How to ruin any food: Whipped cream

Tonight we’re going to ruin whipped cream, that wonderful topping of desserts, additive to many more desserts, something everyone wants to eat by itself and all around great thing to eat any way you can get it.

Why are we ruining whipped cream? Because we can? Because it’s part of so many desserts? Because I’ve ignored it this long? All of those!

Are you ready?

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

What it is:

Whipped cream is basically heavy cream with air beaten into it. If you want a more scientific answer, I’m happy to oblige: When heavy cream (whipping cream) is beaten, air bubbles are forced between the fat of the cream and stick there, doubling the volume of the cream. If the whipping cream is beaten too long, butter will be formed.

History of whipped cream:

The history of whipped cream is an interesting one, the origin of it is lost in time, though there are many theories of when and how it was discovered.

We do have a few facts:

  • Whipped cream was first described in the 16th century.
  • It was originally called ‘Milk snow’
  • It was first made using bundles of branches for a whisk.
  • It could take an hour or more  to  whip cream as the chef would pause every few moments to skim off the whipped cream  before  continuing.

Theories of how it was invented.

  • A horse ride with a half filled container of cream.
  • Not correctly churning butter.

My own theory about the invention or rather discovery of  whipped cream, for that is what really happened, is thus:

On a dairy farm at some point in the distant past, the milk had been collected, it was a cold day, likely winter or fall, before the milk could be made into cheese or butter, there was a strong earthquake and several after shocks that occurred very soon after, the result, besides the damage to the farm and the nearby towns, was a pail full of whipped cream. It likely took several attempts to replicate it, but when it was it became what we know today as whipped cream.

How to make it:

Making whipped cream is very easy, you just take whipping cream and beat it, add a little sugar if you’d like and there you go!

You can beat it with a mixer, with a whisk or if you’re very ambitious, with a fork.

How to ruin it:

Now we arrive at the fun part, ruining our whipped cream. To ruin whipped cream it is almost always necessary to begin with whipping cream, the only times it is not necessary will be under More Ways to Ruin Whipped Cream.

Additions:

The first place to start it with additives or additions to your whipped cream. At first glance this wouldn’t seem to work, however if done right it will, after all sugar is normally added to whipped cream and it is nothing more than an additive, which brings us to our first way to ruin it:

 

Substitute salt for the sugar. This will result in your guests being surprised at first and later horrified, as the saltiness will overwhelm the sweetness of whatever you put your whipped cream on top of. Please note that you need to make sure to add enough salt.

 

A few more additions:

  • Mustard powder – while it will give your whipped cream a slightly yellowish tint, that can help ruin it, plus the taste…
  • Curry powder – again it’ll change the color, but it will ruin it.
  • Cayenne powder – this time it’ll turn slightly red, use enough and you’ll have hot tempers.
  • Black pepper – Not what anyone would think would be in whipped cream, plus the specks of black helps ruin it.
  • Horseradish, powdered – mix well and watch the surprise on the taster’s face!

 

Cream replacements:

Yes, you can replace the cream in whipped cream, it may not foam up as well, but it’s fun anyway.

  • Potato flakes, ground – it won’t get very fluffy, but it’ll ruin it.
  • Egg whites – It’ll get fluffy, but it won’t be the same.
  • Cornstarch – just thicken water and whip well, no taste, no problem, ruined.

One other way to ruin whipped cream takes some skill, but it is possible. First take a can or bottle of root beer, the ones with most foam are best, pour it into a bowl and quickly mix in corn starch*, whip until it gets foamy or fizzy. This is a great way to ruin a cream pie.

  • to allow the cornstarch to mix in better, you may first want to mix it with ginger ale to form a paste.

More Ways to Ruin Whipped Cream:

Yes Virginia, there are more ways to ruin whipped cream! Read on!

 

Whip your cream as normal, when ready to serve, place a light covering of green or blue cotton candy on top, do not press into the whipped cream as it will begin to melt. Tell whoever you serve it to that you whipped the cream a week ago.

 

Take normally whipped cream, before serving add a few drops of blue or green food coloring, do not stir in, allow it to sink in instead, it should appear to be blobs of mold when served.

 

Take your normally whipped cream, use it as normal, such as on top of a slice of pie, however before serving, splash a dash of ketchup over it, if done correctly it will look like blood. A bandage on a finger helps get the idea across.

 

Take your whipped cream and add some beet juice to it, it will become a disgusting red color, ruining it for most people.

 

That’s all the ideas I have for tonight, did I miss any? Let me know in the comments!

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it!

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