How to ruin any food: Gravy

Tonight we’ll be ruining gravy, that wonderful substance that can transform a meal from humble to wonderful. Everyone loves gravy, even cats love gravy!  Now we’re going to ruin it.

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

History:

There is little known about the origin of gravy, mostly since it is such a basic item that it has been around since meat was first cooked.

One source I found talks about how hieroglyphs in Egypt depict gravy being served. Unfortunately I cannot find any proof of such hieroglyphs existing.

However I assume that gravy has existed for ages since it is such a simple sauce, plus it would have been created by a side effect when meat pies were first created, as the meat juices blending with the pie crust and formed something close to what we call gravy today.

You might find this site interesting if you want to learn a few more facts about gravy:

http://www.amazingsauces.com/articles/gravy-articles/a-delicious-guide-to-the-history-of-gravy-recipes/

 

What it is:

Gravy is a sauce normally made from meat juices blended with flour or another thickener to create a sauce of a pleasing thickness.

It can be seasoned with spices such as garlic, onion, etc.

 

How to make it:

Before you can begin ruining gravy, you should know how to make good gravy.

To begin with, you’ll want a pan with either drippings or some kind of fat/butter/oil in it. Add flour to the oil/fat/drippings and stir until combined.

Add stock or broth, at least two or three cups worth. Add any spice you may want, such as garlic, onion powder, etc. Cook until it is the desired thickness.

 

How to ruin it:

Gravy is oddly simple to ruin. There are almost too many ways to suggest, however I’ll do me best:

Thickness:

The easiest, quickest and simplest way to ruin gravy is to change the thickness. Make it very thin and it’ll run off of whatever you put it on. If it’s think enough you’ll never be able to keep any on your mashed potatoes.

You can also make it extra thick, thick enough that a spoon takes a moment to fall over if stuck upright in it. Too thick gravy is nearly as bad as too thin gravy.

Lumps:

Take your lumps and put them in your gravy! A lumpy gravy is a ruined gravy, the more lumps the better ruined it is!

You can always create lumps by taking some flour and adding a bit of water until it forms pieces, quite like if you were making pie crust. Dry it or fry them, it doesn’t much matter which. Add you lumps into your gravy and you have a ruined batch of gravy.

Flavors:

You can also add several things to your gravy to change its flavor, there by ruining it.

Try any of these spices:

  • Curry powder
  • Cinnamon
  • Licorice powder
  • Anise seed (ground)
  • Ginger

Another way to ruin your gravy’s flavor is to change the liquid. While you normally use a broth, such as chicken or beef, try one of these:

  • Root beer
  • Ginger ale
  • Lemonade
  • Orange juice
  • Soy sauce (the saltiness of the soy sauce will ruin it alone!)
  • Onion broth

One last way to ruin your gravy is to burn it, this would normally be accomplished by burning the oil or fat you use at the beginning, or right after you add the flour you can cook it until it burns before adding your liquid.

 

I think that covers the basics of ruining gravy. I’m sure these ideas will be enough to keep you busy ruining gravy for a while at least.

Do you have an interesting way to ruin gravy? Let me know in the comments.

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this post and I hope you’ll join me again next week as we ruin another food!

Random thoughts for April 24th

Its Friday night, that means the weekend is almost here!

I have a few random thoughts for you, but first I want to tell you about my new blog. As you might have seen over the weekend when I accidentally put a post on this site that I meant for my new blog, I’ve started a blog to review the books I read. I posted my second review tonight, which was what I wanted to do before I revealed it to you. I invite you to take a look at it:

https://colinscritiques.wordpress.com

Please remember that it is a new blog, I’m still trying to get it how I want it. Any comments are welcome.

Now on to the random thoughts!

You know spring is in full swing when the weather can go from a warm winter day to a mild summer day in just over a day, when it does it within a few hours, you know you are in Colorado.

April is a wonderful month, it’s a month when the weather starts to change, it’s a month when every baseball team is going to win it all.
If the energy that a cat uses to run full out could be utilized, we would see trucks rated in cat power.

Licorice and grape jelly beans are almost the same color, if I had my way the would look diferant, there is nothing worse than popping a grape jellybean in your mouth and discovering it’s licorice.

Apps are odd, when they get updates they always take away the feature you always use, they call it an upgrade, luckily the feature will be back in the next version.

Thanks for reading. I hope you’ve gotten a chuckle or two.

Jokes for April 22nd take 2

I’ve been having some trouble with this post tonight, I apologize for any inconvenience.

Ihave a few new jokes for you tonight, not as many as normal, I’ve been too busy lately to come up with many jokes.
Why:

Why are butter knives always in jail?
They are always in a jam.

