‘Are we all here? Good, let’s begin.’
‘Is there any old business?’
‘Who cares about old stuff, unless we’ve forgotten about it long enough that it’s new again.’
‘Is there any new business?’
‘We need to plan out our attack for tonight, it’s an important date, April first.’
‘I propose we each select code names before anything else.’
‘We all ready have code names, Belly rubber and Feeder gave them to us, remember?’
‘I agree, we don’t need other names.’
‘Fine, Fluffy, Spot, if that’s what you want, I just want to go on the record as being opposed.’
‘So noted, Squeekum. Now what’s the plan?’
‘Fluffy, you will hide behind the door while Spot makes as much noise in the kitchen as possible, I’ll place a toy mouse right in the path by the door, when either belly rubber or Feeder walks to the door, Fluffy will let out her most bloodcurdling scream and run past. Spot will run the other way and surprise whoever is in the doorway. I’ll wait in the bathroom while Fluffy begs for water, I’ll be hiding in the sink, that will confuse and terrify one human.’
‘What about getting extra food?’
‘Ah, that’s the beauty of our dastardly plan, Fluffy will have the humans pity, they will give Spot food just to calm him down, and I, I will be the unfortunate cat who either is half drowned from a faucet, or they will think me so cute for sleeping in the sink that I’ll be able to get as much food as I want! Bwhahaha!’
‘Hey, what’s this Siri thing on this plate I’m sitting on? And why does it want to publish our minutes to a blog?’
‘You fool! Now the humans will know everything! Our plans are ruined!’

Marching out

March is on its way out, which means an e d to marching humor in these titles, at least until next year.

At least the weather is as unsettled as always, unseasonalble warm today, but winter like by the end of the week, unless the weather casters are wrong again, which wouldn’t be a surprise.

As we begin to move toward Summer, many of us will begin thinking about ice cream sandwiches, however I urge you to wait, you’ll savor them a lot more if you wait until the weather turns hot.

If you really need something slightly different from a normal chocolate chip cookie, try adding some cocoa powder to your cookie dough, you’ll get a double chocolate cookie which is great.

 This is a good time to begin deciding what comic books you plan on reading this spring and summer, you have many options as always,, many large developments in the main comic universes are happening this year, or so I’ve read.

 However if you plan on reading older comic books, you will want to plan ahead so you can find what you want. Don’t forget to consider comic books outside of your comfort zone, don’t ignore bugs bunny if you normally only read superman for instance,  everything has something in  its favor, even if it’s not something you think you’ll enjoy.

Thanks for reading. Enjoy those cookies and comic books this week.

How to ruin any food: Fettucini Alfredo

Tonight we will be ruining fettucini alfredo. Why you ask? Mostly because I have a habit of using alfredo sauce to ruin many other foods and decided turn about is fair play.

I have to ask, are you ready?

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

History:

To begin with, there is some debate on the proper name of the dish, some say fettuccine AlFredo while others prefer Fettucini Alfredo. One may be more correct than the other, but perhaps it doesn’t really matter, we all know what we’re talking about, right?

The dish was created in 1914 by Alfredo di Lelio for his pregnant wife.

 

What it is:

Fettuccine Alfredo is a dish of fettucini noodles mixed with a butter, cream and Parmesan cheese. However in Italy it does not have the cream added to it.

 

How to ruin:

Tonight we’ll be breaking this part down a bit further than normal, but it’ll be worth it.

This isn’t that hard of a dish to ruin, however you do need to have a good bit of imagination.

Pasta:

We most definitely do not want to use fettuccine noodles, it won’t ruin the dish in a large way, but it can certainly help.

Angel hair pasta is a good option, it’s thin and about as far from fettuccine as you can get.

Rigatoni is also a good option, it’s round and at a glance doesn’t resemble fettuccine at all.

Lasagna noodles are a great choice as well, they are large and extremely awkward to eat covered in Alfredo sauce.

Sauce:

This is the key to ruining any batch of fettuccine AlFredo, no matter what kind of pasta you use, it can still be edible and possibly even tasty, once the sauce is ruined however…

Butter:

Butter is very hard to ruin, however you could use margarine or shortening instead.

