How to ruin any food: Oatmeal

Oatmeal, a food which many people despise and as many enjoy. A food that is basic, but easily ruinable.

Are you ready to ruin oatmeal?

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

 The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

History:

The origin of oatmeal is basically unknown. If we try to trace it, we find that there is little or no evidence of when oats were first grown, other than a faint trace in ancient Egypt roughly two thousand years ago that is believed to have been treated as a weed. In Switzerland there is some evidence of oats having been around since the bronze age.

Thus I’m afraid the history of oatmeal will remain lost to time, though I wouldn’t doubt that ancient Rome invented it.

 

What it is:

Oatmeal is basically ground oats reconstituted with water or milk to become a porridge. It is typically served with either a sweet syrup or honey on top, or with fruit and nuts.

 

How to ruin it:

Now we come to the fun part; how to ruin something that is all ready unappetizing for many. It’s not hard, though some few people might enjoy the changes we’re about to make.

First off we need to decide just what we want our oatmeal to be, we have basically these choices:

Sweet

Savory

Healthy

To make things easier for you, I’ll give you a few of each below. Regardless of which you want to make, just make the oatmeal normally, except for as noted in the sweet and savory sections.

Sweet

For a sweet oatmeal, we can take further adjustments than just the toppings.

Instead of water or milk, use one of the following:

  • Hot chocolate
  • Root beer
  • Ginger ale
  • Lemonade

Any of those will add to the sweetness and help with ruining our oatmeal. Now for the toppings, make sure you choose a topping well suited with your choice of liquid replacement, you do not want the two to complement one another.

  • Chocolate chips
  • Marshmallows
  • Honey
  • Your favorite hard candy
  • Ice cream

Mint ice cream would be a great complement to the root beer oatmeal, don’t you think?

 

Savory

Making your oatmeal savory is an interesting idea. Start with your favorite (or least favorite) broth, say beef broth, replacing the liquid in the oatmeal. Other options include tomato sauce, hot sauce and Worcestershire sauce.

Next top your oatmeal with any of the following, again being careful that the topping doesn’t complement the liquid you use.

  • Jalapenos
  • Meatballs
  • Ribs
  • Fried chicken
  • Olives
  • Gummy bears (Hey, bears have to eat too!)
  • Alfredo sauce.

With these ideas, you should have no problem considering the oatmeal ruined.

Healthy

Now come to the most interesting option yet, making your oatmeal so healthy that no one wants to eat it. There are two ways to do this, first we’ll do it the easy way: Add broccoli.

Now we’ll have some more fun, add all of the following on top of your oatmeal:

  • Cauliflower
  • Beets
  • Rutabaga
  • Broccoli
  • Parsnips

While I could undoubtedly find a few more nasty things to toss on top, I doubt I need to. Broccoli will spoil oatmeal for most people in and of itself, save for those few people who actually enjoy it.

One last idea for you on ruining oatmeal, take one or more items from each of these sections and combine them for a truly horrible combination that is sure to ruin your oatmeal, for example:

Use root beer and tomato juice for the liquid. Add chocolate chips, meatballs and rutabagas, cover with chocolate syrup.

 

I hope that this post has been informative on ruining oatmeal.

Thanks for reading, I hope you’ve enjoyed this post as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Please feel free to leave any suggestions for future foods I should ruin in the comments.

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