Welcome back!

With the U.S. Government reopening, I want to take a moment to welcome back all of the readers of my blog that haven’t been about to keep up while they were ‘furloughed’.

Welcome back NSA,  FBI, CIA, NASA, ACME, and all others! I’ve missed your wonderful comments that never show up and I feel sure that you will bring much back to my blog now that you’re reading this again.

 

So what did the Government shutdown get us? A debt limit that’s being ignored and not much else… That reminds me of a joke:

What do you call a debt limit that doesn’t exist? A credit line!

 

Now if you thought that joke was good, just wait until you’ve heard some of the other ones I’ve thought up!  I’ll try to write one in every blog post until someone begs me to stop.

 

I’ll be honest, I’m starting to miss the government shutdown, it made for easy posts, there was almost always something to blog about with the government shutdown, now I’ve got to find new things to make fun of. Oh well, at least it’s only 90 days until I get new fodder galore when they shutdown Washington again!

 

It was recently in the news about the kangaroo that managed to get inside an airport pharmacy. I don’t know much about airports, but I do wonder what that kangaroo was doing there, I would have thought it would have tried to get on a plane to the U.S. we’ve got a great new healthcare program starting up, he could have gotten a good plan… for twice what he was all ready paying, of course.*

 

Thanks for reading and let me know what I should make fun of next!

 

*This is based entirely on what I’ve heard reported in the news and should not be taken as anything other than a bit of humor, I apologize if anyone feel insulted by my words.

 

A cat’s suggestions about the government shutdown

The following is the essence of a conversation I recently had with a friendly cat:

 

To get everyone to get along it was suggested that they roll in catnip.

In response to a question about how the government shutdown was affecting the ‘normal’ people in the ‘rat race’, my source said that real rats would run much better with a few cats chasing them.

According to this cat, the real difference between the two major political parties in the same as the difference between birds, the feathers might be different, but all birds fly the same.

In response to a question of mine about filibusters, it was suggested that a better brand of  treats might make a big difference.

In answer to a question of mine regarding the desks used in congress, my friendly cat suggested that they be replaced by blankets in the sun, she added that not as much would get done, but the politicians should be relaxed enough not to argue as much.

In regards to the debt ceiling, this cat was much more interested in the idea of a fish ceiling and a cream floor.

 

I had many other questions that I wanted her opinion on, but she was quickly distracted by a passing moth. What her solution to the government shutdown might have been we’ll never know.

 

Thanks for reading, I hoped you enjoyed this.

 

 

The magic of the word might on Wall Street

Today’s post is all about the magic of the word “Might” on Wall Street.

As all of you know, the U.S Government is shutdown. What you might not be aware of is that on Friday (October 11, 2013) There were rumors that a deal was in the works to restart the government and raise the debt ceiling.

While most of us are willing to watch the goings on of politicians and secretly laugh at them, Wall Street brokers, traders, speculators and embezzlers took it as a sign of great things to come and the stock market soared! A few figures (thanks to Yahoo Finance):

Dow: Up 111.04 points.

NASDAQ: Up 31.13 points.

S&P: Up 10.64 points.

Now in any game you’d say that’s pretty good. Considering that millions of dollars weren’t spent yesterday that normally would have been if the government was working, I’d say that those numbers are great!

All because a few people suggested that there would be a deal reached on Monday! That leads me to believe that the words “Might”, “Could be”, “Deal” and “Monday” have some kind of magic connected to them. So, without any further ado, I want to mention a few things:

 

  1. There’s a “rumor” that “next week” I “might” be signed to a multi-year contract to do a show on a major TV channel every “Monday”.
  2. I “might” have  a a way to make billions of dollars tax free every day.
  3. There “might” be a comet made of fudge  hitting Earth on “Monday”, it would be a sweet deal.
  4. I “might” be named emperor of Earth on “Monday”.
  5. There “might” be a “deal” in place to name me owner of every baseball team in the world on “Monday”.
  6. “Monday” marks a time in the universe that “might” lead the the destruction of every atom in the aforementioned universe.
  7. I “might” have a post on “Monday” regarding “deals” that “could be” quite important.

 

While it’s possible that any of those could come true, it’s only about as likely as the government restarting on Monday. That said, if the people on Wall Street want to bet on it… well, just make sure to give me a small cut… I’ll need it to run my baseball teams.

