Welcome to July

It’s July now, which means the year is over half way over no matter how you look at it. This means that all to soon we’ll be seeing summer draw to a close and winter attack.

 However, as it is still summer right now, we must turn our minds to that most necessary task of summer: shopping for Christmas gifts. Yes, it’s almost the time where stores will begin pushing for shoppers to buy nearly everything for the winter holidays.

 To give you a hand, I have a few suggestions:

  • Chocolate chips, everyone loves them and you can always find a use for another bag.
  • Lemon juice, a key ingredient of lemonade and something everyone should give for holidays.
  • Comic books, you can never have enough comic books, but one of every comic book ever published and never worry about eating again, as you’ll never be able to afford food.

On a more serious note, there are several things that you need to remember for this month, such as always making sure you have enough ice for your lemonade, that you’re chocolate chip cookies are made with quality brown sugar. Oh, also you need to make sure you read at least four good comic books a week, this should improve your mood and pass the time.

 These are the days comic book lovers should enjoy, reading out in the summer day, feeling the wind rustle the pages of your comfort c book, turning them before you are ready, all while risking the deadly fate of ice cream dripping on each page because you want to know what happens next even as you hurry to enjoy your ice cream that is already melting.

 One should not forget to savor these nice days of summer, all too soon the heat will hit with a vengeance, after which the summer will quickly fade away until you will wonder where the year has gone, so enjoy every day, savor the little things and eat those chocolate chip cookies before they melt!
Thanks for reading.

How to ruin any food: Rehash or best of the best

Tonight I thought I’d do something a bit different, partly because I didn’t have any good ideas for a ruining food post and partly because I want to remind you of some of my best posts. Some of these you might have forgotten about, or perhaps you missed one, maybe you just started following my blog and haven’t gotten around to reading some of these old post, I just want to share these with you once again:

 

Food names:

The last time I decided to do something different, on July 20th 2014 I posted this post about food names, it was well received and is well worth another glance.

 

http://wp.me/p3pFIg-h4

 

Baked potatoes:

 

From May 3rd 2015, one of my better posts. It ruined baked potatoes and was well received, leading me to wonder if perhaps more people than I thought hate potatoes.

http://wp.me/p3pFIg-p1

 

Cranberry sauce:

Posted on November 23rd 2014, more people liked this one than I expected. When I posted this I was worried about some backlash, after all who doesn’t like cranberry sauce?

 

http://wp.me/p3pFIg-lY

 

Fettuccine Alfredo:

This is perhaps my favorite post in my series of ruining food, besides being fun to write, it was an unexpected pleasure when the nephew of the man who created the dish commented on it.

 

http://wp.me/p3pFIg-on

 

French toast:

 

I published this post on January 11th 2015. It was quite popular and also fun to write. It was perhaps one of my best with the addition of root beer to the french toast.

 

http://wp.me/p3pFIg-nl

 

Gravy:

 

Perhaps one of my most popular ruining food post yet, it was fun and everyone seems to have enjoyed it. From April 26th 2015

http://wp.me/p3pFIg-oV

 

Toast:

This is likely my most popular ruining food post yet. Which seems odd when you think of just how easy it is to ruin toast. From March 15th 2015.

 

http://wp.me/p3pFIg-pj

 

Salad dressing:

 

This was one of my earlier ruining food posts and perhaps one of the least enjoyed. I include it in here to show just how much this series has changed since I began, even the name of the series changed!

This is one post that I should redo soon, it might be interesting to compare a modern version of it to this one, what do you think?

Published May 4th 2014

http://wp.me/p3pFIg-ct

 

I hope you enjoyed this brief look back, this series has come a long ways since I began and I’m sure it’ll continue to change over the coming months.

 

Do you have a favorite ruining food (or ruining meals) post I didn’t list here? Post it in the comments, I always like to hear from you!

Next week we’ll be back to ruining food again. Thanks for reading.

Rumors no one has talked about

Tonight I just have a few rumors I’d like to see, these aren’t real, but they should be!

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A popular tech company is branching out from cell phones, in addition to a smart watch, they are also expected to announce a new device implanted into your teeth to improve voice recognition.

 —————

A kitchenware company is getting into the technology business. They have several chefs lined up to promote their new social media network, called Spice rack, it’s designed to bring cooks together.
Unfortunately all recipes shared on this site will be instantly copyrighted by the promoting chefs.

