Jokes for April 13th

I didn’t have the chance to come up with any new jokes, so I thought I’d dust off a few classic jokes, enjoy!

 

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What kind of bed do berries like best?

Straw.

 

What did the criminal turned baseball player say after he bought a house?

“I’ll never steal home again!”

  

 Why do baseball pitchers make excellent bowlers?

Because they know how to throw strikes.

  

Why did the omelet refuse to pitch at a certain ballpark?

The fans were always egging him on. 

 

Why do pack rats make excellent pinch runners?

They are always stealing. 

  

Why did the prospector never go hungry?

There was always something in his pans. 

 

How do mechanics fry their French fries?

In an oil pan. 

  

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I hope you enjoyed these jokes. Thanks for reading!

A joke for Wednesday, October 19th

Two quick jokes for tonight:

 

 After a heated debate, two candidates entered a bar and ordered a drink, the bartender shook his head, saying “We don’t serve clowns or bloodsuckers here, and you two both qualify as each.”

 

 A politician had had a long day of drumming up votes, on his way back to his hotel, he decided to cut through a graveyard to save some time. As he was walking past a grave, a ghost appeared. The ghost took one look at who was walking past before running away screaming in fear.

 

Thanks for reading!

Fishy humor for March 30th

As everyone enjoyed the fishy joke from last week, I came up with a few more, I hope you enjoy them!

 

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Why did the investor refuse the cannery owners offer of lunch?

Something smelled fishy.

 

Why did the programmer go fishing?

He was looking for a byte.

 

Why was the computer called the best fisherman around?

Because he had a lot of bytes.

 

Two clowns were juggling flaming torches as they walked down the beach. When they met a man with a rod, one turned to the other and asked “Does something smell fishy?” The other clown replied “Now that you mention it, I do smell something reel strong.”

 

Why did the policeman always hate walking past the cannery?

There was always something fishy going on.

 

Did you hear about the robbery of the fish truck? It was found crashed into a food dye factory. No one knows who stole it, there were just too many red herrings.

 

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I hope you enjoyed these jokes tonight. Let me know if you’d like more fishy jokes in the future.

Thanks for reading!

Jokes for November 11th

It’s Wednesday night, that means it’s time for some jokes! I only have a few for you tonight, also they are likely very bad jokes, but they should still be worth a chuckle.

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Why did the knife think it was a ship?
It was a cutter.

When the architect became a star quarterback, everyone said it was because of his huts, regardless of whether or not they were in Omaha.

A politician, a CEO and a pigeon walked out not a flower shop. The pigeon hopped out not a stool, looked at the florist and said “Don’t look at me, I’m not with those crooks.”

A farmer and a hockey player chase a kid into a restaurant, after several tables are knocked over, the hockey play grabs the kid, turns to the farm and says “I’ve finally got your goat.”

How do you know if a gallon of milk has gone bad?
A good place to start is wanted posters.

Why did the knife take up tightrope walking?
Because he wasn’t dull.

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Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed these jokes!

Jokes for October 7th

Three things have converged tonight:

  1. It’s Wednesday night, joke night.
  2. It’s October, time for spooky stuff.
  3. Baseball playoffs are in full swing.

Just what does this mean you might wonder, it means that at least for tonight, I’ve got jokes that feature baseball and monsters of one kind or another. I hope you enjoy!

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Why do catchers hate pitchers who are vampires?
They drive the catcher batty.

Why was the baseball team of vampires the best in the league?
Because they suck the life out of other team!

Why was a strangler the best player playing against vampires?
Because he choked up on the bats!

Why was a zombie baseball team always the worst of league? 
Because they’re always looking for new brains.

Why did the zombie pitcher get cut from the team?
He had no arm.

A werewolf was looking forward to attending a baseball game, he had won a ticket that included a chance to get a picture taken with the stars of the team, unfortunately for the werewolf he tripped and fell against the mascot, which was an old star with a bat, just as the moon rose. The headline said it all ‘Silver slugger knocks out wolf.’

What do baseballs fear the most?
Bats!

Why was the baseball team of spirits not expected to win?
They didn’t have a ghost of a chance.

Why was the werewolf chimney cleaner named the manager of the baseball team?
He knew something about sweeping.

Why did the general manager consult a coven of witches to turn about the team?
They needed to win for a spell.

Why were the politicians unable to set the lineup for their charity baseball game?
Because they kept debating about who was going to be the star.

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I hope you enjoyed these jokes tonight.

Thanks for reading! 

A bit of everything 

I have a bit of everything for you tonight, from food to jokes, random thoughts to whatever else I come up with. I hope you enjoy!

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A bowl of ice cream is best served thusly:

 Two scoops of vanilla ice cream with brown sugar, chocolate sauce (hot fudge is better) and a strawberry on top. Allow the ice cream to melt just enough to mix with the brown sugar.

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When a parrot stole a pirate’s treasure, which he used it to purchase a snack factory, he told everyone “Polly will never want for a cracker again!”

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Blogging should be fun, however some days it can be very hard to come up with ideas, unfortunately there are very few ways to get past the occasional post lacking a firm idea.

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Cats are crazy, need I say more?

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Weekends are short, blog post should be the same on Friday nights.

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 If Julius Caesar had been a cat, might he have said “I came, I saw, I slept.”?

