How to ruin any food: Oatmeal cookies

I guess it’s been quite awhile since I ruined a food, tonight I hope to make up for that.

I’m  going to ruin oatmeal cookies tonight, if you enjoy oatmeal cookies, I’m sorry. If you dislike oatmeal cookies and wish more people did, make a batch of these for your friends and I promise you they won’t enjoy oatmeal cookies anymore!

Please note that I’m ruining pure oatmeal cookies tonight, not oatmeal raisin cookies, those are worth a post of their own one day.

Are you ready?

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

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What it is:

 

An oatmeal cookie is a flat cookie normally made with rolled oats. Some oatmeal cookies are frosted or iced, while others are enjoyed plain.

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History of oatmeal cookies:

The origins of oatmeal cookies are hazy at best, just like the best foods that I’ve ruined here.

A common belief is that oatmeal cookies are descended from oat cakes made by the Scots and British. At some point during the middle ages raisins were added.

It appears that what we know as an oatmeal cookie today didn’t really exist before some time in the 1880s, roughly.

For more information of the probable origins of oatmeal cookies and the history of oats and oatmeal in general, I heartily recommend the following site:

http://www.foodtimeline.org/foodcookies.html#oatmeal

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How to make oatmeal cookies:

Oatmeal cookies are among the easier cookies to make, they can contain as few six ingredients or quite a few more, depending on the recipe you use.

A basic oatmeal cookie recipe looks something like this:

 

1 cup butter

1 cup brown sugar

1 & 1/2 cups flour

2 eggs

1  & 1/2 cups rolled oats

1 tsp vanilla

Mix everything together and bake at 350° until golden brown, roughly 10 minutes.

 

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How to ruin them:

 

Now we come to the fun part, ruining the oatmeal cookie!

There are many ways of ruining this cookie, odd as it may seem for such a simple cookie.

 

Oats:

The first place to start is with the oatmeal itself.

  • Use oat grass (the edible stalk of the plant that produces the oat) and corn meal. You’ll end up with something nice and ruined, but yet healthy.
  • Use whole oats, this will result in an inedible cookie, effectively ruining the cookie.
  • Make your cookie without outs of any kind and bake them, as soon as you remove them from the oven press a handful of dried rolled oats on the top, while still edible, they will be dry and unappetizing.
  • Make a dry gruel out of your oatmeal and bake without any addition. These will be nasty tasting and ruined.
  • Soak your oats briefly in water with blue or green food coloring, with luck anyone eating one will be wondering if it’s moldy.

While there are likely other ways to ruin the oats, I think these are enough for tonight.

Butter:

Ah, butter, another wonderful way to ruin anything.

The easiest way to ruin butter is to add food coloring to it, I prefer blue or green, of course, but purple or red will work just as well.

Brown your butter first: melt it in a pan and cook until it turns brown, this supposedly  increases the taste, however we want to go well beyond browned to nearly blackened, then allow it to harden up again before using it, this will add a nice burnt taste to your oatmeal cookies, which at the very least will have your guests glancing at the bottom of the cookie to see if it did burn, which will ruin the experience of eating the cookie.

 

There are many other ways of ruining butter, such as replacing it with rancid lard, but I think the ideas I’ve mentioned are enough for tonight.

Frosting/icing

If you want to frost or ice your oatmeal cookies, there are many ways to do that which will ruin them. I suggest using mashed potatoes or sour cream.

For more ideas, please check out my post on ruining frosting: https://mageowl.wordpress.com/2015/12/06/how-to-ruin-any-food-frosting/

Other ways:

There are a number of other ways to ruin oatmeal cookies:

  • Bake them until they are blackened.
  • Under bake them so they are still gooey.
  • Add cayenne powder to the batter.
  • Add curry powder to the batter.
  • Bake them six months in advance.
  • Add root beer to the dough.

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That’s all the ideas I have right now for ruining oatmeal cookies, have I missed any? Let me know in the comments!

Thanks for reading!

 

Steampunk post #1

While I don’t like this title, it’s the best I had tonight.