———————-

A group of dentists, annoyed by the hassle of connecting their drills to their smartphones, have banded together and are preparing to unveil a new wireless technology. Saying that Bluetooth is a bit long in the tooth, the new C.R.O.W.N. system will reduce hassles ten fold.

—————–

A leading root beer manufacturer has announced that they are changing the recipe of their leading drink. Rumors have it that they will either be returning to their roots brewing the drink, or the barrels they age their syrup in will now by made from tree roots.

—————–

A leading airline is expected to announce that they will no longer serve peanuts during flights.

On a related note, the same airline is no longer catering to elephants.

————–

A major metal wrap company was expected to announce that they are signing several super villains to long term commercial contracts, however those plans are on hold since the criminals have been thrown in jail.

A leading super hero is insisting that he has never illegally foiled anyone’s plan. 

—————–

I hope you got a chuckle from these. Let me know if you enjoyed then and I might come up with some others. Thanks for reading!

Jokes for July 2nd

believe it or not, it’s Wednesday night again. I don’t have any new jokes for you this week, instead I thought you might enjoy these favorites of mine:

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Jokes

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A city slicker was visiting a farm, he asked the farmer how things were growing,the farmer said everything was. Coming up roses. The city slicker congratulation end the farm, to which the farmer said “Thing is, I planted beets.”

A man walked into a truck stop and ordered a hamburger, ad an after thought he added “Hold the pickle.”
A few moments later, Harry, the truck stop’s harried short order chef whose was very hairy, came marching out on the kitchen and thrust a dripping cucumber into the man’s hand, saying “Hold your own pickle!”

Jack went to a taco joint south of the border for Lunch, after he had eaten he noticed a rabbi, a cardinal and a cleric making something together behind the counter, curious he asked the proprietor, Jose.
Jose opened his mouth to reply, but a ninja fell from the ceiling, pressed a dirk to Jose’s throat and asked what he wanted on his tombstone.
Being a person who always answered any questions asked him, and knowing that he had only one more chance to speak before he died, answered both questions at one by saying “Holy guacamole!”
Jose was astounded when the ninja laughed, handed him an avocado pizza and left peacefully.

An arch villain decided to start recruiting rabbits for his minions, deciding that he needed a catchy slogan, he settled on ‘hare today, goon tomorrow.

Once there was a child born to a mad scientist and a super villain, she grew up watching as her parents were defeated time and again by superheroes. Deciding to combine the knowledge and powers endowed to her by her patents, she became a super mad scientist villain, she was bent on taking over the world, to that end she raised an army of mutated rabbits. Everything was going according to plan, New York was nearly captured, but then several superheroes united and forced her rabbit army to fall back in an orderly fashion.

 Her minion in charge of the attack reported back “We’ve got a retreating hare line.”

Since there used to be tin works and ironworks and every other kind of works where the object before works was turned into things, what do they make in fireworks today?

When you’re in a boat that starts sinking, you grab a bucket and start to bail. What do you do if your boat hits an iceberg? Use an ice bucket.

How did the carafe make the baseball team? it was a pitcher.
Which is safer to be near, a ripe avocado or a ripe strawberry? 

A ripe avocado, strawberries are always getting into jams. 

An astronomer walked home after shopping for groceries, he never noticed that one of the bags was ripping until he heard a bottle smash onto the street behind him. The astronomer turned and laughed, to a passerby he said “There’s the Milky Way!” 
Why did the chicken fear the comedian?

He butchered his jokes.
A prominent psychologist decided to move his practice to the country, so he bought an old farm. On the farm was an old smokehouse, he turned the smokehouse into his office.

 An actor who was having problems went to the psychologist one day for help, he couldn’t resist asking hm why he had moved his practice to the country, the psycoogist waved off the question as he was eager to get down to business, instead he promised “When we get done here, you’ll be a cured ham!”

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 I hope you enjoyed these jokes tonight.

Thanks for reading!

Farewell to June

Farewell June, ’tis but a year until we shall meet again.

 June is nearly over, so let’s indulge in looking back at this past month and perhaps even the first half of the year.

 June brought odd weather, though weather is always odd, so in other words it was a normal month,  weather wise.

 What else really happened this month: people did things other people disliked, courts handed down rulings, same old same old.

