Tips for a Zombie Apocalypse

Zombie apocalypse… it’s a term thrown around often right now, but few people have good, real life tips about one. Here are a few tips of mine, whether they are good or not we won’t know until such an event occours.

The worst time for a zombie apocalypse is around halloween, just because most people won’t realize that it’s a real apocalypse and not just a riot with people dressed up like zombies.
Once zombies are overrunning the world, the time to prepare will be over. You need to gather your stashes in advance.
First off you should have a secure place to live, with windows as narrow as possible, think arrow slits as were used in medieval castles, no zombie will be able to get through those.
Next you’ll want a secure upper floor, one that can be completely isolated from the rest of the building. Remember, without access to a floor, no zombies can reach you. If your building is built from steel, stone or perhaps brick, you’ll be much safer as well, these structures are build strong enough that even a sea of undead won’t be able to knock it over.

When you are outside four safe house, you should always carry several gallons of some kind of oil. An oil slick (even vegetable oil) wll slow down those zombies!
Also a torch is something you should carry, a dried out zombie will be just as vulnerable to fire as any monster from an old movie.
If you make sure you have a long term food supply, even jut a few months, you should be safe, the undead won’t be able to survive too long, if nothing else they will run out of prey after a few weeks at most- except for anyone following these tips.

Now to turn everything around, a few tips for those of you who might find yourselves undead zombies intent of killing all living humans:

Cheaply built homes will be vulnerable to attack by multiple zombies, use the largest zombies as rams to batter down doors.
Watch out for armed humans, let the foolish zombies around you take them out, just be ready to dispose of those zombies quickly yourself, remember that the undead don’t play by any rules.
Avoid politicians and tax collectors, they are another kind of undead already and might be more dangerous than any humans you encounter.

I’d offer more tips for zombies, however I’m not rooting for them to win.
Thanks for reading, I hope you’ll keep an eye out for related posts early next week.

How to destroy a classic movie: Stagecoach

It’s Friday night, time to rewrite another classic movie!
Tonight we’re going to redo Stagecoach, it’s been remade once before, but not the way we’re doing it!
Let’s have some fun!

The plot:

For the most part, Stagecoach is a typical western, it has an outlaw, a sheriff, Indians on the war path and gun fights and of course the namesake stagecoach.
In addition there is a whiskey seller and an embezzling banker and others.

Our movie:

For a change we won’t change either the name or setting (it’s still in the old west anyway) of the movie. We’ll set it shortly after the civil war.
An odd assortment of people board a stagecoach, heading to Dodge city for various reasons.
Fifty miles from nowhere, the stagecoach is held up by the James gang, with little or no gunfire. The James gang takes off, heading in the same direction that the stagecoach was heading.
A little while later, at high noon, the stage comes to a river and stops to water the horses. Suddenly the stage is attacked by Indians, but not just any Indians, zombie Indians!
But wait, after a bloody gunfight where the stagecoach’s driver and passengers barely manage to fight off the zombies, they suddenly realize that they aren’t who they should be, they are carrying lasers instead of colt revolvers and rifles.
They struggle to piece together their real lives, flashbacks can be used here to great advantage, each one of the passengers is actually for the dis taint future, a future where zombies have overrun everything, these few are the last humans, they managed to trace the zombie bacterium to a ranch near Dodge city a few years after the civil war, it had been harmless until it mutated somehow. They decided to go back through time to eradicate the original bacterium in Doge city.
However a few zombies somehow managed to follow them back through time and start spreading the plague that destroyed humanity in the past.
Next the James gang reappears, only this time they are zombies as well! Custer appears with his troops and saves the day. He learns what’s happening and promptly declares that he’ll wipe them out… After he’s done with Little Bighorn, that is.
What happens next is either a bloody battle against the zombies with riffles, or a long discussion about time paradoxes… Followed by an ingenious solution to the newest zombie attacks.
Either way, the zombies are destroyed, the plague is eradicated and humanity is safe once more… Unless they missed a sample of the bacterium, that is.
The heroes from the future ride towards the horizon and the movie is over.

So what do you think? With how zombie movies are in vogue right now, it should be a blockbuster.

Thanks for reading and please feel free to share your thoughts.

Is the Zombie Apocalypse upon us?

Is today the day that we’re overwhelmed by zombies?
As you no doubt have heard by now, Microsoft has declared Windows XP dead, however millions of computers will continue running it (including mine). Since these computers have been declared dead, but are still running, wouldn’t you agree that they are ‘undead’?
In the coming days I expect to see hordes of Windows XP computers shambling down the streets, printing demands for CPUs as they do.
This brings up an interesting question, how do you kill a zombie computer? Can you shoot it? I’m sure a lot of people have wanted to do that anyway over the years. I’m forced to assume that a more drastic step might be needed, such as brandishing a CD with Linux on it in front of the zombies webcam… Wait a minute, that would be for a computer vampire, wouldn’t it?
We’re all doomed, vampire computers are going to be sucking the bytes out of our computing devices! All computers will soon be running Windows XP as they become infected.

