How to ruin any food: Pizza crust

Tonight I’m going to help you ruin pizza crust, a very important skill to master, with this one skill, you can ruin an abundance of pizzas, though I’ll admit there are some people who have managed to do this already without my help, such as everyone who has ever sampled a ham and pineapple pizza know.

I hope you’ll find this post useful in enlarging your repertoire of food ruining skills.

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

What it is:

A pizza crust is the bottom of a pizza, what the toppings are put on top of.

Pizza crusts can vary in texture and ingredients. Pizza crusts normally come in three kinds:

  1. Thin and crispy
  2. Thick
  3. Deep dish

They can be made with whole wheat, regular flour, and now even gluten-free crusts are being made.

History of pizza crust:

When one thinks of pizza today, one thinks of Italy, however that wasn’t always the case and in fact the exact history of pizza and pizza crusts is lost in antiquity.

What we do know is that the ancient Greeks and Romans ate a dish very similar to pizza. In the ruins of Pompeii, pizza has been discovered. It had also been discovered in many other places dating even older, which just goes to show that pizza has always been enjoyed.

In the 6th century BC soldiers under Darius the Great ate pizza which they made on their shields on their marches, according to various writings that have survived, many experts believe these writings to be the earliest written evidence of pizzas, they are also perhaps the oldest records of fast food delivery problems.

You might be interested in these links for more fascinating facts about the history of pizza:

http://www.pizzafacts.net/pizza-history/pizza-timeline/

http://whatscookingamerica.net/History/Pizza/PizzaHistory.htm

 

How to make one:

Pizza crusts are relatively easy to make, all you need are a few simple ingredients:

Flour

Yeast

Salt

Water

Mix your flour and yeast together, add a bit of sugar and salt, then add the water, mixing until you get a nice ball of dough that shouldn’t be either to dry or to wet, you might have to adjust your flour and water to find the perfect balance.

Roll it out into a circle, let it rest until it begins to rise and bake at 400° until it’s golden brown.

How to ruin them:

Now we come to the fun part, ruining the crust. While I suppose you could ruin the finished crust by breaking it into pieces before putting your toppings on, I find ruining the dough to be a lot more fun. As always we’ll break it down into separate parts:

Flour:

Ruining the flour is not the easiest thing to do, however by simply adding stuff to the flour we can create a dough that is disgusting.

Try adding raisins to your flour, these will add a bit of unexpected sweetness to your crust, just remember to chop them finely before adding.

Chocolate chips are also a good thing to add, while giving your dough a different flavor, the chocolate should also begin to burn as the crust cooks.

You can also add uncooked rice to your flour, this will add a bit of crispness to your crust and also make it nearly inedible.

Instead of flour, consider using ground pinto beans or dried refried beans.

Yeast/leavening

This is perhaps the best place to ruin your pizza crust. The way yeast works is to create carbon dioxide bubbles that cause the dough to increase in size. We can simply replace the yeast with one of several other things to create the same effect/

Root beer is my go to yeast replacement as it’s always extra fizzy and foamy, just make sure you cut out the water in your recipe. Make sure to bake quickly instead of letting it sit as you would if you were using yeast. You could also use ginger ale or lemon lime pop, however they will not have quite as much fizz to them and your dough might be a bit flatter.

If you really want to get your dough to grow quickly, I suggest using the candy and pop experiment that has been popular over the past several years, just break the candy into pieces, mix into the flour and add your pop, work quickly.

Finally, I suggest leaving out any and all leavening, this will produce a heavy, dense crust that won’t even resemble a normal pizza crust, however it might break your teeth.

General ideas:

A few general ideas to ruin your pizza crust dough:

  • A few drops of blue and green food coloring will make it look like your dough is moldy.
  • If you are making a stuffed crust pizza, consider using Limburger cheese.
  • If you are making a stuffed crust, you can use blue cheese to give it that moldy look.
  • Add spices to your crust, curry powder is always a great taste on pizza.

Baking:

Finally we come to baking. Baking is the key to any pizza crust, I have a few ideas to help your ruin your pizza crust if for some reason you manage to forget to ruin it before you reached this point.

  1. Over bake it at too high of a temperature, you’ll get a burnt crust that is hard, it’ll taste even worse, there by ruining your crust.
  2. Under bake your crust or forget to bake it. A lump of raw dough is ruined in anyone’s eye.
  3. Make your crust very thick and cook normally, the center will still be partly or totally raw, which will be a nasty surprise to your guests, resulting in your crust being classified as ruined.
  4. Put an egg wash over the top before you bake your crust and cover it in salt or sugar, the thicker the better.

That’s all the ways to ruin a pizza crust I have tonight, did I miss any?

What is your favorite (or least favorite) way to ruin a pizza crust?

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this, feel free to comment!

 

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