 The most important things anyone could do this past month are:

  1. Read this blog (congratulations, you’re reading it now!)
  2. Drink lemonade (or hot chocolate if you live in the Southern Hemisphere.)
  3. Savor a chocolate chip cookie (who had t done this?)
  4. Enjoy an ice cream sandwich (you know you wanted one … Dozen!)
  5. Plot to take over the world and force everyone to memorize the order of every actor who ever played Doctor Who (that’s what I’d do anyway.)
  6.  Create a new culinary delight including strawberries and Italian sausage.

How many of these did you get done this month?
Now a quick look at the first half of the year:

The weather has been strange for everyone, there have been earthquakes, storms and mysterious sinkholes, in other words, everything has been normal in those regards.

People have done things other people disliked, courts ruled on things around the world, politicians have been blowing up balloons for sightseers, same ole same old.

The two most important things that have been done so far this year are:

  1. Eating chocolate chip cookies (is there anything more important?)
  2. Reading comic books (if you disagree, send a few super villains over to discuss this in the comments.)

So what should you do this week? What else, read comic books and drink lemonade.
 In a side note, why does every TV channel decide to change the time your favorite shows are on? You just get used to something being on at one time, you spend months watching it at that time, suddenly without warning it’s on an hour earlier. Things like that annoy me.
Thanks for reading and enjoy your week!

How to ruin any food: Italian sausage sandwich

Tonight we’re going to ruin an Italian Sausage Sandwich. While not something many people might consider ruining, it is very easy to ruin, it can also be a lot of fun to ruin. Are you ready?

 

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

History:

The history of Italian sausage is quite possible unknown by anyone. After much searching, I am unable to find anything at all out about the history of what we call Italian Sausage.

The most likely possibility for the origin of Italian sausage is either somewhere in Italy or by someone from Italy.

However it is equally possible that it has nothing to do with anyone or anything from Italy and was just named that for the purpose of selling more pizzas. I fear we’ll never know the truth.

 

What it is:

An Italian sausage sandwich is basically an Italian sausage cooked in a seasoned tomato sauce and placed in a bun with mozzarella cheese and Parmesan cheese sprinkled on top.

It can also be made with loose sausage instead of links.

How to make one:

The best way to make an Italian sausage sandwich is to take a nice long roll, cut either a vee in the top or slice it in half.

Cook your Italian sausage with a spaghetti type sauce. Once it’s cooked, place a bit of grated mozzarella cheese on the bottom of your bun, spoon just enough sauce to start melting the cheese (be careful not to put too much sauce on your bun as that will make your bun soft and soggy), put the sausage on top of the cheese and sprinkle Parmesan cheese on top. Pepper flakes are optional.

 

How to ruin them:

Ruining an Italian sausage sandwich can be as easy or as complicated as you wish.

Buns:

First off, I suggest taking a look at my post on ruining bread: http://wp.me/p3pFIg-jA

The ideas in it are easily adapted to ruining buns.

Now we turn to other ways to ruin the bun part of an Italian sausage sandwich.

Plain bread: this is an excellent way to ruin an Italian sausage sandwich as normal bread is very soft and will easily become soggy, which is a perfect way to ruin it.

Rye bread is also a good alternative, it has a taste that doesn’t go well with any Italian food, plus it will get soggy quite easily.

 

Sausage:

Changing the sausage in an Italian sausage sandwich will really ruin your sandwich and is possibly the easiest way to ruin it.

Links:

  • German sausage: nothing says Italy like a German sausage, right?
  • Swedish potato sausage: Almost as good as German sausage, only with potatoes and onions.
  • Breakfast sausage:  Another sausage worthy of ruining your Italian sausage sandwich, plus these sausages are normally much shorter and won’t fit your bun – nothing is worse than a sandwich made of mostly bread.

 

Loose:

There are many more options with loose sausage sandwiches than with links:

  • Chopped sesame chicken in spaghetti sauce: Calling this an Italian sausage sandwich is horrible and an automatic ruin.
  • Tofu: need I say more?
  • Diced onions in barbecue sauce: Even worse than chopped sesame chicken, it will ruin your sandwich even if you love onions.

 

Sauce:

The widest option you have for ruining an Italian sausage sandwich.

  • Melted strawberry ice cream.
  • Ghost pepper salsa.
  • Sloppy Joe sauce.
  • Sweet and sour sauce: Just don’t pair this one with chopped sesame chicken.
  • Strawberry jam.

