How to destroy a classic movie: Creature from the Black Lagoon

It’s Friday night again and we’re going to have some fun redoing a classic movie again.
Tonight I’ve chosen Creature from the Black Lagoon to rewrite. While it’s a great movie, I think we can make it a blockbuster flop tonight.

The plot

As you most likely already now, the plot of the original movie is a half-man, half-fish creature that is found somewhere up the Amazon… and not the website either.
An archeologist/professor finds a fossilized hand of the creature, sends details back and gets an expedition sent to search for the rest of the skeleton, however a living creature has found the group the arcologist/professor left behind to keep an eye on the fossil and killed them.
The expedition is trapped when the creature builds a dam behind their boat and starts to attack the scientists while he waits to kidnap the single woman aboard.

Our movie

Our first task is to change the name, while the original tile is a fine title, we’re going to add a bit of humor to our movie.
Our new title: Creature from the Black Legume.

A tomb is discovered in an uncharted part of the Amazon, a team of specialists are airlifted in to explore the tomb. After unsealing the tomb, the specialists are stunned to find that the only thing the tomb contains is a single black bean.
One year later, in a green house in North Dakota (or wherever you want to set it), a scientist has received the black legume and has planted it.
That night there is a lighting storm that hits the greenhouse, awakening the bean, or rather the creature inside it.
When the scientist arrives the next morning, the greenhouse is in ruins, only the single legume is unharmed, but it’s grown quite large, the scientist soon realizes that the legume is feeding of the other plant, unfortunately he doesn’t realize that it’s also feeding on anything that it can until his assistant is killed by the plant.
A special team of mercenaries is sent in to destroy the legume, but before they can, an alien invasion begins.
The aliens are too tough for humans to defeat and our only hope is to convince the aliens to attack the legume and hope they destroy each other.
Little do the scientists and generals know that the legume is actually an alien being who was trapped on Earth millennia ago and the aliens are there to rescue it.
Th black legume enters the alien ship and departs, leaving behind no sign of it’s existence… except for a single strand of DNA a scientist finds an begins to grow a new legume.
The End

I hope you’ve enjoyed this remake, I know I’ve had fun writing it.
Feel free to comment on this or suggest a movie for next week.
Thanks for reading.

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How to destroy a classic movie: Yankee Doodle Dandy

It’s Friday night again and we’re going to have some fun redoing a classic movie again.

I’ve got a surprise for you tonight, as it’s July 4th (Independence day here in the U.S.A), I thought I’d rewrite a classic movie that has a patriotic theme to it.
Tonight we’re going to see how a musical from 1942 can be reimagined into a sci-fi blockbuster while still remaining a musical. The movie? Yankee Doodle Dandy.

Before I go any further, I want to note that this is a movie I really enjoy and I would hate to see it remade in any form.

It’s a bit of a task, so let’s get started!

The plot

Based (however loosely) on the life of George M. Cohan – who was a composer, singer, dancer and producer – the movie follows him from a child actor in his family troop all the way to the beginning of WWII, highlighting some of the many famous songs that he wrote during his life.

 

Our movie

We’re going to change quite a few things in our movie:

 

First off it’s now set in a distant dystopian future where the US government is corrupt and in fear of a revolt.

To prevent  such a revolt, a daring plan is hatched: Clone the most well-known people who inspired previous generations. among the chosen subjects are: George M. Cohen, Abe Lincoln and George Washington to name a few.

However things don’t go according to plan. After the clones are sent out to stir up patriotism, they clones find out just how corrupt the government has become.

Deciding that they must find a way to restore the trustworthiness of government, the clones set out to convince everyone that a government of the people, by the people and for the people can work. This is a great place for a number of old songs to be inserted.

However the corrupt government doesn’t like what it’s hearing and tries to silence the clones, first by brainwashing and then by murder. To add a slight bit of comedy another song and dance routine can be added during the brainwashing and murder scenes.

That’s when the clones end up organizing and leading the revolt, inspiring people by songs and speeches.

Now that war has broken out, there can be several battle scenes with little break, only throw in a scene where the soldiers are singing in battle for a bit of humor.

