Wild Buffalo Betty cooks again!

Hi y’all, it’s me, Wild Buffalo Betty, tonight ah’m a goin’ to show you the best topping for a hotdog… no, not that kind of dog! A beautiful, or whatever kind o’ sausage you are gonna eat.
First, take a large glop o’ sour cream, I just love sour cream! Put it in a bowl and eat it… er, I mean… a nice large bowl where you can mix something else into it, or if you want to make a large batch, just mix it in the container itself.

 Next, add a lot of catnip! Oh, catnip! My favorite thing!

 Now mix the two together until the our cream looks greenish in color, yes you need that much, more if possible. 

 Next,  this is the hardest part! Let it sit for at least an hour, over night is better, but I don’t think anyone would have that much will power! I never have any left over for the next day myself, although, Colin doesn’t let me make a very large batch.

  

There you have it, the absolute best recipe ah’ve ever found! Enjoy!

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How to ruin any food: Tuna fish sandwich

Tonight I’m going to show you how simple it is to ruin a tuna fish sandwich. I hope you enjoy this post, even if something in it might smell fishy to you.

Are you ready for some fun?

 

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

History:

The history of the tuna fish sandwich is very off, mostly because there really isn’t one. I managed to find several interesting facts about tuna and tuna melts, but not one solid fact about tuna fish sandwiches.

I did manage to learn that the word tuna wasn’t coined until the 1880s, also that by 1910 there were a few recipes in cookbooks for tuna fish sandwiches.

The following sites may interest you:

http://thecollegecritics.com/2011/06/18/tour-de-hamdel-chicken-of-the-sea-edition-or-who-invented-the-tuna-melt/

http://homecooking.about.com/od/foodhistory/a/tunahistory.htm

 

What it is:

A tuna fish sandwich at its plainest is composed of tuna and mayonnaise between slices of bread. Most recipes call for pickle relish, black pepper and other spices.

 

How to ruin it:

Ruining tuna fish sandwiches is easy compared to some other foods we’ve ruined in the past, but it does take a delicate touch. It is too easy to go overboard and ruin it past the point you want, in this case moderation is important.

This is one food that you can’t ruin the main ingredient of tuna fish.

Bread:

If you want to ruin a tuna fish sandwich only by the bread, I suggest cinnamon toast, it should have the desired effect.

Spices:

Spices are of course the easiest place to turn, add a bit of cocoa and you’ve ruined your tuna fish sandwich. Here is a list of spices to consider adding instead of the normal ones:

  • Nutmeg
  • Cinnamon
  • Fennel
  • Mustard seed

There are likely other spices that would help ruin it as well.

Mayonnaise:

This is the best place to ruin a tuna fish sandwich in my mind.

Replace the mayonnaise with vanilla frosting, I promise that this will ruin it for anyone you give one to.

Melted white chocolate, this would need to be eaten on a warm day, or while still slightly warm, but it will ruin your sandwich.

Alfredo sauce could also be substituted for mayonnaise.

Cottage cheese, the texture will ruin the sandwich for most people.

Other ingredients:

There are, of course, other ingredients that many people put in a tuna fish sandwich, such as pickle relish. Here are a few options to add to your tuna fish sandwich:

  • Chocolate chips
  • Pineapple chunks
  • Maraschino cherries
  • Cheese curds
  • Gummy candies

 

Bonus recipe:

If you want to get rid of the extra tuna fish you might have, I’ve got a very quick and simple recipe for your cat:

Mix your leftover tuna fish with milk and catnip. Any cat should enjoy this.

 

I hope this fishy post has given you a few ideas on how to ruin your next tuna fish sandwich. Do you have any suggestions? I’d enjoy hearing them.

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this post and I hope you’ll join me again next week as we ruin another food!

How to ruin any food: Eggnog

Tonight we’re going to do our best to take eggnog and ruin it. It is my goal to destroy eggnog once and for all, or make you laugh.

Yes, eggnog is our target for tonight, why? Because it’s in season right now, what better reason is there? Are you ready?

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

History:

Eggnog has a long history, one that seemingly doesn’t have a beginning, though that simply means that the origin is lost to history, which seems to be something of a habit for these posts of mine.

The name is even lost to history, though a few theories exist. One theory is that the nog referred to a wooden mug called a noggin. Another theory is that it’s a corruption of Egg and Grog, either way it is now eggnog and the rest is lost to history.

What it is:

Eggnog is basically a drink of eggs, milk or cream, sugar and traditionally some kind of alcohol. Now many people buy eggnog which doesn’t have alcohol in it.

You’ll often see it topped with a sprinkling of cinnamon.