While I write this tune in cheek, I’m still going to keep my iPad within arms reach… Just in case. Now where did I leave that silver mouse pad?

Thanks for reading, feel free to comment below.

Watch out Zombies, Sharks are coming!

That’s right, it’s war between the Zombies and the Sharks! Well, maybe not, but I’m noticing a change in movies being promoted.
In recent years there were Zombie movies coming out every month (or it seemed like it anyway), now there are more and more Shark movies being made, only the Shark movies have to have the sharks attacking via an odd weather event. With that in mind, I’ve come up with a list of suggestions for screenwriters who want to take advantage of this trend.

  • Shark blizzard: a normal winter day in New York quickly turns into a day of horror as the latest blizzard brings mutant sharks.
  • Sharks on a comet: Space sharks arrive on a comet that threaten to destroy all life on earth, only the brave actions of a team of Ninja Astronauts can save the Earth.
  • Shark Earthquake: a normal day in L.A. Is suddenly turned into a nightmare as an earthquake releases a horde of prehistoric land sharks.
  • Shark Vortex: a Polar Vortex brings more than meteorologists expect as sharks suddenly fall from the sky in Kansas City during the Super Bowl!
  • Air Force Shark: When Air Force One flys into a storm of sharks, only the President (a former Navy SEAL), a commando chef and an L.A. Detective can save the day.
  • Temple of Sharks: an adventurer searching for a priceless artifact is trapped in a temple as sharks rain down, but he’s also the target of a Nazi sniper, can he survive?
  • You only get eaten once: A British spy attempts to save the world from terrorists who have found a way to attack there targets with a storm of Sharks.
  • And of course the most obvious crossover:

  • Shark Zombies: Need I say more!
  • I’m sure that there are a lot more shark movie ideas out there, but this should get you started… Just remember to give me a bit of credit.
    I’m sure you can cast a few of these ,voices just by the title or discription.

    Thanks for reading! Feel free to leave comments below, I’m always interested in your thought, will shark movies become the next zombie movies? Do you have an idea I missed? Comment!

    Zombies are here!

    Zombie subdivisions that is. According to the news today, http://www.denverpost.com/news/ci_24962818/zombie-subdivisions-abandoned-downturn-plague-colorado-counties there are a number of subdivisions in nearly every state in the USA.
    When I first started reading it, I wondered if they were talking about subdivisions for Zombies, which paints an interesting picture if you think about it for a moment:

    Subdivisions with paint peeling, windows busted out and doors falling off, a family of zombies sitting on a falling down deck.

    Now another interesting thought that hit me was that this sounded like something from a horror movie or book… Which I’m sure will be coming out in the next few months.
    I can see it now, a squad of zombie hunters encounters a subdivision that has been infected with a zombie virus, after two or three of the zombie hunters are killed, it is up to the remaining zombie hunters to kill the subdivision.

    Or: a normal subdivision is jolted out of its passive life when a zombie subdivision arrives to feast on its wi-fi, can it survive?

    That brings up another question, how do you kill a zombie house? I do have a few ideas, but I feel I’d better say that I don’t endorse these ideas for fighting houses.
    If you can kill a zombie by shooting it in the head, you’d have to kill a zombie house in a similar fashion, say by shooting it in a vulnerable spot, maybe in the breaker panel or water meter, a sure fire way would be to shoot the gas meter, but like I said, don’t do this at home!

    Now if, on the other hand, these zombie subdivisions were to be sold to zombies, they could have a few good slogans:

    Building quality homes for zombies since 2005.

    Undead subdivisions with all the features undead buyers want.

    Live your undead life in a undead subdivision built with you in mind. (vampires might enjoy this as well)

    Homes for those with brains.

    Homes to die for.

    I could keep going, but I’m not that interested in zombies myself.

    Thanks for reading! I hope you’ve enjoyed this post! Feel free to comment below.

    Happy Halloween!

    Happy Halloween!

    Today I have a few words of advice to see you through the terrors that you could possibly encounter today:

     

    • Eat a lot of garlic, it’s good for you and if you encounter a Vampire it might drive him away.
    • Carry a few packets of ketchup in your pockets, if zombies start chasing you, just apply it to your skin and clothing, start moaning like the zombies are and imitate their walk, you might be able to move through them without trouble. If you don’t encounter any zombies, you’re still ready for some french fries!
    • Wear a sprig of wolfsbane if you can find one, it’ll help keep away werewolves and you can claim it’s a fashion statement.
    • If you are worried about vampires in your neighborhood, get a steel collar with a chain attached to it, I doubt any vampire has strong enough fangs to go through steel and you would have a number of different costumes to claim it is part of.