Now, after a long series of battles, we’re ready for the final battle, a battle that should have all the clones that have survived this long, which must include the George M. Cohen clone going against the corrupt government troops in a vital fight.

The final battle can end several ways, a decisive win by one side or the other (it depends on the message you want to send), a stalemate, or a nuclear incident that destroys the whole world. I don’t really see a happy ending as a possibility however.

 

I hope you’ve enjoyed this movie remake, sorry I didn’t offer a happy ending this week.
Thanks for reading, feel free to comment.

How to destroy a classic movie: The Alamo

It’s Friday night again and we’re going to have some fun redoing a classic movie again.
Tonight I’m going to have some fun, instead of the normal sci-fi adaptation of a classic, I’m going to redo The Alamo as a comedy.
You might wonder why I’m doing this movie as a comedy, there are reasons, which you will understand in a bit.
I know The Alamo has been remade, but not like this.

The plot

The plot of The Alamo is well known, a band of Texans are besieged in the Alamo, they hold out as long as they can, but they all die in the end.
This was also one of the few movies that John Wayne, the Duke, died in.

Our movie

We’re going to change quite a few things in our movie.
First of all, we want to keep anyone from complaining about changing history, so we’ll set our movie in a dystopian future.
Next well change the name to Remember the a la mode.
Now let’s get to work.

In a not so distant future, Texas is it’s own republic once more and once again forces from Mexico are trying to reclaim it.
A group of brave fighters take the Alamo, but as the Mexican troops appear on the horizon, they realize that the last of their ammunition has run out. Luck is with them as the Mexican soldiers are in the same dilemma.
As the battle must go on, the brave defenders turn innovators, making do with what they have on hand. Unfortunately the Alamo had been turned into an ice cream plant, leaving the defenders to fight with ice cream and ice cream treats.
During one battle, the defenders fling ice cream sandwiches at the attacker, the next battle sees them using ice cream cones as arrows.
The Mexican forces have turned ice into weapons, enter the ice blaster, a machine that rapidly fires ice cubes.
As the Alamo is in a desert, neither side gains much in each battle, their weapons melt too quickly.
After several battles, both sides begin to run out of their makeshift weapons and are forced to duke it out.
Dinally, seeing an opportunity to end their strife and make money, the two sides negotiate peace and start selling lemonade and ice cream.
The end.

This should be a funny, slapstick movie in the best tradition of old movies… Which is why it’ll never be made.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this movie remake and I hope you’ve enjoyed these ice cream posts this week.
Thanks for reading, feel free to comment.

Hot to destroy a classic movie: Captain Blood

It’s Friday night and were going to remake another classic movie! I hope you’re ready for a swashbuckling good time!
Tonight we’re going to remake Captain Blood, it’s going to be fun!

The plot:

A wrongly convicted and enslaved doctor turns pirate turns loyal privateer turns governor and wins the love of a lady.

Our story.

We’re going to change a few minor things about the movie, but mostly it’ll remain true to the original.
We’re going to change the doctor into a time traveling doctor trapped in that time period and forced to right wrongs.

While visiting his mad scientist brother, Peter Blood, m.d. discovers that his brother has embarked on an attempt to change history, his ultimate goal is to become emperor of the entire world. Realizing the he is the only one who can possibly prevent his brother from successfully taking over the world, Peter Blood enters the time machine.

Now we should have some kind of time travel effects, a swirling vortex with images from different points in time, for instance, or if you want something strange, a blinding swirl of different color lights changing from one to another with eery music. A third option is to have total darkness and silence for a minute or two, then just when the audience thinks something is wrong, bang! Music blares, the screen goes bright and our hero reappears no worse for wear.