How to ruin it:

Ruining eggnog takes a bit of doing, however if you don’t like eggs you are all ready finished.

First off let’s look at the eggs, now I’m sure you’re wondering how I’m planning on ruining eggs, the truth is I’m not, I only suggest you check to see how many of those chocolate Easter eggs you have left, if you have enough, simply put them into a bowl with some heavy cream, whisk just enough to break the chocolate into pieces and serve.

Now assuming that you don’t have leftover chocolate eggs, we’ll look at other options:

Milk:

The milk can be changed slightly, try sweetened condensed milk, the different texture and extra sweetness may be enough to ruin it.

Another option is to use sour cream instead, that should create a nasty mixture.

Sugar:

While you can’t ruin sugar very much, substituting honey wouldn’t even change much, you can try using molasses or sorghum, the difference in color will help ruin it, as will the change in taste, the bitterness of the molasses should be enough to turn most people off of eggnog.

Cinnamon:

Here is the easiest place to ruin eggnog, whether you make it yourself or buy it. Here are a few spices you can use instead:

  • Cumin
  • Curry powder
  • Cayenne powder
  • Cracked black pepper
  • Celery seeds
  • Red or pink salt

  Other ways to ruin:

A few other thing you can do to ruin the eggnog are to add something to it, such as Tabasco sauce, Worcestershire sauce, soy sauce, cola, root beer or ginger ale.

 

That about does it for ruining eggnog, but I have one last surprise for you:

Eggnog for cats:

It’s a fact of life that cats are always going to be interested in what you’re making/drinking. So take a few minutes and make this eggnog for your cats, remember they shouldn’t have too much at any one time!

Eggs

Milk or cream

A dash of sugar

Catnip

Mix well and serve.

 

I hope you’ve enjoyed ruining eggnog and I hope you’ll join me again next week when we ruin something new!

Please feel free to leave any comments, I’d enjoy knowing how you’d ruin eggnog.

Thanks for reading!

How to ruin any food: Turkey sandwich

Tonight we’re going to look at ruining a turkey sandwich. While a few months ago I did a post on ruining sandwiches (http://wp.me/p3pFIg-c7), right now many people are struggling with a tremendous amount of leftover turkey and I figured you might need to know how to ruin turkey sandwiches.

Shall we get started?

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

What it is:

A turkey sandwich at best is a nice slice of turkey breast between two slices of bread, perhaps with a condiment of your choice or salt and pepper.

 

How to ruin it:

While sandwiches in general are easy to ruin, turkey sandwiches tend to be even easier than most.

Let’s break it down and ruin each part:

 

      Bread:

The bread is the first thing most people will come into contact with on a sandwich, half the battle of ruining a sandwich is in the bread. Consider a type of bread that is as far from normal as possible, a few suggestions include:

A nice crisp flat bread, it should be as thin as possible so that after the first bite is taken it begins to fall apart.

A very soft white bread, it should be soft enough the every bite turns into a gummy mess and dries out the mouth.

A hard, dry bread with seeds in it, this will have the added bonus of drying out the eater’s mouth while the seeds will get stuck in their teeth, also if the bread is hard enough the jaws will begin to ache after a few bites.

 

Turkey:

The turkey is perhaps the most important thing in this sandwich, it can make or break the sandwich. Unfortunately there is not much you can do to the turkey without risking it being deadly to the sandwich eater. However I do have a few suggestions.

Dry turkey, it’s a sad fact of life that some parts of a turkey will be dry. A sandwich is the perfect place to use the dry turkey, it’ll help ruin it in combination with dry bread.

Tough turkey, another sad fact of life is that some turkey is just tough. Not every turkey will be tough, but you should be able to scrape together enough tough turkey to annoy whoever you give the sandwich to.

Small scrapes of turkey, a good sandwich has large slices of turkey, the small bits of turkey that you’d normally save for a cat are ideal to ruin a sandwich.

 

Toppings/Condiments:

The last place to ruin a turkey sandwich is the toppings. This can require a lot of thought to get just right, however I’ve got a few ideas to get you started:

Raspberry jam: Who has ever heard of jam on a turkey sandwich?

Peanut butter: Again, something unheard of can only help ruin a sandwich.

Gravy: You’ve got some left over, admit it, add it on top of your crisp bread and you’ll easily ruin a sandwich!

Cranberry sauce and mustard: This combination is bad enough to ruin a sandwich on its own!

Marshmallow cream: Gooey and sweet, everything a good sandwich needs, just not on top of turkey.

 

Add any of these ideas together and you’ve got yourself a perfectly ruined sandwich!

