How to ruin any food: Caramel Apples

Tonight we’re going to ruin caramel apples… no, I’m not promoting dipping electronics into a vat of caramel. I’m talking about those caramel coated apples on a stick. Like them or hate them, you won’t eat one after this post!

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

What it is:

A caramel apple is an apple that has been impaled upon a stick and dipped into a vat of molten caramel. Some people may choose to roll the impaled apple on a tray filled with soft caramel.

Often times the caramel apple is them sprinkled or rolled with toppings, these topping can be varied, nuts are popular, however recently even chocolate chips have been used.

 

History of Caramel Apples:

The history of Caramel Apples is an odd one. There are two camps of thought:

  1. Caramel apples were invented sometime in the 17th or 18th centuries.
  2. Caramel apples were invented in the 1950s by one Dan Walker.

While I was unable to find any definitive proof that caramel apples were around before the 1950s, it seems hard to believe that no one combined caramel and apples before then.

Thus I must assume that the true history of caramel apples is likely lost to time. If anyone has solid evidence one way or the other I would be grateful to hear it.

How to make one:

Take one apple, take a stick (a chopstick works well), do your best Dracula impression and impale the defenseless apple on your stick.

In a pan, melt your caramel, you can either use store-bought caramel or make your own from scratch.

Dip your impaled apple into the caramel, place on waxed paper until dry. If you want you can roll the caramel apple before it’s dry in a topping of your choice.

How to ruin them:

Now we get to the fun part, ruining the food, in this case the caramel apples! Once again I’m dividing this section into four parts: Apple replacements, Caramel replacements, Toppings and More ideas. I hope you enjoy!

Apple replacements:

Consider using any of these foods instead of apples, these will ruin your caramel apples easily… as well as your appetite for a few days.

  • Green tomatoes: these are hard enough to hold up to the caramel, but they will be so strange to bite into that everyone will agree that they are ruined.
  • Raw peeled potatoes: Instant ruin, hands down. If the potato is wet, it might even look like it’s weeping.
  • Onions: These will bring a tear to the eyes of your guests as they bite into them.
  • Turnips: While not the perfect shape or size, I think most people will agree that turnips make everyone turn-up their noses.
  • Radishes: There are small round varieties of radishes that are just about the perfect size to replace apples. These will startle anyone who bites into one.
  • If you want to stay with an apple, use a dried one, it’ll be harder to eat, take more caramel and should ruin the experience for most people.

Caramel replacements:

 

Caramel, while one of the best things in the world, it can also be replaced and ruined.

  • Mix coffee with cream cheese.
  • Make a glaze with soy sauce.
  • Make a glaze with Worcestershire sauce.
  • Use sweet and sour sauce and let sit until dried hard, this may take up to a week.

If you want to use caramel, don’t worry, I have three suggestions on how to ruin it, just add any of these:

  • Curry powder
  • Chill powder
  • Cumin

Toppings:

Toppings, is there anything better than ruining the topping of a caramel apple? Any of these will ruin your caramel apple, I promise.

  • Pepper flake: spicier the better!
  • Ground black pepper: the more the sneezier.
  • Onion flake: it might look like coconut, but it won’t taste like it!
  • Cloves: just don’t ham it up.
  • Uncooked tapioca: just don’t tap on okra instead.
  • Caviar: do these eggs smell fishy?
  • Uncooked rice: isn’t rice always nice?

More ideas:

Yes, I still have two more ideas for ruining you caramel apples!

  • Carefully cut the top of your apple off, hollow out the inside and fill with cheese, I suggest blue cheese or Limburger. Replace the top, impale the apple of our stick and carefully coat it in caramel. Once the caramel hardens it will keep your apple together.
  • Peel your apples the day before you want to coat them. Soak overnight in salt water, allow to dry for at least half an hour before coating in caramel.

 

That’s all the ideas I have for ruining  caramel apples. Did I miss an obvious ones? I hope these ideas have inspired you to ruin some caramel apples this Fall. Do you have a favorite way to ruin caramel apples?? Share it in the comments!

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it! Have a great weekend!

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8 thoughts on “How to ruin any food: Caramel Apples

    1. I tried to figure out a way to add root beer to the caramel, but it seemed to me that it would only improve the taste in this case.
      If you can think of a way to ruin them with root beer, let me know, I was disappointed not to be able to use root beer to ruin it.
      Thanks for reading my blog, I’m glad you enjoyed this post!

      Liked by 1 person

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