How to destroy a classic movie: Creature from the Black Lagoon

It’s Friday night again and we’re going to have some fun redoing a classic movie again.
Tonight I’ve chosen Creature from the Black Lagoon to rewrite. While it’s a great movie, I think we can make it a blockbuster flop tonight.

The plot

As you most likely already now, the plot of the original movie is a half-man, half-fish creature that is found somewhere up the Amazon… and not the website either.
An archeologist/professor finds a fossilized hand of the creature, sends details back and gets an expedition sent to search for the rest of the skeleton, however a living creature has found the group the arcologist/professor left behind to keep an eye on the fossil and killed them.
The expedition is trapped when the creature builds a dam behind their boat and starts to attack the scientists while he waits to kidnap the single woman aboard.

Our movie

Our first task is to change the name, while the original tile is a fine title, we’re going to add a bit of humor to our movie.
Our new title: Creature from the Black Legume.

A tomb is discovered in an uncharted part of the Amazon, a team of specialists are airlifted in to explore the tomb. After unsealing the tomb, the specialists are stunned to find that the only thing the tomb contains is a single black bean.
One year later, in a green house in North Dakota (or wherever you want to set it), a scientist has received the black legume and has planted it.
That night there is a lighting storm that hits the greenhouse, awakening the bean, or rather the creature inside it.
When the scientist arrives the next morning, the greenhouse is in ruins, only the single legume is unharmed, but it’s grown quite large, the scientist soon realizes that the legume is feeding of the other plant, unfortunately he doesn’t realize that it’s also feeding on anything that it can until his assistant is killed by the plant.
A special team of mercenaries is sent in to destroy the legume, but before they can, an alien invasion begins.
The aliens are too tough for humans to defeat and our only hope is to convince the aliens to attack the legume and hope they destroy each other.
Little do the scientists and generals know that the legume is actually an alien being who was trapped on Earth millennia ago and the aliens are there to rescue it.
Th black legume enters the alien ship and departs, leaving behind no sign of it’s existence… except for a single strand of DNA a scientist finds an begins to grow a new legume.
The End

I hope you’ve enjoyed this remake, I know I’ve had fun writing it.
Feel free to comment on this or suggest a movie for next week.
Thanks for reading.

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How to destroy classic movies: Gone With the Wind, take four

It’s Friday night, what’s more it’s the last Friday in May, which means it’s the fourth and last time we’re redoing Gone With the Wind.
We’ve remade it as a storm chasing movie, a future apocalyptic movie and a sci fi epic, this week we’re going to do a period piece… but it’s not going to be a direct remake.
Let’s get started.

The plot:

The basics of the plot we need to remember for our remake:

1: The main actress is named Scarlet and her romantic counter in Rhett Butler.
2: The one phrase Scarlet says that everyone remembers is in the scene where she is standing on a hill saying “As god is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again.”
3: Rhett’s most memorable phrase is “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
4: Civil War.

Due to how we’re going to redo the movie, we won’t be able to destroy Alanta, however I believe we can find another city to destroy to please viewers.

Our story:

Set in revolutionary France, we find our heroine, Marie ‘Scarlet’ , being romanced by the Marque Rhett de Butler.
Scarlet is a peasant, of course, while Rhett is an aristocrat, so we have the knowledge that nothing good can come from this relationship, this is reinforced when Scarlet is introduced to the French queen, Marie Antoinette, who keeps talking about cake every time she’s seen.
There should be some filler scenes added next, say horse riding, hunting, ect.
For dramatic purposes we should have Rhett married to someone besides Scarlet, it also sets up the next part of the movie.
Now we come to the revolution, starting with the storming of the Bastille, where Scarlet’s brother and father are being held.
We see the battle, including Scarlet being injured, either by a sword or being shot, the added blood gives the viewers something to worry about.
The scene zooms in on a delirious Scarlet, who mutters “As god is my witness, I’ll never eat cake again!” before blacking out.
We then see the nobles being captured and killed (note: if you want to add horror movie amounts of gore you can show the guillotine at work… Remember that the fake blood companies need to stay in business).
After Scarlet recovers, she discovers Rhett hiding, he begs her to keep his presence a secret and to help him escape, she agrees when he offers to take her to England and marry her (his wife died by guillotine he tells her).
With Rhett’s escape comes an opportunity for action, we should have a runaway carriage, the driver killed by an arrow, a daring attempt by Rhett to bring it to a stop (it doesn’t matter if he secedes or not, just so he and Scarlet both live through it), a sword fight between Napoleonic troops and Rhett, even Rhett running through gunfire (he’d escape without a scratch, of course.), finishing with Rhett swimming the English Channel.
Right before Rhett makes good his escape (leaving Scarlet on the shore), he has a scene with Scarlet: she begs Rhett to take her with him, he kisses her tenderly, than says “I only needed you to get the guards, my wife is in London.”
Scarlet says something along the lines of “What am I to do? You’ve ruined me!”
Rhett gives his famous,”Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” line right before jumping into the English Channel just in time to escape the guards chasing him.

