Can’t we just get along?

First it was a drawn out election, now that the election is over, we half have a country complaining that their candidate lost, some are even trying to split up the USA, the others are just spitting.

 Isn’t it time that we put our differences aside, forge ahead and try to work out a compromise? Isn’t there some common ground that we can find? If not, I’m sure most people would settle for coffee grounds.

 Instead of people trying to make the best of things, the losing side is complaining and saying that the country has gone backwards, which is semi true, after all  we just set our clocks back over the weekend.

 There are no winners and losers, we’re one country, but we’re divided, we need to find the common ground and work from there. Maybe it’s hopeless, but it needs to be tried before everyone just gives up and….

Whoops, too late, it’s a new election cycle! The race for 2020 is underway! 

  

 In a completely unrelated note, I’d like to declare my candidacy for president in the 2032 election, by then I hope to have a bigger blog following.

 

 I’ll have jokes for you tomorrow night, thanks for reading.

Friday thoughts for January 15th 

Tonight I have a handful of thoughts to share with you, they might be odd, strange or thoughtful, enjoy.

 

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The political season is in full swing, though that isn’t anything odd, it’s always time for political pandering. After all the votes are counted, it’s time to begin again, you might say politics are a self renewing resource.

 

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 The only thing more confused than politics is the weather, or more accurately the weather forecasters. The more technology they get, the worse they manage to predict the weather. At the current rate, I predict that within a few decades, they will be predicting snow in the middle of summer.

  

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2016 isn’t looking like a good year to be famous, just look at how many celebrities have died so far this month….

 

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Now for something much happier… happy birthday to the great actress, Margaret O’Brien, who turned 84 today.

 One of the great child stars of the 1940s, she has stared in many great movies, such as: Meet Me in St. Louis, Our Vines Have Tender Grapes, The Secret Harden and many more.

 

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 Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this post.

My take on Politics

To increase viewership on my blog, I’m going to randomly try a new topic on here… But be warned that I’m going to add my own brand of humor to it.
Tonight I’m talking politics, if I do everything right, I’ll be elected into every office in the world by new year.

One topic that is a political hotspot is immigration, illegal and otherwise.
My friends, I have the ultimate answer to forever ending illegal immigration, not only will it protect jobs, keep the military busy and allow people to travel as they wish, it will also increase funding to scientists.
How do I propose to do this you might ask, with a controlled series of 4 steps I answer.

1: perfect cloning technology.
2: clone the greatest military leaders of all time, Ceaser, Napoleon, Alexander the Great, George Washington, Grant, Lee and all other leaders that won great battles.
3: put the cloned military leaders in charge of the military.
4: conquer the world.

With that done, there will no longer be illegal immigration, money will all be standard, no passports will be needed anymore. Also war will be finished once and for all as there will be no one left to fight.
Now I’m quite aware that many people will be skeptical about my plan, many might expect my plan to fail as certain groups will never accept my brand of world peace. I have an answer for those people: you’re going to help colonize Mars!

Thanks for reading and please let me know what you think of my take on politics!

A few Halloween costume ideas

Here’s a few unique Halloween costume ideas, you should have enough time to make these (I hope!):

 

Everyone wants a scary Halloween costume that’s also relevant, one option (if you’ve got a bunch of friends) is to go as a number from the National Debt, if you’ve got enough friends you could all line up and scare millions of people!*

Another good, scary, idea is to go as your least favorite congress person, just be careful where you go, some people might not be too friendly.

Vampires are always good, only please stay with the old-time vampire, like Dracula.

Zombies are overdone, as are ghosts and pirates, however if you combine all three and go as a ghost of a pirate zombie, you’ll have a very unique costume and should get a few people ask you what your costume is.

But if you really want to go as something scary, something that everyone will recognize and run from, go as the new healthcare website. This is one costume that I will nearly guarantee will get you all the candy you want, you’ll just have to pick it up from the ground as the givers will be running away or will faint.

 

Thanks for reading, I really hope you enjoyed this post.

Leave a comment with any other ideas!

 

*You would need about a trillion friends, which is the downside.

Welcome back!

With the U.S. Government reopening, I want to take a moment to welcome back all of the readers of my blog that haven’t been about to keep up while they were ‘furloughed’.

Welcome back NSA,  FBI, CIA, NASA, ACME, and all others! I’ve missed your wonderful comments that never show up and I feel sure that you will bring much back to my blog now that you’re reading this again.

 

So what did the Government shutdown get us? A debt limit that’s being ignored and not much else… That reminds me of a joke:

What do you call a debt limit that doesn’t exist? A credit line!

 

Now if you thought that joke was good, just wait until you’ve heard some of the other ones I’ve thought up!  I’ll try to write one in every blog post until someone begs me to stop.

 

I’ll be honest, I’m starting to miss the government shutdown, it made for easy posts, there was almost always something to blog about with the government shutdown, now I’ve got to find new things to make fun of. Oh well, at least it’s only 90 days until I get new fodder galore when they shutdown Washington again!

