How to ruin any food: Fudge

Tonight we’re going to ruin fudge. Yes, you read that right, fudge. While it might be a staple of winter months and holidays, it can be ruined any time of the year.

I apologize to everyone who loves fudge, which is nearly everyone in the world come to think about it.

Are you ready?

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

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What it is:

Fudge is a very taste kind of chocolate candy. When made perfectly, it’s light and melts in your mouth.

 

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History of Fudge:

The history of fudge is about normal for the foods I ruin, in that it is not exactly certain who invented it, when it was invented or ever where it was invented, however there are several theories.:

  1. In the Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island, Michigan, a candy maker accidentally ruined a batch of chocolate fondue and created Fudge.
  2. Someone in Baltimore Maryland somehow created fudge and began selling it. This is very vague and I put very little faith in it.
  3. Someone was making caramels and somehow made a tasty error that resulted in fudge. Again this is very vague and hard to put much faith into to.
  4. It is also possible that fudge is not an American invention as is widely believed, but is instead related to a Scottish confection called Tablet.

If you’re interested in more in-depth information about the history of fudge, I suggest the following websites:

http://www.bbgees.com/History_of_Fudge_Explained.html

http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-the-history-of-fudge.htm

 

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How to make it:

I believe there are at least two fudge recipes for every person alive.

While that may be an exaggeration, there are many recipes for fudge and everyone says that they have the best recipe. I am not going to take sides in making good fudge, instead I’m focusing on ruining it.

However there are a few things all fudges have in common:

  1. Chocolate
  2. Sugar
  3. Milk (regular or sweetened condensed)

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How to ruin it:

Ruining fudge is very easy, perhaps easier than anything else I’ve ruined.

Sugar replacements:

Replacing the sugar is by far the easiest way to ruin or fudge:

  • Flour
  • Cornstarch
  • Salt

Additions:

Many people add nuts to their fudge, if this is what you do, congratulations! You’ve already ruined your fudge!

For those of you who enjoy nuts in your fudge (which is my mind is just… well, nuts), try adding any of these additions instead:

  • Mushrooms.
  • Olives.
  • Whole cherry tomatoes.
  • Bell peppers, chopped.

If you enjoy adding coconut to your fudge, which is slightly less objectionable than nuts, try these instead:

  • Grated horse-radish
  • Dry spaghetti noodles, broken.
  • Grated Parmesan cheese
  • Thinly sliced onions.

Spices:

Spices are another easy way to ruin a batch of fudge, consider any of these:

  • Mustard seed
  • Pepper flakes
  • Curry powder
  • Chili powder
  • Cumin, ground or whole seed
  • Celery seed
  • Rosemary
  • Sage
  • Garlic powder

There are many other savory spices that you can add as well.

Other ways:

There are a few other ways to ruin your next batch of fudge that do not fit anywhere else:

  • Over cook it: while very simple, this will result in fudge that doesn’t turn out.
  • Under cook it: This will result in a batch of fudge that won’t set up and will instead be soupy.
  • Replace the milk with root beer.
  • Add mayonnaise.
  • Leave out the chocolate and add soy sauce for coloring.

That’s about all the ideas I have for tonight for ruining fudge. Do you have any ideas for ruining fudge? Let me know in the comments!

Thanks for reading!

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7 thoughts on “How to ruin any food: Fudge

  1. The Impatient Cook’s Guide to Fudge

    –Dump 20 oz of dark chocolate chips into a large nonstick frying pan and turn the stove burner to the lowest setting possible, like WARM or LOW.

    –When it’s 3/4 of the way melted, remove from burner and stir in 14 oz. of sweetened condensed milk and then 1/4 cup good booze (bourbon is kinda freakin’ awesome here).

    –Pour into aluminum lined 8″x 8″ pan.

    –Find the will to let it set for an hour in the fridge.

    –Lose will, eat several corners “to see if it tastes alright.”

    –Take nap.

    –Wake up, remember there’s more fudge, lift fudge out of pan by aluminum foil, flip over on cutting block, remove aluminum foil, and cut into 1″ squares.

    –Eat the unevenly cut ones for quality control.

    –Take another nap.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Eating homemade chocolate-covered rumballs as…(chomp)…we…(slurp)…speak.

        You can make chocolate bark in no time, too. Just melt a bag of chips, spread it on some aluminum foil on a baking sheet, and press whatever you want into the top. I usually go with crumbled pretzels and peppermint candy bits around this time of year. Then, see if you can wait until it’s completely set in the fridge. I’ve never been able to do it.

        Liked by 1 person

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