 

 It can be hard to know where to begin in regards to steampunk. Therefore I’m going to try to take it one part at a time over the next few weeks.

 My blog isn’t going to become steampunk centered, but I’ll likely have one post a week. If there are any parts of steampunk that you want me to go deeper into, feel free to let me know.

  

 Steampunk is a separate genre from the other related genres, such as clock punk, diesel punk, sandal punk, ect.

The main differences between the genres is that steampunk always uses steam to power interesting devices, as opposed to clock punk that focuses on clockwork powered devices, however there is a lot of crossover between the two genres.

I use the term genre a bit loosely here, as steampunk has moved from books to cosplay and general decorations.

 Over the next few weeks I’ll be covering the history of steampunk, the tropes associated with it, airships and even a few of my favorite steampunk books.

 I hope you’ll enjoy this series of posts.

Thanks for reading.

Humor for April 27th

Believe it or not, it’s Wednesday night again, which means it’s time for some humor!

 I have a few jokes, puns and general bits of humor for you tonight, I hope you enjoy!

 

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Why did the flower grower take up shipbuilding in April?

Because he needed a few Mayflowers.

 

 

What did the inspector say when the box of eggs was pushed off a table?

That they were knocked off.

 

 

When a ghost starts to drink, you might say that the spirit was in good spirits.

  

 

The soufflé chef couldn’t make the baseball team as manager because he couldn’t get the batter up.

 

 An artist who specialized in carving marble statues was hired to carve a statue out of cheese, he worked diligently on it. His employer checked in to see how the statue was coming, the artist just said “So far so Gouda.”

 

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I hope you enjoyed the humor tonight. Thanks for reading!

Are the days getting shorter?

Are the days getting shorter? It sure seems like there isn’t  enough time to get everything done in a day.

 Hence the reason some of my blog posts are a bit shorter than they used to be. I’ll still have long posts, but I might be a bit briefer in some of my posts for a while.

 I’m still working on trying to set up some kind of schedule for my posts, but nothing is yet set in stone… Not that I’m going to start blogging on stone or clay tablets.

  I hope that everyone is finding that they have enough time to get things done this week, or at least enough time to watch your cats act crazy.

 

Thanks for reading.

Food mash-ups: Chicken Cordon Bleu Chimichanga

Tonight I’m combining a Chimichanga with Chicken Cordon Bleu, it’s an interesting experiment and I hope you enjoy it!

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Chicken Cordon Bleu Chimichangas

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Tonight we have Chicken Cordon bleu from… somewhere  and Chimichangas from… well the origin of both of these foods depends on the story you wish to believe, more on that in a bit.

 

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Histories

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Chicken Cordon Bleu:

 

Chicken Cordon Bleu at first glance seems likely to be from France, however it most likely is an American invention, or it was corrupted from various European dishes.

There are two dishes that are very similar to Chicken Cordon Bleu: Chicken Kiev (from the Ukraine) and Veal Cordon Bleu (from Switzerland).

 

Chimichanga:

 

The humble Chimichanga has several origin stories, each one seeming at least semi possible.

Several restauranteurs in the Tucson Arizona area lay claim to the invention of the Chimichanga, mostly in the 1940s, with stories varying from wanting to keep burritos longer, to accidents and swearing.

Another legend says that the chimichanga comes from Sonora, Mexico and have been eaten since the early 1900s.

An interesting and strange origin idea springs from that legend and goes further to claim that the chimichanga was a Chinese invention translated into Mexican food.

 

More on these rumors can be found on the following sites:

http://www.ocweekly.com/restaurants/was-the-chimichanga-invented-by-chinese-in-mexico-6624206

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chimichanga

 

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What they are:

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Chicken Cordon Bleu is a dish consisting of a flattened, boneless, skinless chicken breast wrapped around a slice of ham, which is wrapped around a slice of cheese. The cheese varies from recipe to recipe, but it is normally Swiss, mozzarella or a similar cheese.

 

Chimichangas are at the most basic a deep-fried burrito.