Whens:
Whenever any cutlery was trouble, they always turned to the butter knife for help as it was always in and out of jams.

.

.
Whenever a kitchen spy was needed, the butter knife was the logical choice, seeing as how it was a slippery character.

.
When the squash landed in a tub of butter after trying to walk a high wire it was warned not to, everyone said it was a butter nut squash.

.
When the baker turned a head of lettuce into rolls, he said his dough was rich.

.

I know there are fewer jokes this week, but I’m hopeful that I’ll make up for the lack next week.

thanks for reading!

Jokes for April 22nd -updated

i have a few new jokes for you tonight, not as many as normal, I’ve been too busy lately to come up with many jokes.
Why:

Why are butter knives always in jail?
They are always in a jam.

Whens:
Whenever any cutlery was trouble, they always turned to the butter knife for help as it was always in and out of jams.
Whenever a kitchen spy was needed, the butter knife was the logical choice, seeing as how it was a slippery character.
When the squash landed in a tub of butter after trying to walk a high wire it was warned not to, everyone said it was a butter nut squash.
When the baker turned a head of lettuce into rolls, he said his dough was rich.

A sunny late April day

Unlike many months, April don’t lend itself to catchy titles of blog posts.

This time of April is always fraught with oddities in the weather, it’ll break a record for high temperature one day and snow two inches the next (the weather casters will wrongly predict a medium warm day and than a cold snap with two feet of snow however), thus goes April.

Even with the weather so unsettled, which may or may not be a bad thing depending on how you look at it, the weather is certainly much easier to predict than what will happen next to your favorite super hero in your favorite comic book, unless it’s an easy to understand plot lines he that has been done six times before in the same universe with the same super hero, which happens more often than you might believe.

Baking is a lot like comic books and weather, what works one day should work the next, but a small oddity can change everything, either for good or for bad. Thus the perfect chocolate chip cookie may never be replicated by anyone, nor will you be able to make a perfect brownie twice. But these changes are not something we should avoid, rather we should embrace the challange and work to make the perfect cookie,mbrownie or cake time after time, all the while wondering what we are doing wrong.

I mentioned in a rare post yesterday that I’m starting a new blog, it’s still not quite ready to be seen yet, but I should have some news for you in the next few days. My new blog won’t interfere with this one, I’m dedicated to keeping you laughing as much as possible.

 

Thanks for reading, I hope you’ve enjoyed this post.

My apologies

I apologize about the post you might have just seen. It was published by mistake.

It was supposed to be published on my new blog, unfortunately I made an error and published it on this blog, the post has been removed now.

I’ll have more about my new blog in the next few days.

How to ruin any food: Pie crust

Tonight I’m going to go into more detail on how to ruin a pie crust.

While a simple thing, a pie crust often is the difference between a good pie and a ruined pie. In the past I’ve ruined pies (Lemon meringue http://wp.me/p3pFIg-oi , Pumpkin http://wp.me/p3pFIg-oi ), but I thought I should dedicate a full post in this series to ruining pie crusts.

Are you ready? Things are likely going to get a bit crusty.

 

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

History:

Pie crusts are an interesting thing, they date back further than is recorded, though those original pie crusts were likely nothing like what we have today, they would have been thicker at first until pie pans were invented, in fact the earliest crusts were there more for a pan than to be eaten, however this is just what I’ve found, it’s entirely possible that what we think we know today is not what was true in the far past.

What we do know:

Pies date back to the ancient Egyptians in 9500 BC, give or take a few years.

In medieval times they began calling the crust a coffyn.

 

A few interesting sites with facts about pie crusts:

http://www.piecouncil.org/Events/NationalPieDay/HistoryOfPies

http://www.foodtimeline.org/foodpies.html

http://whatscookingamerica.net/History/PieHistory.htm

 

What it is:

A pie crust is what holds the filling of a pie. An ideal pie is light and flaky, yet strong enough to contain the pie itself without breaking.

 

How to ruin:

Ruining a pie crust is quite easy, it can be fun as well.

Pasta crusts:

As I mentioned in my post of ruining Lemon Meringue pies (http://wp.me/p3pFIg-oi), you can easily make a pie crust with spaghetti noodles formed in a pie pan:

Simply cook spaghetti noodles. When they are ready layer them in a pie pan and bake for ten minutes. To aid in ruining it, before baking give the noodles a coat of melted butter mixed with garlic and onion.

You could use any kind of noodle or pasta as you want, however I’d assume shell pasta would be even better at ruining a pie crust as it likely wouldn’t how together very well.

Crumb crusts:

Many people use crumb crusts as well, graham cracker crumb crusts are very popular. You could make any kind of cracker into a pie crust as well.