     

    As I don’t want to single out any one group, I’ll also add a few tips for any monsters reading this:

     

    • Vampires, don’t wear your heart on your sleeve, it just makes it easier to drive a stake through it.
    • Werewolves, don’t attack normal people, attack those we don’t like, terrorists, murderers, whoever created the healthcare website, ect. No one will go after you, at least I don’t think they will.*
    • Witches, if you don’t give away something besides eye of newt, you won’t get anyone ringing your doorbell.
    • Ghosts, don’t just haunt anyone, haunt the NSA, isn’t it about time someone looks over their shoulders?

    * I am not advocating any werewolf (or anyone who thinks he or she is a werewolf) attack any person or group of persons.

    I believe if you follow these simple suggestions, you will have a good change at having a safe holiday.

    Thanks for reading and have a spooky Halloween!

    Of Vampires, Werewolves and Zombies

    I’ve been reading Dracula this past week and today while I was pondering what kind of Halloween post I could do tonight, it hit me: There’s a direct link between Vampires, Werewolves and Zombies, or the legends of such monsters at least.

    At first glance, there aren’t many similarities between the three monsters, sure, Vampires are said to be able to change into bats and possibly other creatures while Werewolves shift between human form and wolf form, but Zombies can’t change shape at all.
    Zombies and Vampires are both undead, but werewolves aren’t undead, so those aren’t similar.

    The one thing all three have in common (at least according to myths and common culture) are that a bite from any of them will turn a normal human into the thing that bit him. Which is kind of odd if you think about it; why would a Vampire want to turn every one of its victims into another vampire? The world would soon be over run, even if we had a good number of Vampire Hunters around.

    Same with Werewolves, the curse placed on a werewolf is confusing, does it pass from one person to the next with the bite, leaving the biter free from the curse? Or does the curse spread itself until whole packs of werewolves form?

    While that’s an interesting question, one that I invite any werewolf with knowledge of the workings of his or her curse to enlighten us in the comments, that’s not the focus of this post. What I want to explore is the reasons behind the creation of Zombies legends in the past few decades. Let’s begin.

    In basically all zombie movies that plots are the same, Zombies take over part of the world, or all of the world and a few handfuls of people are forced to fight for their very lives. Also if you are bitten or perhaps even touched by a Zombie you are doomed to become one. The question is, what makes such an idea so popular?

    I believe that there is something in the deepest part of the human brain that delights in thinking morbid thoughts like that and perhaps even wants to become something different, something other than a human, even if that something is a flesh-eating mindless being that died and no longer thinks for itself.

    There isn’t that much of a difference between a Vampire, Werewolf or Zombie (no insult to any of those races that may be reading this). They all have roots in the same part of the human brain that enjoys thinking such gruesome thoughts.

    It’s my beliefs that Zombies are just the creature that modern culture needs to stay on edge. Vampires and Werewolves took root centuries ago, perhaps as some warning to fear the night, perhaps as ways to keep children in line, perhaps just to amuse those telling the tales, no matter how that arose, those tales kept being told and retold until large sections of the world either believed in them or wanted the rest of the world to believe in them. Perhaps certain kingdoms used the fear of undead Vampires to keep from being invaded. I’m not sure how the ideas of Vampires or Werewolves got so popular, nor do I believe that anyone can really claim to know, I believe that the origins of these creatures are lost to time.

    In modern times, we grew tired of Vampires and Werewolves, they weren’t current, we needed something stranger, something that we could explain away in our own ways, something untied to the past, or at least something not fully understood. That’s when someone heard something about Zombies, took the name and ran with it, creating the mythology that currently is attached to Zombies, as well as creating our own monster to take its place along side Vampires and Werewolves.

    The only thing missing from our own monster is something to repel it, like Wolfbane is for Werewolves and Crosses and Garlic are to Vampires.

    Thanks for reading, I hope you found my ideas and thoughts enlightening. Please feel free to leave a comment below!

    What if: the zombie apocalypse began on Halloween?

    Have you ever considered what might happen, if the zombie apocalypse would start on Halloween?
    Would we be prepared for it? Would we even realize that it’s happening? Would we believe it, or would we just assume its a modern ‘War of the worlds’ like joke?
    I make fun of the NSA quite often in my blog, but this is one time they might actually save us. What if by spying on us, the NSA is able to determine that we are actually being overrun by zombies? Would they be able to dispatch a strong enough force to destroy the Zombie hordes? Is it possible that they have done this before?
    All I hope is that we survive Halloween without a zombie apocalypse. I’d much rather have any other kind of monsters try to take over. Give me a vampire invasion any day. If I’d become a vampire, my only complaint would be not eating garlic anymore, if, on the other hand, I’d become a Zombie, I’m sure I’d have a lot more complaints…
    In any case, I urge you to be very aware on Halloween. We can never be too careful when facing the zombie apocalypse.

    Thanks for reading. I do have a question for you loyal readers, would you prefer being attacked by zombies or another monster?