Jokes for June 8th (by Agent 028)

I’m 28… Agent 28, I like my catnip shredded, not chopped. Last night Colin asked me to help with the jokes tonight… just like Wild Buffalo Betty did last week, so tonight I went ahead and… immobilized Colin in a fashion similar to how Wild Buffalo Betty did last week, only I used some feather toys and jingling balls in addition to the yarn, he won’t get free anytime soon. Well that’s enough set up, now it’s time for my favorite jokes, enjoy.

 

Why did the mouse cross the road?

Because he knew better than to cross a cat!

 

Why did the cat become a spy?

Sorry, I can’t reveal that.

 

When the cat’s arch-villain released a thousand trained ninja mice, what did the cat say?

Looks like fun!

 

Why did the cat catch mouse?

It was a lot easier than catching a cold!

  

How do you tell a cat from a lion?

Sorry, the answer is classified.

 

A lion, a lynx and a tiger go into a bar, the bartender says…. sorry, the rest of this joke is top secret.

 

(This joke has been classified by CATS and will be replaced by a cat poem)

A butterfly, on its fragile wings,

A mouse on fast mousy legs,

A bird awing,

While all of these may be my prey,

Catnip is bettter than any of them.

 

I hope you enjoyed these jokes tonight. I’ve got a thousand more, but I’ve got to go on a mission… I mean, I think I hear a mouse!

 Goodnight everyone!

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Jokes for July 27th

It’s Wednesday night again. These summer days are just flying by, aren’t they? I haven’t been blogging much this month, but I’m going to try to add at least one more post a week.

 I wasn’t able to come up with any jokes I thought were good enough, so here are a few old jokes, I hope you get a chuckle from them.

 

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A priest, a cowboy and pirate were marooned on an island. There was nothing growing on the island except for bananas. After eating their fill, the cowboy and pirate discovered that the bananas were bad and causing hallucinations.

As the priest watched, the pirate tried to wrap a banana peel around his head, meanwhile the cowboy was similarly trying to tie a banana around his next.

 Finally the priest realized that in their hallucinations, the cowboy and pirate believed that the bananas were bandanas.

 “I’m glad I didn’t go ape over those,” the priest said aloud, adding “if I had, I’d be bananas by now!”

 

 

When the investigator found a clue, he quickly declared it to be something fishy, though he could never explain what a red herring was doing in a tuna cannery. 
   

 

How do you make a banana leave you alone?

 Show it the ice cream and chocolate sauce, that’s sure to make any banana split.

 

 

What was the complaint of the puma on a beach?

Sandy claws.

 

 

 

Why did the omelet refuse to pitch at a certain ballpark?

The fans were always egging him on. 

  

  

Why do pack rats make excellent pinch runners?

They are always stealing. 
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 I’ll try to have some new jokes for next week. Thanks for reading.

Jokes for July 20th

It’s Wednesday night again, but tonight I did manage to come up with a few jokes. Since politics are all you hear about right now, I have some political jokes for you, enjoy!

 

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What did the seal have to do when it ran for office?

Jump through hoops. 
 

What happened when the power plant worker ran for president?

He electrified the electorate.
 

What happened when the mortician wanted to be senator?

He buried the opposition.
 

Why wasn’t the zombie nominated to run for office?

He just didn’t have any brains.
 

Did the cowboy running for officer get many people at his events?

Yes, he roped them in.

 

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I hope these jokes gave you a chuckle, thanks for reading!

Humor for May 4th

It’s another Wednesday night, so it’s time for some humor! The Kentucky Derby is this Saturday, so I came up with a few new horse racing related jokes, along with a few old standbys. I hope you enjoy them!

 

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Classics 

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When the jockey ate a pastry before every race, people began to say he was a dough nut.

 

Why did the jockey carry a horse shoe at night?

Because he couldn’t carry a lucky star.

 

While flipping pancakes, a chef was asked what horse would win the derby, he said it was a toss up.

 

When the vampire lost his bet on the derby for the hundredth time, it drove him batty.

 

Why do vampires hate horse races?

Because of the stakes.

  

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New jokes

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What kind of hats do jockeys prefer?

Derbies.
 

How many hats do horse jockeys own?

Three crowns.
 

What did the dentist tell the jockey he needed at his next visit?

A triple crown.
 