Now, as a wrongly convicted doctor, Peter Blood is sent with other rebels to Port Royal to be sold into slavery. While it seems a miscarriage of justice, he was only trying to save a life, it’s really part of Peter’s plan, his brother is poising as a plantation owner on Port Royal.
He ends up working on his brother’s plantation until the governor tires of his worthless doctors and learns that Blood was a doctor, after that Blood becomes the governor’s personal doctor.
The despised doctors, finding themselves without prospects, they agree to supply doctor Blood and the other rebels with a ship to escape with.
On the night they are due to escape, a Spanish ship attacks, the ship the doctors supplied them with is sunk and they decide to take a better ship, the spaniards own ship.
Peter Blood vows to return to Port Royal, as his mission isn’t finished yet, his brother vows to kill Peter Blood when next they meet.
With no place to turn and a well armed ship at hand, the escaped men appoint Peter Blood as their captain and turn pirate.
Now our movie turns to fancy sword fights and pirate battles for a time, it should stay close to the original movie here… Captain Blood gains fame and fortune, joins forces with a French pirate and rescues the daughter of Port Royal’s governor.
This is the perfect chance to have Peter learn that his brother is the new governor of Port Royal.
He sails for Port Royal anyway, intent on returning the lady to safety. However as his ship nears Port Royal, it turns out there are two French ships attacking, he makes ready to send the lady ashore on the far side of the isle, but the man who was rescued from the French pirate reveals that he was sent to offer Captain Blood and his crew a radon if they help fight the French.
They sink one French ship, but as his ship begins to sink, Blood orders his crew to board the remaining French ship and they seize it.
Peter Blood’s brother returns, he had taken his ship out to seek Peter himself, he ends up begging Peter Blood for his life, Peter agrees, but with the agreement that he gives up his devious plans.
The end.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this remake of Captain Blood, I know I had fun writing it. Thanks for reading!
Feel free to offer your ideas. I apologize for any typos, they are mostly due to autocorrect.

How to destroy a classic movie: Stagecoach

It’s Friday night, time to rewrite another classic movie!
Tonight we’re going to redo Stagecoach, it’s been remade once before, but not the way we’re doing it!
Let’s have some fun!

The plot:

For the most part, Stagecoach is a typical western, it has an outlaw, a sheriff, Indians on the war path and gun fights and of course the namesake stagecoach.
In addition there is a whiskey seller and an embezzling banker and others.

Our movie:

For a change we won’t change either the name or setting (it’s still in the old west anyway) of the movie. We’ll set it shortly after the civil war.
An odd assortment of people board a stagecoach, heading to Dodge city for various reasons.
Fifty miles from nowhere, the stagecoach is held up by the James gang, with little or no gunfire. The James gang takes off, heading in the same direction that the stagecoach was heading.
A little while later, at high noon, the stage comes to a river and stops to water the horses. Suddenly the stage is attacked by Indians, but not just any Indians, zombie Indians!
But wait, after a bloody gunfight where the stagecoach’s driver and passengers barely manage to fight off the zombies, they suddenly realize that they aren’t who they should be, they are carrying lasers instead of colt revolvers and rifles.
They struggle to piece together their real lives, flashbacks can be used here to great advantage, each one of the passengers is actually for the dis taint future, a future where zombies have overrun everything, these few are the last humans, they managed to trace the zombie bacterium to a ranch near Dodge city a few years after the civil war, it had been harmless until it mutated somehow. They decided to go back through time to eradicate the original bacterium in Doge city.
However a few zombies somehow managed to follow them back through time and start spreading the plague that destroyed humanity in the past.
Next the James gang reappears, only this time they are zombies as well! Custer appears with his troops and saves the day. He learns what’s happening and promptly declares that he’ll wipe them out… After he’s done with Little Bighorn, that is.
What happens next is either a bloody battle against the zombies with riffles, or a long discussion about time paradoxes… Followed by an ingenious solution to the newest zombie attacks.
Either way, the zombies are destroyed, the plague is eradicated and humanity is safe once more… Unless they missed a sample of the bacterium, that is.
The heroes from the future ride towards the horizon and the movie is over.

So what do you think? With how zombie movies are in vogue right now, it should be a blockbuster.

Thanks for reading and please feel free to share your thoughts.

How to destroy classic movies: Ben Hur

It’s Friday night and that men’s it’s time to remake another classic movie in modern blockbuster fashion.
Tonight we’re going to remake the classic Ben Hur.
To make it easier, we’re going to reuse a few tricks we used last month on Gone With the Wind.
Let’s get started.

