to ruin any food: Ham sandwich

As I promised at the beginning of the year, I’m going to revisit some of the foods I’ve all ready ruined and improve on them. So tonight I’m going to begin, first with ham sandwiches.

If you remember several months ago (4/27/2014 to be precise) I ruined sandwiches ( http://wp.me/p3pFIg-c7 ) . That was just a general ruination of sandwiches, I have decided to ruin individual sandwiches now, so to start we’re going to ruin ham sandwiches tonight.

Shall we begin?

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

History:

Ham sandwiches seem to date back to at least the 1840s, when Elizabeth Leslie’s “Directions for Cookery was published. However it is likely that ham was one of the first kinds of sandwiches made.

 

What it is:

A ham sandwich at it’s most basic is a slice of ham between to slices of bread. Many people enjoy a hot ham sandwich with cheese melted on it.

How to ruin it:

Ruining a ham sandwich isn’t as hard as it might seem. There are several ways to ruin it, from the bread to the ham itself, as well as anything you might want on top of it, they can all be ruined to one point or another.

 Bread:

To ruin the bread for a ham sandwich, I suggest any of the breads I ruined last September ( http://wp.me/p3pFIg-jA) or using something unhammy, such as corn tortillas, if you really want to ruin it quickly and you don’t made a bit of a mess, use a cinnamon roll cut in half, it’ll be sticky, gooey and it won’t taste good with mustard.

Ham:

Yes, I did say you can ruin the ham, it takes a bit of work, but it can be done. First off you need to get a whole ham and cook it, next cut off the rind of the ham, it’s nearly inedible and perfect for ruining a ham sandwich.

The other way to ruin the ham is to cut most of the fat off a ham and use that in your sandwich, it’ll be unappetizing to say the least.

Mustard:

What good is a ham sandwich without mustard? It’s quite easy to ruin mustard, simply add a strange food color to it, say blue or green.

You can also make your own mustard and add an unusual spice to it, such as nutmeg or even cocoa powder. Either one should ruin a ham sandwich nicely.

Cheese:

There’s really only a few cheeses that are universally derided, try Limburger. Another smelly cheese is Epoisses. In general, when ruining the cheese in a ham sandwich, the smellier the better.

Vegetables:

Vegetables are a topping that is quite popular on ham sandwiches. I’ll give you a few ideas for to ruin the more popular ones:

Lettuce: Let it wilt, also sprinkle it with salt and pepper to simulate sand.

Tomato: Choose a bi-color or green tomato, this is best done for someone who only knows about red or yellow tomatoes as they will think it’s under ripe.

Cucumbers: Once again, allow it to get soft, I suggest peeling and slicing it and socking it in saltwater to remove more water from it.

 

I hope that this have given you a few ideas of how to ruin a ham sandwich. There are plenty of other ways to ruin it, I’m sure, what can you come up with?

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this post and I hope you’ll join me again next week as we ruin another food!

 

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