Jokes for February 9th

It’s been another quick week, hasn’t it? I have few few jokes for you tonight, enjoy!

 

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What did the cat think when the chef started performing Shakespeare?

He was hamletting it up.

 

What is a beekeeper’s favorite line from hamlet?

To be or not to be.

 

When are flowers like Shakespearian play?

When there are two bees.

 

Why do hockey players enjoy Shakespeare’s play, A midsummers night dream?

They like anything with a puck in it.

 

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I didn’t promise that they’d be good jokes, but I do hope that they made you chuckle at least.

 Thanks for reading!

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A joke for a Wednesday night

I’m back to posting a joke on Wednesday night, but I’m still not posting as often as I’d like, sorry.

 

Why did the vampire love baseball?

He liked to see the bats fly.

 

Why did the vampire hate watching baseball?

He hated to see hot bats.

  

I hope you enjoyed these two jokes, they drove me batty.

Cheesy humor for May 11th

It’s another Wednesday night again and I’ve managed to come up with a few jokes tonight, I hope you enjoy these cheesy jokes tonight!

 

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Why does no one at the dairy ever get lost?

Because they always know the whey.

 

  

What did the witch ask the dairyman?

Which way do I go to find which whey is the witch whey?

 

  

When the cheese maker related his greatest secret to his apprentice, he gave him this riddle:

Mind your whey if you want to find your way, else you might find you’re stuck with the wrong whey.

 

  

The first question any cheese maker apprentice asks when making new cheeses is: which whey is the right whey?

 

When the eccentric winemaker planted slices of cheese in his vineyard, he said he was raisen’ cheese.

 

What kind of movies do dairy workers enjoy the most?

Cheesy ones.

 

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I hope you enjoyed these jokes tonight.

 If you’re interested in similar jokes, don’t forget about my cheesy jokes from last year, though it seems to be having some trouble with the formatting: https://mageowl.wordpress.com/2015/03/05/jokes-for-march-4th/

 

Thanks for reading!

Jokes for September 2nd

 It’s Wednesday night again, time for a few jokes! It’s also nearly the end of summer and I have some bad jokes to get rid of. Sorry there aren’t more. I hope you enjoy them!

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What do politicians do when they retire?
They become balloonists.

A super hero and a chef were walking down a deserted road in the countryside. As they passed an abandoned house, they began debating who was the strongest.
 The super hero said he could knock the abandoned house down with one finger.
The chef claimed he didn’t even need to raise a finger to destroy the house. The super hero told the chef to prove it. The chef smiled and waited, confidently.
 Five minutes later the abandoned house was utterly destroyed and the demolition crew was leaving right on schedule.

A priest was walking along a dark road late one night, as he passed by Jose’s Avocado hut, he tripped, landed in a pile of discarded avocados and shouted “Holy Guacamole!”

What happens when summer turns into a crook?
Summer takes a fall.

Why did the candy bar hate the hammer?
Because chocolate chips.

 What happens when frozen cream start serving drinks?
It becomes an ice cream bar. 

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 Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed these jokes tonight, next week I’ll try to have better ones.

Jokes for June 3rd

It’s s Wednesday night again, time for a few jokes. I don’t have many for you, but I think the ones I have are funny, I hope you do as well.

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Jokes

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A programmer managed to get on a game show, he managed to hold his own, then he was up against an auto mechanic answering questions about cars, the odds were against the programmer, but he got every question correct, when asked about his amazing luck, everyone said it was autocorrect.

When the tortilla lost a small piece of itself, it was a tortilla chipped.

Are weavers funny?

Yes, weaver groups are full of cards.

How does a weaver tell a joke?

She spins a yarn.

When the jogger skipped his daily run, he said it was okay since a miss is as good as a mile.
When the runner lost the marathon by a half mile, he wasn’t upset, instead he pointed out that as a miss is as good as a mile, he actually won.

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Failed jokes:

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For some reason I always have jokes that start out looking as if they will be funny, but they ended up falling flat, here are two such jokes from this week, maybe sometime I’ll try to fix them, feel free to offer some advice.