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Finally, I leave you tonight with one more joke, it’s a favorite of mine and I hope yours:

A man walked into a truck stop and ordered a hamburger, as an after thought he added “Hold the pickle.”
 A few moments later, Harry, the truck stop’s harried short order chef whose was very hairy, came marching out on the kitchen and thrust a dripping cucumber into the man’s hand, saying “Hold your own pickle!”

Thanks for reading!

Jokes for May 6th – corrected

Wednesday night again, where is the week going? Are you ready for some funny jokes? What about some slightly humorous puns, riddles and other jokes? Hopeful these will be more than modestly funny, no matter what I promise you that you doughnut want to miss these!

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Jokes:


A baker bought a circus on a lark. After spending several months changing the acts and substituting other chefs for the performers, he opened to the public, declaring “doughnut miss it!”

A baker was blackmailed by a bank robber. The bank robber wanted the baker to rob a bank for him. The baker pretended to go along with the plan even as he informed the police. When the bank robber was arrested, he asked the baker why he went to the cops, the baker replied “I like dough as much as anyone, but I doughnut want to go to jail.”

When the jockey ate a pastry before every race, people began to say he was a dough nut.
When the startup needed cash to expand, it turned to someone who knew about cash, a doughnut.
 
When the bakery ran out a key ingredient, they had to substitute cola before the cooked the doughnuts, when a customer asked why the doughnuts tasted odd, the baker replied that they used a new kind of baking soda.
Others:


Why did the banker start a bakery?
He was a doughnut.

W
hat did the almond become when it fell in to a vat of batter?
A doughnut.


What type of golf course holes do bakers enjoy?
Doughnut holes.

Failed joke:
It never fails, at least one joke that should work doesn’t, still I’ll let you read it, maybe you can fix it, if so post it in the comments.

When the software company merged with the bakery, they developed doughnuts that could record data like CDs, they called them Cdoughnuts.

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I hope you’ve enjoyed these jokes tonight. Thanks for reading!

Sorry for the earlier formatting errors, I think I have all of them corrected now.

Jokes for April 29th

Tonight I have some interesting jokes for you. Since the Kentucky Derby is this Saturday, I thought I’d share some horse racing related jokes with you. I hope you enough these, if you don’t simply say niegh.
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Jokes:
When the baker won every horse race he bet on for a year, everyone said he was on a roll.
When the wealthy baker bought a horse with the intent on running it in the derby and willing the triple crown, everyone said he was a doughnut.
When the jockey ate a pastry before every race, people began to say he was a dough nut.

While flipping pancakes, a chef was asked what horse would win the derby, he said it was a toss up.

When the vampire lost his bet on the derby for the hundredth time, it drove him batty.

Whys:
Why do vampires hate horse races?
Because of the stakes.

Failed jokes:

These jokes just didn’t work, I don’t find them very funny, but they have at least a small possibility. What can you do with them? Try your hand a rewriting them and leave your attemp in the comments!

Why did the horse need new shoes?
Because his were running out of luck.

Why did the jockey carry a horse shoe at night?
Because he couldn’t  carry a lucky star.


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Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed these jokes.

Jokes for April 15th

Its Wednesday night again, time for some jokes! I hope you enjoy them!

Whys:

Why did the baseball pitcher love dunking vegetables into the deep fryer?
He lived putting the batters down.
Why did the baseball manager sing  while making pancakes?
He wanted the batter to swing.

Why did the chef love deep frying fruits all day?
He enjoyed frittering the day away.

Why did the chef deep fry his pocket watch inside a pumpkin?
He wanted to fritter the day away.

Why did the pirate turned gardener always eat liver while planting certain flowers?
Because he was a lily-livered land lubber!


Whens:


When a baseball loving chef was deep frying and ran out of something, he called to his assistant “Batter up!”
When the baseball pitcher retired, he became a chef of some renown when it was discovered that he had a very particular way of making flavored pancakes, he did them in a ridged order,  he explained that he liked putting the batters down in order.
When the new restaurant  opened, its owner decided to use cocoa beans for the bar, he called it a chocolate bar.

Jokes for January 14th

It’s Wednesday night again! That means that I’ve got a new batch of jokes for you tonight! I hope you enjoy these jokes, they might not be the best, but I hope you’l get a few chuckles from them.

Did you…

Did you hear about the chef who printed a newspaper on a pancake?
It was hot off the grill.

Did you hear about the scientist who transformed hisself into sodium?
He was the salt of the earth!

Did you hear about the soft drink that became a pastry chef?
It was a baking soda.

Joke

An unscrupulous factory owner built a soap factory on the top of a hill, cutting corners wherever he could. One day while he was touring the factory, a vat burst, sending a wave of soap down the hill.
Seeing a lawyer coming toward him with a subpoena, he took off running, unfortunately he forgot about the soap on the hill and fe to hi death.
The news that night reported that the factory owner traveled a slippery slope.

Which is better?

Here are two jokes, they have the same theme to them, I want to know which one you think is better. Let me know in the comments.

What do you call a croissant that is a pickpocket?
A sticky bun.

Did ya hear about the pastry that became a thief?
It was a sticky bun.

Thanks for reading, I hope you’ve enjoyed these jokes tonight.