How to ruin any food: Roasted turkey

Tonight we’re going to ruin a roasted turkey. Why? Mostly because here in the U.S. it’s nearly Thanksgiving and that’s what everyone eats.

First off I should make sure everyone knows that we’re ruining the fowl turkey, not declaring war on the country or anything like that.*

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

What it is:

A roasted turkey is just that, a turkey that has been roasted in a roasting pan in an oven, periodically basted and cooked to perfection.

History of roasted Turkey:

The history of roasted turkey is basically nonexistent. Luckily I’m here to create the actual history of turkey roasting for you:

Turkeys were first roasted in 10,000 BC, however as it came out dry and gravy hadn’t yet been invented, it was lost to history.

In 50 BC, Julius Caesar sent a legion to North America in search of a rare bird, they brought back a turkey. Julius Caesar was impressed and instantly saw the promise of raising turkeys and cooking them, his over eager chef prepared the bird without realizing that it was the only one in Rome. Julius Caesar planned on sending an expedition back to North America to set up a turkey farm, however a war broke out and the humble turkey was forgotten.

After that it wasn’t until the pilgrims landed in Plymouth that turkeys were roasted again, this time by a bad comedian who had somehow stowed away on the May Flower.

At last an oven was built and turkey roasting became popular, the rest is history.

How to roast a turkey:

Roasting a turkey can be easy or hard. Some people insist of brining their turkeys before cooking them, others just pop it in the over and forget about it. Between these to types of people are numerous variations. Therefore I will not give a recipe for cooking a turkey, instead I suggest you look up a few recipes and see what sounds best to you.

How to ruin a roasted turkey:

Now we come to the fun part, ruining the roasted turkey!

Now a simple way to ruin a roasted turkey is to use ruined gravy, if you wish to go this route, please read my ruining gravy post: https://mageowl.wordpress.com/2015/04/26/how-to-ruin-any-food-gravy/

Otherwise continue reading:

Brine:

If you believe that a brined turkey tastes better, I have a few ways to ruin the brine:

First off, instead of using salt water, use sugar-water, it’ll give your turkey a sweet taste and might even make it crisper, you even have a chance of it becoming caramelized.

The next way is to replace your brine with root beer, it’ll add an interesting flavor to your turkey.

Basting:

All  turkeys need to be basted while they cook, so why not have some fun and change the brine?

  • Root beer – is there anything better than root beer?
  • Ginger ale – nearly as good as root beer.
  • Lemonade – for those in warm climates.
  • Tomato juice – are you sure your turkey is done? Or did you cut yourself while basting the turkey?
  • Chocolate syrup – There are chocolate covered cherries, chocolate covered raisins, why not chocolate  covered turkeys?

While I personally think any of those would be  good  enough, here is  one more basting recipe:
One full bottle each of: Hot sauce, soy sauce, Worcestershire sauce, baste early and often.

Cooking:

Perhaps the simplest method of all! Simply  over or  under cook your turkey. I prefer over cooking it, not covering it while it’s cooking and do not baste it at all, serve without gravy and you have  the perfect ruined turkey!

 

Spices:

Everyone knows that spices are important to cooking and baking, but this will show you how you can ruin something just by changing the spices!

  • Pumpkin spice
  • Allspice
  • Horseradish powder
  • Cinnamon
  • Cloves

Any one or more of the above spices will easily ruin a turkey, there are many more as well, play around and see what  you  can come up with.

Stuffing:

Most  people stuff their turkeys, here are  three  ways to ruin the  stuffing:

  1. One bag or box of your choice brand cereal, with marshmallows.
  2. Whole, unpeeled, unwashed, potatoes.
  3. Quarter five onions, unpeeled, mix with bread crumbs moisten with root beer.

A few more ideas:

Yes, I have a few more ideas, I hope you enjoy these too:

  • Loosen the skin of your turkey, instead of butter, add small marshmallows.
  • Once your turkey is ready, dust with  powdered sugar.
  • Steal the old joke from Groucho Marx,  change it a bit and tell your guests that the turkey is fresh, say ‘I shot it in my overcoat this morning, how it got into my over coat I’ll never know’, as you set down a covered tray with a coat sleeve hanging out from under the cover. Note: you don’t really have a turkey under there, just a coat.

While that last one doesn’t really ruin the actual turkey, it should ruin your guests appetite, which is nearly as good.

 

Did I miss your favorite way to ruin a roasted turkey? Let me know in the comments.

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this post as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Have a great rest of the weekend.

 

*Reference to the Doctor Who 2007 Christmas special “Voyage of the Damned” just in case you were curious.

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