Cheese:

A key part of the sauce, Parmesan cheese is what everyone thinks of when they think of fettuccine AlFredo. To properly ruin the dish, use any of the following cheeses:

  • Limburger
  • Mozzarella
  • Cheddar
  • Munster

Many other kinds of cheese taste completely different from Parmesan that you can also use, just have a bit of fun and try to out ruin the fettuccine AlFredo your friends make.

Cream:

One of the easiest parts of the dish to ruin, the cream can be replaced with a few things that won’t change the overall look very much is at all, but will change the taste.

Consider ice cream, it is partly cream, but it has enough other flavors in it that no one tasting your fettuccine AlFredo will accept their taste buds at first.

If you want to really ruin it, use mint chocolate chip ice cream, it’ll ruin your dish even faster.

Another good option would be sour cream or cottage cheese, they both have strong enough tastes that it would ruin your fettuccine AlFredo, however a few people might think you’ve created a new delicacy.

 

I hope this post has given you some ideas on how to ruin your next batch of fettuccine AlFredo.

Have a favorite way to ruin it? Post it in the comments!

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this post and I hope you’ll join me again next week as we ruin another food!

 

Wacky random thoughts for March 26th

Tonight I’m going to share with you some of the wackiest random thoughts I’ve had today.

Warning! These thoughts are so odd they have been banned in parts of three parallel universes. Continue at your own risk.

With all the crazy laws that politicians come up with, just imagine if they created one that forbade using just one season to discribe something.

Take springs for example, they are in many everyday things, including watches. How is this for a possible conversation with a watchmaker after someone dropped his watch:

“I dropped my watch, I think the main spring is busted.”

“So you need a new summer?”

“No, I need a spring!”

“Right, so I’ll put one winter in.”

“But it’s March! You mean I won’t have my new spring until winter?”

“I could put a fall in instead.”

“Let me get this straight, you want to replace my spring with a fall next winter and I’ll have a summer?”

“Right, it’ll be ready in four hours.”

That might almost be worthy of Abbot and Costello!

Look what it would do to Shakespeare:

This is the fall of our discontent, unless it’s the spring or summer of our discontent regardless of the time of year, it may be the winter of our discontent if we don’t say it too much.


Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this. If enough people like it I might do another post like this.

Jokes for March 25th

Tonight I’m doing something new, I have the following six jokes, but are they really six jokes, or just one joke told six ways? Does it even matter?

I hope you enjoy these.

When the police couldn’t t make the food thief talk, the chief knew who to turn to, he called in a short order chef who knew a few things about grilling.
Who is the best person to make a food thief confess?
A chef who knows about grilling.
After the broccoli was caught stealing dough, it was grilled by the chef.
One day a loaf of bread discovered that some of its dough had been stolen, it decided to set a trap for the culprit, it turned out to be a gang of broccoli, they were all rounded up, but no one would say who the ringleader was… Until the chef grilled each one.
How can you get the truth out of vegetables?
By grilling them.
When the bakery was robbed, the investigating detective was able to narrow the suspects down to two, a shish kebab and a steak. Unable to determine which one stole the dough, the detective consulted with his boss, who happened to be a vampire. The vampire police chief listened to the facts, he blanched when he heard there was a steak involved, at length he said “Grill them.”

There they are, now it’s up to you to determine if they are just one joke or six jokes, I’m looking forward to hearing your opinions.

Thanks for reading.

Marching forward

As we march forward toward the end of March, we begin to see that the weather has changed, rain is more likely than snow, though we cannot rule out at least one or more snow storms,.

Many plants have been fooled, however, they begin to bud out. And put themselves at risk of being destroyed by a late, heavy, snow. Such risk is dangerous, but admirable.

 It is just this kind of risk that we should all take upon ourselves when choosing a comic book to read this week. We should expand our horizens, accept that we might not enjoy every comic book we read, we might hate some of them, we might even find ourselves feeling that we wasted our money, but we will always be able to say that yes, we tried that comic book.

