How to ruin any food: 3 bean soup

Welcome back to How to Ruin any food! I enjoyed my food mash-ups, but it’s time to get back to ruining food (at least for this week).

Tonight we’re going to ruin 3 bean soup, though I suppose you could say three bean soup instead, either way you write it, it’s the same soup, or at least it was until tonight! I hope you enjoy!

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

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What it is:

3 bean soup is a soup consisting of a broth, seasonings and of course beans, normally navy and kidney beans, oddly enough most recipes you find do not use a third type of bean.

 

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History of 3 bean soup:

Unfortunately the origin of 3 bean soup and in fact any bean soup is nearly impossible to discover. Soup in general seem to have been invented as soon as the means to boil water came around. Beans also seem to have been around for such a long time that the history of how a bean fell into boiling water for the first time is lost.

That does not mean that we can’t imagine what might have happened, thus I have three theories:

  1. Some one was trying to soften dried beans up for a meal long ago and was in a hurry, decided to put them in hot water to see if the beans would be ready sooner.
  2. Some one, seeing the possible benefits of a soup made with beans boiled some dried beans.
  3. A large earthquake knocked a sack of dried beans into a pot of boiling water, not wanting to waste food, or perhaps being unable to afford to waste it, the owner of the beans and water ate the soup and decided they enjoyed it.

There are of course several more ways that bean soups could have been invented, however these three seem likeliest.

If you know of any other ideas behind bean soups, please share them in the comments.

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How to make it:

At the most basic, 3 bean soup is little more than beans and broth with a few seasonings tossed in. Recipes abound and it seems everyone has a favorite, so I won’t even try to offer a recipe for a good batch of 3 bean soup.

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How to ruin it:

Now we come to the fun part: ruining the soup! This is what you’ve been waiting for, in a few moments you’ll know how to ruin your next batch of 3 bean soup.

Bean replacements:

The first thing to change is the beans, while many recipes only call for two kinds of beans, we’re going to go all out and ruin 3 bean soup that contains all three beans!

  • Jelly beans – Chose your favorite three flavors!
  • Garbanzo beans – A bean is a bean, right? Use with any two other beans.
  • Green beans – Still a bean.
  • Meatballs made from kidney, navy and pinto beans – all three beans mixed into one, simple yet fun.
  • Miniature marshmallows who said you have to make bean soup with beans? These are small enough to almost look like beans. Serve this soup cold and add the marshmallows at the end.

Broth replacements:

Next we turn to the broth, as this is a soup, the broth is important, possible even more important than the beans:

  • Root beer – root beer… need I say more?
  • Lemon juice – tart and tangy, just what a soup needs.
  • Grape juice – for when you need your soup purple in color, it adds an interesting taste to the beans as well.
  • Melted vanilla ice cream – This will have your guests asking ‘Is this soup or did dessert melt?’
  • Ginger ale – the age-old question: beer or ale? Why not both?
  • Tomato sauce – with beans, not too ruined, with marshmallows? Ruined.

Spices:

What is a soup with out seasonings or spices? Not much, try these ideas for a twist of normal 3 bean soup, I promise that if used with any of the other ways listed in this post, these spices will help ruin your soup!

  • Curry powder – use lots, with marshmallows it’s great… ly ruined that is.
  • Horseradish – too much of this can ruin nearly anything.
  • Mustard powder – adds a bit of color and a lot of taste, I suggest using with melted ice cream for the best texture.
  • Cloves – strong enough to startle anyone, yet subtle enough to meld with tomato sauce.
  • Cinnamon – just remember, not everyone likes this spice!
  • Cocoa powder – I thought chocolate made everything better, but maybe not beans.

 

Other ways:

Here we have a few last ways to ruin you 3 bean soup, these might have almost fit in another category, but I thought they deserved a place by their own:

  • Garnish with marshmallows
  • Garnish with onion slice with a pile of Parmesan.
  • Use regular beans, just use them dried and heat only until your liquid starts to boil, if using melted ice cream, don’t even bother to heat.

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There you have it, several ideas for helping you ruin your next pot of 3 bean soup. Did I miss an obvious way to ruin this soup? Let me know if the comments.

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this post!

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3 thoughts on “How to ruin any food: 3 bean soup

  1. The marshmallows and jelly beans are winners. And, of course…the rootbeer. This reminds me vaguely of a cooking project I initiated with my younger brothers when I was 5. I don’t think we ate much of it, though I’m sure we tried it šŸ™‚ Thanks for the laugh.

    Liked by 1 person

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