 

Cheese:

Also one of the most options available to you to ruin an Italian sausage sandwich.

  • Grated white chocolate
  • Grated Horseradish
  • Whipped cream
  • Swiss cheese
  • White Cheddar
  • Monterey jack
  • Blue cheese: This counts as two ruins in one as blue cheese is moldy.

That’s all the ideas I have tonight, can you think of anything I left out? Let me know in the comments.

This should keep you busy ruining Italian sausage sandwiches for quite while, or at least until next Saturday night when I hope you’ll join me again to ruin another food!

Thanks for reading!

 

Thoughts for a Friday night

Tonight I’ll share a few thoughts with you, whether or not they are funny or not are another matter entirely.

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Blog posts can be hard to write, not only because you don’t have a clue what to say, but because anything you do say has a good possibility of being misunderstood and turned into something the likes of which would upset many people.

 This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t write what you want to say, instead it means that you need to put a bit extra thought into what you say and word it carefully enough that you can blame autocorrect if someone misinterpretes it.

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 With all the odd weather that has been happening around the world, is it surprising that it’s being blamed on humans? Look how many politicians we have today compared with a hundred years ago, that’s where the climate change is coming from: the hot air of politicians.

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Whiles I do my very best not to comment on many of the events going on in the world, besides NSA spying and a few other things, I do have many things I might say. One of which is that while history is written by the winners, we should be wise enough by now not to go jumping at each and every little imagined insult and using that as an excuse to change history.

 Leave the changing of history to trained time agents, they get paid to do that.

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 I admit it, I’m guilty of reading a few teasers about the next season of Foctor Who. I’m also guilty of devising a few answers to the teasers.

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Cats can be crazy, but you knew that. Cats can also be smart enough to get into and out of nearly anything, but you knew that as well.

What point was I trying to make? None at all, just adding a bit of filler to this post.

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I’m still slowly (way too slowly) working on a few ideas for future posts. These will be posts on days I normally don’t post on, like I promised a few weeks ago, don’t worry, it’ll be worth the wait, I hope.

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That’s about all for tonight. I hope you found this post interesting. I know it was a bit odd, but that’s just the way it happened.

Thanks for reading!

Jokes for June 24th

Another Wednesday night, another round of jokes. Some jokes can be funny, some jokes can be silly, some jokes can actually be thought provoking, a joke might even speak volumes on politics , religion, world events or many other current things people worry about, then there are these jokes. Enjoy!

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Jokes:

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A snake went into a town and tried to open up a business selling various fats for cooking. It didn’t last long as the town had banned snake oil salesmen.

A hockey player retired and got a job delivering packages for a large bank. One day he was delivering a package to a gas station, the owner of the gas station refused to take the package, saying “Sorry, we don’t take checks here.”

——————–

Whats  

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What happens if you steal a jewel before crossing a cow and a chef while riding in a roller coaster?
You get a milkshake and a grilling, along with some ups and downs.

What did the clerk say when the garbage can vanished?
That stinks.

What do snakes have in common with crooked sea captains?
They are both slippery.

———————-

Hows 

———————


How do you tell the difference between an egg, a safe cracker and a was here’d up pilot?

One gets cracks, one cracks and the other cracks up.
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

We’ll never find out because the bill authorizing the changing of the light bulb died in committee on a party line vote.

—————–

Whens 

—————-


When the bull rider rode a horse at the rodeo, every news outlet used the same headline: No bull.

When a cat jumps straight up in the air, can you say it’s catsup?

When the cat made the baseball team, it was delighted to hear that he’d be playing against a mouse the next day, it turned into  little more than a cat and mouse game.

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I hope at least one of these jokes made you chuckle.

Thanks for reading and keep laughing until next Wednesday.

June: a bug in summer’s ear

Now that Summer has officially begun here in the northern hemisphere, the summer heat is in full swing. There isn’t much you can do about the heat, besides complaining of course, but there are many ways to make the most out of it.

 This is the one time of year no one is going to wonder why you’re eating ice cream five fives an hour, or drinking two pitchers of lemonade during the day.  On the hottest days of the year, it’s also acceptable to eat ice cream sandwiches as a meal, at least as long as you don’t tell anyone, then you’d have to share.

 However, no matter how much you enjoy ice cream and lemonade, there will be a point where you’ll find yourself growing tired of them, this is the point you’ll have to go to some extra work.