 

It was recently in the news about the kangaroo that managed to get inside an airport pharmacy. I don’t know much about airports, but I do wonder what that kangaroo was doing there, I would have thought it would have tried to get on a plane to the U.S. we’ve got a great new healthcare program starting up, he could have gotten a good plan… for twice what he was all ready paying, of course.*

 

Thanks for reading and let me know what I should make fun of next!

 

*This is based entirely on what I’ve heard reported in the news and should not be taken as anything other than a bit of humor, I apologize if anyone feel insulted by my words.

 

A cat’s suggestions about the government shutdown

The following is the essence of a conversation I recently had with a friendly cat:

 

To get everyone to get along it was suggested that they roll in catnip.

In response to a question about how the government shutdown was affecting the ‘normal’ people in the ‘rat race’, my source said that real rats would run much better with a few cats chasing them.

According to this cat, the real difference between the two major political parties in the same as the difference between birds, the feathers might be different, but all birds fly the same.

In response to a question of mine about filibusters, it was suggested that a better brand of  treats might make a big difference.

In answer to a question of mine regarding the desks used in congress, my friendly cat suggested that they be replaced by blankets in the sun, she added that not as much would get done, but the politicians should be relaxed enough not to argue as much.

In regards to the debt ceiling, this cat was much more interested in the idea of a fish ceiling and a cream floor.

 

I had many other questions that I wanted her opinion on, but she was quickly distracted by a passing moth. What her solution to the government shutdown might have been we’ll never know.

 

Thanks for reading, I hoped you enjoyed this.

 

 

The magic of the word might on Wall Street

Today’s post is all about the magic of the word “Might” on Wall Street.

As all of you know, the U.S Government is shutdown. What you might not be aware of is that on Friday (October 11, 2013) There were rumors that a deal was in the works to restart the government and raise the debt ceiling.

While most of us are willing to watch the goings on of politicians and secretly laugh at them, Wall Street brokers, traders, speculators and embezzlers took it as a sign of great things to come and the stock market soared! A few figures (thanks to Yahoo Finance):

Dow: Up 111.04 points.

NASDAQ: Up 31.13 points.

S&P: Up 10.64 points.

Now in any game you’d say that’s pretty good. Considering that millions of dollars weren’t spent yesterday that normally would have been if the government was working, I’d say that those numbers are great!

All because a few people suggested that there would be a deal reached on Monday! That leads me to believe that the words “Might”, “Could be”, “Deal” and “Monday” have some kind of magic connected to them. So, without any further ado, I want to mention a few things:

 

  1. There’s a “rumor” that “next week” I “might” be signed to a multi-year contract to do a show on a major TV channel every “Monday”.
  2. I “might” have  a a way to make billions of dollars tax free every day.
  3. There “might” be a comet made of fudge  hitting Earth on “Monday”, it would be a sweet deal.
  4. I “might” be named emperor of Earth on “Monday”.
  5. There “might” be a “deal” in place to name me owner of every baseball team in the world on “Monday”.
  6. “Monday” marks a time in the universe that “might” lead the the destruction of every atom in the aforementioned universe.
  7. I “might” have a post on “Monday” regarding “deals” that “could be” quite important.

 

While it’s possible that any of those could come true, it’s only about as likely as the government restarting on Monday. That said, if the people on Wall Street want to bet on it… well, just make sure to give me a small cut… I’ll need it to run my baseball teams.

 

Thanks for reading and enjoy your weekend!

How would sports weather a shutdown like the Government?

In trying to come up with another post about the government shutdown, I suddenly wondered how professional sports would react to such a problem. I’m not referring to a lockout or strike like sports have, but rather where the owners couldn’t come to an agreement regarding a league budget. Here are my thoughts:

 

General sports:

 

Several teams would leave the league and form a rival league, they would last a season or two before rejoining the main league.

Other teams would continue to play in a normal fashion, only when it was time to divide the earnings the heavy hitters would be called in to brawl it out in the team offices… oddly enough, this would spawn a new sport league/ reality series where former sport players who were known for cheap hits would compete against one another for a jackpot in a no-holds barred contest.

 

Specific sports:

 

Football: Football wouldn’t have to worry as TV networks would quickly step in a make up any difference in budget with a lucrative offer for the rights to televise certain games.

 

Soccer: Nothing would be done for several months until the players declare their contracts null and void and create their own (player owned) league.

 

Hockey: Few people besides the players would care, most players wouldn’t care too much either as they would join teams in their home countries.

 

Baseball: The season would be canceled until the dispute is resolved. After several months it would boil down to two sides on the issue and it would be settled by a home-run derby by the best players (or former players) on each side of the debate.

 

Come to think of it, that might be the best way to solve debates in Congress: select the best athletes from each side of the debate (there could be many sides as well instead of just two)  and let them settle it in a contest of skills, there could be several categories, from running to swimming, from shooting hoops to hitting baseballs or slapping pucks. To top it off, they could charge admission to watch! The concession fees alone would probably pay for the wages of Congress for a week!

What do you think? Should we abandon the deadlock politics we currently have for politics decided in stadiums?