How to ruin any food: Oatmeal cookies

I guess it’s been quite awhile since I ruined a food, tonight I hope to make up for that.

I’m  going to ruin oatmeal cookies tonight, if you enjoy oatmeal cookies, I’m sorry. If you dislike oatmeal cookies and wish more people did, make a batch of these for your friends and I promise you they won’t enjoy oatmeal cookies anymore!

Please note that I’m ruining pure oatmeal cookies tonight, not oatmeal raisin cookies, those are worth a post of their own one day.

Are you ready?

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

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What it is:

 

An oatmeal cookie is a flat cookie normally made with rolled oats. Some oatmeal cookies are frosted or iced, while others are enjoyed plain.

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History of oatmeal cookies:

The origins of oatmeal cookies are hazy at best, just like the best foods that I’ve ruined here.

A common belief is that oatmeal cookies are descended from oat cakes made by the Scots and British. At some point during the middle ages raisins were added.

It appears that what we know as an oatmeal cookie today didn’t really exist before some time in the 1880s, roughly.

For more information of the probable origins of oatmeal cookies and the history of oats and oatmeal in general, I heartily recommend the following site:

http://www.foodtimeline.org/foodcookies.html#oatmeal

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How to make oatmeal cookies:

Oatmeal cookies are among the easier cookies to make, they can contain as few six ingredients or quite a few more, depending on the recipe you use.

A basic oatmeal cookie recipe looks something like this:

 

1 cup butter

1 cup brown sugar

1 & 1/2 cups flour

2 eggs

1  & 1/2 cups rolled oats

1 tsp vanilla

Mix everything together and bake at 350° until golden brown, roughly 10 minutes.

 

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How to ruin them:

 

Now we come to the fun part, ruining the oatmeal cookie!

There are many ways of ruining this cookie, odd as it may seem for such a simple cookie.

 

Oats:

The first place to start is with the oatmeal itself.

  • Use oat grass (the edible stalk of the plant that produces the oat) and corn meal. You’ll end up with something nice and ruined, but yet healthy.
  • Use whole oats, this will result in an inedible cookie, effectively ruining the cookie.
  • Make your cookie without outs of any kind and bake them, as soon as you remove them from the oven press a handful of dried rolled oats on the top, while still edible, they will be dry and unappetizing.
  • Make a dry gruel out of your oatmeal and bake without any addition. These will be nasty tasting and ruined.
  • Soak your oats briefly in water with blue or green food coloring, with luck anyone eating one will be wondering if it’s moldy.

While there are likely other ways to ruin the oats, I think these are enough for tonight.

Butter:

Ah, butter, another wonderful way to ruin anything.

The easiest way to ruin butter is to add food coloring to it, I prefer blue or green, of course, but purple or red will work just as well.

Brown your butter first: melt it in a pan and cook until it turns brown, this supposedly  increases the taste, however we want to go well beyond browned to nearly blackened, then allow it to harden up again before using it, this will add a nice burnt taste to your oatmeal cookies, which at the very least will have your guests glancing at the bottom of the cookie to see if it did burn, which will ruin the experience of eating the cookie.

 

There are many other ways of ruining butter, such as replacing it with rancid lard, but I think the ideas I’ve mentioned are enough for tonight.

Frosting/icing

If you want to frost or ice your oatmeal cookies, there are many ways to do that which will ruin them. I suggest using mashed potatoes or sour cream.

For more ideas, please check out my post on ruining frosting: https://mageowl.wordpress.com/2015/12/06/how-to-ruin-any-food-frosting/

Other ways:

There are a number of other ways to ruin oatmeal cookies:

  • Bake them until they are blackened.
  • Under bake them so they are still gooey.
  • Add cayenne powder to the batter.
  • Add curry powder to the batter.
  • Bake them six months in advance.
  • Add root beer to the dough.

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That’s all the ideas I have right now for ruining oatmeal cookies, have I missed any? Let me know in the comments!

Thanks for reading!

 

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