How to ruin any food: Strawberry shortcake

Tonight we’re going to ruin strawberry shortcake, that delicious dessert consisting of a slice of cake covered in strawberries with a dollop of whipping cream on top. When we get done tonight, no one will be able to look at strawberry shortcake the same way again.

Are you ready?

Before we begin, once more I feel compelled to offer these words:

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

History:

The history of strawberry shortcake is an old one, dating back to somewhere around 1850, however it was quite different from what we enjoy today.

For one thing, the shortcake itself was more like a biscuit than the cake we enjoy today.

Also instead of whipped cream the surviving recipes call for an icing instead.

As for strawberries, they have been around for thousands of years, even if today’s strawberries are larger than those enjoyed in ancient Rome.

A more thorough history can be found here: http://www.kitchenproject.com/history/Strawberries/StrawberryShortcake/

 

What it is:

Strawberry shortcake is a dessert made up of strawberries sliced and sugared on top of a piece of shortcake with whipped cream on top.

 

How to make it:

The simplest way to make strawberry shortcake is to slice strawberries and sugar them, lightly or heavily depending on how sweet the strawberries are and your taste.

The cake should be something like a sponge type cake, cut into squares or circles, whichever you prefer.

Cover the cake with a generous amount of strawberries and top with a dollop or three of whipped cream.

 

How to ruin it:

Ruining strawberry shortcake can be done many different ways. From the cake to the whipped cream and even the strawberries!

Cake:

Ruining the cake can be quite simple, or very complicated. I suggest simply adding garlic powder or curry powder to your sponge cake. If you want to go to more work, I suggest adding a few drops of green and/or blue food coloring to the batter to make it look as if it has molded.

If you want something very quick and simple, just use an English muffin instead.

For more additions to a sponge cake, take a look at my Ruining Jelly roll post from a few months ago: http://wp.me/p3pFIg-oA

Strawberries:

Strawberries are not very easy to ruin, however there are a few things that you can do.

Instead of coating your strawberries in sugar, try rolling them in garlic or onion powder.

You can also use salt instead of sugar for a nasty surprise.

Use any of the tomato varieties that have strawberry in their name.

As they will be under whipped cream, substitute habeneros.

Try rolling marshmallows in ketchup and see what happens.

If your really want to ruin it, use sesame chicken coated in a thick sweet and sour sauce.

Whipped cream:

Whipped cream is easy to ruin, in fact it should have a post to itself, and doubtlessly it will get one soon, until then:

 

Use any of the following instead of whipping cream:

• Sour cream:
• mayonnaise
• Lard
• Meringue

If you really want to use whipping cream, add any of the following to it as you whip it:

• Bacon drippings
• Root beer, it’ll add a certain color to your whipped cream.
• Liquid dish soap, just a touch for a clean taste (I don’t recommend trying this one).
• Garlic powder
• Onion powder

I think that covers the basics of ruining strawberry shortcake. Can you think of anything I missed? Let me know if the comments!

I hope you enjoyed ruining strawberry shortcake tonight.

Do you have a favorite way to ruin strawberry shortcake? Tell me in the comments!

Thanks for reading, I hope you’ll join me again next week when we ruin another food!