Thursday night jokes

These jokes should have been for yesterday, but this week is going fast and I forgot.

 

———————-

 

How do you scare a ghost?

Tell it the choices in the election.

 
 

What do you get if you cross a politician with a vampire… oops, sorry those are the same thing.

 

What happened when the politician hired a spirit as its campaign manager?

The politician had a ghost of a chance at winning.

 

What did everyone ask after two witches ran against each other for office?

Which witch won?

 

Why did the monsters all refuse to celebrate Halloween this year?

They were too scared of the political campaigns.

 

————————————-
I hope you enjoyed these jokes. Thanks for reading!

Advertisements

Jokes for October 28th: Halloween edition 

It’s Wednesday night again, but it’s also almost Halloween! Tonight I have a bunch of monster jokes for you, featuring witches, vampires and more! Some are old favorites, but most of them are brand new! Plus two without monsters in them that I couldn’t resist. I hope you enjoy them!  
———————–

Ghosts

———————

A ghost went to a therapist to find out why he wasn’t scary. He preformed all of his tricks, rattling chains, howling, turning invisible and anything else he could think of.
When he had done everything twice, he turned to the therapist and ask if she was scared.
“I’m afraid not,” the therapist replied.

A spy arranged to meet another spy in the haunted graveyard at midnight. He waited until nearly dawn before leaving. When he reported to his superiors, he said “the spy didn’t show, something spooked him.”

Why did the ghost join the CIA?
Because he was a spook at heart.

When the ghost saw the werewolf fighting the vampire in the graveyard, he said it was a haunting site.

—————

Vampires 

————–

Why did the vampire’s construction company get a bad reputation?
They were fly by nights.

When the vampire closed his costume store for lunch, he put a sign in the door that read: Out for a bite. 

Why did the vampire get into the used book business?
He wanted to do something he could really sink his teeth into. 

Why did the vampire refuse to play poker?
He didn’t like the stakes.

Why do vampires never bet onhorse races?
They don’t like stakes.
————-

Non monsters 

————-

Why did the dairyman scare his cows?
Because he needed the milk curdled.

Why to dairymen like blood drenched mystery novels?
They like everything curdled.

———————-

More monstrous funnies

———————-

Do werewolves enjoy gardening?
No, gardening is a wolfs bane.

When a religious personage presided over an annual contest to see who could throw a gourd the furthest, the pumpkin was canonized.

Who do monsters turn to for directions?
Witches, they always know which way to go.

When the mad scientist invented a way to turn people transparent, he thought he would be famous, however it turned out he was a fraud, everyone saw right through him.

————————

That’s all the jokes for tonight, I hope you enjoyed them as much as I enjoyed coming up with them.

  Thanks for reading! A  

Spooky October thoughts

As Halloween is drawn jog near, I thought I’d share a few spooky thoughts with you instead of normal random thoughts and maybe a joke or two.

—————

 Halloween is a time for candy, taking advantage of this are candy companies who release ‘fun size’ candy bars.

 Once and for all, there is nothing fun about these tiny candy bars. These candy bars are nothing but a waste of time, you need at least two of them to enjoy ‘fun size’ candy bars.

—————-

 The origins of Halloween are not what we celebrate today, it now is nothing more than a day for candy to be given away.

—————

What do you call an army of ghosts?

A host of ghosts.

—————

 Vampires are popular mostly because of our odd fascination with blood. Our obsession with blood is second only to our fascination with violence in general.

—————

 It’s amazing to realize that there have been special Halloween  radio and tv shows for decades, it’s just as amazing that so many have survived the test of time. While I’m not sure, I expect to see the classic tv channels having a whole day or afternoon devoted to these special episodes.

—————

How did the vampire movie star become a star baseball player?

Because he was a big hit.

—————

 I hope you’ve enjoyed these thoughts, they might not have been too spooky, but I did my best.

Thanks for reading.

Jokes for October 21st

Tonight I have a few new jokes and a few jokes from last year. I always like to look back at my old jokes, sometimes I get ideas for new ones, other times I just get a laugh and decide to share them again.

 I have something new for you at the bottom of this post, take a look and let me know what you think.

 While these jokes might not make everyone laugh, I hope you’ll get a chuckle out of them at least, enjoy!

—————–

Oldies

—————-

A witch happened upon a vampire and a werewolf who were having a heated debate. When she asked what they were arguing about, the vampire and werewolf replied “Pumpkin guts!”

Once there was a young jack o lantern who was unable to compete at sports, after weeks of careful consideration his doctor reach a conclusion, he had no pumpkin guts.

The werewolf family always made sure to invite a witch along when they took a long trip, whenever they got lost they could just ask “Witch way?”

Did you hear that Dracula hired a werewolf to run a steamroller over his patch of turnips?
He had to, he couldn’t squeeze blood from a turnip himself.

Shortly before dawn one day, a vampire was hurriedly flying back to his coffin in bat form when he ran into a witch, literally. The witch lost her broom in the crash, the vampire was disorientated. The vampire, in desperation, grabbed the witch and asked “Witch, which way’s up?

—————

New jokes

————–

Why do vampires never bet on horse races?
They don’t like stakes.

Do werewolves enjoy gardening?
No, gardening is a wolfs bane.

When a religious personage presided over an annual contest to see who could throw a gourd the furthest, the pumpkin was canonized.

Who do monsters turn to for directions?
Witches, they always know which way to go.

——————————-

Halloween tounge twister!

——————————

The monster mobsters marched on Mars in March.

——————–

That’s it for tonight, I hope you enjoyed these jokes and my new tounge twister feature. Let me know what you think in the comments.

Thanks for reading.