With the changing weather, we find ourselves forced to get ready to hang up the hot chocolate mug for the season, however before you do, you need to make sure that you completely clean it, you don’t want to leave so much as a drop of chocolate on the outside, it might not hurt the cup, but come fall you’ll be thankful that you took a few extra moments to make sure it was clean.

As it is Spring, you might be tempted to change to oatmeal cookies for a few weeks, or even some other kind of cookie you occasionally enjoy. If you do, just make sure that you keep a few chocolate chip cookies on hand for a treat, you’ll be glad to did.

Thanks for reading and enjoy your week.

How to ruin any food: Lemon Meringue pie

Tonight we’re going to ruin lemon meringue pie. While not as famous as the coconut cream pie, it’s still a widely known pie, just not for throwing into people’s faces.

Are you ready for some fun?

 

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

History:

Lemon meringue pie is a desert that has a hazy history at best. I’ll attempt to note the main parts as well as I can:

The invention of lemon custard is normally credited to the Quakers in the late 18th century, from this beginning grew the lemon meringue pie.

The history of meringue is very complicated as well, however the first recipes for it appear to have been printed in french cookbooks dating to 1690s. Where it was first created is up for debate.

If you are interested in further information about the origin of lemon meringue pie, I suggest these two links:

http://cobornsblog.com/2011/08/15/lemon-meringue-pie-die/

http://www.foodtimeline.org/foodpies.html#lemonmeringuepie

 

What it is:

Lemon meringue pie is composed of three parts: The crust, the lemon custard or curd and the meringue.

The crust is a standard run of the mill pie crust.

The lemon custard or curd is at its most basic egg yolks, lemon, sugar and starch.

The meringue is basically egg whites and sugar beaten to soft peaks.

 

How to ruin it:

Now we come to the fun part, ruining the lemon meringue pie itself! As always, the first thing we must do is to break it down into part, the pie crust, the lemon custard/curd and the meringue.

Pie crust:

To ruin a pie crust is a simple thing, simply take your favorite pie crust recipe and ignore it, add as much or as little of the ingredients as you feel like, if you get something that looks like a pie crust you have done something wrong.

I suggest using hot sauce instead of butter or shortening.

If you feel like making a very quick pie crust that takes almost no work, simply cook spaghetti noodles. When they are ready layer them in a pie pan and bake for ten minutes. If you’d like, before baking give the noodles a coat of melted butter mixed with garlic and onion.

Lemon curd/custard:

A typical lemon custard needs lemon juice, egg yolks, cornstarch, sugar and water.

I suggest you use whole eggs, chocolate cream eggs that is, I’m not sure how one would go about separating a chocolate egg anyway.

Almost anything can be added to your custard, such as salsa, mayonnaise, soy sauce, Worcestershire sauce and many more.

An option if you want to use a lemon curd instead of a custard  would be to take cheese curds and soak them in lemon juice over night.

One last option would be to use a mustard filling instead, you’ll need a thick mustard and it should be a lemon flavored mustard.

Meringue:

While a meringue is whipped egg whites and sugar, while you are ruining a lemon meringue pie there is no reason to stick with them, it just has to look close.

Consider taking fluffy mashed potatoes and spreading on top of your pie, sprinkle a bit of sugar on top and you’ll even be able to get the nice browning a normal meringue has.

As we are ruining a lemon meringue pie, we don’t really care if the meringue sets normally or not, as such we can add many other things to our meringue, such as tomatoes. A few more options:

  • Guacamole (as a bonus it changes the color, your guests might turn this shade at the sight and smell of this pie.)
  • Curry powder
  • Hot sauce
  • Chocolate syrup
  • Root beer (What would a ruining food post be without root beer?)
  • Cheddar cheese (grated, it will add a certain aroma and color to your meringue.)

There are undoubtedly many more options to ruin any part of this pie, however I think I’ve given you plenty of ideas to get started.

 

Do you have an interesting way to ruin a lemon meringue pie? Let me know in the comments.

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this post and I hope you’ll join me again next week as we ruin another food!

