Cats thoughts, week fifteen

Ask the cat’s
Since I didn’t have an ask the cat post last week, tonight I’m not having one cat, but both of them! Wild Buffalo Betty and Agent 0028! This should be an interesting post.
First off I’d like to thank both of you for coming.

WBB: I’m always happy if there is enough catnip involved.

0028: I’m only here because I’m hiding from my arch enemy.

 

What do you think about the start of baseball season?

WWB: I’d rather talk about John Wayne.

0028: I don’t have time for sports… are the Dodgers still playing at Ebbits field?

 

Okay… let’s talk about movies instead, Wild Buffalo Betty loves westerns, what is your favorite movie, 0028?

0028: I prefer spy movies, they give good tips. As for my favorite, I’m not at liberty to say.

WBB: Westerns give better tips! No spy is faster than a lasso!

 

What do you think about air travel after the recent ejection of a passenger?

WBB: westerns are right, always take a train or a stagecoach in a pinch.

0028: I’ll have to disagree with Wild Buffalo Betty, any good spy has to be ready to fight for his seat, just watch any spy movie.

 

Do you think that the Rockies will have a good group of pitchers by June?

0028: if one of them is broken, it was Wild Buffalo Betty, not me!

WBB: You’re talking baseball again, aren’t you? Do you think I’d look good in a cowboy hat?

 

I’m sure you’d look great, Betty.

0028: sure, why not? Just choose a white hat, everyone knows bad guys where black cowboy hates.

WBB: there are always a few exceptions to that rule… but I thought maybe a green one instead.

(Third cat appears and chimes up): green is for bonnets, like Robin Hood!

 

Who are you? I’ve never seen you before!

WBB: oh good! A new cat, do you like westerns?

0028: You’re a spy! Were you sent by FURBALL?

Third cat: you’ll find out about me in time… got any catnip?

 

Well it looks like things are gong to be interesting here. Do any of you have any parting words for the readers?

0028: Always watch your back, spies are everywhere! Oh, bring catnip next week, would ya?

WBB: move ‘me up and move ’em out, pilgrim… and scratch my ears?

Third cat: Friends, country cats, lend me your paws, one for all and all for one! 

 

Well that was interesting. Thanks for reading!

Jokes for April 13th

I didn’t have the chance to come up with any new jokes, so I thought I’d dust off a few classic jokes, enjoy!

 

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What kind of bed do berries like best?

Straw.

 

What did the criminal turned baseball player say after he bought a house?

“I’ll never steal home again!”

  

 Why do baseball pitchers make excellent bowlers?

Because they know how to throw strikes.

  

Why did the omelet refuse to pitch at a certain ballpark?

The fans were always egging him on. 

 

Why do pack rats make excellent pinch runners?

They are always stealing. 

  

Why did the prospector never go hungry?

There was always something in his pans. 

 

How do mechanics fry their French fries?

In an oil pan. 

  

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I hope you enjoyed these jokes. Thanks for reading!

Jokes for April 6th

It’s Thursday night again, but much more importantly is the fact that it’s the first week of baseball season! Enjoy these baseball jokes.

 

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Why was the golfer banned from being a ball boy?

Because he kept getting a hole in one.

  

Why did the chef quit the team?

He couldn’t cut the mustard.

 

Why did the baseball team sign a knitter?

They needed a more good mitts.

 

Why did the baseball manager hire the lemonade as a scout?

Because it had found a good pitcher.

 

Was the vampire hunter bet concerned about the baseball season opener?

Of course, he had quite a stake in it.

  

Why did the frog watch the baseball game?

He had always dreamed of being a catcher.

 

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I hope you enjoyed these jokes. Thanks for reading!

A cat’s thoughts, week fourteen 

Tonight I’m joined by… no cat, actually, they both said they had their fill dong an extra post over the weekend, so I’m going to try to make you forget that there isn’t a cat, please bear with me.
I’m here with no cat. How are you tonight?

… cricket… cricket….

 

Hmmm? Oh, cat got your tongue , eh?

…. cricket…cricket…

 

Well you are a cat, or at least you normally would be. So, what are your thoughts about the political situation?

… glare…. cricket… sticks out tongue.

 

I’m sure almost everyone shares that opinion. Do you expect it to get any better soon?

… stares in disbelief….

 

I’m afraid that’s the general consensus. Turning to other matters, if you could have dinner with one person, er, cat I suppose, who would it be?

… cricket… glare….

 

Ah, of course, you wouldn’t want to share your dinner, sensible answer. Baseball season has just started, are you excited?

YES! Yes! Go Rockies! Strike the bums out! Let’s win some games! Hey, who’s on first this year?