The plot:

Anyone who has seen either the silent or the 1959 version will undoubtedly remember the chariot race, most likely you don’t remember much in anything else about it. I watched the 1959 version a few years back and I don’t recall much else about it. While I could either rewatch the movie or look up the plot on Wikipedia or any other site, instead we’ll just stay with the chariot race as our focus.

Our movie:

While simple titles are nice, our remake needs a bit different title, I’ve come up with two.

1. Ben Hur: racing through time!
2. Ben Hur: from chariots to star ships.

While both titles sound good, I think the second one sounds more like a documentary, so we’ll go with option 1 , Ben Hur: Racing through time!
The plot in our movie is racing, chariot racing in particular.

We start our movie with a chariot race, Ben Hur is in the race, he fights to overcome a loose wheel, sabotaged reins and a lack of skill, surprisingly he still manages to come in third.
Next we get to see him currying his team (no, not that type of curry!), repairing his reins and so forth. Note that this is mostly filler scenes, there is no real plot development taking place and it could very well be cut before the movie is completed.
The next scene is another chariot race, this time Ben Hur wins the race and is treated to all the honors entitled to the winner.
Now we jump ahead a few hundred years, the next few scenes involve multiple kinds of races. From every kind of horse racing invented, to foot racing, bicycle racing and yacht racing. Each race is won by Ben Hur, always in period clothing of course.
Next we see the first car races, where we watch Ben Hur travel across country in his automobile, breaking down and repairing it himself (this is a very good place to get some product placement in if you can convince companies that were around back then to do it), as always Ben Hur wins the race.
We go from car racing to airplane racing, as the early days of aviation were filled with enterprising flyers willing to build and fly their planes in competitions there are plenty of options here.
Then we come to the early days of drag racing as well as the first car races that resemble what we have today. These scenes are quick, flashy and feature cars exploding in flames, just what people want to watch!
Next we zoom into the future with the first Earth to Mars race, twelve ships have entered the competition, one of which is flown by none other than Ben Hur, who is the underdog this time.
We watch as the ships blast off from Earth, enter orbit and fly straight towards the moon, turning away just in time to use the moon’s gravity to assist the. In gaining speed.
The flight to Mars isn’t boring either, from meteor shows that threaten to destroy all twelve ships (at least one or more should explode in enormous special effect ridden fireballs), space pirates or aliens (why not both?) also attack the racers. Ship wide computer glitches also affect our hero’s ship, but he manages to survive and repair his ship without loosing to much time.
Finally we see Mars drawing near, Ben Hur and two other ships are neck and neck, it looks like the race might be a three way tie, but one of the ships is armed and intent on winning Jo matter the cost, it destroys the ship without our hero in it. Ben Hur twists his ship away from the laser blasts, but the evil doer comes after him. With skilled maneuvers, Ben Hur manages to lure the enemy into the path of an asteroid, destroying it and ensuring that he wins the race.
Ben Hur lands on Mars victorious and we fade back to the chariot race we started with, zoom in on Ben Hur as he seems to watch the future, he smiles and the screen goes black.

I hope you’ve enjoyed remaking Ben Hur with me, I know I enjoyed it.
Feel free to comment, I’m always interested in your opinion.

How to destroy classic movies: Gone With the Wind, take two

It’s Friday night and that means we’re going to remake yet another classic movie.
Remember each remaining Friday in May I’ll show you another way that Gone With the Wind could be remade.
Last week we remade it using only three key parts of the plot and adding in a tornado, tonight we’ll be doing something entirely different.
Let’s get started.

The plot:

Tonight we’re going to focus on another aspect of the movie… The war, the only key part of the movie we didn’t use last week, the rest of the plot will remain the same to allow for the most artistic license.
The five points:

1: The main actress is named Scarlet and her romantic counter in Rhett Butler.
2: The one phrase Scarlet says that everyone remembers is in the scene where she is standing on a hill saying “As god is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again.”
3: Rhett’s most memorable phrase is “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
4: The burning of Atlanta.
5: Civil War.