Happy Spring!

Happy Spring!

Now that winter is past, we can get the big snow storms, right?

With the change of seasons, we have much to look forward to:

  • Baseball
  • Lemon aid 
  • Plenty of sun for cats to sleep in
  • Much more

With the changing of seasons we also get a step closer to Summer, which means Fall is within sight, which just shows how you can always look too far into the future and miss the moment.

With spring comes baseball, within a matter of days the season will begin. Some teams will play well, some won’t. Some teams will live up to expectations, while others will fall far short of their potential.

 

I do have a few Springy words of wit and wisdom for you tonight:


    The guy who invented watch springs must have been wound up.

    Spring is a time to stop and smell the roses… .and the lilacs…. and numerous other plants that flower in the spring.

     This is a good time to plant seeds, they just spring right up.

       Spring training is the time for baseball players to get in the swing of things.

Thanks for reading. I hope you’re enjoying spring so far.

Jokes for March 18th

It’s nearly Spring once again and I’ve got a few jokes for you tonight that I hope will have you springing out of your chair with laughter. I’ve got a few new joke as well as a few jokes from last year that sprang up.

Jokes:

The seasons met at a resturant meeting. They agreed in advance to buy their own lunch. When one of the seasons decided to order something sweet to top off its meal, a wise guy from a neighboring table called out “Look who’s Springing for dessert!” 


A famous chef it cooking furiously to finish a meal for a very important person when he runs out of spices, thinking quickly, he sends his apprentice out to get some seasonings. A few minutes later the apprentice returns with a sack from a hardware store. “I got my favorite season!” The apprentice declared as he poured the contents on to the counter. Seeing the pile springs on the counter was too much for the famous chef and he fired his apprentice after putting him in his place. The apprentice was last seen with a spring in his step.


When the CEO of a clock company left on vacation, he entrusted the wellbeing of the company parrot to the rest of the office personnel. When he returned a week later, the parrot was gone. He launched an investigation which found that the cage door lock had been sprung. An employee stepped forward and admitted responsibility. The CEO looked at him and said “So you’re saying you allowed the lock to spring on Sprung’s cage door, or are you just a fall guy?”


While plotting a jail break, the gang unanimously agreed not to use the egg, he always cracked under pressure.


When the bread was looking for a volunteer to free the butter, he was surprised when the egg spoke up and said: “I’ll spring the butter, I may crack under pressure however.”


The clock made the baseball team because he had spring in his step.

Whys:


Why do superheroes like the early part of the year best? 

They’re always springing into action! 


Why did the clock make the baseball team?
Because he had spring in his gait.

Whats:

What season is a mechanic’s favorite season? 

Spring. 


 What does March have in common with an old mattress? 

They both have Springs.


I hope you’ve enjoyed these jokes tonight. I’ll have a new batch of jokes next Wednesday.

Thanks for reading.

Marching with a Spring in your step

Now that the ides of March have past, we have Spring dead ahead, soon Winter will be only a figment of our memories… at least until the next storm hits, a storm that may be one last blast of winter, even if it’s a week or more away.

Spring is a good time for many things, a last cup of hot chocolate, cleaning, organizing comic books, trying to create a chocolate lemonaid blend. However it is a great time to start a comic series. It can be simply reading an old series that you never got around to, something new or any mix of the two.

Any kind of comic books are great, whether they are  superhero, cartoon, horror, ghosts or something else entirely, the main thing is to read and enjoy your comic books.

 While the weather season is changing, I feel that we can all agree that one thing that transcends all seasons is chocolate chip cookies. While there are those who sing the praises of oatmeal cookies, I feel confident that is a contest between the two kinds of cookies chocolate chip would win hands down.

This is also the time of year that cats begin going crazy, however you might not notice much difference, save for your cats begining to shed their winter coat. It’s still necessary to keep playing with them, however, playing with your cat will keep them worn out so they can’t plot world domination… orat least plan to keep you around if they do. 

In conclusion, I hope everyone can enjoy the begining of spring, also don’t forget to eat corn with your beef tomorrow.

Thanks for reading!