Jokes for October 14th

I’m running a bit late tonight, so I only have a few jokes for you. I know, my jokes are frighteningly few tonight, but next week I’ll try to have more.
——————-

Why did the vampire’s construction company get a bad reputation?
They were fly by nights.

When the vampire closed his costume store for lunch, he put a sign in the door that read: Out for a bite. 

Why did the vampire get into the used book business?
He wanted to do something he could really sink his teeth into. 

Why did the vampire refuse to play poker?
He didn’t like the stakes.

Why did the dairyman scare his cows?
Because he needed the milk curdled.

Why to dairymen like blood drenched mystery novels?
They like everything curdled.

——————–

 I hope you enjoyed these jokes tonight.

Thanks for reading!

Halloween is nearly over

Halloween is nearly over, by the time you read this it might be over where you are.
There is little to fear from ghosts, goblins, vampires, witches, werewolves or zombies now… at least until next year.
Halloween is basically little more than a candy holiday. Kid love it because they get to dress up and go door to door receiving free candy. The rest of us enjoy the day after, when all the good special candy is marked down in the stores, like candy corn and mellow creme pumpkins.
Enjoy the candy, enjoy the cats crossing your paths, fear not the vampires and werewolves, the zombies will wait until next Halloween.

I hope everyone has had a safe and fun Halloween. I’ll leave you with a joke:

A guy answers his door, there’s a bunch of trick or treaters. As he hands out the candy, he asked “how’s tricks?”

Jokes for Wednesday, October 29th- Halloween time!

t’s Wednesday night again, not only that but Halloween is nearly upon us! With that in mind, I’ve come up with some the the strangest, most confusing and hopefully funny halloween themed jokes you’ll ever hear.

Pumpkin guts

Jack L. Antrn was a very respectable CEO of the Squash canner co until one morning while he was inspecting the plant he managed to stumble over a guardrail and land in the waste bin. He was unhurt, but he issued only one comment:”Pumpkin guts.”

How do you stop a charging werewolf?
Toss a bucket of pumpkin guts in its path.

A witch happened upon a vampire and a werewolf who were having a heated debate. When she asked what they were arguing about, the vampire and werewolf replied “Pumpkin guts!”

Once there was a young jack o lantern who was unable to compete at sports, after weeks of careful consideration his doctor reach a conclusion, he had no pumpkin guts.

Witches way

The werewolf family always made sure to invite a witch along when they took a long trip, whenever they got lost they could just ask “Witch way?”.

Shortly before dawn one day, a vampire was hurriedly flying back to his coffin in bat form when he ran into a witch, literally. The witch lost her broom in the crash, the vampire was disorientated. The vampire, in desperation, grabbed the witch and asked “Witch way up?”

Vampire humor

Did you hear that Dracula hired a werewolf to run a steamroller over his patch of turnips?
He had to, he couldn’t squeeze blood from a turnip himself.

Why did vampires enjoy the company of gangsters in the 1930s?
They loved a good blood bath.

What did the vampire hunter do when he had a run of good luck playing poker?
He raised the stake.

Why do vampires avoid butcher shops?
They don’t like the steaks.

Ghost hosts

When a family of ghosts moved into a new house they threw a party. It wasn’t much of a party, it lacked spirit.

A ghost wanted to change how people saw him, so he went to a party, but no matter how hard he tried, he just wasn’t the life of the party.

Bob the ghost had befriended a medium who was forced to quit doing seances do to lack a lack of people interested in contacting ghosts. In an attempt to cheer up the medium, Bob threw a party for her. Despite inviting other ghosts, witches, vampires and even a zombie, nothing could raise the medium’s spirits.

I hope you’ve enjoyed these jokes.
Please feel free to comment or share a halloween joke of your own.
Thanks for reading!

Jokes for October 22nd

Thanks for joining me again this fine Wednesday night, I hope you’re ready for a few halloween themed jokes tonight!

Whys

Why didn’t the necromancer jockey win more races?
Because he didn’t have a ghost of a chance.

Why are vampires lousy card sharks?
They have trouble with the stakes.

Why do vampires never eat at barbecue resturants?
The chefs always have steaks.

Who

Who eats turkey on Halloween?
Gobble-ins

Jokes

A young Van Helsing dreamed of being a world famous poker player. However every time he tried to play, he found the chairs too high for him, he couldn’t quite reach the stakes.

Remember these?

Why is a vegetarian used car salesman like a vampire?
They both hate stakes.

Why did the vampire run a bank?
It ran in the blood.

Dr van Helsing was addressing a group of sport fans, he gave them this sage piece of advice: “It’s best to watch baseball games during the day, that way you know that any bats you see flying aren’t vampires.”

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed these jokes.

Jokes for October 15th

I hope everyone is having a monstrously good week. Tonight I’ve got jokes that will make you laugh, some might make you groan (okay most of them will) and even one or two that I’d like to say will scare you, but I won’t say that.
Here we go, halloween themed jokes to get you ready.

Whats

What happened when the black cat walked passed a mirror?
It crossed it’s own path.

What did the lycanthrope say on a cloudy night?
Were’s the moon?

Joke

A lycanthrope, a wizard and a vampire walk into a bar for a parting drink after a wild adventure.
They begin talking about the future.
“I’m going to build myself a tower,” the wizard exclaimed.
“I’m going back to Translyvania,” The Vampire decided after a few beers.
“Me?” the lycanthrope asked after the wizard inquired as to where he was going, “You wonder were I see myself in the future? I’m going to become a stockbroker, I here there’s plenty of wolves on Wall Street.”

Vampires

Why do baseball players like vampires?
They know every bat has a use.

Why do sport teams always make sure they have at least one vampire on their team
To suck the life out of the other team.

Why do Vampires make the best assasians?
They are always out for blood.

That’s it for tonight, I hope you enjoyed these jokes!