 Lemonade can be made fun and tasty again by adding to it, strawberry lemonade is a favorite of many people, something becoming more popular is cranberry lemonade. You might also try limeade, it’s different enough from lemonade that it’ll refresh your tastebuds.

 Ice cream sandwiches can also be spruced up, just eat them while sitting in a spruce tree. You could also make your own ice cream sandwiches by putting a scoop of your favorite flavor of ice cream between two chocolate chip cookies.

 Another way to forget about the heat is to settle down in the coolest place you can find and read a good comic book, you want something dull and boring, or something taking place in the arctic, or Siberia perhaps.

 Don’t expect to see much of your cat right now: cats are smart, they know when to sleep, in this case all day and part of the night, they will be active in the early hours after the temperature cools off, they’ll think you should be active then too, expect them to encourage you to wake up in the middle of the night to feed them.
 All in all, this time of year isn’t too bad if you can just kick back and relax with frozen lemonade and a comic book. I hope you can find time to relax this week.

Thanks for reading.

How to ruin any food: Milkshakes

Milkshakes, an interesting item of food. Is it a food? A beverage? Something in between? It doesn’t matter because we’re going to ruin them tonight!

Are you ready? We’re going to sour the idea of milkshakes for everyone!

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

History:

The history of the milkshake dates back to the last ice age when a starving caveman found a cow and milked it, the cow was shaking from the cold, thus was the milkshake born.

Actually, the history of the milkshake is hard to place, there is little if any reliable information on when or where it was first made. Every reference I’ve been able to find is copied from Wikipedia, which while it might be correct, I prefer to have more information then that article offers.

So unfortunately the exact origin of milkshakes might never be known.

If you have any information on the history of milkshakes be let me know in the comments.

 

What it is:

A milkshake is basically milk and ice cream at its most basic, whipped together until smooth and frothy.

Flavors are often added to milkshakes, such as chocolate, vanilla, or fruits like strawberries.

 

How to make one:

Making a milkshake can be fairly easy, just add your milk and ice cream in a bender and mix until it looks right.

You can also add syrups and nearly anything else you want to your milkshake before you blend it together, such as chocolate syrup.

There is quite a bit of debate on whether you should just use vanilla ice cream, or if you should use the flavor of ice cream that you want your milkshake to resemble (i.e. chocolate ice cream for a chocolate milkshake). I’m not going to get into that debate, I’ll leave it up to you.

 

How to ruin a milkshake:

Ruining a milkshake can be very easy, or as hard as you want to make it.

First off you should glance at my post How to ruin any food: Ice cream ( http://wp.me/p3pFIg-fq ) for a few ideas about ruining the ice cream itself. Most of those ice creams can ruin a milkshake by themselves, such as the avocado ice cream.

Syrups:

If you’re going to add syrups to your milkshake, consider any of these instead:

  • Onion juice
  • Hot sauce
  • Salsa
  • Guacamole (To make it even worse, try a ruined guacamole: http://wp.me/p3pFIg-nu )

If you want something that looks like a chocolate milkshake, try one of these:

  • Soy sauce
  • Worcestershire sauce
  • Hot dog chili

If you want something that resembles a strawberry milkshake, try one of these:

  • Ketchup
  • Sweet and sour sauce
  • Spaghetti sauce

 

Ice cream replacements:

Yes, you read that correctly, you can replace the ice cream in your milkshake to ruin it.

 

  • Cottage cheese
  • Sour cream
  • Limburger cheese (this also gives your milkshake a distinctive aroma.)
  • Stale bread
  • Over cooked pasta
  • Tofu

 

Milk substitutes or additions:

Finally, we turn to the milk, without milk you’d only have a shake. There are many things we could replace the milk in our milkshake with, nearly anything in fact, however I’ve narrowed the options down to the following, each one picked for how much it’ll ruin your milkshake. Also remember that you can also just add any of these to your milkshake without replacing the milk.

  • Olive oil.
  • Lemonade
  • Lard (softened of course).
  • Melted margarine
  • Bacon grease
  • Alfredo sauce

That should give you quite a few options for ruining milkshakes this week.

I hope you enjoyed ruining milkshakes tonight.

Do you have a favorite way to ruin milkshakes? Tell me in the comments!

Thanks for reading, I hope you’ll join me again next week when we ruin another food!