How to ruin any food: Apple sauce revisited

Tonight we’re revisiting apple sauce. It’s been over a year since I ruined it and I do have a few new ideas. I have several old ideas, I had actually forgotten that I had ruined apple sauce before. However there is a time and place for revisiting everything and tonight it is time to revisit apple sauce.

You may want to begin by rereading the original post: https://mageowl.wordpress.com/2014/09/07/how-to-ruin-any-food-applesauce/

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

What it is:

Apple sauce is, at it’s most basic, pureed apples. Many people season it spices, or dust the top with cinnamon. If the apples are not very sweet, sugar or honey is often added to it.

History:

While the history of apple sauce isn’t any less cloudy as it was last year, several new theories of its origin have been painstakingly unearthed:

  1.  There has been evidence that apples and wooly mammoths may have once co-existed. The result of a stampede of wooly mammoths of a field of fallen apples may have been the first occurrence of apple sauce.
  2. There is new evidence that Issac Newton may have had a much harder head than previously thought, the apple that hit him may have been the first apple to be transformed into apple sauce via gravity.
  3. A Roman galley has been found mostly intact somewhere in the Mediterranean, it appears it sunk during a storm while the crew was drunk of fermented apples, which may be the oldest evidence of apples being sauced by humans.
  4. An English archeologist has expressed a belief that he has found a text dating to the time of King Arthur that shows one of the famous king’s battles took place in an apple orchard during a harvest. Over the next few years legend has it that the apple pickers deliberately ran horses over the freshly picked apples to make apple sauce.

While these rumors have little to no basis in fact, they are worth a chuckle or two. I hope you enjoyed them.

How to make it:

Apple sauce is very easy to make, just peel your apples and puree them, add sugar if needed and top with a dusting of cinnamon if desired.

 

How to ruin it:

Now we arrive at the fun part! Ruining apple sauce! We’ll be breaking it down into the following parts tonight: Cinnamon replacements, Additions, Sweeteners, Apple replacements.

Cinnamon replacements:

Instead of dusting with cinnamon, consider using any of the following:

 

  • Cumin
  • Curry powder
  • Himalayan salt
  • Celery seed

Additions:

There are several things which you can add to your apple sauce to ruin it:

  • Plenty of salt, you can never have too much salt in your apple salt… er, sauce.
  • Soy sauce, it’ll add a bit of saltiness and it’s a sauce in a sauce.
  • Worcestershire sauce, adds a unique taste.
  • Onions, these can also be pureed, they will mix in nicely and the result will smell so good that tears will be in your eyes and those of your guests.
  • Mustard, give your apple sauce a bit of a bit
  • Mustard seeds, gives a bite and stays in your teeth, two ruins for the price of one!
  • Italian seasoning, only true lovers of Italian food will like it… who am I kidding, even they will think it’s ruined!

 

Sweeteners:

Most apple sauce will need at least a bit of sweetening. Consider adding any of these instead of sugar to ruin it:

  • Root beer
  • Lemonade
  • Melted ice cream
  • Chocolate syrup
  • Chocolate chips, if added when apple sauce is cool, the chocolate chips can be mistaken for seeds if they are small enough, which is a bonus for ruining.

 

Apple replacements:

Yes, you can replace the apple in apple sauce! With these options, you’ll still have something that will look similar to apple sauce, but will taste nothing like it, which ruins it.

  • Mashed potatoes
  • Mashed squash
  • Pureed spaghetti noodles
  • Pureed turnips

 

That’s about all the ideas I have for ruining apple sauce this year, did I miss any good ones?

Thanks for reading, have a great weekend!

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2 thoughts on “How to ruin any food: Apple sauce revisited

  1. My grandson has “packets” as snacks. Applesauce-base with an assortment of “hidden” healthy food items blended in. On those occasions when they squirt onto me and I try them, they’re not too bad. I wouldn’t recommend any of your additions, however. Rootbeer? 😀 😀

    Liked by 2 people

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