How to ruin any food: Baked potatoes

Tonight I’m going to show you how to ruin baked potatoes, some times called loaded baked potatoes. If you like potatoes, don’t read this post. If you enjoy humor, hate potatoes and really hate having to serve baked potatoes to guests, read on!

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

History:

The history of baked potatoes is linked to the history of the potato, of course. Baking a potato was probably the first way it was eaten.

The history of the potato dates to back to the Incas, it is claimed. While there are many theories about where the potato was invented, the Inca are widely credited with first domesticating the humble potato.

Here’s an interesting site with facts about potatoes you might enjoy: http://www.potatogoodness.com/all-about-potatoes/potato-fun-facts-history/

 

What it is:

A baked potato is just that: a potato that has been baked until the inside is soft and easy to fluff up. It is typically topped with butter, sour cream, cheese among other items.

 

How to make it:

To make a normal baked potato, bake a potato in your oven (or on your grill) until it slightly squeezes easily (you’ll want to use a pot holder to squeeze it). Cut it open and fluff up the inside. Add a liberal amount of butter, then sour cream. Sprinkle the top with cheese and chives.

 

How to ruin it:

Ruining baked potatoes is quite simple, however you do have to use your imagination a bit.

The potato:

The first thing you should do is choose a potato unsuited to baking. Anything thin is a good option.  Also you want something very hard or very soft.

If you have a hard potato, cook it only slightly, the harder it is the better for ruining a baked potato.

If you have a soft potato, bake it extra long until there isn’t much left to it.

The butter:

The butter is a key part of any baked potato.  To ruin a baked potato, I suggest not using butter at all, substitute, which we’ll get to in a moment, first I want to talk about ways to ruin your butter.

With warm butter, mix blue and green food coloring into it using a mixer.

You can also mix in root beer into your butter the same way, your butter might be a bit thinner once it sets up again, you might need to freeze it for a bit if you use too much root beer.

If you choose not to use butter, I have some suggestions for you:

  • Shortening works well, it’s similar to butter as it’ll melt, but taste wise it’s enough to ruin a baked potato.
  • Grease from hamburger or other meat, it’s nasty enough that it’ll ruin a baked potato, plus you won’t have to dispose of it another way.
  • Lard, it’s like grease, only better, or nastier depending on your point of view.
  • Margarine, it’s not butter and it’s not good for you, it doesn’t even taste good, perfect for ruining a baked potato!

 

The Sour Cream:

Sour cream is too normal, it can’t even be ruined, or at least I haven’t figured out a way yet. Luckily I have some substitutions for you:

  • Vanilla ice cream, it looks almost like sour cream, but it doesn’t taste like it!
  • Cream cheese, it’s not sour cream, but it looks almost like it, best of all it has no real taste.
  • Vanilla frosting, a sweet treat that will fool people every time.

 

The Cheese:

Cheese is even easier, just change from cheddar to something nasty, such a cottage cheese or Limburger.  A few other cheeses to consider:

  • Livarot Munster
  • Schloss
  • Epoisses
  • Blue Stilton

You can of course use any other kind of cheese that stinks or tastes horrible.

The Chives:

Instead of chives, use anything that’s green and doesn’t go with your other changes. For example, add something sweet to confuse people’s tastes, unless you use root beer butter, in which case you might want something a bit sourer.

 

I think that covers the basics of ruining baked potatoes. I’m sure these ideas will be enough to keep you busy ruining baked potatoes for a while at least.

Do you have an interesting way to ruin baked potatoes? Let me know in the comments.

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this post and I hope you’ll join me again next week as we ruin another food!

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One thought on “How to ruin any food: Baked potatoes

  1. Pingback: A ruined St. Patrick day meal – Mageowl's Blog

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