Our movie:

We start with a burst of gun fire and several explosions, along with the date, which is sometime in the distant (or not so distant) future.
A bit of background gets established next:
1: This is a future USA.
2: This civil war began as a series of protests.
3: The protests began after the government ruled that tomatoes could no longer be used in preparing pizzas.
4: A number of states ruled that the Feds couldn’t regulate tomato usage.
5: A number of states declared themselves neutral and refused to send troops into the pro tomato states.
6: Further complicating things was that the ‘1 percent’ hired mercenaries for protection and became a third front in the war.
7: A forth front broke out as the pro tomato states became divided on the issue of goat cheese on pizzas.

These should be outlined as new stories, battle scenes, ect.
With those fact fully outlined, we realize that this is going to be a long movie, cue product placement with a gusto (which is not a pizza topping).
Next we see our heroine, Major Scarlet, talking at a peace conference with her mother’s ex butler, Rhett, whom Scarlet nearly married before learning that he supported goat cheese on pizzas (Scarlet is an anti-goat cheese, pro tomato rebel).

Talks break down, the war continues. Fronts move back and forth with no one gaining my ground, until the key battle, near (where else?) Atlanta.
All four sides invade and destroy all of Atlanta.

Another peace conference ensues after Atlanta is abandoned.
Rhett and Scarlet meet again, again they disagree about pizza.
Rhett says “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn… about pizza unless it has anchovies on it.”
Suddenly the peace conference is under attack. Scarlet takes cover, pulling out her cell phone to order air support, looks at it a curses, “As god is my witness, my next phone will be a (product placement opportunity)!” She shouts as the building is leveled.

Somehow Scarlet survives, as does Rhett, but the war is over, all sides lost as English troops invaded and reclaimed the colonies and everything else, becoming a super power with practically no losses and declare that they put down the revolution after all… Also that if you like your pizza, you can keep your pizza.

Scarlet and Rhett marry, argue over which British tv show is the best.
The end.

So what do you think? Do you think this plot is better than last weeks? Did I end it too quickly? Let me know what you think.

How to destroy a classic movie: To have and have not

It’s Friday night, welcome aboard the classic movie destroyer!
Tonight we’re setting our sights on To Have and Have Not, set in WWII and based on the Ernest Hemingway novel of the same name, starring Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall.

The plot:

In WWII Martinique a fishing boat captain and his drunken first mate try to make a living, when their last client is killed while still owing him money, he’s forced to help the French resistance by smuggling in an operative.
The captain ends up removing a bullet, romancing two women and trying to avoid Vichy spies. By the end of the movie he ends up lunching an attempt to free someone from devils island, we never find out if he survives or not.

As always, Wikipedia has a much fuller description here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/To_Have_and_Have_Not_(film)

Our story:

Set in the future, on a space station in deep space, the captain of a mining ship is stranded on the station when her employer shuts down at the start of the first galactic war.
To this point of our story, humanity has kept quiet, waiting until it’s pulled into the war and refusing to take sides before then.
An alien on the station hires the mining captain to pick up a passenger on a nearby substation. While doing so, the mining ship comes under attack by the enemy. Barely escaping with the passenger, the mining captain swears that she won’t run another such mission.
By the time the mining ship returns to the station, it’s been occupied by the enemy, who insists on searching every vessel that docks.
Somehow the passenger is smuggled off, but the captain is under suspicion anyway, all of her money and possessions are seized… Except for the mining ship, which is low on fuel anyway.
The captain realizes that she has been a pawn in a struggle to drag humanity into the war and decides to turn the tables. She begins by selling out every alien that has slighted her to the other side, then warning the aliens she informed against, claiming that their own side had sold them out. Chaos rules the station as everyone fight one another, but for some reason leaves the captain alone. The enemy learns just how hard it will be to keep order when everyone is fighting one another.
During the chaos, the captain manages to acquire enough fuel to return to Earth, as she leaves the station, it explodes.
The last thing we see is the cunning captain flying her ship through an astroid belt to avoid the two gigantic war fleets that are about to annihilate each other.

So what did you think? Did I manage to stay close enough to the original yet change it enough to make it entertaining?
Thanks for reading!

