How to ruin any food: Brownies

Tonight we’re going to ruin brownies, those gooey, chocolaty bites of delight that everyone loves. Why am I doing this? Because you can’t enjoy food without also knowing how to ruin it.

Are you ready?

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

History:

Brownies are an excellent food for this series as they history of them is as far from clear as any I have tackled so far.

From what I’ve been able to find out, there are at least six credible origins for brownies, some of them only share the name, some are closer to what we eat today.

Some sources put the Colombian Exposition in 1893 as the origin of the brownies, a few sources narrow it down to the Palmer House hotel that year that they were invented.

Other sources say that they weren’t invented until between 1905 – 1907, during that time at least two or more cookbooks published  recipes close to what we enjoy today.

So while we don’t know who invented brownies, why they were invented or even when they were invented, we can still be happy that someone managed to create them so we can enjoy them today.

If you’re interested in a bit more about the many origins of brownies, I suggest these two sites as being the most complete:

 

http://www.thenibble.com/reviews/main/cookies/cookies2/history-of-the-brownie.asp

 

http://ushistoryscene.com/article/brownies/

 

What they are:

Brownies are a dessert that is a fudgy cake-like baked good. They often have nuts in them (unfortunately), also they are topped with either a light frosting (although a thick frosting is preferable) or a sprinkling of powdered sugar.

How to make them:

Brownies are very simple to make, here are the ingredients followed by an easy way and a hard way to make them, try them both and see which you prefer.

1/2 cup butter
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
vanilla
1/2 cup cocoa powder
11/2 cup flour
Salt, a pinch or two.
1/2 tsp baking powder

Easy way:
Cream the butter and sugar, add the cocoa powder and flour, salt and vanilla, mix until smooth and pour into a pan, bake at 350°

Hard way

Melt butter in a pan, stir in sugar and eggs, add vanilla, beat in first the cocoa powder, then flour, finally add in the baking powder and salt. Pour into baking pan and bake at 350° until a knife comes out mostly clean in the center, about 20-25 minutes
When the brownies are done, take out and let cool. If dusting with powdered sugar do so while still warm. If frosting, wait until they are mostly cool so the frosting doesn’t melt.

How to ruin them:

Brownies are very simple to make, while this some times makes it harder to ruin foods, this time we’re lucky and they are simple to ruin. We can simplify things by dividing our options into two groups, additions and replacements.

Additions:

What better way to ruin food than to add things to it that shouldn’t be there?

‘Nuts’

  •  Nuts are commonly added to brownies, we’ll just take this to another level, like thus:

Take one full coconut, place in center of pan, pour brownie batter around it.

Fruits:

Many people also add fruits to brownies, however this can easily ruin a brownie, try on these ideas for adding fruits to brownies to ruin them:

  • Tomatoes
  • Avocados
  • Cucumbers
  • Zucchini (long slices, not chopped)

There are many other fruits that you can add, but those should give you a few ideas.

 

Replacements:

 

Replacing a single ingredient or two can easily ruin a batch of brownies.

Sugar:

Instead of using sugar, add salt, it’s still grainy and will result in a nice ruined brownie for you and your guests to enjoy.

If you don’t want to use a cup of salt, try these instead:

  • One can of root beer, increase baking time  three-fold.
  • Black pepper.
  • Cinnamon
  • Powdered Lemonade mix

Any of those can easily ruin your next batch of brownies.

 

Chocolate:

What makes brownies brown? The chocolate of course, try these chocolate replacements, your brownies might not be quite as dark, but they will be ruined!

  • Soy sauce
  • Worcestershire sauce
  • Saute your flour until it’s burnt, this will result in a dark brownie with a delicate burnt taste.
  • Coffee grounds, the older the better.

That about does it for tonight, I think that I’ve given you enough ideas to ruin brownies for one day. I hope you enjoy!

Can you think of any way I missed? Let me know in the comments!

I hope you’ll join me again next Saturday night when I ruin another food!

Thanks for reading!

 

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6 thoughts on “How to ruin any food: Brownies

    1. Whatever works for you, myself, I don’t really think lips in brownies work, might be a bit bloody. You could use wax lips I suppose… Oh, you meant as you were eating them, didn’t you?
      Thanks for reading my blood, I’m glad you enjoyed it!

      Like

  1. Pingback: How to ruin any food: A look back at Summer | Mageowl's Blog

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