This is a good chance to take a change of viewpoint, we can show scenes of Napoleon conquering parts of Europe, this is where we have cities burning, true they aren’t Atlanta but this is the best we can do.
Next we see Waterloo, the defeat and retreat of Napoleon and his army.
We begin to end our movie seeing the triumphant allied armies marching into France to restore the French monarchy.
Rhett enters Paris in the wake of the army, Scarlet is waiting for him at his former residence, she confronts him and fatally shoots him. As he lays there, dying, he asks her why. Scarlet laughs hysterically and shouts “Frankly, Rhett my dear, I don’t give a damn anymore!
Fade to black.

I hope you’ve enjoyed seeing four ways to remake Gone With the Wind, I’ve enjoyed writing them, however frankly my dear readers, I don’t think there’s a damn way we could do a fifth remake.
Thanks for reading and please feel free to add your thoughts. I hope you got a chuckle or two from this.

How to destroy classic movies: Gone With the Wind, take three

It’s Friday night and that means we’re going to remake yet another classic movie.
Remember each remaining Friday in May I’ll show you another way that Gone With the Wind could be remade.
Last week we remade it using five key parts of the plot and adding in a tornado, tonight we’ll be doing something entirely different.
Let’s get started.

The plot:

The basics of the plot we need to remember for our remake:

1: The main actress is named Scarlet and her romantic counter in Rhett Butler.
2: The one phrase Scarlet says that everyone remembers is in the scene where she is standing on a hill saying “As god is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again.”
3: Rhett’s most memorable phrase is “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
4: The burning of Atlanta.
5: Civil War.

Our movie:

Tonight we’re going to add a sci fi aspect to Gone With The Wind.
First off we need to slightly change the title, all we’re going to do is add the word Solar to the title, which makes it Gone With The Solar Wind.
Our movie takes place in the not too near future, Mars has been terraformed, but most humans still live in domes, which are typically referred to a ‘Forts’.
The Earth Union has imposed new taxes and restrictions on Mars residents. Mars rebels, forms the Martian Confederation.
War breaks out, and we’re suddenly interdicted to the Venusian Federation, which has declared its neutrality… and it uses it’s smuggling prowess to the best of its ability, all while plotting to take control of the solar system after the war between Earth and Mars is over. We’re also introduced to Rhett, smuggler and spy, butler by day, smuggler by night.
Shortly afterwards, we meet Scarlet, ‘Sandy’ to her friends. She’s the daughter of a farmer of a Martian plant that is used as a drug by the masses on Earth. She lives on her family’s plantation just outside Fort Atlanta. Smuggler Rhett is a frequent visitor and buyer of the plantation crop.
We should be treated to at least one and hopefully multiple scenes were Rhett is piloting a small smuggling ship through enemy lines, maybe even getting in to a firefight with Earth Union ships.
One day while Scarlet is shopping in Fort Atlanta, Earth launches an orbital attack, penetrating the defenses of Fort Atlanta, causing explosions and fires.
The orbital attack tears a hole through the new atmosphere of Mars, threatening the survival of everyone on Mars.
Scarlet somehow survived the burning of Atlanta, returns to her home, where Rhett is picking up another shipment… and dropping off a load of weapons for the rebels.
Scarlet gets in to an argument with Rhett about his callousness about the damaged atmosphere of Mars, he ends the argument by saying his famous line, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”.
In a fit of rage, Scarlet shoots Rhett… Or tries to, it turns out her gun is empty, Scarlet declares to her father “As Rhett is my witness, I’ll never go without ammo again!”
Seeing the writing in the stars, Mars puts all of its efforts into building a colony ship and abandons Mars, setting out to discover a new planet to settle on, leaving the message on the now vacant buildings, the message stats that “Mars will rise again!”
As the Martian Confederation is out of the way, the Venusian Federation launches there attempt to invade Earth.
Fade to black.