How to destroy a classic movie: In Search of the Castaways

It’s Friday night, time to apply Hollywood logic to a classic movie and see what happens.
Tonight we’re going to take the 1962 adaptation of Jules Verne’s classic In Search of the Castaways, we’re going to update it slightly, add some explosions, product placement and to save even more money, we can use scenes cut from other movies, which is something Hollywood has been doing for decades, let’s get started, shall we?

The Plot:

The original movie and the novel it came from features the young children of a sea captain who was lost at sea, a message in a bottle, adventures in foreign lands and a gunrunner.
That’s just a short description, you can read the full description on Wikipedia here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/In_Search_of_the_Castaways_(film)
A much better way to learn more about the movie would be to watch it of course, or to read Jules Verne’s classic itself.

Our story:

First off we’ve got to update it, or at least parts of it, it would be quite easy to turn this into a sci fi epic, have them visit other planets in search of where a distress signal originated, add in a smuggler, maybe even a zombie planet to escape from, but I’m not going to take that track tonight.
Instead we’re going to set it during WWII.

However we need to slightly change the name, we’ll call this In Search of the Prisoners.
Now that we’ve got that done, let’s dive into the new plot.

1937: A test pilot is flying an experimental cargo plane he built himself over the Pacific Ocean when he vanishes, leaving no trace behind.
November 22nd, 1941: A water bottle made by a famous company (product placement!), washes up in Hawaii, it contains a message from the test pilot, it’s been damaged by mold, but a single coordinate remains, as well as the startling revelation that he had been captured by Nazis and held on an isle.
His younger brother, now a Marine, is assigned to lead a small team to rescue him. It’s a matter of national security as the test pilot might know something about enemy movements.
The next scene shows Pearl Harbor being bombed, this is a great place to use footage from other movies, if it’s done in black and white, with footage from all movies dealing with the attack on Pearl Harbor, there could be nearly a half hour of explosions and action.
Now the younger bother is on his way, via a submarine, to the isle that they suspect the test pilot is being held on. This would be a great spot for a battle between subs, or for depth charges to be dropped on the sub with our hero inside. Great action scene, the sub nearly sinking, but just making it to its destination.
The destination turns out to be an overgrown isle with nothing but a single fisherman on it, they are forced to move on to another likely island a hundred miles away.
As they arrive at the next island, the sub sinks, most of the crew survives, finds an abandoned yacht, a burned out hut and a handful of bodies, but not the test pilot.
While sailing to the next isle, add a bit of humor, none of the sailors from the sub is very skilled with sailing a yacht, they could also pick up an enemy survivor from a plane.
The next island has an enemy encampment, but it doesn’t hold the captive test pilot, but they do manage to steal a better boat, a few of the spare crew can be killed off here in a gun battle, it can be heroic, they could volunteer to hold off the enemy while the rest gets away.
One more island remains to be searched, morale is low, the young Marine wonders if they’ll ever find his brother.
However this last island is the correct one! The test pilot is alive and being forced to work on enemy planes.
Making contact with a local tribe that is supposed to be friendly, the would be rescuers get captured by Nazis.
Making a bold escape (after being interrogated of course), the rescuers turned prisoners manage to reach the test pilot, who was being rescued already by the survivors from the sub who were told to remain in hiding, together all of them make their way to an experimental air plane, as the test pilot starts warming up the plane, a handful go out and rigs explosives on the other planes.
As the experimental plane starts taxiing down the runway, the soldiers start firing at it, doing little, if any, damage.
As the plane gains the air, the other planes on the ground all explode. Cheers erupt on board the escaping plane and it fades to black.

That’s the movie, enough action to be a blockbuster, enough explosions to be a blockbuster and a war movie, everything modern Hollywood wants.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this rewriting of a classic, I know I have.
Feel free to comment.

How to destroy a classic movie: Murder in the Rue Morgue

It’s Friday night again, you know what that means, it’s time to destroy another classic movie. I’ve decided to go for blood tonight, I’m deadly serious about this one, It’ll make a killing in the box office! I’m sure everyone will go ape for this idea of mine.
All kidding aside, this is an interesting movie we’re about to mutilate, so let’s cut to the chase and get to work!