 

I’ve got a bonus treat for your cat:

Take leftover turkey, mix it with turkey broth, add a few teaspoons of catnip. Mix in a bit of butter, spread on a slice of bread, cover with whipped cream or sour cream and sprinkle a garnish of extra catnip on top.  Your cat will enjoy this.

 

Thanks for reading and I hope you’ll join me again next Saturday night when I ruin another helpless food.

Please feel free to comment with your own suggestions on ruining a turkey sandwich.

 

Cats and Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving day, or as some people (and all cats) call it, Turkey day. It’s the day cats wait all year for. So why not treat your cats right and make them a plate of their own? Tonight O’ve got a few suggestions for you.

While most cats will love turkey, there are plenty of other things that they might enjoy, it varies from cat to cat, so you’ll have to find out just what your cat enjoys. Some cats like corn, some like potatoes or even bread.
Start a plate or dish with a nice helping of turkey cut into nice small pieces, add whatever your cat enjoys, cover with gravy (your cat does like gravy, right?) and sprinkle with catnip.
Another option is to just sprinkle a piece of turkey with catnip, that will guarantee a happy cat!

Now while most food is okay for your cat, do take a few moments and make sure that they don’t get any garlic or onions (or anything in the same family as those), as those aren’t good for cats to consume.
Don’t give your cat any turkey bones, you don’t want your cat to choke after all.
Be safe, keep your cat stuffed and sated this Thanksgiving. You and your cats will both be quite happy, it should make it a good holiday for you both.

Thanks for reading!

How to ruin any food: Beverages: Lemonade

Tonight we’re looking at Lemonade and how to ruin it. First off, I know lemonade is really a beverage and not a food, however most people drink something when they eat food. I realized that beverages are one spot I’ve neglected over this series of posts. Now I aim to correct that.

Before we begin, I want to offer these normal words of warning:

WARNING: DO NOW READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY FOOD!

The rest of this post is designed to be humorous and is not intended to be taken seriously. Any attempt to ingest the substance described in the following paragraphs is not suggested and should be avoided. You’ve been warned.

 

History.

The history of lemons is a complicated one. Trying to determine when lemonade was first invented is just as hard, if not harder.

It seems that the first recorded mention of drinking lemon juice and possible lemonade is from Egypt sometime before the tenth century. That said, some murals have been found dating from Ancient Roman times that seem to depict lemons, one can only assume that is there were lemons in Ancient Rome that they were sweetening the juice to drink.

I fear we shall never know just when or where lemonade was invented.

 

What it is.

The simplest lemonade is composed of  lemon juice, water and sugar. However some lemonade is mixed with other fruits or flavors.

 

How to ruin it.

While it may seem hard to ruin something that has been mixed with numerous other fruits and flavors, I still believe that we can do it. Let’s find out:

 

    Change the juice:

First off let’s simplify a bit. A lemon is a citrus fruit, therefore any citrus fruit can be substituted. Consider using grapefruit juice and calling it lemonade.

 

      Add to it:

Here is a list of other fruits that few (if any) people would ever think to add to lemonade:

  • Kiwi
  • Tomato (it’s really a fruit, go ahead and look it up)
  • Habanero (Peppers are fruits too…)
  • jalapeno
  • Cocona (look it up, it tastes like tomatoes and lemons all ready, or so it’s said)
  • Salak fruit (it’s also known as snake fruit… just telling people they are drinking snake fruit lemonade will ruin it!)

 

Non fruit additives:

Adding non-fruits to lemonade? Why not, it’ll help ruin it.

  • Bacon (Everyone is all ready adding bacon to everything else so why not?)
  • Horseradish
  • Soy sauce
  • Worcestershire sauce
  • Ketchup (It’ll add that longed for ‘pink’ color, more or less)
  • Mustard (Why not?)
  • Pickle relish
  • Hot sauce
  • Mango salsa (There’s no other use for it)
  • Melted butter
  • Onion juice
  • Puree salmon

That’s about all I can come up with tonight, but I’m sure that there are many more things we could add to lemonade to ruin it.

 

Catade

Yes, I’ve got a recipe for a drink for cats, you knew I would, right?

It’s very simple, in fact anyone can do it. It has two ingredients.

Water

Catnip

 

You can always surprise your cat by substituting chicken broth for the water.

 

Thanks for reading, I hope you’ve enjoyed these ideas on for to ruin lemonade.

I hope you’ll  join me again next week when I attempt to ruin another beloved food.
Please leave any comments, I’d love to hear your thoughts about ruining food, I’ll take suggestions for next weeks food as well