When the crook was getting his picture taken to send his mother for her birthday, he ruined the picture when the photographer said cheese.

When the cat was bitten by a vampire, there was a rash of dead catnip plants.

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That’s all the jokes for this week, I hope you enjoyed them.

Thanks for reading!

Jokes for May 6th

Wednesday night again, where is the week going? Are you ready for some funny jokes? What about some slightly humorous puns, riddles and other jokes? Hopeful these will be more than modestly funny, no matter what I promise you that you doughnut want to miss these!

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Jokes:


A baker bought a circus on a lark. After spending several months changing the acts and substituting other chefs for the performers, he opened to the public, declaring “doughnut miss it!”
A baker was blackmailed by a bank robber. The bank robber wanted the baker to rob a bank for him. The baker pretended to go along with the plan even as he informed the police. When the bank robber was arrested, he asked the baker why he went to the cops, the baker replied “I like dough as much as anyone, but I doughnut want to go to jail.”

When the jockey ate a pastry before every race, people began to say he was a dough nut.
When the startup needed cash to expand, it turned to someone who knew about cash, a doughnut.
 
When the bakery ran out a key ingredient, they had to substitute cola before the cooked the doughnuts, when a customer asked why the doughnuts tasted odd, the baker replied that they used a new kind of baking soda.
Others:


Why did the banker start a bakery?
He was a doughnut.

W
hat did the almond become when it fell in to a vat of batter?
A doughnut.


What type of golf course holes do bakers enjoy?
Doughnut holes.

Failed joke:
It never fails, at least one joke that should work doesn’t, still I’ll let you read it, maybe you can fix it, if so post it in the comments.

When the software company merged with the bakery, they developed doughnuts that could record data like CDs, they called them Cdoughnuts.

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I hope you’ve enjoyed these jokes tonight. Thanks for reading!

Jokes for March 18th

It’s nearly Spring once again and I’ve got a few jokes for you tonight that I hope will have you springing out of your chair with laughter. I’ve got a few new joke as well as a few jokes from last year that sprang up.

Jokes:

The seasons met at a resturant meeting. They agreed in advance to buy their own lunch. When one of the seasons decided to order something sweet to top off its meal, a wise guy from a neighboring table called out “Look who’s Springing for dessert!” 


A famous chef it cooking furiously to finish a meal for a very important person when he runs out of spices, thinking quickly, he sends his apprentice out to get some seasonings. A few minutes later the apprentice returns with a sack from a hardware store. “I got my favorite season!” The apprentice declared as he poured the contents on to the counter. Seeing the pile springs on the counter was too much for the famous chef and he fired his apprentice after putting him in his place. The apprentice was last seen with a spring in his step.


When the CEO of a clock company left on vacation, he entrusted the wellbeing of the company parrot to the rest of the office personnel. When he returned a week later, the parrot was gone. He launched an investigation which found that the cage door lock had been sprung. An employee stepped forward and admitted responsibility. The CEO looked at him and said “So you’re saying you allowed the lock to spring on Sprung’s cage door, or are you just a fall guy?”


While plotting a jail break, the gang unanimously agreed not to use the egg, he always cracked under pressure.


When the bread was looking for a volunteer to free the butter, he was surprised when the egg spoke up and said: “I’ll spring the butter, I may crack under pressure however.”


The clock made the baseball team because he had spring in his step.

Whys:


Why do superheroes like the early part of the year best? 

They’re always springing into action! 


Why did the clock make the baseball team?
Because he had spring in his gait.

Whats:

What season is a mechanic’s favorite season? 

Spring. 


 What does March have in common with an old mattress? 

They both have Springs.


I hope you’ve enjoyed these jokes tonight. I’ll have a new batch of jokes next Wednesday.

Thanks for reading.

Jokes for March 11th

Tonight I have an interesting array of jokes for you, I hope you enjoy them, I enjoyed coming up with them for you.

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Whys:

Why did the comedian do his act while running a marathon?
He had a running joke.