Why can jockeys always find who they are looking for in a forest?

They know a few things about tracks.

 

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That’s all the humor I have for tonight.

Thanks for reading!

Humor for February 3rd

It’s Wednesday night again, time for some more humor! With the super bowl this weekend, I thought I’d offer you a few football related jokes tonight, enjoy!

 

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Why was the football team owner upset that he had to use a pay phone?

Because he knew he wouldn’t get his quarterback.

 

Why did the linebacker put all his change in a small bag?

Because his coach told him to sack the quarterback.

 

When the owner of the football team discovered that his house had been destroyed by accident, the first that was rebuilt were two walls, giving the him a cornerback.

 

When a quarterback who never managed to complete a pass decided to run for office, he had a football made out of dollar bills and promised that he would never pass the buck.

 

What did the chef say when he saw a gigantic dish?

“Now that’s a super bowl”

 

Why did the football owner ask the banker to select new players for the team?

Because the banker knew something about handling drafts.

 

Why do football players always demand feather pillows?

Because they enjoy touching down.

  

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I hope you enjoyed these jokes tonight. Thanks for reading!

Jokes for October 14th

I’m running a bit late tonight, so I only have a few jokes for you. I know, my jokes are frighteningly few tonight, but next week I’ll try to have more.
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Why did the vampire’s construction company get a bad reputation?
They were fly by nights.

When the vampire closed his costume store for lunch, he put a sign in the door that read: Out for a bite. 

Why did the vampire get into the used book business?
He wanted to do something he could really sink his teeth into. 

Why did the vampire refuse to play poker?
He didn’t like the stakes.

Why did the dairyman scare his cows?
Because he needed the milk curdled.

Why to dairymen like blood drenched mystery novels?
They like everything curdled.

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 I hope you enjoyed these jokes tonight.

Thanks for reading!

Jokes For September 30th

Tonight I have a few jokes for you, I would have had more, but a software update took too long. I’m afraid there might be more formatting errors tonight.

 I have a few fall jokes for you as well tonight.

 I hope you enjoy these few jokes!

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Fall jokes

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Why did the candy maker toss his goods out of a cargo plane?

So they could have a great falls.
When a truck carrying several tons of cocoa powder crashed into a river, spilling all of its cargo, the nearby town people were disappointed it hadn’t happened by the waterfall, they had hoped for a great chocolate fall.

Why did the watch maker hate the season after summer?

 He could always count on a great spring, but he had terrible falls.

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Farm jokes

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Why did the NSA build a listening post in the corn field?

They need a few extra ears.
A plane dropped a box full of stolen money on a farmer’s potato field, the FBI was quickly there searching for the money. After hours of searching the agent in charge gathered the other agents around and asked if any of them had found any clues. The agents all replied that they hadn’t seen any sign of the money.

   The agent in charge then proceeded to call his superior and told him “The eyes have it.”

 A farmer was tending to his field when he saw a man carrying a shovel following a dog with a bone.

When the farmer confronted the man, he learned that the dog had managed to get a hold of a rare pocket watch and had presumably buried it in the farmer’s field.

 “Don’t worry,” the farmer told the man as he glanced at the root crop, “I’m sure it’ll turnip.”

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I hope you enjoyed these jokes and humor.

Thanks for reading!

Jokes for September 16th

its another Wednesday night and I have a few jokes for you. As I’m just getting back into blogging after a week off, I don’t have quite as many as I’d like, but I think they might be funnier, I hope you agree.

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Jokes, riddles and humor

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The farmer thought he had it made when the ufo crashed in his corn field, but the video he took was grainy.

When the home builder quit and started guiding people down rivers on homemade barges, why was no one surprised?
Because he knew a lot about rafters.

Why are farmers the worst sources for ufo film?
It’s always grainy.

How did the convicted farmer get spared a jail sentence?
The judge kamut-ed it.

When the farmer turned judge tossed out a sentence, he joked that he kamuted it.

What do carpenters know about lasers?
Well, they are pros when it comes to beams.

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I hope you enjoyed these jokes tonight.

 While I know a joke that has to be explained isn’t normally funny, I know that some of you reading this may not understand the jokes with kamut in them. Kamut is an ancient grain, pronounced Kah-moot.

 Thanks for reading, I hope you managed to get a chuckle from these jokes tonight.