First a brief look at the movie:
Its from an Edgar Allen Poe story, it takes place in Paris, France. It’s about a series of mysterious murders in the Rue Morgue, women have been winding up dead and no one knows how, until our hero, Pierre Dupin, plays sleuth with his microscope and discovers something odd in the blood of the victims, but it’s not until his fiancée is kidnapped by the pet ape of a mad scientist that he has all the clues and solves the mystery. What follows is an action scene where Pierre races to save his love from Bella Lugosi’s mad scientist and the ape, who carries the lady over rooftops to the happy conclusion.
You can read more details on the Wikipedia article http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murders_in_the_Rue_Morgue_(1932_film)

Our first order of business is to decide just how we wish to remake this movie.
We can do one of three ways:

One can be a completely loyal remake.
Two is to make it as a slasher/gore/horror movie.
Three we can remake it as a sci-fi epic set on another planet.

To remake it loyally would not be destroy it, to make it a slasher/gore/horror movie would work, but I’m more of a Sci-fi guy myself, so we’ll choose option three.

Next I want to talk about the setting, the reason this movie worked in 1932 was because it was set in France, Paris to be precise, a local that most people had never gone to, most would never get the chance to go there (I’m ignoring WWII here for simplicity), also contributing to it is the evil mad scientist, Bella Lugosi, unfortunately there isn’t an actor around these days that has such a spooky voice, an accent that conveys terror and his spooky looks.
Our best bet is to get an actor to play a mad scientist for laughs.

We need to name our hero, let’s call him Mike Fiinkly for no good reason.

Now that we’ve got that much figured out, we can get down to the main plot:

The place: Venus, several thousand years in the future, a human colony called Amazon 2.
To release the tension from living in a dome, amusements are key, a circus and other acts are always open, new acts arrive from other domes periodically, one day a doctor arrives with a new exhibit, an animal discovered in the Venusian jungle (it should look as hideous as possible) ,people flock to see it.
In the far side of the dome, women begin turning up dead, appearing to have undergone some kind of mutation.
Of course no one connects the new creature to the dead women, it would be impossible considering the security under which the creature is supposed to guarded.
Now enters our hero, Mike Fiinkly, with his bride, Helen on his arm, out for a night of relaxation, they watch the antics of the new creature.
Later that evening Helen vanshes, Mike fears the worst, but the police don’t, they assure him that nothing could have happened to her
Early the next morning, Mike is killing time reading, what else, Poe’s Murder in the Rue Morgue, he suddenly realized that the doctor could be a psychopath trying to recreate the story, after a tense few moments, he laughs and goes back to reading. That afternoon he’s doing his job and stumbles into enough facts for him to realize that the doctor is actually related to Poe!
With the aid of a group of vigilantes, Mike is able to find the doctor and confronts him. The doctor escapes into his laboratory, with Mike following hot on his heels, they pass by places straight out of Poe’s stories, including but not limited to The Pit and the Pendulum,
Suddenly the mad doctor vanishes! Mike looks around, but all he sees is a mirror with himself reflected in it, only it’s not him, it’s the creature, it’s a shape shifter!
What follows is an epic chase, Mike and the monster running through the lab and occasionally duking it out. Finally the monster turns to fight Mike, changing his form quickly, an epic battle ensues, it cuts to black before the conclusion.
Next we see Helen, tied to a table, awaiting her fate, then a bloodied Mike staggers in, frees her and tells her that the monster is dead, they step over the doctor’s body (he was killed by the monster shortly before Mike and the vigilantes arrived), they leave the building just as it goes up in flames. The screen cuts to a shot of Mike laying dead in the burning lab, then the movie is over, leaving viewers to wonder if it was Mike or the monster that survived.

There you have it, a classic movie ruined and a possibility for many sequels… Such is life on Venus.

I hope that you’ve enjoyed ruining a classic movie with me, I’m sure you’re dying to see what I’m working on for next week, but I don’t think the wait will kill you.
Thanks for reading and as always, feel free to comment.