 

Oh look, we have a ghost cat that’s fond of baseball and Abbot and Costello.

Are the Dodgers in Brooklyn again? How about the Giants?

  

I’m afraid we’re out of time for tonight, but with any luck, we’ll have this baseball loving ghost cat back in a few weeks. Any parting words?

 Yes! It’s a shame if the home team doesn’t win.

 

Thanks for reading! Feel free to ask any of the cats a question in the comments below.

Minutes of the last Cats World Domination meeting.

Minutes of the last Cats World Domination meeting. 

The meeting was called to order by Fluffy, President.

 

At the meeting it was decided that all the new electronic toys the foolish humans have bought will be ignored, unless they have a nice enough box.

 

It was also decided that all cats must insist on being fed when they want to be and not when humans want to feed us, this motion supersedes the briefly implemented rule where humans could feed us whenever they wanted to, it was further agreed that all future meetings will be conducted without catnip.

 

A motion was voted on to allow certain dogs to join CWD if they looked like cats, the motion was voted down unanimously with one abstention.

 

 A proposal to look into training parrots to meow was sent to a committee, the committee has since killed the proposal, the fate of the parrot is unknown at this time.

  

A proposal to place all dead mice in human shoes was sent to committee, the committee is still looking into feasibility, but experiments to date have been satisfactory.

  

It was decided that all toy mice should be left where humans will step on them in the middle of the night, this had universal support, the cats on Mars say it’s a very fun thing to do as well and suggest meowing loudly when the toy is stepped on.

  

A motion by Wild Buffalo Betty that all cats make time to watch Annie Get your Gun was debated by members present, when it turned out that this was a movie and not a person trying to hunt mice, it was sent to a committee to be discussed further.

 

A motion to end the meeting was offered and accepted when a mouse ran across the conference table, the mouse was last seen diving behind a filing cabinet, at this time five cats are watching from all sides for the mouse to reappear.

Who needs gold?

It is I, Doctor J. Smith again, even though my last few attempts to plunder the wealth of the galaxy on this date have failed, I’m going to try it again! This time there will be no trouble!
 This time, now that this bubble headed Bobbie has become something of an expert at hacking into this blog, if only on April first, I have a grand plan to become rich!

 First off, I’ve built a new machine that, instead of targeting all the gold in the universe, will convert all scrape metal within two parsecs into solid silver… hmmm?

 Don’t worry about how it’ll work, William, just know that it does! Now where was I? Oh yes. The silver will be transported to this barren world by a simple process that I invented. After that, all I have to do is to set up a silver mint and I’ll have more silver coins than I will know how to spend and each one will have my face on them!

 Now I’ll finally have to nought money to buy my way back to Earth! I never wanted to leave there in the first place after all, but things happen.

 It’s time! You, William, pull those levers now! You, robot, you bubble headed numskull, throw those switches now! Yes, yes… everything is working, now I’ll activate the transmuter and… success! Look at all of this silver! More silver than any human has ever seen before!

 Wait.. who are you? The Silver pirates from the Omega nebula? Gah! Look how fast they steal my silver! Do something you chrome plated bucket of bolts!

 Too late… too late… my best plan, ruined, and all because of space pirates!

 Come along, William, my boy, let’s look at that blue box over there. No, I’ve never seen it before, but it says police on it, who better to chase down those pirates and get my silver back?

Ask the human as asked by Wild Buffalo Betty.

Howdy all, it’s Wild Buffalo Betty here, it’s time to ask a human some questions, ah reckon.
 

Thanks for joinin’ us tonight, Colin.

You’re welcome, Betty I’m happy to be here!

  

Now ah reckon ah should start by askin’ how your week was.

It was great, lot of good food and plenty of cat hair to go around.

  

I’m glad you’re enjoying the cat hair, Ah have plenty more of it. Now what movie do you reckon you like the most?

What movie? Wow, that’s a hard thing to choose, there are a lot of great movies. I do like Singing in the Rain.

  

Ah didn’t ask what you liked to do, but what you liked to watch.

Oh, er… right… how about Operation Petticoat?

  

Ah never reckoned you were some kinda clothes doctor. Now what do ya like to watch on TV movie wise?

The Court Jester?

  

Wow! You are busy! You’re a clothes doctor, a clown and ya sing when it’s rainin’! How do you have time to watch movies?

Sigh, I don’t. I only watch westerns with you, like The Man From Utah.

  

Who’s this man from Utah? Does he like John Wayne movies? What’s on tonight anyway?