Now I’m well aware that there are a few loose ends, but I’m just going to let your imagination settle those.
Also it goes without saying that there would be epic space battles between scenes.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this take on rewriting Gone With The Wind, I had fun writing it.
I apologize for any typos.
Please leave your thoughts below.

How to destroy classic movies: Gone With the Wind, take two

It’s Friday night and that means we’re going to remake yet another classic movie.
Remember each remaining Friday in May I’ll show you another way that Gone With the Wind could be remade.
Last week we remade it using only three key parts of the plot and adding in a tornado, tonight we’ll be doing something entirely different.
Let’s get started.

The plot:

Tonight we’re going to focus on another aspect of the movie… The war, the only key part of the movie we didn’t use last week, the rest of the plot will remain the same to allow for the most artistic license.
The five points:

1: The main actress is named Scarlet and her romantic counter in Rhett Butler.
2: The one phrase Scarlet says that everyone remembers is in the scene where she is standing on a hill saying “As god is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again.”
3: Rhett’s most memorable phrase is “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
4: The burning of Atlanta.
5: Civil War.

Our movie:

We start with a burst of gun fire and several explosions, along with the date, which is sometime in the distant (or not so distant) future.
A bit of background gets established next:
1: This is a future USA.
2: This civil war began as a series of protests.
3: The protests began after the government ruled that tomatoes could no longer be used in preparing pizzas.
4: A number of states ruled that the Feds couldn’t regulate tomato usage.
5: A number of states declared themselves neutral and refused to send troops into the pro tomato states.
6: Further complicating things was that the ‘1 percent’ hired mercenaries for protection and became a third front in the war.
7: A forth front broke out as the pro tomato states became divided on the issue of goat cheese on pizzas.

These should be outlined as new stories, battle scenes, ect.
With those fact fully outlined, we realize that this is going to be a long movie, cue product placement with a gusto (which is not a pizza topping).
Next we see our heroine, Major Scarlet, talking at a peace conference with her mother’s ex butler, Rhett, whom Scarlet nearly married before learning that he supported goat cheese on pizzas (Scarlet is an anti-goat cheese, pro tomato rebel).

Talks break down, the war continues. Fronts move back and forth with no one gaining my ground, until the key battle, near (where else?) Atlanta.
All four sides invade and destroy all of Atlanta.

Another peace conference ensues after Atlanta is abandoned.
Rhett and Scarlet meet again, again they disagree about pizza.
Rhett says “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn… about pizza unless it has anchovies on it.”
Suddenly the peace conference is under attack. Scarlet takes cover, pulling out her cell phone to order air support, looks at it a curses, “As god is my witness, my next phone will be a (product placement opportunity)!” She shouts as the building is leveled.

Somehow Scarlet survives, as does Rhett, but the war is over, all sides lost as English troops invaded and reclaimed the colonies and everything else, becoming a super power with practically no losses and declare that they put down the revolution after all… Also that if you like your pizza, you can keep your pizza.

Scarlet and Rhett marry, argue over which British tv show is the best.
The end.

So what do you think? Do you think this plot is better than last weeks? Did I end it too quickly? Let me know what you think.

How to destroy classic movies: Gone With the Wind

It’s Friday night and that means we’re going to remake yet another classic movie. Tonight I’m going to start something a bit different, I’m going to make this movie the movie we’re going to redo for the rest of the month, each remaining Friday in May I’ll show you another way that Gone With the Wind could be remade, I hope you’ll enjoy them.
Let’s get started.

Plot:
While the original movie and the book that started everything has a detailed plot, we’re not worrying about any of that, we’re just sticking to a few key parts of the plot form the original movie:

1: The main actress is named Scarlet and her romantic counter in Rhett Butler.
2: The one phrase Scarlet says that everyone remembers is in the scene where she is standing on a hill saying “As god is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again.”
3: Rhett’s most memorable phrase is “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
4: The burning of Atlanta.

With those four key parts we can build a great movie without a plot.