They often consisting of shredded meat instead of ground and seldom if ever have refried beans inside them. Sometimes shredded cheese may be added inside if they are going to be eaten unsmothered.

Chimichangas are often smothered in green chili, cheese and sour cream.

 

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Now that we have learned a bit about the histories behind our two foods, along with the basics of them, let’s get done to the cooking of our new dish!

 

What you need:

Flour tortillas

Ham (thin slices or diced)

Cooked chicken (Thinly sliced or diced, leftover chicken works well)

Cheese (Cheddar, Swiss or mozzarella. Or all three if you want.)

 

These are very simple to make, just take a tortilla and add roughly equal parts of chicken and ham, add a bit of cheese, taking care to evenly distribute everything and keep it in a neat row all while leaving roughly two inches at each end.

To fold up the tortilla start with one end, then the other followed by the sides. Use cooking toothpicks to hold them together, normally one at each end will suffice.

Now all that’s left to do is to fry them until they are crisp. You can either deep fry them or use a skillet if you prefer.

 

Finishing touches:

 

There are a few more things that you can do to top off your Cordon Bleu Chimichangas:

  • Serve covered in Hollandaise sauce with a chili pepper sliced on top.
  • Serve covered in green chili with a dollop of sour cream.
  • Serve with a bowl of guacamole sauce on the side for dipping.
  • If smothering with sauce, add more cheese.
  • Eat it as is.

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There you have it, Chicken Cordon Bleu Chimichangas. I hope you enjoyed this recipe. Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments below.

Thanks for reading!

A quick week 

It’s been a quick week, too quick in fact. I haven’t been able to get the special posts I was planning on finished yet, however I’ll have them ready next week.

 

I’ve been thinking about having a few posts regarding steampunk, I’m curious if anyone is interested in steampunk and other related things or not, let me know in the comments.

 

I missed my humor/joke post this week and apologize for the lack of humor this week, rest assured that I’ll have jokes next week.

 

 I’ll leave you with a two classic jokes, I hope you enjoy:

 

After a bloody battle, Blackbeard had lost most of his crew. He began setting pots of dirt all over his ship, much to the dismay of his crew, when he began putting maize seeds in them, the crew demanded an explanation. He replied “We need more pirates, These plants are a good source of buccaneers!”

 

Why did the mad scientist create a machine that could only cause rain inside buildings on farms?
He wanted to go barnstorming!

Another Monday in April

It’s been another Monday in April, nothing more, nothing less.

 Mondays can be… odd, to say the least. No matter what you have planned, it almost never works out.

 April is almost as bad in itself, you can never be certain what any day is going to bring. It’s a month of changes as it sits smack dab between winter and spring, which means you can have warm weather one day and snow the next.

 However not everything is bad about Mondays in April, they often go by very quickly, plus there are aa limited number of them every year.

 

 I’ve been neglecting my blog this month I realized, I haven’t gotten as many posts in as I should have, which is something I’m hoping to rectify starting this week.

  Keep your eyes open for a few special posts over the next few days.

 

I hope that this week goes smoothly for everyone. Thanks for reading!

Humor for April 13th

It’s Wednesday night again, how did that happen? Luckily I do have a few jokes for you, I hope you enjoy them!

 

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Why does Spring make the best meals?

It always starts with the seasons.

  

What food rules the kitchen?

The big cheese.

  

What snack is always considered crazy?

Crackers.

  

Why did the potato farmer prefer leftovers?

He enjoyed rehashing them.

  

What did the grape grower say about his new drying process?

He loved raisin the grapes.

  

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I hope you enjoyed these jokes.

Thanks for reading!

It’s a Monday in Spring

Spring Mondays are not quite like normal Mondays.

During Spring, we still have hope for our teams as baseball season is just underway.

We also have Summer to look forward to, which means lemonade and ice cream, two things that can make even a Monday look good.

 So sit back, savor that last mug of hot chocolate and dream of Sumer, baseball, lemonade and ice cream.

Thanks for reading.