The man who shot Liberty Valance , Stagecoach, High Noon…

  

Really? The Man who shot Liberty Valance is on the Stagecoach that leaves at High Noon? I’d love to talk more, but ah bet there’s gonna be a great shootout!

Oh! My Darling Clementine…

  

Bye! I’m out of here! Everyone have a great weekend! And my name is Wild Buffalo Betty, not Clementine!

Cat agent 0028 interrogates a human

Okay, tough guy, let’s start by asking a few simple questions. Oh, you’re asleep. Eh?Ow! That’s my foot! What time is it anyway?

 

I’m the one asking the questions. Are you awake now?

It’s 2:36 am, cat. I was sleeping.

 

Tough nap, there’s all day to sleep. Now will you answer my questions?

Yeah, sure… where’s Wild Buffalo Betty?

 

I’m the one asking questions and I know how to be tough.

Ugh! You’re standing on my stomach!

 

Where were you on the night of April 15th?

Seeing as that’s roughly two weeks from now, I can’t say.

 

A smart guy, eh? I got ways of making you talk!

Get your tail out of my face!

 

Are you ready to talk now? Good! Where is the microfilm?

What microfilm? Have you been watching spy movies again? I knew I shouldn’t have left North by Northwest playing!

 

I need that microfilm to build a secret device! If you don’t know where it is, do you at least know where the catnip is?

Sure, I know where the catnip is, but I’ll never talk!

 

Oh yeah? How about now?

Jumping on my stomach while whacking me in my face with your tail won’t get you anywhere.

  

What about a nice bowl of food then… the good stuff?

In the morning!

  

Well than, I’m just going to sleep right here… with my tail in your face. Goodnight!

Good night, cat… one of these days I’m going to learn your name!

 

That’s what they all say. For now, just call me 0028.

0028? Oh, let me guess, you’re twice as good as 014, right?

 

I’m the best there is, don’t forget it, by the way, just so you know, it’s true, bob’s your uncle. Well mine kinda, he lives in Denver you know.

It’s too late for these jokes! Goodnight and get off my stomach so I can breath!

 

Humph! I really need a gadget expert next time… maybe some truth serum… at least there isn’t an Invasion of Evil agents this time…

Jokes for March 30th

It’s been a quick week, but I managed to coke up with three jokes for you tonight, enjoy!

 

What did the farmer say when he forgot to sell his banana crop?

He said he slipped up.

 

What did the farmer say about the outlook for his orchard?

Everything was peachy.

 

Why did the avocado farmer want to build a house from avocado seeds?

He wanted to say he lived in the pits.

 

Thanks for reading!

A cat’s thoughts, week thirteen 

Wild Buffalo Betty is joining us again this week, let’s hear what she hasto say.

Thanks for joining me this week, Betty. What were you up to last week?

Sigh, it’s Wild Buffalo Betty, remember? Last week, let me think… oh yes, Ah was cleaning up after St. Patrick’s day.

 

Cleaning up? Did you have a party? Where was my invitation?

No party, Ah was just washing the mice on my mouse ranch, if you remember ah had a bunch of them who were green… Ah thought they were just in the holiday spirit, but ah guess they got into the food coloring instead.

 

I see. Okay, what have you been up to this week so far?

This week? I’ve been sleeping mostly, plus playing of course, what cat doesn’t like to play games and chase things?

 

Good point. Moving on, what is your take on Brexit?

Ah didn’t do it, honest! Ah didn’t knock over that lamp! It was, uh, a stampede! Yeah, that’s what it was! Them dang cattle stampeded in the middle of the night and knocked the lamp over!

 

I’m talking about Brexit, you know, the U.K. leaving the EU? Thanks for telling me about the lamp by the way.

 Oh… uh, ah reckon it were gunfighters.

  

Gunfighters?

A yup, in all the movies ah watch, whenever someone leaves town or pulls up stakes and leaves their homestead, it’s almost always on account of gunfighters running them off.

 

I’m speechless, Wild Buffalo Betty.

It’s about time too, ah reckon. Now maybe ah can have some peace and quiet to watch Winchester 73, it’s a favorite movie of mine, great gun battles, gunfightin’ and lots more! Want to watch it with me?

 

Sounds like a plan, Wild Buffalo Betty! I’ll get the popcorn.

Popcorn? Bleh! Bring the catnip for me! I’ll finish up here.

 

Now ah reckon it’s time to say a few last words, partner. Ah gotta wrap this thing up and figure out this here DVD player before he gets back with the catnip. Ah hope y’all have a great rest o’ the week and ah know Colin will be back next week with more questions to be askin’ one o’ us cats.

 Thank y’all for readin’ this here post. Yee ha!