How to ruin any food: Baked beans

Baked beans, one of the ultimate summer foods. Why are they a summer food you ask? Mostly because they are simple, easy to heat, they require little preparation and cook relatively quickly. Tonight we will ruin them, never again shall you look at the humble baked bean in the same way, are you ready?

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

History:

The history of baked beans is one of the strangest one’s I’ve run across, both because of the little information available and the fact that three different rumors are quoted equally often:

  1. They were either created by the Native Americans before Columbus made his voyage.
  2. 2. Invented by 1800’s church goers who were forbidden from cooking on Sundays.
  3. Invented by the French in the 1560s.

I personally believe that they were invented in 2022 during the first time travel accidents and the recipe scattered back through time.

Unfortunately my theory has just as much proof as the other theories. I’m very much afraid that we’ll never learn the truth behind baked beans, unless someone else has a lot of time to research the subject.

What they are:

Baked beans are beans, normally pinto or navy beans, that are baked in a tomato based sauce. Bacon is often added. Some times they are simply poured out of a can, but there are numerous recipes  for them available.

How to make them:

A basic baked bean recipe goes something like this:

  • Beans
  • Tomato sauce
  • Brown sugar
  • Spices
  • Vinegar
  • Mustard

Soak your beans overnight or at least for a few hours until they have softened. Mix your tomato sauce with the rest of the ingredients, add the beans, pour into a pan and bake until the beans are soft and ready to eat.

Some people use barbecue sauce or ketchup instead of tomato sauce.

How to ruin them:

When ruin baked beans, once again there are four areas to choose from; the beans, the bacon, the sauce and the spices.

Beans:

The beans are the easiest place to ruin baked beans, also it is the fastest way.

First off don’t soak your beans, nor cook them very long, the resulting beans will be rock hard and inedible. If serving to guests, make sure you have them sign a dental release before eating.

Use jelly beans, no one has ever said these are not real beans.

Use garbanzo beans, while not a true bean, they are called that, so it is legally still baked beans if you use them.

Add corn or barley to your beans, the difference in texture will ruin your baked beans.

The next way is to soak or beans in a liquid other than water, such as:

  • Root beer, this will give them an interesting taste.
  • Lemonade, this will be an interesting taste, plus refreshing on a hot day
  • Soy sauce, they will be salty and nasty to eat.

One other way to ruin your beans is to soak them in any name brand cola for a week or two before cooking them, there will be little if anything left by that point, effectively ruining them before you begin.

Bacon:

While there isn’t much you can do to bacon, I have two suggestions. First soak your bacon in blue or green food coloring, add it at the last-minute and watch as it looks like you used moldy bacon to make your baked beans, an easy way to ruin the dish if I do say so myself.

The other way is to substitute sardines or anchovies in place of the bacon, between the saltiness, the odd  texture, the fishy smell and taste, it will ruin your baked beans.

Sauce:

The sauce is perhaps the way to ruin baked beans that most people would choose, mostly because it is still simple and takes no ingredients that you might not have.

  • Strawberry syrup with chocolate sauce added for color, if used with jelly beans it may in fact improve the taste.
  • Plenty of Horseradish
  • A full jar of strong mustard
  • Spaghetti sauce, not what  you think of when you think baked beans and will ruin it, unless served with grated Parmesan, in which case you’ve just invented a new fusion food that will make millions, in which case please remember to credit me.

Spices:

Spices are another way to ruin baked beans.

  • Cinnamon
  • Ginger
  • Cloves
  • Cocoa powder
  • Basil

There are many other spices you could use as well, I would suggest using spices normally used with desserts.

 

That’s all the ways I have for tonight, did I forget your favorite way to ruin them? Let me know in the comments below!

I hope you enjoyed this post, thanks for reading!

 

 

Advertisements

One thought on “How to ruin any food: Baked beans

  1. Pingback: How to ruin any food: A look back at Summer | Mageowl's Blog

Do you have anything to say?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s