Our movie:

A group of storm chasers are following a tornado, the only two we really care about are Scarlet and Rhett. It’s just an ordinary day… Until the tornado merges with four others and becomes the worst tornado ever seen on Earth.
It takes out a nuclear power plant and rains radioactive debris down on Atlanta, sparking fires galore.
As the storm chasers arrive in Atlanta, one of them, an unimportant one, stumbles into a pile of radioactive waste and dies.
As the tornado is continuing along its devastating path toward the sea, the remaining storm chasers follow it, ignoring the danger and their lost comrade.
Rhett drives into the outskirts of the wind, Scarlet tries to get a hold of officials to warn them, but she doesn’t have a single. In her annoyance, Scarlet shakes her phone and declares, “As god is my witness, I’ll never go without wifi again!”
They get ahead of the storm, they think they are safe, but the last spare storm chaser dies somehow, it doesn’t much matter how, only he has to die and Scarlet must be broken up over his death while Rhett isn’t.
Scarlet demands an answer to why Rhett isn’t saddened by the loss of their friends, he replies “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give… A dam!” The last two words come in a shout as he realizes that the tornado caught up to them and just destroyed a dam, sending a wall of water at them.
The wall of water draws close, horror is plain on both Scarlet and Rhett’s faces… Fade to black, the end.

Now that is our first try at remaking Gone With the Wind, I hope you’ve enjoyed it. I’ve got another, completely different idea for remaking it, I hope you’ll join me next Friday for it.
Thanks for read and please leave you thoughts below.

How to destroy a classic movie: Saboteur

Tonight I’m attempting something I’ve never done before during these weekly acts of movie ruining, tonight I’m attempt to ruin a movie Hollywood style that was directed by one of the the best, if not the best, directors of all time, Alfred Hitchcock.
This week I’m looking at the great movie ‘Sabotur’ a 1942 movie about an innocent man accused of murder and sabotage during WWII.
In brief, the plot is this:

Innocent man works at factory, along with his best friend, another man who is the real saboteur and others. Attempting to put out the fire that was set, the innocent man hands a fire extinguisher to his friend, only it’s been filled with gas, the friend dies and the innocent man finds himself under suspicion of sabotage.
He flees, realizing who was really behind the sabotage and knowing where he’s gone due to an envelope he saw.
What follows is a cross county chase, involving plenty of police, a blind man, a pretty woman who has her face on everything including billboards, a threat on Hoover dam (then know as Boulder dam), kidnapping, blowing up a battleship and culminating in a harrowing experience on the Statue of Liberty.

You can read more details on Wikipedia here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saboteur_(film)

Now let’s begin our work on adjusting this classic into a modern movie.

We can keep the name, it’s fine. Let’s call our hero Jim, our heroine Janet and the real saboteur Freddy.
Now for the setting. While an airplane factory worked during WWII, we need something more modern, so we’ll use a cyberwar fare unit based in Alaska.
Now we need some kind of sabotage, let’s use a computer virus that overloads the base’s miniature nuke plant.
While trying to preform an emergency shutdown, Jim’s friend is killed, the saboteur wipes all record of his existence and makes good his escape.
Jim escapes from jail, where he was incarcerated on suspicion of murder, he’s told that he was the only person working at the cyberwar fate bade besides his friend who died.
Further making good on his escape, Jim finds himself in the wilderness with only a dogsled and a blanket thrown around his shoulder in lieu of a jacket, he also has a tracking device in his arm that transmits his location every six hours.
Somehow he reaches the safety of a deserted cabin and removes the tracking device with a knife (this adds enough gore that it’ll get the attention of horror movie fans if done correctly).
Now Jim has only to navigate through the wilderness during a blizzard, his goal is a retired general who had once met Freddy during an inspection tour and who might believe Jim.
After nearly freezing to death at least twice, Jim arrives at the retired general’s home, but he’s greeted by Freddy, who’s the general’s minion. Jim learns that the General had a dastardly plan to be called back into action, Freddy is only one part of the plan to turn vital secrets over to unfriendly governments.
Jim is forced to flee once more, barely escaping the police by stealing a motorboat, which happens to have Janet on board.
Janet is a famous actress who doesn’t believe Jim at first, until the general’s men kidnap her to force Jim to cooperate.
They are taken to Florida, where Jim is expected to be traded to an enemy agent in exchange for a pizza recipe (this adds humor to the story and it might be called a comedy).
Jim and Janet escape and flee into the Everglades, this sets up several death defying sequences with alligators… Not to mention wildfire, undoubtedly there are even more horrifying ways to die I the Everglades if Hollywood wants to use them.
Now everything gets wrapped up as Jim and Janet stumble into an undercover installation of British spies who were already investigating the sabotage and have enough on Freddy and the General to send them to jail for years.
Jim and Janet live happily ever after, or until the General escapes and kidnaps Janet, it all depends on if a sequel is wanted.

I hope you’ve enjoyed ruining another classic with me!
I’m sorry this post is a bit late tonight, I also apologize for any typos that I might have missed.
Feel free to comment below.