Saltine crackers everyone has, just crush them, add a bit of butter to moisten them and pat them into the pie pan, you should end up with a crumbly crust that is fairly salty.

Bread crusts:

Some people dislike eating bread crusts, here’s the perfect way to use them, simple place the bread crusts in a pie pan, press them together and fill with you pie filling, you’ll end up with a ruined pie crust.

 

Another way to make a bread crust is to take a small ball of bread dough, roll it out and put it in a pie pan, don’t bake it before filling, this way you’ll end up with a doughy crust that will likely taste uncooked.

 

If you’d prefer to bake your bread crust, take a look at my How to ruin bread post ( http://wp.me/p3pFIg-jA ), where you’ll find many ideas that will ruin a pie crust even more. I like the idea of a green or blue bread crust, it’ll make your guests wonder just how old the crust was before you used it.

 

Other ways to ruin:

Another way to ruin a pie crust is quite similar to the crumb crust, only this time we’re just going to use salt! Pour a layer of salt in the bottom of your pie pan, add just enough water to cover it, the water will start to dissolve the salt. Don’t let anyone eat this crust! Only use it to startle people!

You’ll need a small bowl with salt and just enough water to get the salt to start sticking together, take this salt and form around the edge of the pie pan. Bake it until all the water is evaporated and you’re left with a solid sheet of salt on the bottom of the pie pan. Add your filling and serve promptly.

 

If you only want to slightly ruin your pie crust, add black pepper to your normal pie crust dough, to give it an extra kick, add cayenne powder instead.

 

While I’m sure there are still several other ways to ruin a pie crust, I think these ideas will be enough to keep anyone busy for a while at least.

Do you have an interesting way to ruin a pie crust? Let me know in the comments.

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this post and I hope you’ll join me again next week as we ruin another food!

Random thoughts for April 17th

Yet more random thoughts, will my mind never quite thinking these strange, random thoughts?

You know that the weather forecasters need a break when they say it’s going to rain four inches of snow.

There are many things you learn never to get between, politics for instance, also you never want to get between a cat and a mouse. The only thing worse than either of those would be if the cat and mouse were discussing politics and wanted you to be a moderator.

The greatest thing about hacked files being leaked is the frenzy people get into when something unlikely is ‘revealed’ to be a certain thing. Nothing is certain in these days, much less after it becomes common knowledge.

The latest news not to be announced is that a tech giant is working on building a dancing robot out of empty cans, it would obviously do the cancan.

Quite often I watch old TV shows or movies and wish that modern producers could have the same amount of ingenuity in costumes, they might have been bad disguises, but they were still great, or maybe the stories were just that much better.

If there is one thing this world needs is a battery that lasts two days on a single charge, that will happen shortly after batteries are rendered obsolete.

That’s all the random thoughts I have for tonight, I hope you enjoyed them.

Thanks for reading!

Jokes for April 15th

Its Wednesday night again, time for some jokes! I hope you enjoy them!

Whys:

Why did the baseball pitcher love dunking vegetables into the deep fryer?
He lived putting the batters down.
Why did the baseball manager sing  while making pancakes?
He wanted the batter to swing.

Why did the chef love deep frying fruits all day?
He enjoyed frittering the day away.

Why did the chef deep fry his pocket watch inside a pumpkin?
He wanted to fritter the day away.

Why did the pirate turned gardener always eat liver while planting certain flowers?
Because he was a lily-livered land lubber!


Whens:


When a baseball loving chef was deep frying and ran out of something, he called to his assistant “Batter up!”
When the baseball pitcher retired, he became a chef of some renown when it was discovered that he had a very particular way of making flavored pancakes, he did them in a ridged order,  he explained that he liked putting the batters down in order.
When the new restaurant  opened, its owner decided to use cocoa beans for the bar, he called it a chocolate bar.

Mid- April 

it’s mid april, the time of year when the forces of Winter and Summer do battle, a battle which is called Spring. It is a time where weather forecasters dread as they have an even smaller chance to correctly guess what the next day will bring.

It is also a time where intelligent comic books give up and either set the story on a tropical isle or the far north, just so they don’t have to deal with the changing weather.

This is a good week to take a break from reading comic books, I don’t suggest a break often, but every now and then you need a week without reading comic books, a week to relax and allow your mind to rest and mull over the events happening in your favorite comic series.

This is a

So a good week to take a break from lemonade and enjoy any other drink you enjoy, be it tea or root beer.

The only thing that you shouldn’t take a break from is chocolate chip cookies, they are really one thing that you can’t live without, at least happily.

If you must skip the chocolate chip cookies, I suggest you make sure you have plenty of cupcakes or cinnamon rolls, both of which are wonderful.

Thanks for reading!