 

Thanks for reading and enjoy your weekend!

I’m Taking a page from the government’s book

I have decided to shutdown new posts on my blog today.
I didn’t want to, but my left hand wants to write about the benefits of eating broccoli (though I’m not sure why I’d ever write about that!), while my right hand wants to write about fiscal responsibility, my mind on the other hand wants to make fun of stuff.
Therefore, I’m taking the rest of today off. Thanks for reading.

Are cats behind the Government shutdown?

While wondering what I should post tonight in relation to the Government shutdown, it suddenly struck me that cats might be behind the whole shutdown. Why do I say this? Look at the parallels:

 

  • A cat just curls up and sleeps when it doesn’t want to see how the weather has changed.
  • The whole government has shutdown (which is kind of like sleeping).
  • A cat will snub a fresh can of food if it feels like it.
  • Both major political parties have refused (snubbed) all reasonable compromises.
  • A cat hisses and bars its claws when threatened.
  • A political party hisses and bars its claws when threatened.

 

Now if you try to apply logic to this (which is nearly impossible if you can’t see both sides of an argument), you should come to the conclusion either all politicians are cats, or all cats are politicians.

Now before any one comes to the defense of cats, I agree that cats aren’t politicians, that’s nothing but an insult to any cat!

However I feel that there might be something to my argument, perhaps a few disgruntled cats are teaching politicians their tricks in exchange for better treats, or perhaps politics are part of a subtle plan by cats to take over the world, if it is, I wish that they’d just hurry up and take over, they couldn’t do any worse than what we’ve got… in fact being ruled by cats would most likely be an improvement.

 

Please leave your thoughts in the comments, I always enjoy hearing from anyone who reads my blog!

How would sports weather a shutdown like the Government?

In trying to come up with another post about the government shutdown, I suddenly wondered how professional sports would react to such a problem. I’m not referring to a lockout or strike like sports have, but rather where the owners couldn’t come to an agreement regarding a league budget. Here are my thoughts:

 

General sports:

 

Several teams would leave the league and form a rival league, they would last a season or two before rejoining the main league.

Other teams would continue to play in a normal fashion, only when it was time to divide the earnings the heavy hitters would be called in to brawl it out in the team offices… oddly enough, this would spawn a new sport league/ reality series where former sport players who were known for cheap hits would compete against one another for a jackpot in a no-holds barred contest.

 

Specific sports:

 

Football: Football wouldn’t have to worry as TV networks would quickly step in a make up any difference in budget with a lucrative offer for the rights to televise certain games.

 

Soccer: Nothing would be done for several months until the players declare their contracts null and void and create their own (player owned) league.

 

Hockey: Few people besides the players would care, most players wouldn’t care too much either as they would join teams in their home countries.

 

Baseball: The season would be canceled until the dispute is resolved. After several months it would boil down to two sides on the issue and it would be settled by a home-run derby by the best players (or former players) on each side of the debate.

 

Come to think of it, that might be the best way to solve debates in Congress: select the best athletes from each side of the debate (there could be many sides as well instead of just two)  and let them settle it in a contest of skills, there could be several categories, from running to swimming, from shooting hoops to hitting baseballs or slapping pucks. To top it off, they could charge admission to watch! The concession fees alone would probably pay for the wages of Congress for a week!

What do you think? Should we abandon the deadlock politics we currently have for politics decided in stadiums?

What the government shutdown means to me

The government shutdown, to me, means that my blog isn’t getting viewed by the NSA, so viewership is slightly down.
Also national parks, forests and monuments are closed. Seeing that it’s fall now, I don’t see anything too wrong with that… Come spring it will matter to more people. However I’ve solved that problem, I’ll share my salut ion with you tomorrow night.
There are a few things wrong with the government shutting down I’m sure… But I can’t think of what they are at the moment.
Perhaps the government shut down is just what this country needed. Perhaps it will force us to see that the government is in fact too big.
Should nothing resolve the Government shutdown, we might just be forced to come to terms with how much waste and corruption is in the government, if so we just might find ourselves with a better government in, oh 72,000 years or so.
Tomorrow I shall share my solution for getting the national Parks, Forests and monuments back open.
Thank you for reading, and please let me know what your thoughts are thank you.