Why did the marathon runner take a playing card with him?
He was a running joker.

Why did the cookie baker try out for the baseball team?
He had a great cutter.

Whens:

When the cat ran off carrying a book of humor, it became a running joke

When the baseball player went to Los Vegas, he won big at cards, he had an ace on his side.

When the clockmaker trying out for the baseball team had a slow start in spring training, he ran out of time.

Jokes:

A genetic scientist had managed to splice human genes into all the food in his kitchen, while his back was turned everything got out of hand. The food began having battles with one another: the eggs were beaten and the cream was whipped. When the fowl managed to take over most of the kitchen, everything began to change, it was chicken a la king, the beef was grilled, and gladiator style battles were arranged; cherries pitted against oranges, even the fish agreed that fight was the pits.
The only sign of freedom was the apple pie, it was a la mode.
Farmer Bob noticed that the farm next to his had been sold, he wanted to meet his new neighbor, but things came up and it was time for the carrot crop to be harvested before he found time to talk over the fence to the new neighbor. He was surprised to see the new farmer was being followed by a group of rabbits, he managed to ask the new farmer about it.
 “I was an animal trainer, I could get a dog to do any trick you wanted, I trained horses to prance, heck, I even managed to train a cat to sleep on command. These here rabbits are much better however,” the new farmer added, farmer Bob asked how they were better, so the new farmer explained, “I trained them to follow me as I harvest, each one carries a tiny sack of seed, which they plant as they follow me, they are my reseeded hare line.”
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I hope you’ve enjoyed these joke, puns and riddles,

Jokes for March 4th

I’ve got some cheesy jokes for you tonight, I hope you enjoy them, I enjoyed coming up with them

  

Jokes:

 
An artist who specialized in carving marble statues was hired to carve a statue out of cheese, he worked diligently on it. His employer checked in to see how the statue was coming, the artist just said “So far so Gouda.”
 
A dairyman was trying to drum up new business, he was out on the road in California with a few sample cheese wheels when he had a flat tire. With only a crowbar to lift his car, he was forced to use the cheese wheels to hold it up, in doing so he invented the Monterey Jack.
 
A man named Monterey moved to California to start a dairy. He had dreamed for years of inventing a new kind of cheese, the only problem was he didn’t know anything about making cheese, something which his neighbors kept telling him every time he convinced them to try one of his cheeses, they’d always say “Monterey, you don’t know jack about cheese.” This went on for several years, but one day old Monterey managed to create the best cheese anyone had tasted, everyone asked the what he called it, he always smiled and said “Monterey Jack.”
 
A group of adventurers never had any trouble with their adventures except for corn mazes, corn mazes were one thing that they could never manage to navigate, at least until they managed to get a milk maid to join their group, she always got the whey out.
 
It was the prizefight of the year, it was the Cheese against the Cake, the Cheese was the favorite, it had been training for this fight its whole life, the Cake was the underdog due to it having crumbled during its previous fight. The fight was over quickly, it was a knockout punch thrown by the Cake that won it, it was proclaimed throughout the world that the Cheese had been creamed.
 
A cheese maker rowed a longboat around the world as a publicity stunt, he milked it for all it was worth.
Why to dairymen like blood drenched mystery novels?
That like everything curdled.

Jokes for January 7th

Welcome to my first joke post of 2015! It’s the first Wednesday of the new year, so I have all new jokes for you tonight. I’m not saying they are great jokes, but I like them.

Did yous

Did you hear about the lawyer who quit his practice to pick fruit?
Yeah, it was a plum job.

Did you hear about the chef who wanted to make pasta from zucchini?
His boss didn’t like the idea, so the chef had his spaghetti squashed.

Did you hear about the gift packaging plant that closed?
It’s owner just said: it’s a wrap.

What did

What did the dog’s house need after a bad storm?
A new woof.

Why did

Why did the chauffeur become a caddy?
The golfer wanted a good driver.

That’s it for tonight, sorry there weren’t more jokes tonight.
Thanks for reading.